I wanted to share an experience that has given me hope that there are exceptions to societal norms in the dating world.

I have always been a plus-sized woman. Been on diets, exercise programs, etc. since I was in kindergarten. I've not succeeded in maintaining my weight anywhere near normal ranges. I decided that I was not going to spend the rest of my life hating myself....disrespecting myself...because of my weight.

On top of this, I turned 50 this year. While young looking for my age, a few wrinkles and sags are making themselves known! Another strike against me in the dating world. Many guys my age want women in their late 20s or 30s. My xWS was 47 when he left me for an OW who was 21. Ouch! (My weight hadn't changed much while we were married. He always told me he thought I was a beautiful woman.)

Fat and 50.....not too hopeful. Not the best situation for re-entering the dating world.

Several months after my divorce I was introduced to a neighbor's nephew. He was friendly, humourous, and good looking. We enjoyed each other company during visits at the neighbor's. He was 34 years old, so I gave no thought to him being interested in dating me. Afterall...I was Fat and 50.

I was totally surprised when he approached me one day and asked if I'd go out with him. He knew I was 50 years old. I mentioned that I was a bit uncomfortable with the age difference, and wondered how it was that he went against society's norm. He said that he had mostly dated older women and that was his preference. He liked their depth and life experience. (I never raised the issue of my weight. I was trying to support my efforts to not be apologetic for my body size..and it's not like I could hide it!)

My "date" shared that he had testicular cancer at 25 years old. One of his testicles was removed. The other was fine. The cancer eventually spread to his one lung. It could have gone to his brain! He had one lung removed. The doctors gave him 2 years, at best, to live. He defeated the odds and has been cancer free for 7 years!

We decided at one point that we wanted a sexual relationship. Yikes! Now my Fat and 50 had nowhere to hide! My guy, however, was completely at ease with his body. Here was this 34 year old man with one testicle gone and a very large scar from his lung removal...confident in himself and his physical desireability. Here I was rejecting myself before he could!

I prompted myself to witness how someone else with a less than "perfect" body could be at ease. (Admittedly I think that women are judged harsher on their appearance.)I changed gears in my thinking and decided to "pretend" that my body was desireable...acting from that perception. It was still difficult for me, but I could see how it could become easier if I kept "practicing" the thought. He had no complaints or lack of desire for me!

So, Fat and 50 may not have them standing in line to date me. But, it only takes one...the right one. And I guess there are some of them out there!

Good for you! You're right. You don't need a whole line of them, just one. I'm "fat" and 35, LOL, (I prefer "fluffy"), and the man I dated for 2 years after my divorce loved my body. He's not overweight at all. He told me over and over, and treated me like I was sexy... I might as well have been a size 2 super-model. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Women can be sexy at any size, and there are plenty of men out there that believe it and can appreciate it. Your self-confidence and attitude can make all the difference.

Congratulations, heartmending, and thanks for the positive post! I relate to your story because my H left me at age 48 for a 21 year old, too. It's been almost 5 years and they're still together. I just turned 54, I'm only slightly overweight, but I had breast cancer, mastectomy, and tram flap reconstuction. So, besides the wrinkles and "cottage cheese", I've got a scar from hip to hip, one breast reduction, and one reconstructed breast with no nipple (reconstruction failed). None of it shows in clothes, though!

I'm not yet divorced and not really ready to date again after my one premature foray into the dating world, but I haven't had to turn anyone down yet either...

Post deleted by CheckUrHeart

Heartmending, yours is an inspiring and happy story and I thank you for sharing it.

<grumble on>
I am only troubled that it was deemed necessary to follow it up with a "here's how YOU might be able to lose weight" post. I appreciate that there are many "programs" out there for that purpose... but sometimes it's just nice to hear a story where the fat girl gets the guy WITHOUT any mention of how she could be happier if she'd just lose weight.
</grumble off>

CS
Also "fluffy"

CS. you missed the point. I was not trying to denegrate heartmending's great story. I enjoyed it too and it's refreshing that there are people out there who can look beyond the exterior and into the person. There's an awful lot of ugly fat predjudice out there. If heartmending were to say that she is quite happy and content exactly the way she is and has no desire to try to loose wight, I'd respect that and praise her for it.

I did my follow up on bariatric programs because there are liable to be people who will read this and say "Yeah, that's a great story. Too bad they are so rare. Now how about something useful to me. How can I get these 60 lbs off and keep them off?" You are correct that there are lots of programs out there. Most of them are designed to separate you from your money and they have no proven record of success. Hostpital based bariatric programs draw on the vast amount of knowledge that has been accumulated in this field over the last 20 years. They are for real and they work. Many people have never heard of them and may not even know that there are bariatric specialists in their town. So they throw money away on things like WW, OA, Jenney Craig, the South Beach Diet, the Atkins Diet, The Watermelon Diet, etc. They may loose a few pounds, keep it off for awhile, put it right back on, and silently hate themselves - over and over again. So I decided to build on Heartmending's positive note with something positive and give those who are looking to loose weight some good information.

Nearly 50% of our poplutation is now clinically obese. This has grown to one of the top five public health problems. We as a society need to do something about it. I've read such extreme solutions as this: since the government already heavily taxes tobacco and alcohol in an effort to curb consumption, similarly it should tax high fat foods. I'd prefer an educational approach and developing an atmosphere where people who want to loose weight will get support from others around them.

Heartmending, I was not trying to detract from your wonderful story. Please accept my apology if you feel I was. If you desire, I will move it to another thread or delete it.

