She moved out 26 days ago.
I have never felt pain like this in my life.
I can’t live with this pain.
I can’t see past it or around it.
We pushed each other apart and now she’s happy. She sees a new life with new people.
I see nothing.
Her Dad furnished her new apartment and she’s been running around getting things to decorate it with while I come over to spray for roaches and put her new bed together.
I spent the money I scratched together to fix the air conditioner in our house taking her and the rest of the kids to see her oldest son’s band play and feed them all dinner.
I went out and found the things she still needed after her Dad’s money ran out to make sure she had everything she wanted.
I’ve been sitting here tonight balling my eyes out because she promised she would call me when she got home from work and she didn’t. She’s out having fun and I’m dying.

I fell in Love with her the first time I saw her. She fell in Love with what I offered – a way out of a horrible life.
She never tried to miss-lead me in the beginning. The lies and deceit didn’t start until she started to realize that I expected her to find all she needed in me.
She told me that what ever happened between us she would have no regrets. I said the same thing to her because I thought there could be no regrets in the perfect life we would have together.
She told me about the other affairs she had on her first husband – who she was still married to, and laughed about the things she did. I was blind.
She asked me once “Do you know the difference between a slut and a hoar?” I told her I really didn’t, and she said “A hoar does it for money, and a slut does it for fun. You can call me a slut but never call me a hoar.” I was blind.
She told me about all of her sexual experiences as a teenager, and I made up some so I wouldn’t feel so inexperienced.
She told me about how she and her husband would fight and still have sex even if they were mad at each other because – hey – it’s still sex.
She told me that if we divorced our spouses and got married, she couldn’t promise me that she wouldn’t loose interest in four or five years and be ready to move on to someone else. God help me I was still blind.

I told myself this was a wonderful woman who had a horrible life, and all she needed was someone like me to give her life a story book “happily ever after” ending.

All she ever needed was the freedom to be a slut to her hearts content.

I’m still madly in love with her. Despite the fact that I’m no longer even a shadow of the man I used to be… despite the fact that she took my heart and soul and crushed them like they were insects on the floor of her life. I still love her despite the cheating and the lies and the cold indifference to what she has made me.

I was a good man. I had a good family. I had a wonderful life. I destroyed all of that for this. I am the opposite of all I was ten years ago. I was confident. I was loyal. I was honest (the only virtue to which I can still lay claim). I had never looked at another woman in the 20 years my first wife and I were together.

I always wanted to be George Bailey. You know – the character Jimmy Stewart played in “It’s A Wonderful Life”. Jimmy Stewart was my hero, and George Bailey was all I ever wanted to be… some one who helped those around him and made life better. To be some one that everyone in the community would respect and look up to because I was a good man who always tried to do the right thing. That was my dream, and I had that dream until ten years ago. I was that man. I was PROUD of being a good man.

I feel on February 26th 1996.
After two years of fighting my fantasies I sent her an e-mail. I told her I thought the outfit she wore that day was very pretty and asked her what she was doing for lunch the next day. She replied that she had no plans until my e-mail.

From then until August 16th 1996 – despite her best efforts, I was unable to consummate our affair because of the guilt I felt for seeing her. That was the day my first wife kicked me out of the house. I never lied to her. I “hid” what was happening from her, but when she asked me I told her the truth. It was over. There was no hope because we had shared a trust that few have ever experienced, and I broke that trust.

I destroyed everything.

I’m not going to talk about my kids in this because I just can’t.

God I hate myself.

I’m the poster child for why you shouldn’t have an affair.

I deserve to be where I am.

I just hope that my story helps some one… stops some one from doing this most terrible thing that one person can do to the ones he or she loves.


Cruz

Then it's time to look in another direction.

Are you on A/D's Cruz?

You can spend this time beating yourself up, you can spend this time full of pity for yourself and the choices you made...

Or you can make something out of the man you once envisioned yourself to be. You can still have a Jimmy Stewart life, but self-pity won't get you there.

Lots of us on here love someone who is either leaving, gone or should be gone.

We get up, forgive ourselves, make amends where we can and fulfill our duty to our children, family and friends by being strong and making the most out of what is left of our hearts.

I was party to an affair too Cruz but I paid for it, and now I have one goal in life and that is to be the best person I can be, for myself, for my DD and for the people who love me and have stood by me through all my poor choices and pain.

