Thanks, Anne.....for your post to my earlier thread.

I have the Divorce Busting book, and will re-read it.

Tonight, we were watching a movie with a guy in it who was chain smoking. Yes, I started smoking again about 2 years ago......my nerves, and other excuses. I hadn't smoked for 30 years until then.

WH said "that guy smokes like you do", with a laugh.

I said "I don't chain smoke" (I smoke about 10 a day, unless things are really bad).

He made another smart comment about my smoking, and I said "I only smoke because of you".

He said "I was joking"

Me: "So was I"....

He got up, and went out the back door. I went to see where he was about 15 minutes later. He and his car are gone.

Now, I'm sick to my stomach. Was that a 180, or just a LB?

I'm tired of his jokes at my expense. He does not have one little clue what he has done to me with his A, and his repeated backsliding.

I don't really care where he went, or what he is doing. And I don't care what he thinks about what I said.

Maybe it will give him something to think about......

K

Hi, k.

I can't really tell you about the 180. I can tell you that you should directly address his behavior in a calm and honest manner.

"Hubby, please don't make jokes at my expense. If you have something to say, then say it"

Don't respond to snide snarky behavior in the same way. That just gives him an excuse to behave badly in response.

All the best,
Gimble

Thanks Gimble.........

I was pretty sure after I said it that it was disrespectful, therefore a LB.

So, I busted out the book "Divorce Busting", and am reading up on the 180's.

Will I ever do anything right? I know the answer to that! Yes! As I start doing them for myself, and take myself out of this chaos.

Please, everyone, you can disregard this post if you want.....or let me have IT (2x4)........

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

OK K..I'll let you have it...
but you know I adore you....

He made another smart comment about my smoking, and I said "I only smoke because of you

remember here the bigger picture...never tell a WS or formerWS or anyone that YOU do an action that YOU control because they do something..

you should be modeling total ownership....
not placing fault on others for your behavior...

there is some irony that his reaction was to leave...
I think that if and when he is going to leave...that's all on him...
and NOTHING you do or don't do is the cause or the reason...

I think you are doomed when that is his plan...

If someone told me they smoked because of me...I would never ever leave...cause I would be to happy to stay for hours turning ALL of my ACTIONS and BEHAVIORS on them...
since they have given me permission to do so...

You didn't LB
You handed him a loaded weapon...
and he left..
which in my mind is not the correct reation to what you did...

you didn't say anything mean.
you said something silly...

He will use anything for an excuse to scoot when it feels or serves him...

don't carry that burdon..
make sure you apoligize sincerely for saying you smoke because of him and keep on your plan..

ARK

K, I'm going to ask you this question, and truthfully it doesn't even have anything to do with whether what you said was an LB or not. Frankly, what difference does it make at this point? My question is this. K, what are you doing? Why are you sitting and watching a movie with this BH of yours? Why do you ask us all how you should talk to him, then you do talk to him, and then proceed to do nothing? I am not trying to put you down here. I wouldn't even be posting to you if I didn't greatly care. I'll repeat what I have said to you numerous times. You deserve better than this. Reclaim your life, and reclaim it now!!!! Is the only way we are going to get you or your H out of that house is by organizing a convo to fly out there and physically remove one of you from the premises? K, you have experienced peace when you are out of this drama? I remember you writing about. Why are you allowing this sick H of yours to run the show? I know this is so hard for you, but he is putting out zero effort. After your conversation with him the other day he just leaves you alone and drives away? Once again I'm sending you massive amounts of cyber hugs and I am really praying that you get the courage you need to dump this man? He ain't your H anymore. CV

ark and CV..........

Thanks for the love and the 2x4's. But you don't have to worry about trying to make me see the light.

These are both the exact conversations I had with myself last night and this morning.

WH came home very drunk (he could barely walk). I apologized to him and said that I should never have said anything like that. That it was very disrespectful.

"I don't have anything or anyone. I got nothing". And for the first time I thought - no point in trying to argue with a drunk man. Besides, this is the same old "feel sorry for me" crap.

I just told him he better lay down before he fell down, and said "I'm leaving. You don't want me around."

He never left - he couldn't navigate that far.

When I woke up this morning, I thought, am "I" the one playing a sick game? Trying to mold this man to my will? When I know that will never happen? Am I trying to use him for something? What's the matter with me? What exactly am I trying to do here?

Game over. I think I finally see the light.

I'm taking back my life.

Thanks for the prayers.........I just found a whole bag of courage on my front door step.

K

Yes.

Get thee to Al-Anon.

Hi BR.........

What would Al-Anon do for me?

It will give you a life that is happy, joyous and free.

If you work it.

K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE AND LEARN TO LET GO!!!!!!!

I am NOT saying that this is the END............But your WS needs a SWIFT KICK IN THE BEHIND!!!!!!!!

Let him sob on his own!!!!!

You did absolutely nothing wrong and I don't think there is any reason to feel bad. He made a comment and you reacted.

He left for whatever reason...........and got drunk.

He has NO reason to change. He sees that you Take everything.
He sees that he can do whatever he feels like............Little K is always there.

If he is THAT frustrated...........it is up to HIM to change things.

If he doesn't learn to "Love himself" and be a man with a "Backbone" how can he expect things to get better. He's a cake eater and a fence sitter and he's NOT a man with character!!!

He's weak and he can't make up his mind...........he's trying to find comfort from someone and doesn't realize that he has to find peace within himself before his life will be happy.

This is up to every individual themself............to find happyness and peace.
You can't exect others to make you happy unless you are happy yourself.