No grumbling ever came on......

Thank you CS!!!! Couldn't have said it better myself! My life has been full of "buts"! "You could do this...but", "You could be pretty...but" "You did a good job...but"..... Growing up with my dad: "I see you got mostly "A"s, but why did you get this one B+?" It's like giving a "gift" to someone only to grab it right back. And sometimes you don't even get the gift to start with!

CUH,
I felt like I was being judged and lectured about my weight management issues. I didn't ask for an opinion or feedback about my weight. The focus of my sharing wasn't on that. Another "Yes.....but..". Please, however, leave your comments on here. It's a prime example of an attitude I was seeking victory over.

There wasn't one thing you shared...no not one..that I haven't heard before. You have no idea of the extent, desire, methods, or effort that I have put in to dealing with my "obesity". I am totally aware of the health impact of obesity. You have no idea what my efforts have been in the "health" area of my life. Nor is it any of your business unless I ask for feedback to that effect. You took a sentence and ran with it. This is insulting and hurtful to me. This is a public forum. You have the right to your opinion, and I would like others to see it.

My stereotypic guess is that you're a male. I apologize if I'm wrong. The logical, rationale, non-emotive, "let me give the right answers and fix it for you" approach. I will "own" that this type of response is a real trigger for me! My first husband all over again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I do believe that you were truly well-intentioned, and I thank you for that.

I would encourage readers who want to go off-topic to look at this exchange. I think it is a prime example of communication styles and/or approaches to problem solving. Other posts have talked about how to be more validating of their spouse's thoughts and feelings. There tends to be a male-female difference. Obviously not every person matches this pattern. Men tend to be "action oriented, fixers" and women often just want to be acknowledged, heard, understood.

Personally, I will continue to work on learning the "Five Love Languages" to improve my communication of love and support to all people. I've got quite a ways to go...but....I'm going! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LST,
Just an aside...
I see that your WS was an alcoholic/addict. My exWS was a recovering alcoholic/addict. Guess where he met his OW???
.........At his AA/NA meetings!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Check,

I think you've missed MY point.

The average woman reading the After Divorce: Dating and Relationships forum is not going to be reading Heartmending's wonderful story saying "Now how about something useful to me. How can I get these 60 lbs off and keep them off?" - they'll be wondering where they, too, might find a man that isn't fixated on finding a supermodel so that they might be able to get a darned DATE. And Heartmending's post will have given them (us) a little bit of hope that those of us who aren't Molly Simms can find someone, too.

I, for one, was elated to hear Heartmending's story. The statistics show that a divorced female over 40 has a much reduced chance to re-marry than younger women. Add the weight issue to that and the statistics are even sadder for us. A single success story gives us a little more hope and a little more confidence.

Just leave it that way.

We might be interested in hearing about the bariatric medicine topic on a thread of it's own. I know I would be willing to discuss it somewhere else.

CS

heartmending, In AA they call that "13th stepping" - I guess it's a not uncommon way addicts avoid the real issue why they're there and a way to replace one addiction with another.

My WH met MOW at work, she was an employee on the night shift. H was always getting called in on emergencies at night. Funny, when he and MOW left and I took over, there were very few emergency calls on the night shift anymore...

CrystalSinger said:

EXACTLY!

I have deleted my post. It certainly was NOT my intention to preach to anyone, offend anyone, or to hurt anyone's feelings. Please accept my apology if I have.

So far in my dating experience, I have noticed that there are a LOT of men out there who actually PREFER larger women, and a lot of younger men who really want to be with older women.

I'm 32, so my "youngins" are WAY TOO YOUNG... they're in their early to mid 20's, and cannot possibly offer what I'm looking for at this stage in my life. But the age range that I DO want to get to know... many of those men want the older women. Something I can look forward to, maybe? LOL!

To throw some MB lessons in here... we all know all too well that when our WS's were with OP's, it was because the OP made them FEEL wonderful! Many times, the OP didn't look like they were "all that"... but if they FELT it, then that would pass on to the WS, and kaboom! An A is born.

Why am I bringing that up? Because that painful experience many of went through can be used as a positive in our lives now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for sharing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Karen
(another "fluffy" one :P LMAO!)

I might add that although MOW is much younger than me, she is also quite a bit "fluffier". In fact, most of the women he had EA/PA's with were on the "fluffy" side. All were also younger... So, I guess, when/if I ever start dating again, I'll be looking for someone with the opposite taste of my WH!

Most men are not fixated on finding a woman with a supermodel figure to date. On the other hand, most men I know don't want to date a woman who is 4 inches shorter than him and out weighs him by 40 pounds. There is a huge middle ground between the two extremes, where most men are quite happy to date in.

I agree. There is a middle ground between the two extremes where most men are quite happy to date in. There's nothing wrong with that. We are attracted to what we're attracted to...period. My intent wasn't to try to persuade men to change their dating choices.

My point was to share and give hope to others who struggle with the weight/age issue. It's often intimidating enough for people on this forum to re-enter the dating world. I doubt that many of us came out of our marriages with immediate high self-esteem. When you add the issues of being an older female who is overweight, I think it's even more intimidating.

I wasn't sharing to figure out how I could change myself. I wasn't sharing to ask for sympathy. I wasn't sharing to try and get people to change their preferences. I was sharing to give others hope that there are some exceptions to "most men". As I said, I may not have men lined up to date me....but it only takes one...the right one. If it could happen to me....... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />