Hi all.

We have been married for a little over 3 years now. We are expecting our first child any day now.

I've always a person who has a hard time trusting other people. It takes a very long time to gain my trust...

And my wife knew this before she married me. It was a point I made VERY clear when I proposed to her, something many people have not been able to do. She knew getting into this that if that trust was ever lost, it would take her even longer to regain it!

Well, just months after we got married I found out she was talking to guys online via AOL Instant Messenger. They were sending her nude pictures of themselves.

After hours of talking, she finally broke down and admitted that she made a mistake.

Stuff like that really messes with your mind. I'll never know what they talked about, what led up to the exchanging of pictures, what kind of pictures she sent them. The fact that I work 3rd shifts sometimes made the whole thing even worse.

I have forgiven her of this, but it will never be forgotten. I don't hang it over her head, I don't ever bring it up...

But every now or then I catch her telling these little lies, or find out she is hiding things from me. These type of things really get to me because I always have to wonder "what else is she hiding from me"?

One of her favorite things to lie to me about is her smoking habit.

I'm going to sound like a hypocrite now, because I am a smoker. I am honest about my efforts to quit though.

The first time I was very understanding with her. When she quit I made a HUGE deal about it, letting her know how proud I was of her. I knew she only hid it from me because she didn't want to dissapoint me.

The second time I was pretty understanding about it too. She didn't try to deny it, and I understand how hard it is to quit smoking!

The past few weeks I have noticed ashes on the side of her car. I've been quiet about it, trying to keep the peace. Today she came home from work and gave me a kiss, and I could smell it on her breath.

I waited until my stepson left the room and asked her if she was smoking. She looked me right in the eyes and said No! Not once, but 3 times.

In the past she was just trying to hide it from me, now she is flat out lying to me about it.

This kind of thing scares me to death. I worry that these little lies will turn into even bigger ones. Worst of all, she has completely lost my trust.

Am I over exagerating this situation? I know that this is not the biggest problem being discussed her by far, but I worry that it will eventually lead to those bigger problems.

You are expecting her to give up something you are not willing to give up in your own life?

Children raised in homes where smokers live are more likely to have asthma, ear infections, and other health problems. Or, so I've read. Never having been a smoker and having no smokers in the family, this is something of which I do not have personal knowledge.

I realize your issue here is honesty.

But you are asking her to give up something to which she may have a psychological or physical dependence. And you may have the same dependence.

Why don't you both quit - TOGETHER? Through a smoking cessation program in which you would have accountability to OTHER people.

As for the honesty issue.....I recommend you post possibly on the Emotional Needs board. This board doesn't get a lot of traffic - especially on the weekend.

With all due respect--you are a piece of work! If you were my husband, I'd NEED to look at pictures of naked men too. The next time you find out your wife's been looking at nudies, stand in front of her and take your clothes off. Play a little music and do a dance while you're at it! Man--lighten-up! You need a sense of humor!

Why do you ask her questions you already know the answers to? That's sneaky and more dishonest than her "white lies" you've become so obsessed with. You say "this kind of thing (dishonesty) scares me to death."

I hate to wish it on you--but you need something that can really scare you to death to put this into perspective--Have you had no REAL problems in life?

What should be scaring you to death is bringing a baby into a house with TWO smokers. You said you are about to give birth. If your wife hasn't been able to kick the habit, the damage to the neonate is already done.

Maternal smoking has been clearly demonstrated to be associated with increased health problems in infants and in older children. Among these are low birth weight, increased rates of sudden infant death syndrome, and increased rates of wheeze-associated lower respiratory illness (WRLI) and pneumonia.

The study, released by the American Association for Cancer Research in Washington, says the compounds can cause genetic damage and may be a prelude to childhood leukemia and other cancers.

But before you go ripping into your wife on the matter, consider this: Cancer-causing chemicals in cigarette smoke pass from mother to unborn baby, whether the mother smokes or not.

Pregnant women exposed to the secondhand smoke of co-workers or family members pass some of the blood-borne chemicals to their unborn babies, researchers say. The more time the mother spends with the second hand smoker, the greater the amount. In some cases, the amount can be almost as much as if she smokes herself, depending on her pack-a-day habit. If she was a light smoker, and you a heavy one, you could have contributed more, not less.


So while you are busy worrying about your "trust issues" and spying for ashes, your own second hand smoke likely contributed to the risk for your newborn.

Now, after the baby is born, what do you think will happen if both YOU and your WIFE smoke around this baby already at risk? What about the other child--the step child? Do you two smoke around him? Does he get alot of colds, respiratory infections, ear infections? Does he weeze of have asthma? If so second hand smoke is probably to blame.

