You don't claim a faith, you don't practice a religion, but still, you have a sense of what's good and right and what is filthy and damaging. What do you call that? You believe it, but you don't know where it comes from. So.

I think religious practice is in some ways not entirely a matter of belief. It's a practice. A set of behaviors you engage in to keep your mind focused on things that are important for giving your life meaning.

There are religious people that believe with every fiber, with every breath, in all the supernatural aspects of their faith. They're very lucky.

There are also religious people who do not place this requirement on themselves, who don't make it a necessity for themselves to exist in a permanent state of perfect belief. But they practice their faith anyway, and hope for belief.

Sometimes we call it a "crisis of faith" when we don't believe, but I don't think struggling with belief is a crisis.

I'm digressing.

Of course you can redeem yourself! You can't change the past, but you can change the future in a way that gives your past some meaning. You can take lessons from the disasters in which you've participated, and turn them into motivation to find a path for your life that will help you try to ease the suffering of others, and miraculously will also work to end your own suffering. You already do this for your children.

This dismissive, morbid feeling that you cannot ever be a decent person again is just a lame excuse for not making the effort.

Maybe you could start by taking some time to think about how you might make amends for the pain you've caused in the past.

Think about courage, humility, and compassion.

Don't place a requirement on yourself to believe in a higher power before you ask that higher power for help. Just ask. Maybe you feel foolish, or like you're wasting your time, because probably nobody's listening, but who cares? How can it be a waste of time for you to bow your head and humbly ask for help?

Maybe there is no supernatural force smiling and nodding and shooting little magic laser beams down from the sky as you do this. So what? Doesn't that seem a little trivial and childish anyway? At a minimum, you're privately admitting to yourself that you have failed. You are, as they say, taking ownership of these failures.

How can something bad come of this?

I know there have been times I've needed god, and I'm not a believer either. I've sat on the rocks behind the building where I work, held my face in my hands, and said please help me god. I did not believe anybody was listening. I felt no less alone after saying it. But I did it anyway, and I'll probably do it again.

No magic wand in the sky has to wave and produce miracles in order for that to make a difference. The effort of doing it works in your own heart, and maybe that's where the real power of it all lies. And maybe that's what god is. Maybe that's the way that god works.

Or maybe there isn't a higher power.

But still you have this sense, this feeling that there are things we can do that are good, and things we can do that are evil, and that it matters somehow.

Why do you suppose that is?

I'm not trying to make you believe in god. I can't even make myself believe in god.

But to me, the thing that makes god's existence most believable is the fact that god's existence is unknowable. And I think that if there is a god, his unknowability on the most basic human terms is where all his power lies.

Cruz, you're standing at the threshold of your future. Maybe you can get your cruel and, if you don't mind me saying, terrifying spouse back. Maybe you can have awesome sex with her again, and marvel at her brilliance, and stand in awe of how fine she is.

But so far, how's that workin' for ya?

GC

Dear Cruz,

I went through a similar break-up, after 8 years. What helped me IMMENSELY was going to my doctor. He prescribed some anti-depressants and I swear, within 30 minutes of taking one (they're called LEXAPRO), the horrible sadness just lifted and I started feeling so much better. If you're thinking that I wasn't hurting as much as you are, get this ... if I passed the freeway exit sign that he uses to go to work, I'd begin crying. Hearing the city's name he lived in (within 2 miles from where I live now), I'd cry. Hearing his name threw me into a crying jag that, at one point, I had to leave work because I couldn't compose myself.

Believe me ... I was a wreck. An anti-depressant may or may not make a difference, but it surely worked for me. Funny thing, after a few weeks, I wasn't taking them EVERY day ... and in a couple of months, I was probably taking them every few days. I carried them around in my purse "just in case" and I'll admit, a few times I had to take one. But the fact is, I was getting BETTER. I began feeling SO much better about myself, about friends (I'd turned into a horrible hermit), about Life itself.

Good luck Cruz ... it WILL get better, I know it will. You just have to work through this pain and hurt. Sounds trite and like I'm making light of it, but I'm not. I've been there. There's nothing "light" about the pain you're feeling and experiencing.

