Hi
I have the divorce papers for us both to sign. He has called me this week and asked about something financial (he quit paying bills in July 04). Then wrote me 2 letters which were tear jerkers. I am the BW, although reading the first letter which tells me he will accept me back when I am ready, sounds like I am the one with an A. He was still seeing her last week... Anyone have any ideas? I am baffled by this.
S

I don't know your story, so I'm assuming that you no longer want to be married to him, so I think that the best thing to do would be to ignore the tear-jerker letters.

Although...it would be tempting to respond:

"It's so kind of you to offer to "accept me back when I'm ready"; however, this choice is not yours to make. *I* am the one who chooses not to continue in this marriage, as I will not be in a marriage which has a third party involved. Besides, I'm no longer interested, third party or not. Have a nice life.

P.S. All I need you to do is sign the papers!"

Dear stidnumh,

I guess the mind works in wondrous ways. My STBXWH still tells me he loves me.. that he wants to try again.. that he will drop all his GF's for me...
Yet when we were M'd he didn't mind going to P's, having sex with my BF, and chatting with women on the internet, and looking for porn on the internet. When I found out about these things he didn't want to be completely open and honest about his actions/on-line accounts etc., insisting on his privacy etc. And insisting that he could still chat with women as it was "all innocent" and that he needed to meet new people !!

Now that I'm moving out he's going to "drop" all that for lil'ole me??? Nono... he'll say anything just to keep me from moving out. I was his rock, his security, his companion. He needed OW for fun & sex, but he needs me for companionship, for not being alone. A bit like a dog that's always there wagging it's tail, happy that you have (finally) come home... Even if you don't take good care of the dog, you'll miss it when it's gone...

I don't know if your story matches mine, but I wouldn't be impressed by any tear-jerker letter my STBX would sent me. I would conclude he was just feeling sorry for himself. Only if he would consider doing some serious counseling/therapy to CHANGE - only then I can see any hope for a LASTING change in his self-centered behavior.

Like someone once said:
"People don't change because you hold their hands, leading the way. They change through a internal riping process. And then they'll know the right thing to do. And doing the right thing is simple."

I think that is correct. When a person hasn't matured/riped, the right thing to do (which really is quite simple) seems very complicated to them, because they get stuck in blaming others, justifying their own actions, self-pity, denial, acute amnesia etc. They don't want counseling because that would confront them with their own actions and make them take responsibility for them.

Thanks Lady Clueless and Brownhair,
I guess my first reply was eaten by the hungry posting board.
I appreciated so much having reassuring words that I am ok with my thinking. He sure won't touch counseling or recovery group or anything similar. Just sends me letters and blames me...and I still kinda wonder if it is true. I know it is twisted truth.
Thank you again.
S