Does the pain ever really go away? I have been living with the knowledge of my husbands' affair for almost two months - And I am more confused now than ever. (You can read my whole story under "How to choose joy through pain.")

I truly believe my husband is willing to make us work, but I am not sure any more if that is what I want. I am afraid that I will spend my whole life thinking about what happened. Everything reminds me of how messed up my life is right now. I feel like I am throwing myself a pity party, but I honestly thought my husband would never hurt me like this. We even discussed what would happen if either one of us ever had a affair. I always said I would leave. I tell myself to be strong - but does it take more strength to stay or to go? I have known him for 10 years, he is my absolute best friend; but I feel I do not know him anymore. I know people make mistakes and I should and will have to forgive. God demands we forgive those who hurt us. But he also says divorce is OK when there is marital unfaithfulness. I so struggle with that. I tell myself we would both be better off without each other. He can move on and so can I.

I have not discussed the affair for one whole week. I am trying not to bring it up, but he sees it in my face. I will be doing pretty good for a few days - happy and upbeat, then I fall into a slump and hate everything. I know I can not be the woman God wants when all I do is worry about my situation and my feelings. I feel as though God has taken away the one thing I prided most - my marriage. I enjoyed bragging on how great my husband was, and how we had only been with each other. All that is gone now. I guess God wanted me to see that all we have is from God - not from us.

Please pray that God will move in my heart. I am scared of becoming a bitter, lonely, old woman.

Please, does the pain ever go away?

MySo,

My H and I are 7 1/2 yrs past discovery of his affair and I'm going to be totally honest with you.

No, it doesn't ever go COMPLETELY away. At least, for me, it has not yet. There's always a little nagging twinge when certain triggers pop up. But it's not often now, and never with that gut-wrenching pain you are still experiencing.

Hon, it's only been two months for you. You are expecting too much of yourself to be "over it" by now. You are still raw in the pain and hurt. This first year is the VERY hardest to get through. But with lots of work and effort from BOTH of you, you CAN get through this! And you can have a better marriage than you ever dreamed possible. Honest!!

Would my occasional pain be over if I divorced my H and started over with someone else? No. I have no doubt I'd still be dealing with the pain of having BEEN betrayed and I'd no longer have my best friend with me to comfort and assure me. I had some real serious doubts too that we would ever heal from my H's A. Read some posts over on the Divorced Forum. That's not an easy road either.

MySo, you and your H had planned and plotted out the perfect marriage and were on your way to accomplishing your dream. Life got in the way. Some serious stresses and your H made some poor choices. No one has the PERFECT marriage with no bumps in the road. You'll have more, hopefully NEVER this big again, but you can weather them TOGETHER. Remember, what our vows said..."For better or worse."

MySo, you BOTH have to pick yourselves up and make a conscious choice to recover and rebuild. Get counseling to help you both. Try to make new plans and goals and strive together to meet them. Surround yourselves with NEW memories.

You CAN do this!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for being honest and encouraging. You're right, if I leave, I know I will not be any better. I will not have him to hold me when I am upset. I know he sees the pain in my eyes daily and it is killing him. I am really trying to move forward. I never expected life to be this hard.

I guess it is just one day at a time.

Thank you for responding, Nerlycrzy; your words have really spoken to me tonight.

My So,

You're doing ok. All these feelings are normal. That's why they call this a rollercoaster,,,all the ups and downs in this experience. It takes time and alot of hard work to work through this.

Notice I say THROUGH this--not past it. Figure out what happened, WHY it happened and what you BOTH can do to prevent it from ever happening again. Don't try to push it under the rug cause it WILL come back to haunt you!!

Have you read any of the suggested books? During this healing time,,READ!!! Empower yourself! Get knowledgable about about affairs and relationships. I suggest "After the Affair" by Janis Spring and "Surviving an Affair" by Harley. Both great books that really explained what happened and allowed me to understand my feelings weren't crazy. Also gave me alot of perspective on my H's actions and solutions for our problems. Reading also made me feel as though I was doing something constructive to repair our relationship.

Keep posting MySo. Know that you are not alone and have lots of people cheering you on!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Listen, 2 months is a very SHORT time for recovery!!! A. recovery books say 2 YEARS for complete recover from affair, and that's one not involving an OC!

You still need to talk about it. Are you going through counseling? You can't just sweep this under the rug and pretend everything is like it used to be. Some couples set once/week a time to talk about the affair and marriage recovery. There's more info about this elsewhere.

