After H dropped the bomb of wanting a D 8 months ago, I am slowly coming to grips with things. This has been the hardest thing I have ever dealt with .I have stopped fighting him about the divorce, I finally told him a couple of weeks ago that I have accepted his choice to end the marriage, and although I disagree I will not fight about it anymore. I only asked that we go through mediation because I would rather spend the money in the kids, then on divorce attornies.
Since then things have become worse.
I think he was holding it over my head, like a weapon, and I stopped being scared.
I have realized many bad things about myself and have been working on them. I have been going to therapy and have been making positive changes.
The problem however is that H has many, many symptoms of MLC and obviously will not see that he has issues too.
He lost his job in April, and has not been able to find work.He has since moved 3000 miles away to stay with his broither to look for a job. I know he feels badly that this situation has affected our financial situation, and that he is unable to provide for the children or me. I know he loves our children and misses them, and I think he is guilt ridden, but will never admit that.
I have been blamed for everything. I have been told that I am the cause of his misery, I have ruined his life, he doesn't love me anymore, and that I will never change. When he does start to see changes he will push and push until I finally react, and then will say "see, you didn't really change".
I am starting to see that we had many bad habits throughout our marriage and we both contributed to them.
I know I can only work on ME, I have finally learned that I can not control him in any way, or make him change, or even see that he has issues too.
Our communication skills are greatly lacking and we keep going in circles.
I need it to stop.
I don't know how.
I have set boundaries, but he keeps crossing them.
He will tell me I am insane, I am mentally imbalanced, I am a psycho b***h, jealous, that I have never loved him, I don't understand him, I am just a weight around his neck. etc.
Then there is the other side, he will sometimes call me and tell me that he misses me, that he wants us to work together as a team for the sake of the children, that he misses my company, he thanks me for keeping this family together through all of this, that I will always have a special place in his heart.
I feel like I am on a rollercoaster ride from ******.
I am in prayer constantly, and I know I need to trust that God can do miracles.
I also know that the changes have to begin with me.
I try to be upbeat when he calls, and try to be indifferent.
I have stopped the I love you's and the neediness and the clingy stuff.
Like I said I am going around and around in this cycle and it doesn't stop.
H is not willing to go to councelling with me.
He saw a therapist for a little while, but was told that I had kept him in a box and have never let him be his own person, and that he should seek his own self determination.
I haven't talked to him in 3 days, he wants our communication to be via email only until further notice.
I find this to be a control issue.
I know that I have given you alot of information, but I could really use some direction. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hello, welcome to MB'ers.

Weekends tend to be a bit slow (I guess many folks log on from work...). Keep posting, reply to your own thread if need be to keep it on page one. Also - you might want to post on the Emotional Needs section - there is more 'traffic' there. I hope that infidelity is not an issue for you. (If so, General Questions is a good place for info about that.)

Anyway, I can't pretend I have lots of advice for you, just wanted to let you know you've been 'heard'. I hope you've read all the info on this web site - Basic Concepts and Dr Harley's Articles (there are links at the top of the page). Since you know you can only work on yourself, I have to ask - do you know what LB'ers (Love Busters) you need to work on? Do you have a plan to eliminate them? That is really the best place to start as LB'ers destroy love faster than you can build it. When you get LB'ers under control, then work on meeting EN's (Emotional Needs).

Looking ahead to that point in time, do you know what your husband's EN's are? And yours?

Whether Infidelity is an issue or not, you may consider researching and implementing Plan B. You need to protect yourself from being hurt anymore and he needs to take some serious steps in acknowleding and repairing his behavior.

I had printed up the questionaires a while ago, but he was not interested in filling them out.
he does not want to work on the marriage he wants out!!!

He is not in a position to acknowledge anything he has done right now.
He is is MLC, and right now he is in selfish mode, it is all about him.
Plan B?

I didn't ask about him, I asked about you. What are your LB'ers? What are you doing to eliminate them?

You cannot control or change anyone except yourself. But when you change yourself you can change your relationship.

I am an over reactor. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I speak before thinking, and my prayer is now "Lord put a bridle on my mouth"!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
I am a fixer, I want to fix then problem, now, my way!
I am inpatient, and have major anxiety issues.
I badger my H as to his where abouts.Well, only recently as he left our home and when he turns off his cell phone, I get frustrated. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
Shall I go on........
He has told me about a thousand times that he and his old high school friend are just "friends" nothing more.
Even though he spends countless hours on the phone with her and spends time with her.
Every time her name comes up I make some rude comment. I hate it when I act this way, I have to stop!!! But I am jealous, and insecure about it. I am told my fears are unfounded, and i have made things worse. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I love my H and unfortunately I did not see how my behavior affected so many things.
Yes, I am working on them, and yes there have been changes.
I am not going to play the blame game anymore, it doesn't help and besides H can not and will not see how any of his actions have contributed to the demise of this relationship.
I actually made a list of personal goals this morning.

