FWS is leaving on a month long trip overseas which we did not discuss or jointly agree. His independent behavior is a big LB to me. He leaves on Tuesday and I cannot bring myself to be close to him. I feel as if I've gone into Plan B in my mind.

I have let him know how that I am struggling with him being gone because I think it is counterproductive to us rebuilding our M. I have also asked him to alter his plans, but he justified his behavior by saying he enjoys being gone and I should go with him rather than negiotiate. I still work and cannot take that amount of time off. H is retired and I will retire in four months...I asked H to hold off on travel to no avail.

We have been in recovery for 1 year. MB is great...we attended the seminar and coach with SH...if it were not for MB and esp. SH....I would be long gone into D. But FWS is like a rebellious teen who "knows better" and does not do assignments so alot of the teachings go on deaf ears.

H is working a show this weekend and he wants me to attend...I am stalling and finding excuses to be with him. I know this is a reaction to his trip. I have tried to protect my feelings for months while he learned MB so slowly and I was afraid of falling back in love with him so that he could hurt me again. I just feel like crying whenever I see him or have to talk with him.

I could use a little support and any advice today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> thank you so much......

SureSurvivor,

Perhaps the most forceful thing that you can do is....nothing. Quit being the one that is "working" to save the M. If he takes it casually, your counter is "what M". Sometimes it is just best to push back, let out the belt and pretend you are helping lift that pool table , but you aren't.

Thanks, Cy.....I have been feeling crummy all day...even when out with H to a friends celebration....came home, turned on computer and read your post. I laughed out loud...and you turned it around for me....you gave me permission to not try so hard and in turn raise my expectation....set myself up for disappointment.

I hate that H does not get we are a team and insist on his independent behavior and leave me to be disconnected from him...very pre-A behavior that lead us to the A. Sigh.......it is all such a shame.

Anyway...thanks for your post and the out loud "yuk." Blessings to you...any more "sightings?"

I think a lot of times, when we push hard, the other spouse pushes back... Maybe not necessarily out of 'rebellion' but more like a pendulum, when it swings hard one way, it has to swing back just as hard the other way. A happy medium has to be found to keep it in balance...

Yep, that definitely sounds like something I'd say at 3am..

What I meant to say was, I agree with Cymanca, let up a little bit. It doesn't seem like there is anything you can do to change his mind anyway. You've fought extremely hard so far.

Keep your chin up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey TTSi....you are up late....hey look at the time...so am I....(one eye open)....

Thanks for the post....I appreciate your sage advice...it is early in the morning so I understand your early am meaning.

Truly I am really tired of being the one who tries so hard to save us....I am soooooooo tired and worn out...

Thanks for your post....you have helped me once again.

It is late...hope you get some rest...:D

Last night H and I had a "talk" about his trip...it did not go well in my opinion because my "giver" gave out. I tried to keep from LBing him, but we did not speak calmly or try to come to a mutual agreement. I talked about how the trip made me feel...unconnected to him and what was our plan to work on being happy together. I received babble. After which, he said he would not go, like a child and was waiting for my good ol' self-sacrificing giver to say..."go ahead and go." But my giver had left the building. He has all intentions of going. He stayed up packing, but said he "could not sleep." He was waiting for me to feel sorry for him....but then left to go golfing at the crack of dawn.

I am tired and fed up with this push pull system that we call a marriage. For the past several months, my ENs are fed scraps at a subsistence level. When I pull back...then he rushes forward to try to connect with every thing he can think of.

I just want to be connected with someone......I want to be in the same room...on the same page and not hurt anymore. I long to be in love. I have learned so much here and want what I have learned and my pain not to go to waste. Lately I think too much about D and starting over.

I am feeling lonely and sad.....I turn my feelings on and off.....I don't really remember the reason I married him and wonder why I stayed married. History is not enough for me. I really want to love and be in love. I could really use some MB insight and support today. Thanks for any help you can give.

Hello, SS. I am sorry you are in such a poopy place right now. Even as far into recovery as I am, I have the same thoughts some days that you are having now. Oftentimes, I feel the exact same as you! That I am doing all the "work" to improve the M, that H does what he wants without much regard to my feelings, etc.

Yesterday, I was very upset with him over a minor matter, and I was driving around letting off steam so I didn't LB him. I drove by the park where we got married. I started crying. When I told H, he said, "Crying from happiness?" And I said, "I don't know. I was crying, though." He wanted to hear that the memory of us getting M'd made me feel happy.

What it made me feel, was sad. Sad that what started out as so hopeful and promising, has gone through so much pain and suffering. That we have both hurt each other so badly over the years ~ mostly unintentional, but hurt nonetheless. My H said, "Well, I'm glad we have gone through everything we have, because it has helped us grow." I said, "I guess I wish we both weren't so stupid that that seems to be the only way we can learn." And we both laughed. He said, "Well, there is that."

Sometimes I think of starting over. But, who's to say there is a "better?" Maybe, you have your "better" already, you just haven't learned everything you are supposed to learn yet. AND, what I remind myself, is that I did choose to marry him. I chose to be right where I am, and instead of focusing my energy to thinking/wishing/hoping for "something better," I should turn all that energy around and focus it on me ~ how can I improve, how can I make the most out of my learning opportunities?