If you've ever been through the death of a very close family member, it's a similar GRIEF PROCESS: denial, sadness, anger, negotiating, resolution. The first year, you're just devastated. "Anniversary" dates are hard. The second year, you're "better" but it's still on your mind. And even after "resolution" there can be "triggers" that remind you of your feelings of this event, but the feelings will pass faster.

Things can be more complex if you have visitation w/OC, but I'll leave that for another day.

On the other hand, giving up on your marriage will not give you resolution faster. It's still a traumatic event, and if you have children with this man, you'll always have contact and ties. The books say whatever you relationship problems you have in this one will continue in the next one if you don't resolve them (at least define them). Best to give marriage the very best shot you can, than give up and wonder what might have happened. But you MUST ADDRESS the issues that helped make the affair possible! Okay?

I hope that made some sense. I'm distracted as I type this, but would like to encourage you. It's been 7y since my DH's affair, and I'm glad I stayed. I'll never be glad it happened(!!), but our marriage is strong and my life is good. In the long run, the affair hurt my H more than I.

Keep posting and I'd be happy to chat. Please don't base life on your feelings today--you're still burnt and hurting. HUUUGS.

God be with you,

"Jenny"
married almost 19y
3 kids
6y long distance from OC; 1y visitation

Thank you, Nerlycrzy and Jenny, for your support and words of encouragement. Besides my husband, my mom is the only person I have to talk to about this. She and my dad divorced when I was three due to an affair on her part so she is very understanding to both our feelings.

We have discussed counseling, but have not decided, yet. Sometimes I think my H is willing to go, other times he justs wants everything to go away. Jenny, when you said the affair hurt your H more than it hurt you, I feel the same way. My H never imagined this would happen. In high school and throughout college he never gave other girls a moment of attention. He taught a teenage boys bible study where - being boys - they mostly asked about sex. He taught them how you can resist temptation and God will bless you. He has always treated my like a princess and would do anything for me. Now he can not believe he let this happen. Then for a child to be conceived. There was a time frame of about 1 week when he thought she might be pregnant. He began trying to figure out how he would tell me, his family, and the people he works with. He was willing to uncover everything for the child. The OW had a doctors appointment and told him she was not pregnant. When he said how relieved he was and that now they can both move on, she confessed to having an abortion. It broke his heart because he loves children so much. He still struggles with the grief of losing a child. He feels like he messed up one time and everything that could happen, happened.

I think he is so ashamed of what happened that he does not want to tell this story to anyone. He wishes everything would go away. We read the bible together everynight and pray. We know God is the great Counselor and he is truly the only one who can heal our hearts.

We had a good marriage. Life kept throwing us curve balls but we were working through them. I know at times I was too demanding with time - I wanted us to do something together all the time. He likes to have some alone time and I have never understood that. I thought he just did not want to be around me so I would get upset. I am working on that - letting him have some space. I always wanted to go to sleep together and enjoy some good pillow talk. Since the revelation of all that transpired, he has gone to sleep with me everynight and it has been wonderful.

We are both working on us - but when we look at each other we see pain and doubt that this will really work. We feel like our life is on pause. We do not have children and sometimes I think - God wants us to have a strong, healthy marriage before we start a family. But then Satan rushes in and says - Hey, no kids, easier to bail out and start over.

Thank you so much for responding. Your words are such a blessing to me. I feel like I am not alone in this. Please pray that my husband will warm up to the idea of counseling. Besides an affair, he also has an abortion to work through.

May God continue to bless both your marriages. Your stories give me hope.