Seek forgiveness and joy Cruz. Love will find it's way to you again.

(((((Cruz)))))

Cruz,

Your story helps me understand my WH, and makes me pray that he sees the light before it is too late. Our situation is exactly like yours was, my husband had always been honest, and I'm sure it took him a long time to begin the PA because of his guilty feelings, but I can't be sure because he hasn't told me. the OW is a typical predator OW, with him for his money. Thank you for sharing it, even though I know it must be excruciatingly painful for you. It has at least helped me.

I will also pray that you can find forgiveness for yourself. And that you find a new life where you can find respect for yourself again. You are worth it. You were a wonderful man and you can be so again. You have a clear understanding of affair dynamics, so you must now realize that what is happening now was bound to happen. You can understand why.

You also know that you can recover yourself, the self you admired and wanted to be. You just have to decide to do it. Again, you are worth it.

hugs to you cruz, and please keep posting. Your insight is soooo important to us BS. I have recommended your previous threads to several BS whose WH have apparently abandoned them. Concentrate on the good that you can do with this experience and prove that you can recover.

I will pray for you.

cc

It is not the end, only a NEW BEGINNING.... it can be done.

Have you sought out forgiveness from your ex? I did and she had already forgiven me...now the hard part is forgiving YOURSELF!!

My IC told me that perhaps I was SO hard on myself because I was SO mad at myself for being so stupid by getting sucked in to the whole sordid affair...and she was right.

We are all human...some people confine their mistakes to minor things...others of us make them on a grander scale of poor decision-making.

We CANNOT change ONE THING we have done!!!! At some point, if you want to be a GOOD father to your kids...put down your burden...put it down.

Self-flaggelation is pointless...I know...I did a LOT of it. One day I realized that I have to make the BEST of the cards that Life has dealt me.

With time, your emotional attachment to WW will fade...it really will. That first month was a nightmare, but now I am beginning to enjoy it.

Just make through one day at a time and in a month or so things will seem much better

I was in your shoes back in April/May and I wish I could carry your burden for you, but you have carry to it...for your kids.

It will get better...I promise...

Scott

Cruz,
how are you doing?
Please give us an update.

I hope I am wrong but you sound suicidal to me. If this is the case, please seek help immediately. Here are the numbers for the suicide hotline in case you need them 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-8255. Please let us know how you are doing. You sound helpless and hopeless, but there is help and hope you just can't see it right now. Please give yourself time to sort your emotions, to start thinking clearly again. It will take time, but things will get better if you want them to be. Please, don't give up.

Starting to worry.

Cruz,

Thank you! Your post gave me a missing piece of my own puzzle with Phil and it's making an important difference for me. You answered some questions I've never even asked myself, let alone Phil.

Phil choosing the OW unfolded much the way your A did. She also wants him for the life she thought he and I had together - affluent, beautiful homes, world travel, fancy jewels, fashionable clothes, fashionable friends. She wants all the meaningless (nice, yes, but still meaningless) stuff money buys.

When Phil left me, his EA with OW went to PA inside of one week. OW pursued him and he was enamored. OW is divorcing her husband and is planning on marrying Phil now. Phil kept seeing me and he kept telling me only some of the truth and hiding the rest. He didn't want me back but he didn't want to lose me either. Finally I decided - enough.

One very sad part for me was I'd lost all hope that there would be any self-realization for Phil. I didn't think he would ever think what he did to us (and to the OW's family) was wrong. Now I have a little hope again for some far off day.

Thank you so much for sharing yourself. I'm crying. Sorry for the tears but thank you.

Sally

Cruz, it would nbe nice to hear you are OK. We care for you.

cc

Cruz please respond!

Bump again...where are you?

I know you take time out from MB during these tough times, but you did "read" borderline suicidal in this post.

Please let us know you're OK.

Scott

Cruz,

I am new and don't know you, or anything about you, but I have been worrying about you. If you are reading this, please let us know you are ok.

Cruz

You are the stable one in your children's lives right now. Beat yourself up all you want but not to the extent that you can't protect and care for your kids.

Post here to let off pain and steam.

Let us know how things are.

Cruz come on dude post up man, I was there myself , it will get better. Thank god I have my DD and all our dogs, which I know WW is missing.
Vent here...