Take care,
nancy

GC is very wise here Cruz.

TBH I wold not consider the role faith plays in yoru situation. Your WW professes to be a Christian yet casually breaks the laws of God and man, premeditatedly so. You profess agnosticism yet seek redemption.

Whether religious or not you are faced with a PRACTIAL challenge now: to fully internalise the facts and start processing them.

1. Your WW cheated to BE with you and almost promised you that she would cheat ON you.
2. She DID cheat on you, apparently justified by her promise that she was likely to do so.
3. Whatever else you think about this woman, she is a serial hurter and serial cheater. Unless he got professional help I supect you would live in justified fear of repeat betrayals for the rst of your life with her, even if she came back to you.
4. There is not just YOU to consider here: your kids cannot make the choice to bury their self-respect and risk further hurts just to spend time in the presence of this 'wonderful woman'. YOU make that choice for them. You must consider what is best for THEM as well as for you, in the balance of the facts available to you.
5. You are using this as an excuse for self flagellation of Old Testament proportions. YES you did a very bad thing to your first wife. YES like the statistics predicted your affair-marriage has hit the skids. This should be a learning opportunity for you.

Cruz it seems to me you have been a romantic fool these past years. And I have to say that such is nice in novels and poems, but in life is just foolish.
Time to be a MAN and process the facts in the best interests of your family. Focus on your your kids best interests and you will assuage yoru guilt somewhat.

All blessings Cruz. I have great sympathy for you, but you are contributing to yor own bad situation right now. Stop it.

Final question, what would you do next if you weren't afraid ?

Graycloud,

Thank you for your post. You're right - it's not working for me.

nancy,

I've been considering going and getting some AD's. I am very depressed right now. I'm glad things have gotten better for you, but sadly I'm just not there yet.

bob pure,

I've watched your story unfold, and all I can say is I wish I could be where you are now. Your "final question" however, takes me some places I really shouldn't go right now. You're right; I have been a romantic fool for the past nine years (10 in February), and all for a lost cause.

Cruz

Cruz,

I am so glad you are talking to us. I agree with Nancy about the AD. Please, go to your doctor ASAP. Things WILL GET BETTER if you just start helping yourself. Getting AD would be a great first step that would help you mitigate the excruciating pain you are feeling now. Once the pain subsides, you will be able to start doing the things that you need to do to heal.

THERE IS HOPE AND HELP. You have wonderful friends here who understand you and are willing to help you. They can give you great advice, but it's up to you to follow it. Please, have the strength and will to seek healing and happiness.

Cruz.

I forgot to ask you, what are your fears? what do you fear the most?

Kenda wrote this for another person, but I thought of you when I read it:

"Heres a chop from Pittman's article.

ROMANTIC INFIDELITY

Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continuing living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate-someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own-is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born-any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up every-thing. Men in love lose their heads-at least for a while."

Hey buddy,

I haven't been here for a day or two,so I thought I'd check in...

Hoep things are going better for you...have you been to the Dr. re: some AD's? They do help...they take the "peaks and valleys" off your "rollercoaster", and losing those valleys is a GOOD thing.

Are you sleeping at night? Consider some sleep aids...I took Ambien for a while and it really helped also.

Have you gone REAL NC with WW? Every time you see her/talk to her, it stops the detachment process...find a hobby, keep yourself busy.

Are you exercsing at all? It helped me sleep at night once I started doing it.

I knwo this post seems a little disjointed, but I am not sure what you are doing to cope with the myriad of problems that crop up during this VERY stressful time.

As a result, I post everything I know, hoping that one or two of them can help mitigate the pain you are in right now...

Let us know what your days are like...hopefully you are getting through them as well as possible.

Scott

Cruz,

How are you doing?

Bump for Cruz...how are you doing man?

WNB

Bump again!

Hope all is as well as it can be...

Cruz,

Please, let us know how you are doing.

BUMP^^

For New member SNT

Cruz, if you're around we'd love to hear from you

^ one more time

I hope he's all right...