MySoCalledLife, I can really sympathize with what you've been going through. I pray that you and your husband can work through this difficult time. You are right, God does want you to have a strong healthy marriage before you start a family. Just remember that you MAY be safer with a man who has learned his own potential for weakness, than a man who says "I would never do that to you." ANYONE who allows weak boundaries to fence in their marriage can fall prey to an affair. The best thing you can do now if figure out the ways your marriage was weak and fix them. I not only would recommend the two books that NerlyCrazy recommended, but add "His Needs, Her Needs" to that list. We have been counseling w/ Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers since March, and I recommend that highly as well. We went from me filing for divorce after a relapse where OW got pregnant, to reconciling in a matter of weeks. No miracle cures, but close.
Also, as your husband works through the pain of the abortion decision his OW made... can he believe her? My H's OW claimed she was pregnant anytime he threatened to go back to me, then would claim to have miscarried when he would start to waffle again. At one point, she claimed she was pregnant with triplets. Then she said she miscarried. Then she said really she only lost two of the babies, but one was still okay. When none of that worked, she claimed she had cancer and kept up that facade for months before admitting it was a lie. I would hate for your husband to be dealing with this loss, only to find out it was all a lie by the OW. When I told my H he should insist on seeing dr. paperwork, she made some up to give him. With this final pregnancy, he SAW her take the test, and went to early dr. appts. with her, including an ultrasound, and even then when he left her once & for all, she rushed herself to the ER and had someone call him. He rushed over, and she was of course, much much better once he got there. That was the last he's seen her. I called her in the hospital last weekend (!) and found out she had delivered the baby. No other contact so far though. She had a daughter, and we have two of our own, so this is very hard for all of us. She is married also, and we do not know what she plans to do, or if my H will ever see the baby.
At any rate, healing is possible, but I recommend serious counseling with someone skilled at repairing these fractures. You have every right to insist on counseling, without it things will be even harder and take even longer.

Hon, see if you can find a Christian counselor for him to go to that would understand his feelings of guilt and shame in light of his religious beliefs. Also, there is a program for abortion recovery (mostly women but sometimes men recovery too) called Project Rachael or http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/. It's run by Catholics but open to and respectful of everyone; I've heard great things about it. I once found a website for a counselor who has a specialty in male abortion recovery--you might try internet search and see if his name comes up.

NTL had a great point that some women lie about or twist what happened too!

At any rate, PLEASE try to get counseling, even if just one of you go. As you hear, there's great things said about the MarriageBuilder counselors, and those are by PHONE! Maybe he'd prefer that??

God IS our BEST resource (IMO), but God also helps those who help themselves. He often speaks to us through others. There is wisdom to be gained from not re-inventing the wheel, and for letting go of our egos enough to accept help. Ego, I've read, is the root of all sins.

Would your DH read any affair recovery book(s), maybe with you?? We esp. liked After the Affair by Janis Abram Spring. Dr. Harley books great too.

Congradulations on making it this far! Despair is a tool of the devil--YOU are doing GREAT!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Blessings,
J.

I purchased His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. We are both reading through these together, but not as regularly as we should. I get discouraged when I read Surviving an Affair because it points out that I was at fault also. That is so hard for me to take. It's like - how was I so blind to what was happening. Sometimes I feel like I am trying to fix something that I did not even know was broken.

Concerning the OW - I think my husband believes everything she has said. After "it" happened, my husband began to get the strange feeling she might be pregnant. He asked her about it and she denied it. He bought her a pregnancy tests and left it hanging on her doorknob in a bag. Not too long after, she called him and said he could come over. He saw the pregnancy test - positive. She told him she has some kind of female problem that messes up pregnancy test so she made a doctor's appointment. He waited for three days when she emailed him saying she was not pregnant. After he told her how relieved he was, she confessed to having an abortion. She must have stayed home from work and my H offered to pick up her antibiotics. The last time he went to her home was to take her the medicine. He said while she was out of the room he looked through her checkbook and saw a check for a large sum written to a doctor's office. Since they work in the same building, it is obvious that she is not pregnant.

We went to church Sunday morning and the sermon was over how to make old relationships new - perfect! I felt very positive all day but my husband was very quite and indiffernt. It is like when I am feeling - Hey we can make it - he is thinking - maybe me should just let go. It is a vicious cycle we go through. When we went to bed I asked him what was on his mind and he said nothing. So then it became my turn to think - maybe we can not do this. I woke up around 3:30 this morning tossing and turning. I finally got in the showere and cried my eyes out. He must of heard me because he came to check on me. He always asks me - what can I do better? I wish I knew.

I know that I bring more pain on myself because I make myself relive and remember everything. Because we were the only ones we had ever touched, kissed, loved, I think - man, she must be an amazing woman. He must really love her. He tells me that while he was sitting at her house talking he remembers thinking - this is wrong, I should go. As he leaned to get up, she kissed him. That's all it took for my husband to stray? A woman who gave him a little attention and a kiss. She must be a great! And I must mean so little to him. I know this thoughts and feelings must go, but it is so hard. He is so different know. He tells me his heart feels empty. He says that he loves me, but when we are aprt, he does not miss me. He says he sometimes does not look forward to coming home and having to face our life. I take these statements and turn them into - he does not really love me. If he did - he would fight for me right? He would want me to stay, right? I know the books say the WS will not feel much of anything for a while and the BS must try to meet their needs regardless. It's like, we were both hurt, but I better straighten up if this marriage is going to work. He will come around one day.