So I still believe that you K............have to leave this sceneareo before things go completely down the drain.

You both are hurting each other because you are "thinking & wishing" so hard to get something and you both don't even have it within yourself.

Your husband is living with mushrooms on his eyes!!!!He hasn't closed the door behind him concerning OW and therefore he doesn't even have a chance to look in the "new" opened door that is standing right in front of his BIG FAT FACE!!!!!!!!

And K!!!!!! You haven't even peeked in the "new" door that has opened for you. What are you scared about????

OPEN that NEW DOOR!!!!!!!! You'll be surprised what life has to offer YOU!!!!!

I'm saying this because I know this is true.
I'll explain a little of my story. When I was 14yo my father was involved in an affair. My parents had been married for 20y. My mother fell apart. She thought her life was over and she actually tried to commit suicide.

My father swore that NO OW woman was involved. He swore it on the life of his children. (my brother was killed in an accident 6 years later)
The still got divorced.............
This was followed with almost 20 years of therapie and depression. My mother thought she was not capable to be on her own. She was afraid of life!!!!!

Many years later..........she remarried and she has a wonderful husband. Her life is happier than ever. She has her peace and happyness. She is self confident and she learnt to "let go".

And K, my mother was not a young 30 year old..........so NO excuse about that. She is heading towards 70yo. She found the love of her life 10 years ago. But this could of happened much sooned if she only would of "OPENED THAT DOOR" abit sooner...........
But I'd say better late than NEVER!!!!!

Oh and btw...........my father is still with his OW. He has his reality and he has lost everything that makes a life special. He can't face anyone from his family and has literally divorced everyone from his past..........He dwells on the past and "still feels sorry for himself" instead of rolling up his sleeves and doing something about it!!!!

hugs and I wish you the best, K!
bb

K, after I posted to you this morning 2 additional thoughts came to my mind. I can't remember her name on MB, but I'm sure you will know who I'm talking about. The young BW with the very physically and emotionally abusive H. She would keep posting the same things but finally stopped posting a few months back because she won't leave her horrible H. I look at your sitch K and I realized how emotionally abused you are by your H. When my H was in his 9 month A he emotionally abused me. This abuse has been going on for you for so long maybe you have forgotten what being free from abuse feels like. Just a thought.

The other thing was this. I gave you some advice, good or bad, a few months back I think. I'm wondering if maybe it would be a perfect 180. Everyone can feel free to whack me for this advice, but here goes. When your pathetic H is awake, and not in a drunken state, say this. "H, I'd like to call OW and would appreciate you being here for the conversation because I believe in honesty and openness." I'd then call OW and in your calmest, nicest voice say, "OW, I just want you to know that I have made a decision. You and H are so in-love, such soulmates, I am letting you have him. I would greatly appreciate it if you would come pick him up in (K, you fill in the blank here). I will gladly help him pack his bags. Good luck cause you'll both need it!"

Well that was my fantasy. As BB said, the sooner you move on, the sooner you can have a good life for yourself. It's like a glass having sour milk in it. Let's say it's the only glass you have, and you'd really like to fill it with something you really would like to drink, because you're so thirsty. But the only way to do that is to get rid of the sour milk so the glass is empty and able to be filled again. Get rid of the sour milk K, so you can fill your glass up with something really wonderful and good for yourself. HUGS! CV

^^^^bumping up for K

Hello to all.....

Thank you for your support.

Finally, this morning, after a day of silence between us, I told WH I needed to talk to him.

He said "There's nothing to say".

Me: "I have a lot to say". Then I pretty much put what SH told me to say into my own words. Told him he needed to leave.

I asked WH if he was still taking the week off.....he said he didn't know.

I told him that would give him plenty of time to find his own place. He just looked at me. Then started blaming me

"You just want me to be a robot with no feelings and do all these things to make it up to you."

I told him at some point that I had to stand up for myself. That I wasn't going to take this any longer, I'm not going to do this any more.

I said that he had cast me and his children and his life aside. That my heart had been broken, and he had done nothing to help repair it. And that if he wasn't going to do that, then I was going to do it for myself.

He kept skirting the issue, blaming me, etc. But I kept bringing it back to his contact with OW.

At one point, he came toward me in anger....but I stood my ground. I never once raised my voice. I simply stated my case.

And the whole time, I thought I would be nervous, or have that "exploding" feeling in my head, but none of that ever happened.

I also said "Be very clear on this. I do want to work this out with you......but under these conditions. If you ever want to really work on this, and do it willingly, then let me know".

I am calm.....and not shaking at all. Feels pretty good.

K

K!!!!
You go Girl!!!!!!

You have NO reason to shake and you have ALL reasons to feel calm!!!!!!

Now you just have to Stick to your words!!!!!!

Please, K.................read what I wrote about MY mother............don't let precious years pass........it's YOUR life and you shouldn't be wasting a day!!!!!

hugs
bb

Hi bb!

Thanks for your support........but I have to say, the calm is staying on.

However, I must get myself ready for WH's usual onslaught of phone calls, and showing up (the old ambush). I expect more of the same.

The "dicussion" would have been the same as before, but I just stayed calm, and kept bringing the conversation back to the point.

I don't plan on wasting a day........

Thanks,

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

K, good job! Stay strong. Your H's constant blaming shows how sick he really is. He needs to take resonsibility for himself. Stay safe! CV

Was this a bumped thread?

How about a "total" 180er..............change you phone number so that he can't call you anymore and have it "unlisted"!!!!

bb

I bumped it a little but it's not an "old" thread, Lemon!!

sorry, thought it was old thread..carry on.