My w/h o/w works at the same facility that my mother-in-law lives at. My husband doesn't want to move her because he knows that her condition is so bad that she will have to go into a skilled nursing facility instead of the assisted living place where she is at. He has agreed not to go when o/w is working. The problem is, I go to visit my mother-in-law and I have to look at the o/w and I hate it. I hate her. My husband and I went to the facility tonight, and the o/w was still working. I said to my husband, when is she going home. I was upset when I said it. He then, replied,"It's not her fault, I told you the problem was mine." He got angry and stormed off, leaving me to stay with his mother. I was terribly hurt, he felt I was angry at him, and wouldn't listen that I just hated seeing her face. She and him both are the cause of my pain. I felt so unloved, he was defending the woman that he loves, and he doesn't love me. I told him this is not working out, refering to having his mom in the same place the o/w works. He then tells me, you're right, I told you I am not going through this again. (Refering to me being upset) He has no idea, I am still contemplating whether life would be better without him.
Anybody have any solutions to my delimena?

Sorry you are going through this. He is still very much in the fog. He ought to be thanking his lucky stars that you will take him back. But he is still thinking mainly of not hurting the OW. He doesn't care anything about your feelings.

A WS that is truly repentant will do whatever it takes to protect you. He's not there yet.

So you can continue having the knife in your heart twisted, or you can expose OW and hope she gets fired, or you can have your MIL moved.

I suggest that you work to get the OW fired. I don't see where the consequences of your husband and OW should fall on you or your MIL.

Thanks for the advice believer. I have thought about that. O/W says that the feelings our strictly on my husbands side and that she has only been a friend, a friend that stays after work for a couple of hours talking to my husband, a friend that calls at 11:30 p.m. at my home on the day that I left for the coast. She willingly told me that my husband was making her life ****** by his constant calling her, her peers were saying that she and my husband were having an affair, and she had talked to her boss about my husband problem. She also said she had talked to her husband about this. I noticed on my husbands personal cell that he has had many voice messages. I would say my voice messages were maybe 1/3 of those. I am worrying that o/w is calling him and leaving voice messages. But its hard to prove because his mother has been in the hospital for the past few days and his niece might have been calling. I just don't know. Right now my husband is in the front room sitting in his chair, acting like its me again. He was upset because he is trying to avoid contact, and I couldn't help watching his o/w from my mother-in-laws patio door, which looks into the office of the o/w. I felt great anger watching her, he misread the anger for him, and wouldn't listen when I tried to tell him, the sight of her makes me upset. My husbands world is wrapped up in his mother, and his feelings of loss, (worrying about her dying and mourning the loss of her memory to dementia) She is his first priority in life, he doesn't love me, and he is in love with the o/w who coincidently reminds me a lot of his mother. I am nothing, I repeat nothing like the o/w. I am tired of being hit over the head with words like, I am not going to live like this, (referring to if we have an arguement over o/w) Or I don't trust him and question his motives.

I think the affair might still be going on. I also don't think the OW's husband knows.

Your husband is trying to shut you up by making you feel guilty.

Keep checking on them, and I would also speak to the OW's husband.

Hi, khb.


Since your mother in law's health is at issue here, I would apprise top management about the situation and let them know that given the situation, you don't feel you can trust this other woman to administer proper care to your mother-in-law.

All the best,
Gimble

Thanks, believer. I keep on waffling back and forth on letting the o/w husband know. Especially because of all the information the o/w supplied about my husbands behaviors. I could'nt help feeling that she had been mostly honest with me. Why would she have told me all of the information if she was just as involved in it as him. That's not excusing her behavior, because it is always bad news when the opposite sex tries to help a person going through a crisis. My husband is shutting down with me.

Thanks Gimble for the advice. The o/w is activities director, and she absolutely adores my mil. I spent the past two days with my mil in the hospital, and you don't know how many times my mil would tell me how wonderful the o/w was. Only she didn't say o/w, she said her name. My mil has know idea that my husband and her have been carrying on for the past year. I can't tell her either because she has dementia and limited thinking capabilities. This is one thing she shouldn't have to deal with. Unlike me, that has to deal daily with the reality. The option of talking to the administrator and the other womans husband is definately a good possibility. I have to think hard on it. I already told the o/w when we had our conversation that I was actually at her husband's work and was going to speak to him. I had just missed him by a few minutes. She knows I am serious, and this, I am hoping, will keep her from resuming the affair, the fear of loosing her husband and job.

