Cruz,

How are you doing?

Please tell us.

Cruz,

Hey, I also wanted to end it. I even got a rope and headed for the garage but I did not do it. That was a year ago and I am in a much better place today. I am divorced but I am MUCH better than last year. I caught myself singing in the shower the other morning and I had not done that for 1 1/2 years! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I cannot predict the future but I CAN and WILL tell you - the pain goes away.

You gotta take little steps. There is no magic fix. Keep talking to your friends, family, counselor, us here. Right now to ****** with your WW - take care of you and the kids.

We are here for you.

Now that was the most inspiring thing I've heard today! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Weaver,

Thank you - it really caught me off guard when I was singing. I always sang in the shower (I am a awful singer!). But there was a time when I could barely get out of bed and get in the shower. It was a very dark time in my life.

I want Cruz to know that it DOES get better. Not overnight but over time. He has to keep talking, keep moving, do things with the kids.

Cruz - Read books, lots of them. Read on affairs, relationships, greif, depression, etc. Read up on everything you are experiencing. It will help more than you ever know.

Look at my signature line Cruz (3 EA's / 1 PA). I have been through absolute ****** over the last 10 years. I made it. You will to. You gotta believe!

Post back to us. We need to hear from you.

Keith

Cruz,

Other than somebody you love, what else would you lose by losing your wife?

Cruz,

We need to hear from you. Lots of people here care about you.

Keith

lealas,

What else will I lose?

Just my hopes, my dreams, a future I so badly wanted, the light of my life and the fire of my heart, the one person on the face of this earth who knows my soul, my best friend, the woman of my fantasies, the most awesome lover I've ever known, the smartest person I know, the funniest person I have ever met, my passion for life, my inspiration, my Sunday afternoon football buddy, my favorite political pundit, the person who taught me to dance, the person who gives my life life and worst of all - the memories not yet lived.

I could go on.

Cruz

Cruz
Time to stop spreading honey on everything. Yes you'd lose all the stuff in your flowery reply. Also a woman who has deliberately and knowingly broken your heart, and damaged your children's lives over an entirely selfish whim.

That she warned you she might do this makes it WORSE not better as it was evidently premeditated. To knowingly inflict BS pain on somebody they know cares for them without remorse is evil, no less IMO.

She places her kids well being below her own pleasure, she cares for nothing but her own pleasure.

To YOU such deliberate evil is probably a price worth paying to get her back for just a sort while longer, but to ME reading your story, you are better off without her if she does not repent.

I have no respect for people who knowingly serve their own pleasures to the detriment of dependents.

You need to start thinking about applying some reality Cruz, rather than canonizing your WW.

She will only be those GOOD things again if she repents.

All blessings.

Cruz, what you wrote reminds me of a distinction M. Scott Peck makes in his writing - the difference between love and cathexis, and more importantly, the difficultly some have in distinguishing between the two.

If you're a reader, you might be interested in researching this distinction.

GC

It seems like it has been SOOO long for me, but it's been six months since D-Day and I remember SOMEONE (much smarter than me) telling me that affairs happen for two reasons:

Trouble in the marriage and matters of personal character.

Cruz, your WW is a SERIAL CHEATER who is without a shred of character. More frosting on that turd will NOT make it taste better, so please try not to "glamorize" the good when the bad she did far outweighs that good.

I don't know if you are still beating yourself up over your own affair of nine years ago, but you cannot continue to do that. You HAVE to realize you made a mistake and MOVE ALONG...learning from it and NOT doing it again, which I don't think you ever will.

Lordslady wrote something once that I still keep around:



If you are...STOP turning around.

WW is NOT the woman you thought you married, nor will she ever be, I am sorry to say. She is, in fact, quite different as you have found out.

I understand that you haven't detached from her yet, but it DOES get easier...an NC letter (excepting child/legal things)would be a GREAT start. I was there in April/May...wanting to call her and see STBXW. I have come a LOOONG way since then...you have to push through the pain to get "better".

There are TRULY women out there who are HONORABLE and looking for a man like you. Is it time to start dating? Not quite, but you have to have a "goal".

For me, I want to slowly and carefully cultivate a relationship that is OPEN and HONEST...it'll be hard because "protecting" people from pain by not having a PORH, isn't protecting them at all...it's a difficult thing to sit down with one you love and tell them bad things, but they will love and appreciate you for it when it is done out of Love and not Spite or Hate.