Oh, I know I have rattled on and on, but it is so good to vent sometimes. Thank you for "listening" and responding. Your words are really helpful.

My spirit is breaking - please pray for stength as I am praying for you also.

MSCL, whew, it's so hard some days isn't it? Just remember what Jenny said - despair (and hurt, and hopelessness) are tools of the devil. God wants you to show His love to each other and to heal you and your marriage. He can bring comfort, peace, healing, strenth, wisdom, clarity, and joy to your lives again. When I was going through the WORST of my ick last June 04, my friend bought me "Streams In the Desert" at a Christian bookstore - it's a daily devotional that focuses on how God uses suffering to develop our relationship with Him, to teach us to sympathize with others, and the book just offered me immeasurable peace, hope, and really helped center me at a very very hard time. I know it's hard to find time to read, but this is just a daily devotional type book, and I'm telling you, some of the days just mean so much to me even now. I just cannot recommend it highly enough to help you get through such a difficult time as this and turn to God who loves you.

Also, if your husband waffles on the fence (because he DOES still work in the bldg with this OW, and my DH had a major major relapse with OW after we reconciled the first time) I would highly recommend also Dr. Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" and a book called "When the One You Love Wants to Leave" and another called "Hope for the Separated." I know you aren't at that position right now, but they kind of teach you Plan A/Plan B stuff in other ways, which is helpful because I needed to get my hands on as much as I could to help me know what to do at the time when my WH didn't know what he wanted to do.

It's hard to feel she must be so great, but you know, we all have weaknesses, and we can all be tempted if we don't have the PROPER BOUNDARIES. For example, WHY was he "sitting at her house talking"????????????????????????????????????????????????
This is the TYPE of boundary that my DH & I have learned to take VERY SERIOUSLY. No coffees, no lunches, no nothing with members of the opposite sex alone. "Sitting at her house???????" NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!!! "Surviving an Affair" will walk you all through those boundaries that NEED so desperately to be there! Yes my DH works with women, and I work with men, but we have learned by tough experience that no woman should be crying on his shoulder about her personal life, and I fortunately learned before I was ever tempted to stray that I shouldn't be crying on other men's shoulders either. Learning to be very aware of love bank deposits and guarding your heart is critical to this not happening again.
We had another session w/ Dr. Chalmers again last night and she recognized right away that we are moving from intimacy stage to conflict stage, she gets right in there and intervenes to put things back on track by giving us strong advice about what to DO to fix those icky feelings. She is so encouraging, I just know your husband would love working with her. She is just great. She focuses on what you can DO to fix things, not who said and did what to who and who feels bad about what... WHAT can we DO to FIX it????

Your H straying doesn't mean he doesn't love you. But when we let other people deposit in our love banks, those feelings get triggered and it gets hard to manage. She was great... at making him feel great. It's an illusion for the most part, fantasy. As my H said last night, "Any woman who was really such a great woman for me would never get involved with a married man." YES YES YES!!!

Please please please look into the Streams in the Desert book. Now my DH & I read it in the mornings together.

One night when we were separated I prayed "God, what if he can never make it right with me? How can he ever be accountable enough for what he did?" And you know what? I woke up in the morning, looked in the mirror and God said (well, not literally but you know) "It's not about you. If he gets alright with ME, he will be alright with you." Meaning, if he repents and asks God's forgiveness and lives in a way that shows he meant it, I won't have anything to worry about. That was the day that I realized that this life isn't about me and my husband. It's about me and God, and him & God. Our marriage exists to bring each other closer to God, and to teach our children about God.

Well, anyway, talk about rambling... keep us posted, I worry about you. Are you plugged in at your church? You guys need counseling and support to get through this. This board is great, good experienced advice and encouragement, but not a substitute for counseling.

NTL,

Thank you for responding and being so honest with me. I read the posts everyday and admire those who have shown so much strength through such a difficult situation. Thank you for recommending the devotional, I am ordering it today. My husband and I are reading a couples devotional together everynight and it is has been such a blessing. It is like when we sit down to read the scriptures, they have so much meaning to us - now more than ever.

