My wife and I have been married for just over 9 years now. We have 2 kids that are 10. We got married young, I was 22 and my wife was 20.
We have been happy for the last nine years. I spoil her to the point where her friends and even her parents give her a hard time about it. She recently started her own blog and begged me to not read it and I agreed. About a month ago she let me know that she didn't like me being around as much as I was during the day. I understood and agreed to not come home as much during my work day. Deep inside I felt like there had to be something more bothering her, and of course about the same time she left her blog page, which I previously wasn't even sure existed, on our web site history. I took a look and was quite suprised at what she was saying about me. She was making comments that she felt herself pulling away from me and that even though I did everything right, to her it was all wrong. I pushed the issue about me not coming home eluding that I felt there was something else. She continued to insist that it was only the one issue. We had several good discussions about it and I felt like things were getting better. Then last night, I checked her blog again and she questioned whether or not she was "in love" with me. She said she couldn't stand to be around me anymore. She didn't find me funny or cute anymore and that she was no longer attracted to me. She said that she couldn't leave even if she wanted to because she screwed herself by not going to college and that she couldn't do it to the kids. Needless to say, I have been sick to my stomach all day.
I guess my main question is can I say something since if I would have respected her privacy and not read her blog, I would not have known any of this? Any advice would be so greatly appreciated. Thank you

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LostHusband
Member


Reged: 03/12/01
Posts: 3067
Re: Desperate for advice! [Re: kbalca]
#2798110 - 08/27/05 01:46 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



Welcome to the site. Please take a moment to read throught the basic concepts of this site paying particular attention to the Basic Concepts and the Emotional Needs section. I'd recommend that you print out the Emotional Needs surveys and have you and your wife fill them out. While you may be wonderful, you may be missing filling one of her top emotional needs.

Another thing I would highly recommend is getting a book called "The Five Languages of Love". Read it and ask your wife to read it. Again, while you may be doing a lot of things right for a typical relationship, you may be simply speaking a different "love language" than your wife.

I would probably do all of this while not telling her about reading her blog... This is a great time to take initiative and seek a better more fulfilling relationship with your wife.

--------------------
Love,

Bill

Div '01
3 Daughters 15,13,10
Engaged Feb '05
Married FHL04 7/23/05
2 Step Daughters 6, 3

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kbalca
Junior Member


Reged: 08/27/05
Posts: 2
Re: Desperate for advice! [Re: LostHusband]
#2798147 - 08/27/05 03:46 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



The only problem with bringing up something like that, is she is acting like everything is fine. It would definitely throw up a big red flag if I showed up with a book and a questionaire. There is nothing more important to me than to make this all work out. I don't know if I should leave it alone for now and see if it either gets better or if she says something to me about it. I feel like the only options I have is to deal with it, or come clean about everything.

Hi - welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

Her words and actions sound like someone having an affair. Is there any possibility of that?

I don't think it is possible at all. She is a stay at home mom. As far as I know this came about during the summer while the kids were out of school. My only concern is if she is chatting/flirting with someone online.
Some of the other things I read was that she was having issue with the fact that she has never been with anyone else. She grew up in a religious family and I was the first person she dated. We met when she was 17, kids at 19, married at 20. She is turning 30 in Jan and made comments about never really being herself. She went from kid, to mom, to wife.

If you have read much of what the Harley's say, on-line cheating is here in a big way. Can you install a key-logger? Sorry, I know very little about computers, but there have been many at this site who were shocked by what was going on, on-line.

We even have some members whose spouse (after a long marriage), flew off to another city to meet someone they met on-line. It is completely crazy, but happens over and over.

The fact that she doesn't want you around during the day, is a big, red flag. Also it seems that she is rewriting history on her blog - again very common when an affair is going on, and the statement that she doesn't know if she loves you.............

Emotional affairs are sometimes worse than physical affairs. Since she married young, and has been a SAHM, she is ripe for this kind of thing.

It is not that she doesn't want me home during the day at all. I work from my car, and was coming home 3-4 times a day for sometimes an hour or more. She is much like her dad in the fact that she needs "alone" time. The kids go back to school on Monday, and I am wondering if that will make a difference in her.

