Okay here goes it has been a while since I posted been working as much as I can to get the money together for the bills at the end of the month worked 18 hours yesterday and I am sooo tired I can hardly go but hey I have to survive eat feed the kids pay the rent and stuff like that. But I don't have much time for anything else also have another job interview on mon to sttend. Yeah I do need another job ask me and I will explain.

Okay now back to the meat of my delimma. Alright set boundries last sunday afternoon by about 9 o'clock that night they were out the window at least I kinda feel that way. DD11 broke down that evening on the way from friends house. Don't know why maybe seeing thier family together and missing her own. Could be she had had enough of the stuff that was going on and his behavior. Who knows

So I ask if she wants to call him she replies yes. So I tell her to go up stairs and talk I will keep DD2 busy down here. So up she goes. And 20 min later he is at my door knocking. I answer he askes where she is and i say up stairs so he comes in and goes up stairs and they talk for about 45 min i guess and he comes down and plays with DD2 and follows me around while I do nightly clean up and he findly says "I didn't mean to barge in but she was crying and we where in the area" I just said what ever. And he hung around for another 5 min and so before he left. What gives with that. MY head hurts so bad dealing with all this.
He then makes arrangements to see kids next day calls and cancels plans to see them the next day so he shows up takes them for ice cream brings them back an hour later. then had plans to see them on thurs then never showed and today he hasn't called so i have no idea whathas been happening. But then again I haven't been online or did much of anything for thr last 2 days except work and sleep.

So did I just let him walk all over my boundries or what. Should I not have let him in or to see the kids. Did I wimp out. I just feel that they needed him at that time and could not refuse him access to them wouldn't that have back fired on me if I had refused him. Please tell me if I screwed up or not

bump^ for joanna,

She needs a little help guys!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

All I can say is ((((hugs!)))) joanna, sounds like you are working real hard and dealing with it all.

I am sorry your WS can't see what he is doing to your kids, let alone you.

How is your oldest daughter doing? It must be hard on her with all the broken promises from her dad.

Just want you to know I am praying for you.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Joanna,

WS make our children casualties of this A war. Is he trying to push your buttons and that of your children? Yes.

Will it be hard to hold your ground? Yes.

I know you are tired, when you are a bit more rested, let's help you get a plan. When you have some thinking time at work, think about asking him to set his visitation and then he doesn't keep his commitment to the children and yourself, what the consquences w/b. Make sure there is at the very very least a monetary impact.

The WS will feel used and he should be. Mine said similar like: 'oh you only want me for my $$?' I replied 'well if that's all you are good for, we actually would like you t/b a good father and a good H but if you can't, least thing you w/b doing is paying like one.' Then his response was: 'well I can't give you all the $$ I know you need.' I said: 'Oh, you can't? Hm.... so you abandon your family and NOW you want to relinquish your financial obligations.?' The WS replied: 'it's too hard for me to give you $$. U want me to rob a bank?' I retorted: 'look you don't tell me what you do in your A but if that is the best you can do, then you'd better be prepared to go to jail over it and then how would you be able to meet your financial obligations?'

Oh yea, we went round and round on this point. He was babbling and I kept throwing it back?

Reverse babble helps you survive.

I am sorry for your daughter.....you put the responsibility for his actions back on him. Unfortunately she will suffer some of the consquences of his actions. Prepare her for it.
Reassure her of your love. Form a bond and be each other's support.

take care,
L.

Well I am bit more rested but 18 hour days are hard but I only do a few a week so i will be okay.WH has ponied up the rest of the child support for the month. but he screwed up his visatation for next weekend I am allowing the children to go out of town with my mother to vist a very sick family member. So ha no vist for him next week I meant every word of if you take one you take them both. It is only fair he will just have to find and alt. place to stay during those times. He is listening to an extent about OW and DD11 so that helps. I am holding my ground and will not back off.

I just need encouragement that I am not screwing this up. I have stayed out of his A and mind my own business. I feel like I am wavering between Plan A and Plan B. I am polite on the phone now and hold my anger most of the time. But I do slip sometime. DD11 and I have always been close and we do support each other as much as possible. We have a bond that runs very deep and I do not involve her in this i just let her know that I love her and I am here for her. If she needs to talk I am here. But right now she feels very angry with WH for his behavior and what a bad example he is providing to her and her sister. She has lost her faith in marriage ans a bunch of relationship stuff he has failed to realize that when we married he married her as well.

I need some good ideas as to consequenses to his actions of not following through so throw some my way and I will read and reread the reverse babble thread.

Oh yeah Here is a question why after all this time would he try and do things on the phone like ask me how I am and if there is something wrong I try to stay on subject but he drifts off subject with things should I respond to his drifting questions or pretend like he didn't say anything.

He is not trying to help you but IMHO ease his conscience and get you to fill his EN. While that may sound doable in reality it is a selfish request because as a WS he has not intention of helping you or your family.

So you are taking the right path. Save your love for your H not the WS. Be bold and when he acts up, ask him....which one do you think you are right now....the WS or H? Let him tell you. He may lie but at least it came from his mouth.