Even before we were married, my husband and I knew we were complete opposites when it came to sleep. I like to go to bed early and get up early - I need almost 8 full hours of sleep. My H can go to bed after midnight and be fine at work the next day. After we were married, I tried to stay up until 10 or so and then we could go to bed together. After about a year, he wanted to stay up later and study for some computer certifications. His job kept him very busy and he liked to do some of his work after hours. For a while we struggled with this situation. I would complain that I missed going to bed with him. He thought as long as he saw me after work and then "tucked" me in that should be sufficient. I went back and read my journal from the past years and was so shocked out how unhappy I was at those times. I did not remember feeling so alone. I would write him letters trying to explain my feelings, but he did not understand. When he was on the job market for a year and a half, I backed off some. He would spend lots of time at night looking online for jobs and worrying and praying and reading the bible. I tried to give him his space, but still let him know I believed in him and that God would provide for us.

In June 04, God answered our prayers - my H was offered a good job and three days later I had a job. I just knew once we were moved and he had a regular work schedule, he would want to go to bed at a decent hour. That happened for a few weeks and then he would just "have to" go to Wal-mart for something or "have to" wash his truck. I would fuss a little, but that only made it worse. Besides, I benefitted from his late night shopping trips. He offered to buy the groceries or whatever else I needed. Each morning was like Christmas - he would have little presents left out for me in the kitchen. So I decided to just let him be. One day he would come back to bed. I stopped arguing and said I was fine - I would just read until I feel asleep.

Before we were married, my husband smoked. I never knew it because he never smelled like smoke and I never saw him smoke. We even discussed what a bad habit it was. After we were married he confessed to still smoking, but was trying to quit. I was supposed to be his helper. Just check in to see how he was doing every now and then. After he got his knew job and we moved, he began to smoke more than ever and kept it from me. I had thought he had stopped. So all his little late night trips were so he could sneak out and smoke.

So, now, to reply to your statement as "Why was he at her house?" I think he got so used to leaving me everynight, he just went to her house and I was none the wiser. I trusted him completely.

He has said, under his breath, "this was just suppossed to be one time. He told this woman all about us. How we had never been with any one else. How we had only dated each other. He took what I thought was so special and convinced himself that he was missing out on something. I guess in some very weird way, he felt he had a problem - only one woman - and she offered to help him fix that. But the Lord intervened and a child was made.

I want to believe that GOd wants us to be OK, but sometimes it is so hard, so much has changed. I get upset and ask God why this had to happen to me, to my life. He tells me - "It is not your life, everything you have is becuase of me."

During the time this whole thing began, I had gone to the doctor - we were going to start having kids this summer. It is like just when I thought everything in life was perfect - we had wonderful jobs, a beautiful home, all our parents were (and still are) healthy, and we were ready to have babies - our world came crashing dowm. The only one we can turn to now is God.

Thank you, NTL, you and your husband are in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your story with me. It helps to know I am not the only who feels the way I do. The books help, but it means more from a real person.

MSCL, wow, isn't it amazing how universal some of this stuff is? As my H says now, "Secrets are lies." Radical honesty is what is called for in situations after adultery (and before, really, but it never seems to be used then.) Even something as seemingly innocuous as smoking created distance between you and your H, and the dishonesty spiraled... my DH, as you can see from my signature line, had brief brief affairs during our engagment period and after we were married that he hid from me until this last big whopper of an affair. When we were first married, I said to him, "Well if you ever cheat on me, you better just keep it to yourself. That's your burden to bear." Of course I never thought he would cheat on me, AND I CERTAINLY didn't know he already had cheated on me. But after I said that he knew for sure he better just keep it to himself. And those secrets really eat like a cancer. Now we are completely open, about money, our time, our emails, our calls... he reads all of this online. You can go back into the archives if you ever want, back to like December 04, January 05, Feb. 05 - he was Lost71 and started posting here. I knew he was posting, but didn't come out of my closet until a little later (thus my name NotTooLost).

