Redemption.
What does that really mean graycloud?
How can I redeem myself after what I have done?
My ww claims to be a Christian. I claim not to be, but I believe in Christian values. What does that make me?
You don't claim a faith, you don't practice a religion, but still, you have a sense of what's good and right and what is filthy and damaging. What do you call that? You believe it, but you don't know where it comes from. So.
I think religious practice is in some ways not entirely a matter of belief. It's a practice. A set of behaviors you engage in to keep your mind focused on things that are important for giving your life meaning.
There are religious people that believe with every fiber, with every breath, in all the supernatural aspects of their faith. They're very lucky.
There are also religious people who do not place this requirement on themselves, who don't make it a necessity for themselves to exist in a permanent state of perfect belief. But they practice their faith anyway, and hope for belief.
Sometimes we call it a "crisis of faith" when we don't believe, but I don't think struggling with belief is a crisis.
I'm digressing.
Of course you can redeem yourself! You can't change the past, but you can change the future in a way that gives your past some meaning. You can take lessons from the disasters in which you've participated, and turn them into motivation to find a path for your life that will help you try to ease the suffering of others, and miraculously will also work to end your own suffering. You already do this for your children.
This dismissive, morbid feeling that you cannot ever be a decent person again is just a lame excuse for not making the effort.
Maybe you could start by taking some time to think about how you might make amends for the pain you've caused in the past.
Think about courage, humility, and compassion.
Don't place a requirement on yourself to believe in a higher power before you ask that higher power for help. Just ask. Maybe you feel foolish, or like you're wasting your time, because probably nobody's listening, but who cares? How can it be a waste of time for you to bow your head and humbly ask for help?
Maybe there is no supernatural force smiling and nodding and shooting little magic laser beams down from the sky as you do this. So what? Doesn't that seem a little trivial and childish anyway? At a minimum, you're privately admitting to yourself that you have failed. You are, as they say, taking ownership of these failures.
How can something bad come of this?
I know there have been times I've needed god, and I'm not a believer either. I've sat on the rocks behind the building where I work, held my face in my hands, and said
please help me god. I did not believe anybody was listening. I felt no less alone after saying it. But I did it anyway, and I'll probably do it again.
No magic wand in the sky has to wave and produce miracles in order for that to make a difference. The effort of doing it works in your own heart, and maybe that's where the real power of it all lies. And maybe that's what god is. Maybe that's the way that god works.
Or maybe there isn't a higher power.
But still you have this sense, this feeling that there are things we can do that are good, and things we can do that are evil, and that it matters somehow.
Why do you suppose that is?
I'm not trying to make you believe in god. I can't even make myself believe in god.
But to me, the thing that makes god's existence most believable is the fact that god's existence is
unknowable. And I think that if there is a god, his unknowability on the most basic human terms is where all his power lies.
Cruz, you're standing at the threshold of your future. Maybe you can get your cruel and, if you don't mind me saying,
terrifying spouse back. Maybe you can have awesome sex with her again, and marvel at her brilliance, and stand in awe of how fine she is.
But so far, how's that workin' for ya?
GC