I will no longer complain about all that is going on at home while he is away looking for a job, 3000 miles away. I will be upbeat and listen to what he is saying and be encouraging.
I will take my complaints to God for now!

I will NOT react I will think about my words and try really hard to get a grip, even if he is saying things that are unkind or untrue.

There are a few more, but I think you get the gist.
My marriage is important to me, and I want to save the relationship.
But there needs to be a starting point, and that begins with me.
I pray for strength to get through this .
By the way, he asked me not to call him or text him anymore, to contact him only via email.
I have respected his wishes, and sent him only one email as one of the kids was sick.
I know he was expecting me to be bombarding him with phone calls, texts, emails etc.
This is a big deal for me, and so for the past 4 days, I am proud of my self control. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WOW! I am impressed that you can come up such a list about thimgs you need to work on. That is an excellent start! (BTW, don't bother telling him how you're going to change. Just do it!)

The mention of his 'old high school friend' has red flags waving. I assume this an old high school girl friend. Not good. We use the term EA (Emotional Affair) to refer to infidelity that doesn't involve sex (which we call a PA - Physical Affair). Please don't minimize the effects of this old friend. An EA is just as damaging as a PA.

I suggest you also post on the EN's section. There are many good folks there. I bet they'd be helpful in getting those LB'ers under control. Also, please post on the GQ (General Questions) area in the Infidelity section. (If you like I can help by posting links to this thread for you.)

Get some advice about dealing with the 'old friend'. You will likely hear talk about Plan A & Plan B. These are Dr Harley's plans for dealing with infidelity. Plan A has you doing your best to eliminate LB'ers, meet EN's and exposing the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, thus exposure helps them wither. Plan B is brought into play when Plan A (which has a definate time limit) fails to end the affair. Plan B seperates you from the 'WH' (Wandering Husband) to prevent further loss of love from your Love Bank.

IMO, Plans A & B are not D-I-Y techniques. You need a good coach to guide you through all this. I look at it this way - there are many ways to screw up the rebuilding of your marriage and one way to do it right. You need a pro to guide you along the way so you get it right. Please consider calling the Harleys for advice and coaching. There is a link at the top of the page.

posting the links would be great, thank you.
I can not afford to call right now, when H left me and our kids, he left us pretty much broke.
I finally had to apply for food stamps, and I live on his unemployment check.
Things are pretty bad, but I honestly thik I knew they would get worse before they got better.
I just can not afford to screw up anymore.
I love my H dearly and hate to see him going through this mess.
I have to let go and let God and that is hard for someone with my personality.
If I keep stepping int he way, it takes the focus off of him and puts it back on me.

Good morning,

I'm sorry if this is going to be a bit ..er.. focused and short but I'm getting ready to run to class (I'll be back later) and I wanted to ask a few questions.

First, a comment. I suggest that you take a good look at your boundaries. You said that "You put up boundaries and he crosses them." that tells me that they're not good or true boundaries. We need to work on that because you desperately need some right now.

The thing about this situation that bothers me greatly is: here you have a man (person, gender doesn't matter) that is acting very badly. Basically, he's threatening to pick up all his toys and leave the playground or has left the playground depending on how you look at it. While it's a great idea to be aware of what behaviors bother him or drive him away and stop doing them - it's not such a great idea to create the impression that this type of behavior is a mechanism for him to get everything he wants and a new friend to share it with if you know what I mean.

Boundaries are designed to help you act in a way that focuses on self control (not doing things he finds annoying) and protecting yourself from dancing like a puppet at the end of his string.

So, let's start here. Tell me all about what boundaries you've set up and how he crosses them.

Mys

When he gets verbally abusive, I tell him that he needs to stop or I will hang up the phone.He likes to let me know I am a jealous freak, a psycho, a weight around his neck, I ruined his life, he has been miserable for 20 years, etc, etc.
So, I usually end up hanging up the phone, this makes him even angrier and then I get either the silent treatment when he will not talk to me, or he will call back or email me something really nasty.
I do not get apologies, ever!!