In all actuality, your H does have the "right" to choose this month-long vacation. If you choose recovery, you also cannot hold him in a prison of your insecurity. I know that sounds harsh, but I couldn't think of a better word. Your not-willing/able-to-trust-him. He is an adult, and he is allowed to make choices for himself, that make him happy ~ just as you are allowed the same thing. That you might choose to put his needs/wants/desires above your own (even when it seems he is not willing to do the same for you) is your choice.

There will be consequences for his actions, natural consequences. It will affect the way you feel toward him. He needs to be willing to accept THOSE natural consequences for the choices he makes. You have told him how you feel about it. I hope you have been using true "I feel" statements, instead of what they can sometimes disintigrate into.

I had a really hard time with this concept in MC. But it is true ~ when my H's actions "make" me mad/upset/angry, it is an issue that I have to deal with. Yesterday, I had to admit that I was hurt that my H didn't WANT to do everything that I wanted him to do. I was mad that I had to keep ASKING him to do stuff. Then I was even more MAD that he kept saying NO. Then, when I pressured him into doing what I wanted, he got MAD, and that made me feel REALLY mad. We are talking about "honey-do" projects around the house, BTW. Real important stuff!

I finally had to realize that H just does not like doing "honey-do" projects ~ even if they are important to me. He said yesterday, "If you would just ASK me, instead of pushing me, you would get a different response." I said, "I asked you for 3 weekends in a row, and you kept saying no." He said, "And that is my right." Oooooh, boy, did that set me off!!!

After I cooled down, we both apologized for acting like children. I for pushing him, and he for being mean about it. He once again said, "If you would just ASK . . . " And I said, "If I ask and you would ever say yes . . . "

And that is where we are. Hopefully, next time the sitch comes up again, we will handle it better than we did this last time. THAT, IMO, is marraige building. A marathon, not a sprint ~ a journey, not a destination.

Hang in there, sweetie. I have started reading "Passionate Marriage" by Schnarch (recommended by Pep). If you haven't read this book already, I highly recommend it. Perhaps it could be your goal to do before your H comes home from his trip.

Well, I'm off to do my morning run. I am in marathon training, you know. I ran a 1/2 marathon about 6 weeks ago. Craziness!!! I hope this post isn't too disjointed. I was trying to type and talk on the phone at the same time. Not my strong point.

Spidey

SS...thanks so much for your posting and reaching out. Your thoughts helped as they always do....You are the best. Really I think I would go crazy if it were not for wonderful people like you on MB.

You are right on about so many things in your post...we are still learning to work things out....our discussion did escalate because are not yet fully practiced in the MB process.... You help me to realize two important things about some progress that I made:

1) I talked about how I felt which before MB I would not have spoken up and handled in a passive aggressive way. Also H tried to manipulate the situation and pin it on me which I did not allow him to do. That's a new one for me--I use to take the rap and just not state how I felt.

2) He can chose his actions and now knowingly accept the consequences because I have told him honestly how it makes me feel. That is progress for me.

This could all be so easily resolved by him saying...can we talk about it? Can we negiotiate? But instead he has turned it into a power struggle.

I actually feel better right now because I vented and see that I did make progress....albeit in a bit of a clumsily fashion....but I guess that goes along with changing habits. I truly wish that both of us wanted to equally work on the M.

I have made plans for while he is gone....and I plan to workout alot! I owe a great deal of thanks to you. I hope you had a good run and do well on your marathon. Thanks again, Spidey, for your help. I feel calmer and centered and ready to face the day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hugs and blessings...the other ss

Finally...finally....FWS and I had a candid conversation (big EN fill for me) about how we each feel about this trip and alot of other things.......we are both conflict avoiders. He took me to lunch, another big EN fill for me.

He said that he is trying to figure out how to cut his trip short. He said that part of the reason that he does not want to be here in September is to avoid the show where he met OW. He said that show is like a "nightmare."

I am feeling better now....you guys helped me to stay calm and not LB him while I described how I felt. Thanks, guys and MB for helping me to take this step. Progress today!

FWS left for his trip this morning. We had one of those intense, but not LB conversations on the way to the airport. I told him that I felt good about trying to express how I felt rather than hold it in and then it came out in a white hot, "taker's" rush. I tried to tell him that we were a team and I felt hurt by him leaving. I feel like we are still recovering and his leaving felt like a setback.

I asked him to make sure with me his understanding of how I felt and he said..."you don't agree with my leaving and you will be lonely." Not exactly. I told him that I did not want to upset him, but I could not see any other way than to tell him directly and plainly....I feel shear pain by his leaving and not being together to fill EN's.

I did not want to LB him...it upsets him when I cry so I just said goodbye at the curbside. I ususally wait with him in the terminal, but I could feel myself breaking down. He gave me a big hug, but I could not bring myself to hug him back. He tried to give me a big kiss, but I felt numb. His independent behavior is LBing me big time. I feel myself shutting down emotionally.

He will try to call me, but I don't feel like picking up. It will hurt too much. I could use any suggestions or help with how to deal with this situation. Thanks for reading.

FWS called me during the first leg of his trip. He told me that he felt "guilty" all the way there although he said he did nothing wrong. I wished I had said...maybe your conscience is trying to tell you something. Is he kidding me? He said he felt his trip was not going so well. I don't wish him an ill-will, but I also cannot support him hurting me.

Are there any suggestions you might have on how I can cope with this situation? Something to say to him when he calls? How to act? How to tell him how hurt I am but not making myself a drain? I appreciate all the help I can get. Thanks...fellow MB'ers.