Anyway, it sounds like on one hand, you really thought you had it all and things were going great. So did I, good jobs, nice house, 2 cars, 2 kids, dog, extended families, Disney vacations, the whole bit. I mean, not perfect, too much debt and some anger-management stuff, but I thought if things just kept going the way they were I was happy. The biggest problems I had were all the stuff I had bought (and my family) and paying for all the stuff we bought. Simple stuff.
Then the affair, and I realized over the summer 2004 that things hadn't been so perfect. We had developed a very "parental" and co-dependent relationship. My DH had suffered from alcoholism issues in 1997-98, and there was residual resentment there. I was parental toward him and resented it, he felt disrespected and unappreciated and then withdrew. I ran the show, and felt like a single parent, and he came along for the ride which undermined his role as the leader of the family. There were a thousand little ways that our dynamic played out in our daily lives. We didn't fight a lot or anything like that, but he started to become depressed, and I felt helpless. He began taking anti-depressants, and within a month was in a full-blown affair with his "boss" who had been lurking like a shark for over 2 years, unhappy in her own marriage, and needing a friend and someone to take care of her. My DH to the rescue. Never mind who would take care of me. After all those years of the Parental Relationship, I don't think my DH figured I needed him.

It's a very long story, but I can assure you that after our first separation, the Holy Spirit just crashed down on him and he went from being in the Bahamas on vacation with OW to calling and asking to come home THAT NIGHT. In hindsight, we should probably have moved slower, but that's what we did. Unfortunately, fear kept us from him quitting his job with OW, and w/in 2 mos. the relapse was starting.

Anyway, is your H sorry? Has he been VERY honest, radically honest, with you about everything? Not details of things you DON'T want to know about, but really trying to unravel HOW he let this happen to you, him, and your marriage? Has he suffered from any other types of addictions other than smoking and the affair (yes, affairs are addictive behavior - making bad choices because they make us "FEEL GOOD" defines addiction) - like money, gambling, pornography, drinking, drugs...? Because an addictive component to someone's personality often spread across these areas, and is driven by the same emotional void. I always felt like the addictions were like a balloon, you could squeeze one part of it but it just made the other parts bulge out all the more. As my friend whose DH has been through all this said, "It is a balloon. You just need to POP IT."
A good visual I thought.

You, and especially your H I think, need to really pick apart your statement of "I think he got so used to leaving me everynight, he just went to her house and I was none the wiser." Boy, do I know what it is to trust completely. I feel like I got so duped. It makes me feel even today like I could be living in a parallel universe where really nothing is the truth and everything is a big lie. It's a struggle.
But what I mean is that maybe you need to know more than "I think" - these are the events here that almost ruined your marraige - I believe he needs to admit, and you need to know, when he was going, how often, what he did there (especially at the outset when it seemed more innocent), and most of all WHY did he go there? And WHY didn't you know?

Are you sure it's over with OW? I ask because if you aren't SURE, it makes it hard to trust and heal, and especially makes it hard to meet his emotional needs, which in turn makes it hard for him to meet yours.

God does require us to forgive. And God also allows us to divorce in the case of adultery. However, in my reading I came to also believe that God gives us that latitude when there is NOT repentence on the part of the WH. I had a much harder time with divorce once he was really trying to make amends. Now, in order for me to believe that I told him that he had to (1) Quit his job (2) Never see the OW again, end it completely and (3) Not have a relationship with the OC (too destablizing to our relationship and our family I believe). He did not do these 3 things for months. Then one day I realized that he was asking to reconcile, start counseling and had done all 3 things. That's when I started to take him seriously, and I had become rather resolved to the idea of divorce at that point, but I told God that if he wanted me to take my H back, he would have to turn my heart around. Which he did do. Fast. God can move really slow. He usually does. But He can move really really fast too. I've see that firsthand too.

I also wondered, why did God let this happen to my life? You're right, God gives us all we have. When you get your Streams book, read August 14 for me. And July 19. That will give you a taste of some of the answers that are to be found in this little book. I'm just so glad you ordered it!!! I hope it comes fast!!! I would read July 19 and just cry. But it's kind of a good cry. You're gonna be crying sometimes anyway, might as well be a good cry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Now I can't even sing hymns in church without my Kleenex. I've had to just get over being the one sniffling my way through the songs, tears streaming down every Sunday no matter how much I thought I wouldn't. I just get overwhelmed by the emotions of the pain & God's peace, the suffering & God's comfort, the hurt and God's love. The way He allowed in to my life the absolute maximum of what I could handle without going insane, but then how He just carried me around once it started. See, I'm getting all choked up just thinking about it. He loves you, He loves you, He loves you. Refiner's fire. It sucks, but there it is.

I know this post is really disjointed, I'm tired and it's getting late. You and your husband are in my thoughts & prayers also. Feels like a Friday. Not yet....

