MY wife and I have been married for 7 years, together for 10. We have a wonderful 3 year old son together. About 3 weeks ago I found out that my wife had an EA wth a coworker, and on one occasion they shared a kiss. Of course I demanded that they stop the relationship immedaitely (allegedly just friends other than the kiss). My wife and the OM (probably out of extreme fear) have agreed to do that, and she has made a commitment to work on our marriage. My problem is that whenever we seem to making some real progress, i.e laughing and talking together, having fun, etc. I always get to thinking about OM, and it drives me absolutely nuts. I bring him up, we end up talking it to death, I am miserable, she is miserable, and it sems like we take two steps back. I have frequent angry outbursts about the situation which I know are counter productive but I can't seem to get it out of my head. Can someone please give me some advice to help with this problem I am having? Has anyone else gone through this? It hurts me very deeply that she still thinks of this man. She admitted that she thought about him while we were making love last night and that just devstates me. How can I get over this, and how can I help HER get over it too?

3 weeks ... you are expecting too much to "get over it" after only 3 weeks.

Is OM married?

If he is .... his W needs to know exactly what you know.

Does your W see OM daily at work?

OM is not married. My wife is 31, he is 24 and lives at hime with mom and dad. I actually have spoken with him about the situation, allegedly a one sided infatuation on the part of my wife, he claims he does not want to break up our marriage and feels terrible. He says he has no interest in my wife beyond friendship. He has avoided all contact and ceased communicating with my wife, but they sit across the hall from each other daily. She claims her feelings are fading for him more every day which gives me hope, but then she thinks of him while we are together intimately which rips my heart out. I don't know if I will ever get over this completely, but I would like to be able to enjoy an evening with my wife without making us both miserable. I am afraid I am sabotaging my efforts by doing this. I am having real dificulty coping. Sometimes I want to beat OM, sometimes I want to just die... I am on a terrible rollercoaster.

Hey don't feel alone. I found out about 3 weeks ago that my fiancee had sex with my sister about two months ago. I have done exactly what you have done. We could be having a great weekend or day, but I can't get the thought of them together out of my head and I ask a question or make a comment. I know it isn't helping, but sometimes I just feel the need to know.
I go from wanting to beat the SH*^ out of them both, to wishing I could die, to wanting to work it out with my fiancee. blah blah blah.
PLEASE don't feel like you are alone in this.

hrt1, thanks so much for sharing,in a strange way it helps to know i am not the only one. your situation sounds just terrbile. i hope we can both ind a way to get beyond the hurt and betrayal. sometimes i feel like i am nuts with the way i am acting. afterall, it was just a kiss, but it might has well been a full blown sexual affair in my own bed to me. my wife thinks i am overreacting, although she would never tell me that, i can tell that is how she feels.

Hey, your feelings are legit. Any kind of physical contact that has a sexual intent, is cheating.
If she still thinks of him in any other way other than a co worker, there is more to it than just a kiss.
I'm not trying to bring you down, I promise. I'm just saying that what you are feeling is real and shouldn't be taken lightly.

afterall, it was just a kiss, but it might has well been a full blown sexual affair in my own bed to me.

It was a full-blown betrayal !

my wife thinks i am overreacting, although she would never tell me that, i can tell that is how she feels.
WHOA !

You cannot "tell" what your wife thinks until she tells you.

Do NOT guess ....

This needs to be discussed fully until YOU are satisfied that you have all your concerns addressed.... Is your W willing to open up and tell you everything?

That is part of the problem, we have discussed it to death. she calims she has been completely honest and open with me about EVERYTHING that has happened. I guess I have a problem trusting her because she has lied to me about it before. for instance she told me that she would have no more contact, then I found out that she called him on one of her business trips and the talked for 40 minutes. The first thing I did was confront her, the second thing I did was confront him and he has since ceased even eye contact with her. But I keep asking the same darn questions over and over, and I just have a feeling that more went on than what is being told to me. My wif erepeatedly assures me that is not the case. My constant bringing it up is making us both miserable.

Hi, F73.

Your wife needs to quit her job immediately.


All the best,
Gimble

Has your wife asked:

"What do you need me to do that will help you heal ?"

should I demand this of her? The financial ramifications for our family would be disatrous, as we are equal earners in our home and unfortunately we need every bit of our incomes to keep the bills paid. But if it meant saving my marriage I would be willing to face that.

Hi, F73.

