We have been married for almost nine years and have known each other for sixteen years. I knew that my husband was using drugs when we were courting, yet I still chose to marry him. I have always felt a deep responsibility for him. Anyway now we have three kids, the last one being only 2 months old. About 5 years ago he decided that he could not continue using/abusing drugs anymore, our marriage was a wreck. He decided to enter a religious rehab center, since that time there has been a significant difference, he no longer uses drugs on a daily basis; he tries to be a better person. Yet about once a year, every year since the rehab he has a 1 week lapse and consumes drugs. Not only that but he also has mayor trouble with adultery through the internet. He does not have a fulltime job either. All the weight of the bills fall on me. He says that he cannot handle stress so he rather not even think about the bills. To top it all off he also has mayor trouble with my weight. He says that if I was to loose weight he would have less trouble in desiring a skinny woman. Loosing weight is an issue for me, I have been struggling with my weight for many years. I find it extremely difficult to achieve, I hate exercise. I feel that I have come to the end of my rope. I am continuously giving and not receiving anything in return. As he goes through his fits of depression he takes me with him. His moods affect me in a negative manner. I live with the fear that he will fall back in drugs so I keep my temper in check. I am afraid one of these days I am going to blow up, turn my back on him and never come back again, of course I take the kids with me, because he could not possibly be able to take care of them alone. He is very opinionated and wants everything his way. I cannot change him, only myself. Divorce is not an option, but I am really tired and do not know what to do anymore. I need sound advice, anyone have any….

((Vita))

Have you found an Alanon group and attended meetings? They will be way more qualified to answer your questions and help you ensure that you are not enabling his poor behavior and choices.

I will tell you one thing, relapse is not a part of recovery, it's a part of the disease. If this is a continual pattern, I'd seriously question whether your hubby is in true recovery. There may or may not be things that you can do that will have enough influence to give him that final push into recovery.

How extensively have you read Dr. Harley's material?

c

You've known each other for a long long time. Both of you have issues. A part of me believes that we find and marry people, in order to resolve the issues that come up during the relationship.

His use of drugs is unacceptable, as is his "avoidance" of stress. All of us need to learn how to face ourselves, face stress, and learn how to forgive others and ourselves.

Can you forgive him? Can you forgive yourself for getting into your current situation. I know how helpless one can feel with an uncooperative partner, someone who won't work on him/herself.

Why does he use drugs? That might be an incredibly difficult issue for him to face. Is he manipulating his environment due to lack of love in his past? Is he filling a hole?

Interestingly, I wonder what heavy metal detoxification or parasite cleanses or ozone therapy or fasting might do in your situation. Unfortunately, to go in the direction of true health, we need to find doctors who are "few and far between," or, we need to forge our own path.

I see the drug issue as a symptom of a larger health issue, which is the result of spiritual, emotional, and mental trauma, patterns, problems, decisions, and many things that aren't your fault at all...but they've become your responsibility.

I sense that you are a very strong and capable person. That people rely on you, because you are reliable.

I believe that if you breathe and breathe deeply, and if you take just a few moments a day to really breathe and pray, that you will know what you need to do.

Peace,
D--

I agree with going to the Alanon support groups. You may even consider the Sex Addictions Anonymous support groups. You deserve to be surrounded by people that can help you understand your own behavior and give you ways to cope with him and what is going on in your life so you can make the best choices for you and those that depend on you. Walking on Egg Shells is a great book as well.