OW is an 'activities director'? Hm.... well go to her admin and question her activities? Ask or wonder out loud how many other patient's relatives she is boinking and is that allowed/condoned.....part of her activities? Raise it as a question and let them squirm for a solution. All you then need t/d is expose to her H (which he will probably deny), then let a few other patient's relatives know what a sleeze she is.

BE careful though....she could get you for slander. Do it just enough to let others bring her to light.

JMHO,
L.

OK I say slow down a little...

I believe that in this one instance that YOUR husband is correct..
his mother should not have to bear the burdon or brunt of her sons behaviors.....

so both of you need to act together on this...

an activity director should have little one on one contact with patients...the MAJORITY of it being in group settings...

and it is your husband who should go to the administrator with you and request that she the OW wean herself slowly from moms personal life except in the group activity genre

and is it NOT possible that you and your husband POJA joint visits only????....

typical activity directors should be a nine to five position with some evenings if a scheduled activity...but most likely things wrap up around sometime around nine...if not much earlier...you should be able to cooridinate together how to avoid her...


The problem is, I go to visit my mother-in-law and I have to look at the o/w and I hate it. I hate her.

This is your issue and should never ever interfere with your visiting your MIL and you should NOT give your husband a hard time about this...

Niether should your husband STORM off leaving you with you mother..
that's childish and totally negates his mantra about not effecting mom...duh..

THIS is a workable situation in which the MOM's best interest MUST come before anything else...

you can do things that show solidarity..and strengthen both of you..

the real question is..
is there contact?
what is your plan for proof?
has he agreed to no contact?
are you two in counseling?
Have you identified his "reasons" for the affair

are you really in recovery...

and you need help with dealing with your emotions to not sabotage recovery on your end and find a way to communicate your pain that your husband can hear and feel and not get to react like a teenager and storm off leaving the room...

ARK

kds, my greatest concern here is that the affair is not over and the OWH has not been told. This affair must be exposed, and you are keeping the secret at your own expense. OWH must be told so he can ensure the affair is ended from his end and so he can protect himself from his W and your H. This man has a RIGHT to know to he is being destroyed behind his back, kds. I would make this your first order of business. You will be doing the right thing and you will decreasing the risk of a resumption of the affair.

My greatest concern, though, is that you have told the OW you were plannning on doing this. I wouldn't be surprised if she has pre-empted you by telling her H about some "crazy, jealous nutjob who thinks I am having an affair with her H." That is why it is a HUGE mistake to threaten to expose an OP; the forewarning gives them a chance to spin the story.

So, please, take this important first step and tell him.

I also think you should tell the hospital administrators about the affair. She would likely be removed for this reason. I think this would be best for everyone involved. Sure, your mother likes the woman, but she can be easily replaced with someone else. You and your H shouldn't have to deal with this on a daily basis. I doubt that the NH would wants such an irresponsible, sleazy person in this position lest they be exposed to lawsuits.

and is it NOT possible that you and your husband POJA joint visits only????....

I think that would be a great idea. I will have to run that by my husband, but I don't know if he is going to like the feeling that he has to be accompanied when visiting his mother, although I see a lot of couples going as couples. The only wrinkle is that my husband doesn't just visit. He stays for at the minimum of two hours. He comes at dinner hour on the days he works and helps assist his mom to eat and helps her get undressed for the night, putting her to bed before he leaves. On weekends, he will spend almost all day Sunday. From 6:30 a.m to 7:00 p.m. at night. Saturday he will visit for a few hours.

typical activity directors should be a nine to five position with some evenings if a scheduled activity...but most likely things wrap up around sometime around nine...if not much earlier...you should be able to cooridinate together how to avoid her...

She works sometimes earlier getting off at 4:30 and other times she works unti 5:30 p.m. My husband doesn't honor the first agreement that he won't show up while she's working. He will come when he thinks she is off, and then go into my mil room or take her to dinner, avoiding where the activities director is. This is not satisfactory to me. I want him not to go at all until she is gone. He is just not getting it that seeing her puts his recovery backwards every time.


The problem is, I go to visit my mother-in-law and I have to look at the o/w and I hate it. I hate her.

This is your issue and should never ever interfere with your visiting your MIL and you should NOT give your husband a hard time about this...