His "friend" I have told him how I feel about her, but he will still continue to be with her.Says they are only friends, infact she is his bestfriend, and I can not control who his friends are.
I told him that I do not want to tell him that I find this OK. He is mad at me because he will sometimes tell me that he spent time with her, and then wonder why i am upset, if he was honest.He still refuses to admit that there is anything more then just a friendship between them, and
Then I get the" see, I can not trust your reactions this is why I don't tell you anything".
How the heck am I supposed to react???
Yes it is true, about a couple of years ago our family was under extreme stess, my Father in law died, we were both working, we had a new baby, out house was under construction, etc, etc. Neither of us worked on the marriage and we got into a funk.'
I have made changes, and he says they are not sincere, they are a form of manipulating him to come back. he says I am whiteknuckling it and that I will never change.
Do I ever backslide? Yes, absolutely, but then i am the first to apologize and ask for forgivness which I do not receive.
I take responsibility for putting my marriage on the back burner, I didn't do my part in making things better.
I see that now, and I want to make things right.
After 20 years and 8 children, I have seen the error of my ways and I want another chance.
I love my husband, and I am in therapy, I am working on my issues.I am trying hard not to be reactionary, and I want to stop defending myself, and just learn to listen to him.
It has now been 5 days since he even called me, as he has shut off from me.
We had a big fight on the phone.
I was deoressed, so many things going on at home.
I asked about his evening, and he told me that he had spent it with his friend helping her to set up her classroom. Yes, this was a kind gesture on his part, but I am 3000 miles awy with my kids, and HIS mother and Ineed help too. I was jealous and called her needy. Told him that it isn't fair that he is there for his needy friend when I need him at home.
Things got heated and then I stupidly said "so after the classroom was set up, did you F*** her on the desk?
YES, stupid, stuid, stupid.
I apologized imediately, but have not heard from him since.
He only wants me to contact him via email.
I know he has been expecting me to be bombarding him with texts, phone calls, emails, etc.
BUT I am not going to cross his boundaries, I am trying to be respectful of his space.
Things have gotten so out of hand, and I can not fix things anymore.
I am on my face praying each and every day for a miracle.
I have made a list of goals for myself, mailnly about my own attitude and my big mouth.
So, do you think this is a hopeless case??

Ouch! I'd hang up the phone too! (And, he would be welcome to his anger.)


I think this is wise.

Somehow, though, the two parts of this aren't quite adding up to me. It almost sounds like both of you are talking but there's not much listening going on.

How long is he going to be 3000 miles away?

If he's looking for work there .. are there plans in the works to reunite your family? It is very difficult to work on a marriage while you're seperated by such a huge distance.

Mys

He isn't planning on reuniting the family.
He will help me and the kids relocate so we can both be with the kids, but he wants a divorce, but wants us to co-parent together.
No, we are not listening to reach others needs.
I am trying so hard, but he is in MLC mode.
He has rewritten history and says I have ruined his life.
he can't wait to be done with me.

Is it in your best interest to relocate? For example, would you be able to support yourself better where you are now or are you closer to friends/family as resources to help you?

It can really be difficult to try and patch a relationship together when it's long distance - especially since it sounds as though the 'friend' is where he is (is that true)?

Yet, at the same time, you don't want to compromise your future and the future of your children by going out there if the situation is highly unstable. Promises made in the context of 'making a divorce' easier tend to evaporate if you don't play by the 'rules' when you get there. It's wise to think of that ahead of time.

I know it's hard not to listen, but please don't buy into the 'you've ruined my life' story. You didn't ruin his life.. that's just blatant manipulation on his part to get you to do what he wants you to do.

I think the first thing you should do is to really sit down and think about your position and what you need to do to protect yourself and your children from this situation. I'm not saying that you should do anything 'hostile' towards your husband but he's asking for space right now anyway. Put this time to good use by building yourself an action plan of how you want YOUR life to go and what YOU need in order to proceed on (with or without him).

That type of decision making will do a couple of things. One it will get your mind off of some of the highly destructive trains of thought it might be wanting to head down. 2.) It will provide you some confidence and strength to stand up for your self and assert what you need and what you plan to do (boundaries!) and 3.) it will help you appear less needy or clingy to your husband.

I hope this helps,

Mys

Plan B time

I don't think I am in a position to make demands at this time.
Our communication i so bad, that if I were to "tell him" anything, it would only push him further away.
Or am I missing out on something here????
Isn't it better to just let him be for now, to do his own thing, and let him make his own mistakes?
He needs his space, and although I do not condone the relationship he has I can not do anything about it.