Does your H really not want to do any counseling? Why?

NTL,

Thank you for responding to my posts. I really appreciate having some one to talk to who understands what I am feeling right now. It is encouraging to see a couple, who is dealing with some of the same issues, and is making it work.

I have questioned my husband so many times concerning what all went on, that I know he is tired of reliving it. His answer to the "Why" it happened is Satan's temptation. He began to feel like it was not right that he had only kissed one girl, touched one girl. Somehow, he began a friendship with a girl at his office and he opened up to her about his life. He says he told her how we had only been with each other and that he could never do anything to hurt me. He has not said it in so many words but I say - he felt he had a problem (only been with one girl - me), let this woman know about his problem, and she offered to help fix his problem. He says he has only been to her house 3 times. The first was the night it happened. It happened once and only once. They never went anywhere together, never "dated." Just email. The second time was probably a month or so later when she called to let him know she was pregnant. He said he did not even touch her. The third time was after she had the abortion. He dropped of some medicine for her. If you knew my husband, you would know what a kind and loving spirit he has. He loves everyone and does not like to cause anyone pain. He feels guilty for not only hurting us, but for putting another person in a situation where they felt they had to have an abortion.

My heart seems to get harder towards him everyday. I truly love him more than anything, but I am so scared I will not be able to let this go. While I know the affair was not my fault, I can not help but feel that if I had been a better wife, friend, lover, he would not have felt the need to look elsewhere. I tell myself he does not really want to be with me, he just does not want to be the one to leave.

I broke down this morning and told he I knew he did not want to be married to me anymore so why don't we just call it quits. He loves his job - or he loves the challenge of working and making lots of money so much. He loves playing golf and being able to do his own thing. I feel he truly would be better if he did not have me to worry about or to take care of. But when I say these things he will not agree and say yes, I feel we should move on, nor does he say No, I love you and do not want to lose you. He just sits there. Then a few hours later, when I was feeling better, he asked me what I was thinking. I told him I was thinking about what I needed to do to be a better wife for you. Then he said - You confuse me, one minute you're leaving and now you're trying to stay. I take that as why should I try, he would rather me just go and be done with it.

We talk about conseling and he says he would go if he thought it would help any - if he thought I was working on staying instead of leaving. I also think he is so ashamed of what happened he does not want to tell this story to anyone.

I am so confused right now. I truly do not know what I should do. I don't want to lose my husband, but I am tired of not feeling wanted and protected by the one who vowed to do so forever.

My prayers are with you and all those suffering through this pain daily.

MSCL,
Boy have we been down your road!!!
I tell my H about my feelings and are you happy to be here with me, and don't you still have feelings for her, and this is so hard and ALL I'm usually looking for is those comforting words of I love you, I'm glad I'm here, I want to be with you, and I'm happy with you here. But instead my feelings bring out his guilt and regret and make him feel like I'M not happy and instead of being comforting he spirals into feeling depressed and down about everything. We just talked about this co-dependent dynamic last week.

Certainly you worry me that you are so concerned with his feelings. In ways that is great that you want to meet his needs, but in other ways it worries me that you haven't maybe gone thru all of your anger yet about this happening to you. You want to help him, but is he owning what he has done? There is a spiritual brokenness that comes from owning it. And surrender to God. The realization that we cannot fix these things without God.

I worried a little last night when I read your posts from early on, (see, someone's worrying about you on a Saturday night!) that when you bring up the A, your H goes right into his grief over the abortion and the loss of this baby. As my H says, that is deflection. Be careful of the ways that manipulation happens, as Dr. Phil says we get a payoff from what we do. You bring up the affair and your pain, he brings up the abortion and his pain, and boom - he doesn't have to talk about your pain anymore and his ownership of it because you now feel bad for him and bringing it up. THAT'S effective... but won't help you guys heal. I'm not trying to stir up troubled feelings, I just worry if he's doing that.?

My H's quote on your second paragraph? "Seems improbable, not impossible." MAYBE he's telling the truth. At this point the details of that aren't what probably needs to be dealt with, but eventually he would need to come completely clean if he's not being honest. There's the possibility he's telling the truth. There's the possibility he is feeling the waters by telling part of the truth, and he sees how much pain it caused and now he wants to minimize it and make it go away. I swear I don't bring this up to cause questions and pain and suspicion, but because (in the words of Dr Phil again) he can't change what he doesn't acknowledge. If he lied about the smoking and was making all these late night trips of freedom, who knows? He needs to be radically honest and forthcoming about secrets before you guys can move on. I'm not saying he's lying, but affairs tend to have more of a grip than he's admitting to.