I can't help my feelings of hate for her. In the back of my mind, she had to know that spending all those hours comforting MY husband and TALKING about OUR marriage as well as all the things in life that he feels I have held him back on and prevented him from experiencing in life.

I will try to control my feelings and try not to allow him to see my anger that I have for her.

Niether should your husband STORM off leaving you with you mother..
that's childish and totally negates his mantra about not effecting mom...duh.

My husband's emotions are raw and right on edge. His behavior is not typical of what it was before the EA. I notice he cannot control his temper or emotions when I confront him with thngs he doesn't want me to bring up.

THIS is a workable situation in which the MOM's best interest MUST come before anything else...

This is the only reason I have not insisted that my mil be moved immediately. If we could find another Assisted Living facility that would accept her, we would definately consider moving her, but in reality it is only going to be time before she is asked to move because her needs are beyond what the assisted living program can provide.

you can do things that show solidarity..and strengthen both of you..

the real question is..
is there contact?

He says not. I have not found any evidence to the contrary. I have figured out his password for his cell phone voice mail, and now will be checking his voice mails periodicly and will be able to catch them if she is contacting him through voice mail.

what is your plan for proof? (see Above)

has he agreed to no contact?

Yes, he has agreed to no contact, although with the situation the way it is, this is going to be difficult.

are you two in counseling?

We were until, I confirmed the EA. Then husband, embarrassed by the fact that he had lied about the EA and had been filling both the counselor and me with crap, that adulters babble, he decided that counseling wasn't working.


Have you identified his "reasons" for the affair

Yes, my husband is going through a mid-life crisis that was brought on by the decline of his mothers health and the fear that his last living immediate family member would die.
My part in it, is the fact that I started going to college again, after years of staying home, and stopped doing things for my husband and his mother, leaving him to bear the brunt of her needs. It was unintentional on my part, but that doesn't give me an excuse for it. I should have known that he was in a downward spiral, (I didn't) He was getting all of his emotional needs taken care of by the Activities Director who would spend hours during work and after work talking to him about his mother and OUR marriage.

are you really in recovery...

I don't think I understand your question, can you clarify?

and you need help with dealing with your emotions to not sabotage recovery on your end and find a way to communicate your pain that your husband can hear and feel and not get to react like a teenager and storm off leaving the room..

I will definately work on this.
I have times when I am able to communicate with my husband, and there are other times when it's like talking to a brick wall. He repeats the same thing over and over. I am working on trying to control my tongue and measure the words that come out of my mouth.

Thanks for your help ARK
ARK [/quote]

Hi, kds.

Allow me to reiterate the most important orders of business for you.

1) Expose the affair to the other woman's husband.

2) Expose the affair to management at the care facility.

Both steps will greatly aid in removing other woman's presence from your husband and hopefully preclude their contact in the future.

All the best,
Gimble.

Update: Things have been very uncomfortable around here. My husband has gone back to the hard exterior, not wanting to do anything that might benefit the marriage or possibly me. I told him if our marriage was going to work, he was going to have to be honest with me. I told him, I don't like going to bed with him angry. He denies being angry and then tries to make it like I am making stuff up. He finally spills what is bothering him. When I said how important it was to be honest with each other, he said,"Another rule", "I am so tired of all your rules." (he is talking about the no contact rules) He says,"I can't even see my mother for long each night because I can't see her until (activities director) goes home." "She goes to bed early, and I will only get to see her for a few minutes." (not true.)
He actually will be able to see her from 5:30 until 7:00 or 7:30, depending on how tired she is.
My wandering husband is angry with me for the restrictions of no contact. He is the one that wants her to stay there. I am all for searching for another facility. I even agreed to care for my mil in our home, but my husband doesn't want that. (I think secretly, he doesn't because he knows she will be needing a 24 hour around the clock care, and he knows that life as it was will be radically changed) Also my mil weight over 200 pounds and when she falls or needs assistance, it takes more than one person to help her.

For that reason alone, its not an ideal situation.
My husband was so hateful when he was talking to me. You could fill the hate and resentment in the room. I told him, I'm not the enemy. He said,"Yes you are."
After that I took my pillows and slept out on the couch where I didn't feel the hate and resentment. I feel so ugly, through and through. Looking through my husbands eyes, I am a loathsome, ugly person, that is making his life miserable and keeping him from his mother.

Bump