I am very concerned about the online emotional affair. Coincidentally enough, we actually met each other online, which is why I have expressed concern to her on multiple occasions about a message board she posts on all the time. It was from that, she now has a separate email, (because she didn't want anyone to know our real one), and she started the blog. Her parents, who love me like their own son, have actually commented to her about being on boards so much.

Oh gosh, there are free ones that are down-loadable. Try posting a seperate thread, asking the folks here. There are tons of people who have used them, and got a HUGE surprise.

Sorry I'm not of much help.

kbalca,

I may be a little slow on the uptake , but why would she first tell you about her blog and then ask you to "respect" her privacy. This sounds like a conflict avoider sending telegrams about topics she does not want to discuss.

YOUR marriage is not owned soley by her version of "privacy"

Get this A exposed now. She can not emotionally handle realty. Your cooperation with her deires makes you an unwitting( and until now an unknowing) accomplice.

She told me about her blog because she said she didn't want to hide it from me. I am more computer saavy than she is, so she was afraid I would find it and be upset if she hadn't told me.

Is it normal to just completely not believe that she could be doing anything like that? I will get a key logger tomorrow and see what Monday, when she is home all alone brings. I just think it is unfathomable that something could be going on.

Most of us used to think like you do. I was completely stunned when I found out WH was having an affair. It was so out of character for him.

But check it out and see what you find. One warning, be prepared. I hope that you don't find anything. That would be the best outcome.

kbalca,

Giving you help when you make statemnets like:

Quote "I just think it is unfathomable that something could be going on"

makes it very tough. This is a very safe place for you to confront reality.

You wouldn't be here (or asking for a key logger)if you truly thought anything was "unfathomable".

Don't ask for honesty from your wife if you can not reciprocate here at MB.

There are some of the best people in the world here willing to help you but be warned their bs meters are VERY well calibrated..

I know you are frightened beyond belief with your situation. Vocalizing or writing about your problem really doesn't make it more or less true.

Best of luck

When I made that statement, it was completely honest. When I came here I was looking for advice. Until it was mentioned in a response, I had not given thought to her having an online affair. I guess it still boils down to the original question, should I say something to her about what I read in her blog and try to air out this situation? It just really makes me sick to read what I have and to see her acting like everything is fine. I honestly don't know how long I can deal with this. I just want to say something to her about so we can try to work through it.

Hi, kbalca.

While you are getting your keylogger setup, please buy two books and read them openly in front of your wife. Buy the books today if possible.

"His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley
and
"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass

God bless,
Gimble

Got the keylogger setup and am hoping more than I can say that it finds absolutely nothing. I noticed on the Yahoo search that she was looking up lyrics to songs such as "Other Woman" by Ray Parker, "Love Hurts" by Nazareth, and "Breathe Me" by Sia. I am going to talk to her about this after reading through the lyrics of the first two songs. I just need to keep my cool and not blow up and tell her everything I know.

You are right, stay calm and bide your time. Once she knows you are suspicious, she may hide things better.

Don't question everything she does. Just watch. BS have to learn patience. Lots of patience. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

U can get the book His Needs/Her Needs without causing too much of a fuss. Let her know that you heard about a book to learn how to improve communication with one's spouse. Hm..... leave the book lying around, then watch her actions. Make sure you read it also.

That's for starters, ok? Need to get you to plan A. You seem like a nice and helpful H but we need to spiff you up a bit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

BTW, the girls here are giving you great advice but also pay attention to posters like Cymanca, he is a BS H who knows his stuff and can give you H type of pointers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Thank you all so much for the support. I asked her about the songs, and there actually was a legitimate reason for it. I I still think there is nothing going on, I just don't know if I should disclose to her that I have read her blog.

Don't do anything until you have checked out what you find out tomorrow.

I really hope there is nothing, but I have a bad feeling about this.

I'm glad that you are sticking around. There are a lot of folks who check in here, and are afraid to investigate further.

Hi Orchid.

Quote:
==============================
U can get the book His Needs/Her Needs without causing too much of a fuss
==============================

The reason I suggested "Not Just Friends" was because if there is something inappropriate going on, it will generate a flurry of activity for his keylogger to catch as she realizes that he has suspicions. Men are notoriously difficult to convince that their spouse is having an affair. They are usually, the last to know.

"His Needs, Her Needs" indicates that he is already looking toward fixing the marriage.

Tactics.

All the best,
Gimble