hello again everyone. I haven't posted for a little while, but I need help again now. it's been about 10 weeks with NC, but my husband works with the stupid ******. sorry, but that's how i feel about her. he can't quit his job, so don't even suggest that. but anyway, he shows me all his actions online and accounts for his time. he removed and blocked her from his messenger lists, etc. he has become much more loving toward me and is stqarting to act more like himself. he says im doing good meeting his needs, but am still too needy sometimes. i found her "myspace" site in the history online today. i haven't said anything yet, because i'm not sure how to handle it. things seem to be going well, should i take this hard? i mean, if his actions toward me are an indication of his feelings, then i dont feel like i have to worry. but of course it's still painful and fresh and i dont know if i can trust him, i just dont know. please help me!!!

Help you what?

he says YOU are meeting HIS needs (after his affair with a woman he still sees at work)

and he says you are "too needy" which means your needs are going to be UNmet ... if they are too much in his eyes...

Today your H was looking at OW's my space ... and you don't know how to handle it?

Here's an idea...

"H, you were on the computer today looking at OW's my space. Let's talk about that."
Then listen to what he says and WATCH for any anger or defensiveness on his part....

fumbling, did you expose at work? Just curious why H cannot look for another job?

no, we didn't tell anyone really...we both feel that it is our business. i told my sister, but shes the only one who knows the whole truth. he works a crappy job making minimum wage and so do i. we need the money though and theres nothing else around, he has looked.they dont work together everyday, and i believe him when he says they dont talk when they do work together. i can go in and see him anytime as it is a short walk from home. i just dont know what to do...how can i trust him? is he lying to me? ill ask him about him being on there, but i know what he'll say..."well what do you want to talk about, i dont have much to say....or, i just wanted to see blah blah blah something or other excuse." and he will most likely get irritated with me for badgering him about something i think is a problem.

Read what pep wrote. Use this as a script...say it and no more. Then watch. You *will* know. We all have that nagging in our gut when something isn't right, we just need to listen.

.... and what does this tell you about the condition of your marriage?

i dont know honestly, i mean i know we are still having problems...doesn't everyone while in this stage of recovery? he says i bug him about the same things over and over and it drives him crazy. which i do, because thats what i do when i have a problem, i feel like i have to tell him repeatedly in order for him to get it. im trying to correct this problem, ofcourse. im learning to approach things differently and respect his needs and feelings more. i know i can be selfish and demanding at times. but i am afraid to ask him about it because i dont want to cause a fight. what if he does get defensive?

Do you know how to discuss important and difficult issues without fighting?

i know i should listen and stay calm and try to respect his opinions. ummm. is there anything else, really? focus on the problem at hand and don't get sidetracked and that kind of stuff. i always get upset and he gets frustrated. it always happens that way. im a very emotional person though i try to keep it in check when its important.he just acts like he hates talking about stuff, because of this repeating cycle im sure, but i dont know what i can do about it. any ideas would be lovely, as i truly am that clueless. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

How old are you?

23...why? can you please hepl me with some advice instead of one sentence replies?

I want to know how much life experience you have to draw from.



I think you should get counseling. Knowing how to control your end of a difficult discussion is very important. Right now, you are not equiped with mature marriage/communication skills. That's the goal you should look for in counseling. A message board is only a useful tool if you are able to make your own analysis of what others say to you in the way of advice.

What do you think you should do about discussing the 'my space' discovery with your husband?

sorry if i sound frustrated, but i am. i cant afford counseling and have no form of insurance at all, nor do i have anyone to pay for it for me.
my husband and i are high school sweethearts and have been through alot in our time together. i know that i am going to ask him about it like you said and just wait to see his response. then i'll just try to control my feelings no matter what he says or how he replies. im trying not to let myself create a preconceived answer in my head. i know i cant come across as accusing or mean in any way, it would only give him a reason to be defensive.
i'm doing everything i know to do. i'm reading alot of different books and coming here often. i'm making more of a concious effort to look inside myself and make a positive change.
i just want to know if this is normal, i don't know if he is still in withdrawl...is it just my own negative feelings telling me to worry? he accounts for his time and does everything i ask him to do to help me feel more secure. i just need some feedback on the situation i guess. should i just try to detach from the situation when i'm faced with an issue like this? i just feel so confused, i guess. i want to trust him and have no real evidence that i shouldn't...but then we all go back and forth with ourselves, and then that happened today. i want to trust him so badly, but i don't know if i should.

Why should you trust him? He has proven that he is untrustworth right now.

It takes a long time of consistent behavior to build up trust.