I have already had to confess my "sins" in a minor way and who know what will happen? Whatever happens, I was honest and I can live with that...I will not lie anymore.

Your "Life" cards are on the table...I know you don't like them, but disliking them won't change them a whit...you still have to deal with them.

Perhaps not an MB thing to post, but don't play those cards for your WW...instead play them for YOURSELF and your KIDS.

You have a LOT to live for, my friend...just bear down and get through it.

I am pulling for you...REALLY!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Scott

Cool word, that Cathexis:

Cathexis: Investment of mental or emotional energy in a person, object, or idea

That ain't love at all...

Cruz,

You won't lose your hopes, your dreams and your future, they will just be different (once you adjust).

You made her the light of your life and the fire of your heart, but this light has led you to where you are today ("...no longer the shadow of a man I used to be") and this fire is consuming you, destroying you.

You say she is the one that knows your soul, and what did she do with it? "...she took my heart and soul and crushed them like they were insects on the floor of her life." And you call this person your best friend? With this kind of friends who needs enemies?

I do agree she is the woman of your fantasies, because you are in a fantasy and refuse to see the reality.

Yes she is not ALL bad, she is smart, funny and a good f*, so what?

What memories not yet lived do you think you are missing? No doubt more pain and anguish. "I still love her despite the cheating and the lies and the cold indifference to what she has made me."

I think I know why you continue to idealize this woman despite the evidence. I was hoping you were going to tell me, but you are too much in the FOG to see it.

IMHO, if this woman is not your soul-mate and the love of your life, then you can't justify to yourself the pain you put your first wife and children through. If she is just a slut that has temporarily been in your life, you would have to face your mistakes. I might be completely wrong, but I would like you to consider the possibility that I'm not.

I don't doubt for a minute that you love her, but I read what you say and I see that you are losing yourself. I have nothing against her, I don't know her, but I don't like seeing what you are doing to yourself. IMO you need to start taking care of yourself. If you can save your marriage, good for you, but if you have to let go, then let go and eventually be happy again.

That was a HUGE thing for me to overcome! I had to admit I was WRONG about so many things.

Very insightful of you... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

WW is NOT the woman you thought you married, nor will she ever be, I am sorry to say. She is, in fact, quite different as you have found out.


I guess I would have to disagree with this. She is EXACTLY what he married...she was cheating on her first H and laughing about it. She even shared those laughs with cruz...whether or not he laughed is moot...he saw what she was capable of. She is true to form...her vow to cruz was "I Do...Until I can do better". She thinks she has found her "better" and she has bailed...just as she told him that she would...and just how he ACCEPTED when he married her.

While others might say that it's not something that he needs to be reminded of because he is "hurting", I think it would behoove him to figure out why he still married her KNOWING all this about her...and what her plans were if something else she liked came along. He needs to deal with his own demons in all this and stop trying to analyze her words and her actions. Her actions have matched her words...what's to figure out?

JMHO
committed

WOW!

Nothing like a little tough love and cold water. Thanks to all of you for your input. For the most part I have to admit to myself the wisdom of your words. It's just really hard to do.

Lealas - You're not wrong, and right now that particular aspect of all this is the hardest part of all.

Cruz

Cruz,

you are really getting great advice. REALITY. These people know.

I'm very sorry for your situation but I think that you could be of so much help to people who come here, actually you already have been of great help, so I will pray for you to have the strength to recover yourself, for YOU and YOUR children and for all of us.

cc

Thanks cc.

I hope you will keep posting.
You're welcome. I meant what I said. I hope you don't disappear again.

CC is right, Cruz.

You gave yourself over to that woman when you left your family for her, and you've said that in doing this, you lost yourself.

Do you think perhaps the opportunity for redemption is before you right now?

Would that be important to you?

GC

Redemption.

What does that really mean graycloud?

How can I redeem myself after what I have done?

My ww claims to be a Christian. I claim not to be, but I believe in Christian values. What does that make me?

All of my friends are Christians. Her friends are not.

I have spent my life not as an atheist, but as some one who questioned religion.
More and more I find myself looking for something greater than myself because I have found that I don’t have all the answers. I used to think I did, but I don’t.

I thought I knew pain when I left my first wife. I didn’t. It is amazing how stupid a person can be. I haven’t talked to anybody in my real life about any of this. I think I need God now.

Thank you all…

Cruz