this was originally wirtten for lexxxy - then I re-read and realized she is talking aobut her feelings before she was out of the fog - early in recovery - so I decided to re-title this for other FWW's

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I hear what you are saying in your post about H neglecting you for years and you being the good wife, and then you having an A, and all of a sudden he is the good guy and you are the bad guy - I KNOW what that feels like.

But in continuing to self analyze myself I realized alot of the neglect my H put on me was in fact my fault.

What you say? MY FAULT? How can neglect be my fault?

let me explain. I raised my kids, gave my H complete freedom, met all the needs I though he wanted met - btought him home cards, made supper, took care of finanaces, the list goes on and on. But I didn't realize some of those things weren't the things he ACTUALLY wanted. During recovery H admitted to me, because of our problems in bed (we didn't communicate and sex became full of excuses, etc) and didn't give him the admiration he wanted, he realized in recovery that in the past pre-A, he was doing one of those you did this to me so why should I do that for you. and so when I had simple requests, he abandoned me. Not the thing to do, but I also made NO effort to find out what he really wanted. i am sure had I done that, things could have been different.

Now I didn't sit quiet. i did approach H and several occasions to tell him how I was feeling...but I approached it with - you make me feel, I feel, you did this...and so IMMEDIATELY his defense wall would come up, and I would get shot down with - you are PMS'ing, you are crazy, you need help, or he would ignore me. I would feel more rejected, more neglected and more resentful. Was this his fault? Not really. Had I done the right thing and read books on how to communicate with someone like this, I could have voiced my concern in a manner that didn't put his defensive walls up. Once those walls go up - a conversation is pointless.

Also - I didn't talk direct about the problem - i never let him know how SERIOUSLY neglected I was feeling...had I said - we need MC, or I am going to leave or made him know how SERIOUS my feelings were - things may have been different.

Instead - I fueled justifications and resentment, and met someone who made me feel the center of the universe and blamed my H for my neglect, and blamed him for where I was.

My H has faults. And alot of his faults did contribute to where the Marriage was when I had my A...but as much as I believed I was this great wife, and he neglected me, turns out I wasn't so great. I was great at doing everything for him, great at raising the kids, great at all this - but I sucked at communication, sucked at figuring out what he REALLY wanted, sucked at conveying my feelings in a manner that would get through to him and not make him get defensive. So my affair could have been prevented if I (ME NOT H) had looked into OTHER tools to improve my marriage, rather then looking to someone to make me feel better.

Hindsight is 20/20. Have you looked at yourself and your communication as reasons for allowing yourself to be neglected. You can only be neglected if you allowed it to happen, as there are many ways to change that within your marriage...and having an affair isn't one of them.

Now my H hasn't made a whole lot of changes - he is still pretty much the same man...but I don't feel neglected or hurt - why? becuase I CHANGED! I learned new ways to talk to him, and work with him and I know what he wants now - so I meet the needs I didn't realize he had, I approach him in new ways so his defensive wall doesn't go up and things get solved, accomplished - and this isn't because HE changed, it's because I changed.

Have you thought about ways you can change? I havent read any of your posts - I am just basing this off the posts in HR's thread.

bump

Dorry!!

That was fabulous!!