L.

okay I get it but his refusal to see what he is doing to the kids burns me up and I have no intentions on filling his EN's right now but at times I think I see my H . like when he apoligized for some of the stuff he has accused me of. I just hate when he trys to play the victim and It really burns me up with the I love you but not in love with you or love you as the mother of my children junk. I am sorry but I have no feelings like that toward my first husband at all. I just feel that it is all a cover up for the reality that he is still in love with me and he has to say that or he will break down and do the right thing. What do you all think

Orchid: I understand. So concentrate on reassuring yourself and your children that you love them and will not abandon them. Lots of hugs to give and receive here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

U R right not to meet the WS' EN. Your H's ENs that's different. Can u tell the difference?


Orchid: Yea well....apologies are only good if they stay as apologies. When he does this, be the gracious lady and accept it. How you forgive it comes later.


Orchid: Now this is a time that could negate his apology. Let him know that when he plays the victim, he has got the roles all mixed up (aka: babbling). Come straight out and tell him he is babbling. No details unless he asks, then let him go wonder about his commuication skills.

From experience I can tell you that the longer the WS babbles to the BS, the greater the chances he is babbling to others. Most people are too polite to tell a WS off due to babbling but in time, even others will get fed up with the babble.



Orchid: It is called 'conflict avoiding'. A requirement for the A. If the WS can make you the BS feel bad, it strengthens his A. Does that make sense? No, but that's the mentality of the WS. Crazy isn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

okay got it and will practice it as much as I can. But here is an update of a horrible weekend.

Well had good plans yesterday took kids to festival parade and then at 4 where to go to festival to kill some time and hve a little fun. well good plan didn't work out so well. DD2 went down for a nap and woke up with a fever nothing else.so gave so motrin for the fever and thought she was okay so I thought we will still go. well we went and had a good time spent about 2 hours there and were planning on seeing the fireworks but as I was walking back to van with my DD2 she didn't look right so I pick her up and she was burning up so load everyone back into the van and off to the urgent care center.

What a load 2 hour wait so we leave and go directly to the hosp. DD2 has a temp of 104.3 critical . Rush us back and start measures to get it down. Husbands buddy was there in er dropping of a patient and we talk a little and he leaves next thing i know WH is calling er so I return his call and he starts grilling me. Told him what happened.

I figure buddy called him cause I wasn't going to. he goes on about how he left work early because his back was hurting no sympathy here for him. he says he is on his way I said whatever. He had the nerve to bring OW with him and left her in the car. I wanted to go out there and kick the crap out of her. But restrained my self. MIL had been with me for about an hour so i asked her to tell him that she was not welcome here and to please leave wh said she wasn't coming in so she sat in the car for over 3 hours waiting. DD11 blew up took WH outside and blasted him. DD2 wouldn't let go of me so I was no help. He is such an idiot.

Well good news fever was caused by virus and we where sent home at about 11 last night. DD11 was fuming and had told WH she couldn't wait for the divorce cause she wouldn't have to see him again. this is shuch a mess and he called today and she let him have it again. His last words to her today was what do you want me to say then she hung up on him.
I feel that i will no longer be a buffer between then and I encourge her to let her anger out but caution her to direct it where it is suppose to go. I love my husaband but hate the person he is now. I miss my best friend and the father of my children the person he is now is but a shell of what and who he use to be.

What a weekend, I am glad you dd is ok and it was just a virus. What a nightmare. Do you ever just wish you could wake up from this nightmare?

It's sad when the WS turns even family emergencies to do stupid things (like bring the OW to ER). Mine went to Yosemite with OW (apologizing for not being at the hospital - go figure) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> while I had our son in ER (due to asthma attack). Talk about anger..... I still fume thinking about it.

How is your little one today?

L.

Sorry guys it took me a while to get back to yah. DD2 is better DD11 is madder and fuming. She has gotten to the point she doesn't want WH at her b-day party and really is sick of hearing his voice.His excuses. If he tells her one more time that he is not coming home I will reach through the phone and choke him. She is sick of it and the way he is acting who would want him here.

He doesn't get that being a good parent is the most selfless job you can choose to do and right now it is all about him . He has got the me me me selfishness down pat.
I am sick of it my self but I am holding coarse. I have turned my life and the situation of to god's hands. He knows what to do better then I. Have been attending church 3 times a week and I feel great at least people don't look at me like I am an idiot for wanting to save my marriage.

I don't go for a lot f the old testament stuff but I am his wife and until such time as I am released from my vows I will act as such regardless. I do not want a D but if he files then so be it. I am working on my self and want a deeper connecton with god.

Joanna, hang in there. I was finally able to go to church yesterday for the first time since d day (7/4/05). I just couldn't bring myself to go, as you know people talk. Well yesterday DD16 insisted I go with her, and what a relief. I had more support than I thought.
Others may not understand my attempts in saving my marriage, but I do pray that WW will wake up out of her fog and leave OM and come home, if it doesn't happen then the changes I've made and still making will hopefully benifit some other woman.
Stay strong for your children and yourself Joanna.

Thank you Big wave. it has been really hard for me to attend anything with large crowds even going to the grocery store has been hard I really hate going to walmart. I just don't want to run into any one we knew. It is to painful to have to deal with more of his make believe. I just want my family back whole. And I fear that ir never will be but am ready in away to accept it. But I still have hope and noone can take that from me