Thanks to all of you for your concern.
I do tend to stay away when things get really bad - which they still are, but I am still breathing. I've been battered from every direction over the last month. Today is my one month anniversary – she left August 1st.

It’s really ironic. I have two daughters from my first marriage – 16 and 12, and they are very hurt and angry that my ww left. They Love her too. They’ve known her since they were 6 and 2, and she is incredible with kids.

There is so much hurt everywhere.

I have my bad days, and I have my crazy days. August 5th – the Friday after she left was the worst so far. That’s the day I told my girls. I picked them up from school and told them on the way home. I wasn’t planning on telling them until we got there, but the first thing my 16 year old asked was what are we doing this weekend. One thing led to another and I told them S wouldn’t be there because she had moved out Monday. Neither of them would speak to me the rest of the way home. My 12 year old laid in the back seat and balled, and my 16 year old just stared out the passenger window and wouldn’t respond to me. We got home and my 16 year old took off in the woods behind the house and my 12 year old ran to the living room and balled up on the couch wailing.
I’m running to the living room trying to comfort her then running outside calling my other daughters name. This went on for about half an hour when out of desperation I tried to call my ww to ask for her help. When I got her voice mail I almost joined my 12 year old wailing in the living room. I felt on the verge of completely losing it. I knew my x was at a business function that night so I couldn’t take them back to her house until the following morning.
It was at that point that a thought just popped into my mind – I thought “ I have to live until tomorrow morning so I can take my girls home to their Mom, then I can put an end to all this.” This calmed me down considerably and I started thinking about a survival strategy to get me through the night.
I still had the cell phone in my hand, and it rang. It was S. I told her what was going on and she said she was on her way. I went in the house and told my 12 year old that S was on her way, and my daughter just asked “when will she be here?” I told her very soon, and I went outside and started calling my 16 year old again. When I yelled that S was on her way she emerged from the woods after about 5 minutes and came in the house.

When my ww arrived she held my girls and talked to them and told them she loved them. They asked where the boys were – she has three boys from her first marriage, and she told my girls they were staying with their Dad until she found a place. Her boys are 18, 16 and 13. These kids have been together for almost 10 years and they are brothers and sisters just as sure as any blood brothers and sisters you will ever find. They wanted to see their brothers, so S drove 45 minutes to their father’s house and brought the two younger ones over. The oldest was at work. We ended up going to a midnight showing of “Sky High”, and the theater was completely empty except for us. The kids had a wonderful time together, and S and I had a wonderful time seeing them together.

I wasn’t planning on writing anything today, and I’m out of time for now, but my ww very literally saved my life that night, and left me with some hope – not a lot, but some. It’s been a ****** of a ride since.

Cruz

Cruz,

I am very glad to hear you are alive. You are clearly not doing well at all. Are you in counseling? If you are not, you should. The pain you are feeling will go away, just give it time. Do not put your children through further pain by selfishly "ending" your own. You made poor decisions and this pain is the price you have to pay. What will you be teaching your children if you take the coward's way out? You owe them more than that. If its true that you always wanted to be the good guy, do the right thing now. Survive the pain, seek help, and move on. I guarantee you, you will see things very differently a year from now, and you will be very glad you are there to see your kids graduations, weddings, your grandchildren,...

I know you are hurting, but be strong. You can do it. Keep talking to us. You are not alone, we will help you.

Cruz,

the main thing is to keep talking to SOMEONE... There are many of us willing to listen and help when we can.

Your children need you...
cc

Cruz,

You are obviously having SI (suicide ideation), but I forgot to ask you, do you have a history of suicide attempts? Do you have a plan and a weapon?

If you are not taking antidepressants, I would strongly advise you to consider taking them. Mild antidepressants take between a month and a month and a half to start working, so you probably need something a little stronger until you are more stable. Tell your doctor about the SI and discuss with him/her the different medications available. The medications do work and they can help you get out of the darkness. Please get help.

Cruz

No time for selfishness mate. Your kids need you straight, not bent out of shape. Not pathetic.

No time for gestures, but for action. The right action.

If I'd hit that tree a little staighter I would have missed out on my life NOW, where my baby loves me, my kids love me and we have as hopeful a future as anyone I know.

Do not consider turning your pain into a hereditary disease.

Stand up for your kids and yourself.