Yes, I believe that you should demand it of her. Those are consequences of her actions.

She chose to betray. Now she needs to clean it up. I would consider that her waiting to quit while she finds another job unacceptable as well.

All the best,
Gimble

Frustrated,

""I have frequent angry outbursts about the situation which I know are counter productive but I can't seem to get it out of my head.""

These are LOVE BUSTERS that are draining her love bank..which is maybe why she feels the need to tell you;

""She admitted that she thought about him while we were making love last night and that just devstates me.""

This seems "EXTREME HURTFUL HONESTY" that, IMHO, does not need to be related to you. Why would she need to tell you this. Or...

Did you ask her "Were you thinking of OM while we made love" or "Are you thinking of OM right now?" Its like telling someone don't think of a yellow elephant. First thing that happens is a yellow elephant pops into your mind.

""I always get to thinking about OM, and it drives me absolutely nuts.""

Dude, you are OBSESSING about it way too much. Sounds like the 24 yr old OM is pissing his pants and wants nothing more to do with it, and your W is committing to the M.

When you think about the OM, DON'T BRING IT UP. Keep your mouth shut on the OM. Sounds like you have talked it to death. The obsessing will fade. The OM will still be there, but the strong emotions will cease.

k

I should have been clear. She did not offer up the "i thought about him while we were making love". Like a idiot I asked her, and when she didn't answer I kept pressuring her to tell me and she did. She said that she thought of me the majority of the time OM popped into her head a couple of times, and the rest she just thought of the physical pleasure.

I thin kyou are right, I AM obsessing... But how do I stop? It just hurts so damn bad. My first impulse is to hurt OM like he has hurt me, but to be honest, the kid has done everything I have asked.

"" I AM obsessing... But how do I stop?""

Some ways are;

Put a rubber band on your wrist and everytime you start thinking about OM snap it.

When you start obsessing think of a stop sign and tell yourself STOP IT!!

Tell yourself you will only think about OM between 9:00 am and 9:30 am each day. When you start obsessing tell yourself wait until 9:00 to think about that.

Also as time goes by the obsessing does diminish. But I think bringing it up time and again keeps it fresher in your mind.

And if I may say so, some of us here are dealing with total sexual infidelity that lasted 2 years or more, or is still continuing!! What you are experiencing hurts just as bad, and I know that saying to you "it could be much worse" does not help your sitch. But thank God you discovered this in time and put the kybosh on it.

You must let YOURSELF heal from this. You are picking and scraping at the scab that is forming over your sucking chest wound (where she ripped your heart out). Let the wound heal.

I think I reveled in my misery for a while, obsessing, crying in the shower, making the movies of their sexual activities appear in my head and then dwelling on them...so I could feel as miserable as I wanted to, as I thought I should be.

But my therapist and FWW told me how NEGATIVE this was to the rebuilding and recovery. And they were right.

k

FRUSTRATED,

What are you afraid of? Sit down and figure out what you are really afraid of. Is it finding out she slept with him? Is it finding out she has thoughts of him? Is it that you might lose her?

Sit down and really really think about this. Once you do, you will begin to see there are some answers, but you will have to let them come to you. You see if your W wants the marriage to continue and loves you, the thoughts of OM will diminish and go away. If she does not, her behavior will tell you.

But, one thing you need to understand is that YOU cannot fix this. You can only fix yourself. You can only help your W heal. And you cannot control her, her thoughts, or her intentions. Once you accept these things I suspect your Obsessing will drop. You are only 3 weeks into this. You won't get over this for a year or so. You will start feeling better at about 3-6 MONTHS.

So sit back, fasten that belt because you are going on a really rollercoaster ride and there is little you can do except learn, have patience, and give this time.

Stop asking your W questions right now. You are going to find that if she maintains no contact her answers will start to change in a bit. It is not your job to punish her. It is your job to love her, or at best leave her alone.

So think about all of this, read the articles here, select some books on relationships and read them. You are about to go on a steep learning curve but your marriage and for sure you will be the better for it.

God Bless,

JL

3 weeks....I was a fu**ing wreck. I look back at that time 8 months ago and can admit now that I was probally insain. Now I only think about my FWW A about 85% of my waking time...j/k. I really only think about it when I am alone and have nothing to do, but I do get triggers now and again.

All I have to say that as long as your S does everything she can do to fix what she did and is 100% honest then you can get through this.

Good luck....