Separate thing, do you golf? You can read evidence here of people where affairs began with Recreational Companionship needs being met elsewhere. I know this may be a thing he does with the guys, but look for ways that the two of you can find some FUN things to do together, some new ways to spend time together doing things you enjoy that don't revolve around the affair.

You say your H doesn't want to tell this story to anyone. If you think he would talk to a complete stranger who's been there, my H is willing to email or talk to him. This is one of the things that happened for us in the middle of our mess; a woman at church who had been through the BW drill talked to me, and offered for her FWH to talk to my WH which they did. It took some time but was very helpful. As far as counseling, it would help if you find the right counselor - it seems to me that you are working on staying instead of leaving or you wouldn't be here. You would just get a lawyer and file for D. You haven't done that. Does he know you post here? Sounds like you guys have very separate lives, which we did too. There are ways you can rebuild the intimacy, but if he's trying to hang on to his freedom it would be hard. Is he accountable for his time now, or does he still come & go at all hours of the night? Do you have access to his cell phone calls (received and placed), his emails, is he "an open book" about his time? You are so trusting like me, just wondering about that.

I'm concerned about your statement "He feels guilty for not only hurting us, but for putting another person in a situation where they felt they had to have an abortion." First of all, the OW put herself in that situation. I don't believe the story about all the birth control. SHE had to know the risk of getting pg, and don't ever be so sure that she didn't want to be! She obviously has strong feelings for your H, don't think this was just charity. The second thing is that I'm worried about his protective feelings toward OW. His sympathy for her. Shows emotional attachment. My H had a huge "rescuer complex" toward the OW, and when I thought it was all over, and we were back together there was an email he sent to me where he said "I don't know why you can't just leave (OW) alone." because I was thinking about calling her office to see if she was really there when he was away on a business trip alone. Well, guess what, he wasn't alone I found out months later. She was with him. But that little word "just" stuck out to me like a sore thumb at the time. Why can't you JUST leave her alone. See? Protective. Not right.

So you're worried he doesn't want to be with you he just doesn't want to be the one to leave. He's worried YOU want to leave. That's why a lot of marriage counselor's first question to you each is "How committed are you to fixing this marraige?" Because you've got to get that out there first, honestly. If you are both 100% committed, or one of you is 50% committed, etc it's good to know that up front.

Your heart seems to get harder towards him everyday... that's because you don't feel heard yet. That's my experience anyway. Do you have evidence that he doesn't want to be with you and work on the M?

He said he would go to counseling under the right circumstances? I think that's fabulous. Take him up on it!!!!!!!!

You don't feel wanted & protected by him because he isn't meeting your needs. I promise you that Dr. Harley or Dr. Chalmers can turn that around really fast. She did for us. You just call Marriage Builders 800 number on this site and schedule an appt. It costs $185 for an hour, but it doesn't sound like money is a problem for you guys and I would just really really encourage you to give it a try. I recommend Dr. Chalmers just because there are good & bad counselors out there, and she is more of a coach focusing on what you can DO to turn these icky feelings around. If you're both wanting to save the M you'll get some homework which will bring you so much closer.

You both can spend the next month or two hashing and rehashing the affair and your feelings and who wants to stay and who wants to go, and crying and feeling awful and up all night before work into the wee hours - Satan loves all of that. Satan loves 2am when everyone's tired and emotionally spent. he can make the conversation seem constructive at 2am when it's so destructive! As my H just said "if you can't make love bank deposits with your words, don't talk at all." If you don't get into some good counseling, you can have a lot of that ahead of you.

Or you can spend the next month or two learning about each other's emotional needs, love banks, how to fill them and start to heal. Just click the Counseling Center tab at the bottom of this web page. I feel like I'm working a pledge drive or something - "Donate to Katrina Relief" but I just HATE to see you guys in all this pain when I KNOW who can fix it for you!!!!!!! My relatives all said "Phone Counseling?" just like all my friends said "You're posting on the INTERNET to strangers?" but we're normal, educated people who went through a lot of crud. And the phone counseling has been awesome and more productive than the IC we each did, the MC with our pastor. Those were great too, but if you want to know what to DO to fix this and turn it around FAST I recommend the phone counseling highly.