Remember I said, "I hate to wish it on you--but you need something that can really scare you to death to put this into perspective--Have you had no REAL problems in life?"

See--you have a REAL problem now! I hope your new baby beats the odds and has a happy, healthy life. I've lost a child to a genetic disease and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Your wife is adicted and so are you. Yes, it was very hard for your wife to quit smoking--but did you know that studies show it is significantly more difficult when there is another smoker in the house? You set your wife up for failure when you did not quit with her.

pieta,
I don't think this man asked you to tell him all about how smoking affects anything, and everything. From what I understood from the post he, AND his wife are trying to quit. The jabs you took at his "unreal" problems are awful. I'm sorry for your loss, but that doesn't give you the right to spout your anger on anyone who isn't living the way you think is ideal. I lost a child to a genetic disease last Febuary. GENETIC has nothing to do with smoking! My Lord, how long did it take for you to type all that out? Everyone has a vice, I don't care who you are... we all have one. My guess is that one of yours is telling other people the "correct" way to live. Your are entitled to your opinions, but that's what they are... opinions! You know, I just joined this forum about a week ago, but I'm already contemplating leaving, because of a few people on here are determined to make an arguement about everything. There is no reason to be this meanspirited. These kinds of posts are not supportive, nor are they helpful, and I thought that's what this place was supposed to be for.
Anyway, I will give my opinion on the question Rootnik asked in the first place.
Rootnik,
I do agree that you shouldn't be asking your wife questions that you already know the answers to. Pressuring her about smoking, and lying about smoking is only going to stress her out more, and make her feel like having a cigarette that much more. Be supportive, ask what you can do to help. As far as the naked men on the computer thing, sounds to me like she's not getting her needs met. The lying part isn't what would concern me as much to WHY she feels like doing this. Sounds to me like you're not getting your needs met for honesty, so some good communication about emotional needs, who needs what, and how often needs to take place.

I agree that your W is not getting her needs met somehow. She might not know what they are or is too embarrassed to talk about them. The pics are due to something not being met. The lies, I'm guessing, are about her. They are not to hurt you, they are due to her insecurities about smoking. She may have some issues regarding WHY she's going on-line.

The pics may have been out of her control. You can't stop someone from sending you pics or an email with indecent material.

Lay off the smoking issue. It has nothing to do with your relationship. Start talking about the lies. Communicate and open up. Find out the reasons why.

Also, are your needs being met? It's a two-way street.

Thanks for the replies...

I just want to make one thing very clear. I do NOT sneak around trying to catch my wife doing stuff. I'm not sure how anybody could get that out of what I typed above.

Pieta, I wasn't aware that me confronting my wife was a form of dishonesty. Thanks for filling me in on that bit of info...

As far as "lightening up", I doubt it. I refuse to be looking back at these days 10 years from now thinking "I should have known!"

cinderella,

Smoking is not the issue here. I've been very understanding with the hard time she has had quiting. I never asked her to quit. She attempted this on her own, and I supported her.

I've tried to quit as well, and each time I gave in I was on the phone with her minutes later telling her that I was waving the white flag. I agree that I have not set a good example in my failing efforts to quit smoking.

The issue here is trust. Instead of listing every lie she has ever told me, I gave an example of what happened that day.

None the less, theses are the type of replies I was looking for. I'm not looking for pitty here. I have an open mind and am able to look at things in different perspectives.

My needs are being met, other than the honesty issue. There is nothing in this world that could replace my wife. Isn't that why we are here?

Hi
I am new here and I don't know too many things about marriage.
But I can give you my oppinion and you can use if you want it.
I have trust issues with my husband and I am starting to see the light.
I think that one of the reassons someaone we care about is lying to us is because we ask too much from them. For example, my husband is very easy going he tells me how he loves everything i do ,how I look great and I am smart.
I am the opposite ,he has to ask me if he looks ok.Or if he does something I have the tendence to critique all the time.That can put a lot of stress and preasure on the other one.Maybe she thinks that no matther she does is not good enough.
of course you don't trust her and you DO expect her to fail.And mybe she knows that ,she knows what are you waiting for and it makes her very nervous.
I think you should just let her be.That's the think I showld do:) If she wants to smoke,let her .She is old enough the know the risk.Just take care of her, don't ask anything for her and maybe in time she will prove that you can trust her.
But she will defenitly need a chance.
If she fails or if she does good just accept her.That's how my husband does to me and even though i am very sekfish I still have moments when it strikes me how lucky I am and how I should make efforts.
Good luck:)

I watched a show on TV re: liars. It said all and all after 2 hrs. That when a person lies they try to convince you -if they are telling the truth it is like hearing a story. Maybe this will help in the future with others here as well.