He wants a divorce...(we've been talking to lawyers about separation) says it's not about him and OW. It's the problems with our M. He's said that before (not before the A,though). Do I believe him? He says he doesn't care if OW goes back to her H. He doesn't want to be married to me anyway. Help! 6 years of marriage, mother of his 2 beautiful kids and I don't even get a chance ?? ..

He wants a divorce...(we've been talking to lawyers about separation)

He will say this for awhile. You are a long way from a divorce. Calm yourself. Unless you were a really lousy wife for a pretty long time ... this anger phase will blow over.

Thanks, Pepperband. My biggest crime as a wife was putting everyone else (kids,job,WH) before me. I did neglect our M after our first child, DD2 was born. His punishment seems way too harsh for my 'crime.' Any thoughts on why he says the D is about us and not him and OW?

OK .... relax ..... you are an average person ... not psycho-weirdo-wife ...

If you H is determined to divorce a good woman because she EXPOSED HIS ADULTERY TO OW'S HUSBAND ... then he is not so great husband-material, now is he?

thanks, Pep. It's so hard when you know there is the wonderful guy I married guy in there somewhere.

Trixie - They ALL say it isn't about the OP. That is the standard verbage right out of the WS manual.

We have heard this all before......many times. Don't fret. As long as the affair ends and he starts withdrawal, you are on the right track. Just give him time and stick to your Plan A even though it kills you! And be sure and notify the OWH of EVERY communication you discover, ok? You have them on the ropes, so don't let up!

My STBXW exhibited the same behavior. There were no problems with our M beforehand. Never argued. Nothing. We supported each other in every way. STBXW even stood up at the wedding of her best friend, just over a year before the A started, and offered a toast wishing that her best friend and new H would have as happy and as wonderful a marriage as she and I had. After I caught STBXW spending the night at OM's house, she started accusing me of having an A. Completely out of the blue. This was NEVER mentioned before and of course it was a complete fabrication. So yes, this is part of the script as far as I can tell. Hang with it. It sounds like you still have a shot at saving your M, if that is what you want to do.

Where can you find adulter's scripts? I would love to compare all the things my b/h has said the the scripts.

Oh, that's in the WS handbook (aka: WS babble 101). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Given out to all new WS students of the A university. We havne't found the publisher yet but believe they are located in the mothership. Since it is easy to get a 'virtual' education nowadays, we figure some of the WS go on-line for their A studies. Some even venture to dating website, TOW boards, etc to further their studies. It is a sick world.

L.

He's half-right, Trixie - it isn't about the OW. She's just an available sl*t with sloppy morals and an unbalanced sense of entitlement; they're ten-a-penny and nothing special.

Where he's not right is attributing the problem to the marriage.

As Pep said, unless you whip him every night with chains, the problem is HIM.

The bad news is that you may not be able to mend the marriage, because it's his effort that is required.

The good news is that he will not really be willing to give up the marriage, because it's a much better deal for him than he's willing to admit right now.

The 'divorce!' threat? Ha, ha, ha. P20 of the WS Handbook. They ALL say that.

If he's very lucky, you won't take him up on his kind offer.

TogetherAlone

I didn't have a good comeback for this babble I've heard several times: 'when you do things for people, including the kids, you always expect something in return.' ouch. I always thought I was pretty generous...maybe I do expect something in return, but it's usually not selfish...I expect the kids to feel loved and secure when I show affection, for instance.

Thanks for your support, everybody.

Trix,

""A nice side effect of this exposure is that, as far as I can tell, H sees that OW has been lying to him about how much her H knows...she's been sleeping with her H all this time.""

The A is starting to disintegrate and your H has such huge FOGBABBLE spewing from his mouth!

You are weathering the storm, like the people in "Norleens".

Keep strong and stay your course. His babble is like the waves smashing against the lighthouse (you).

Just hang in there taking his abuse, the storm will lessen.

k

EDITED TO READ: FogB="you always expect something in return when you are nice to someone or the kids"!! You - "and I do get something in return..their love and appreciation"

Thanks, krusht. This is such a roller coaster. Am I just grasping at nothing here?

This was part of my WW's issue with myself... she said I was smothering her. I thought I was giving, giving, giving, and couldn't understand why she wasn't giving back. I never saw that I was expecting something in return. This is a common problem of co-dependence, where one person must give to feel happy and looks for something in return. This never brings satisfaction to the "giver" and feelings of rejection and hurt are always there. The receiver always feels smothered and a burden of responsibility they don't want. This, for guys, is also similar to the nice guy vs. bad guy idea. The nice guy gives out of fear but loses respect of the spouse. The spouse wants their man to be independent and strong. I'm not sure if there is a similar idea for "nice girls"... but no-one wants the relationship to be based on dependency and neediness.

I don't know your story enough to say whether or not this is you. Every person has some of this in them... but it needs to be in moderation. Possibly it is something to look at. I am trying to fix it. I know that my M won't be strong until I am able to look at the future with or without my W and know that I can be happy. That is starting to happen now and my WW has now committed to making our M work. She already sees some difference in me and the attraction is returning.

I'll be praying for you.

Shaden