having trouble figuring out to post here hopefully this is it. looking for answers hoping someone can help me. so peeps really survive affairs. h cheated after 11 years terrified it will happen agin or is still going on. have moved back into house after 2 an half month separation. petrified here that i will not know what is goin on . please someone give me advice on how to handle this . thanks in advance

Purchase and read "Surviving an Affair". It's a book by Dr. Willard Harley, founder of this site. It will give you a look at the dynamics of an affair and how marriages become vulnerable. This is your first step, and right now, the most important step.

Start at the home page and read all you can here about this program, and read some of the threads on this forum. The more you know about this program, the better prepared you wiil be to employ it, and the better your results will be.

Sorry you have a need to be here, but its a great place to start surviving an affair.

You may want to post on the General Questions II forum, as it is busier than this one. The weekends are typically slow, but during the week you'll normally get several responses.

Best wishes,
SD

First, welcome to marriage builders. I am sorry you have found yourself here, but this place has saved my marriage more than once. Second, you should know that things really slow down on the weekends and at night...so replies could be slow. Also, to get more experienced advice, post on the general questions board.

Now, about your post. I am glad that you are home. Couples that separate have the hardest time recovering, being at home with help you and your H recover better.

Also, read as much as you can on this site. Not just the message boards( although you wil find a wealth of information here from both sides) but all the articles and everything else. You may also want to buy some surviving affairs books. Of course the people on here push the Harley's book, but there are many other good ones out there. One that really helped me was "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, and "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahams Spring. Both helped me see what my H might have been thinking and things I might have done to encourage it, and also, things to help me move past it.

All of us here have the same fears you have, and only you can decide if he can be trusted. Many of the stories you hear here will match yours precisely. It will amaze you the "script" that WS follow. You need to make sure that your H's actions are now an open book. He should "report" to you on all he does and any email accounts/passwords he has. He needs to let you look at the phone bill, and history on the computer( install a keylogger if he refuses these things). He needs to prove to you that there is NO CONTACT..and maybe even send a no contact letter if there still is. He needs to tell you whatever you want to know about the details of the affair...no matter what. But, be careful, somethings you might find out and wish you hadn't. As for me, I know every single detail that I can.

Hope this helps alittle.


Again, read, read, read, and post on here as much as you need to....it REALLY helps.

I wish you the best.

True

thanks so much for the info. everyday is a new day at this point. my h still works with the other w which makes it hard for me. im trying to be stronger but still feel so much anger that this could happen to us. i will read all info i can get my hands on . thanks agin an good luck to u also

Sorry, but he can't work with the OW. That needs to change. As long as they are working together, recovery will be impossible.

Let him know that you need the safety of them not working together. He needs to find another job. Don't let this go on and on.