HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lemonman.........I DO GET IT!!!!! And, I do get that I finally GET IT!!!

Sounds like - how many times before - but, strangely feels so much different. I found my bottom line.

My thought is that I am going to end this on MY note, and not let it wither into mutual hate.

Watch, and learn (along with me).

BTW, Lemonman, I haven't seen you posting much on here anymore.......where have you been?

BUMPETY, BUMP, BUMP, BUMP!

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hello LM....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

As for an update, WH stayed last night on the couch because some people were coming today to possibly buy our boat.

Well, they did buy it.

Now he is gone, and he left me a long letter telling me how much he loved me, and that he apologized for not being 100% truthful about his A. He didn't know why that was, but that he was mad at himself for going against his own high standard of honesty.

His problem is that he is not honest with himself.

Hopefully, he can find that again one day.

I already told him that I do not believe him, and I sure don't trust him.

And, I quoted what someone here said....."It would have been better for him to put a bullet in my head long ago, that to kill me with a thousand cuts." And I asked him if he understood what I was saying.

Then, I told him "This has all been said before, and we have gone thru this all before.....too many times. I won't do this anymore".

So, anyway, I'm doing fine. And in some ways it's hard on me for him to be gone, and in other ways, it's a big relief. 33 years is a long time to be with someone. My M was always something I had counted on as being here.

What now......I ask myself.......and I think "onward and upward".

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

{{{K}}} You are doing well. You WILL be fine.

{{{{K}}}}}
I've been away but it sounds like you have been doing great.
Doesn't it feel great to stand up for yourself? You mentioned that you had always had your M to count on, now you have something better...you have yourself! Some how in all the muck we seem to lose ourselves, doubt our instincts, place ourselves low on the priority list. Well I think you've discovered (as I have) that you are a dam fine woman and if he can't see that it is sooooo his loss.

You broke the pattern...your interactions will be different more confident. Be proud of yourself "you done good!"

Thanks ff and confused......

I'm thinking I "done good" so far. This is a whole learning experience for me.

Finding your personal bottom line is the key.

WH said to me the other day (when I told him he needed to leave) that I had put up walls.

I told him that I had not put up walls, that I had put up boundaries. He doesn't know what that means, I guess. I had to find my bottom line before I could find my boundaries.

Something comes to mind that Dr. Phil always says...."GET REAL".

I want to be real, and I want my life to be real. Honest. Good.

Bottom Line.

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

K,

in "my" situation, "putting up walls" had the complete "turning affect".

My husband "understood" that my "words" were not only words but that I was going to "live up" to what I spoke.

I know that this is when he regained respect for me and realized that I was the "strong" one in our relationship. ( I didn't realize that at that time)

I had always thought that my husband was strong until I saw that he had NO direction in his life. He'd say one thing and do something else.

I felt like a fool many times. I asked myself "why" was I always the honest one??? Why was it always so important for me to be loyal and why was I the one that "suffered"?

Well, I know the answers NOW! I was never used to fighting for myself and for what I believed in. But I've learned to do this and Boy does it ever feel good.
It feels great to "stick up" for what I "believe in"!!! and I know that I am respected for this quality, even though I am not always "loved for it".

K, I hope you understand what I am trying to get over to you.

My husband and I are doing our best and our relationship has matured so much.
I just had to learn how to "stand up for my beliefs" and take the steps that I thought were "my best".

Your husband is "walking the wrong walk" but it is up to him to find his direction. I'm more than sure that he doesn't like who he is now and he is afraid to make his own "changes". He's afraid because he knows he is "weak"!

He probably "looks up to you" and he sees your strength. He knows that OW can't reach your qualities!!!!

This is why it is important that you find your direction and go for it!!!!

I'd even compare this situation with raising children. There are times when they become rebellious and loose track. But as a parent if you stay strong and "go your direction" in a loving and calm way, they will "join in" again, when they have had time, but some just need to "experience" being completely on their own and living their own reality until they come back to their sences.

Some are just easier than others..................

I think your WS is a "Hard Nut".............which is even quit understandable. He has NOT had the true dash of reality. He has NOT seen your "True colours"!
He has NOT seen the K, that is prowd, consequent and "Loyal to herself!!!"

In a way, K, I see some simularities in our relationships.
My husband and I would have a discussion/arguement and I would end up feeling terrible about myself. I started to feel afraid and I was scared of being on my own. I was afraid to loose my husband and that OW would end up being with him.
My husband knew the right things to say and he punished me by being silent or resentfull. I felt like a total fool and I was very insecure.
He knew that I loved my home and that my personal things were the world for me, therefore he felt safe that I would "never go".
The day x came and I snatched out of this!!!!!

No way was I going to go on, living this way. If I had to "fight that badely for him" because of OW, then she could have him, if he wanted her. If he had to "lie" because he "thought" this was the right thing to do, then I knew he didn't have a clue about me and that he didn't know who I really was, because the truth is what keeps me alive.........the lies "kill me". If this was what he wanted to "live for".........then "without me" then OW could honestly have him!!!!

If OW and my husband had NO problem about their future "together"............why should I????

I made it clear to my husband that I was leaving this scenary and I was going to "start my own life"........I told him that I was going back to the country I am from because I couldn't /wouldn't take this anymore.

I phoned everywhere and I got my papers ready..........and I was sleeping in our guest room for over 2 weeks. I just wanted to get out of this because I knew life couldn't get worse.

My husband broke down completely. He opened up and even though the affair really ended on d-d he had lied to me. OW had talked with him and he never told me. He "thought" that I'd break-down and he believed that I would never find out about this. He was afraid to "stand up" for what he had promised me: No more lies............honesty!

I learn one real good lesson in this situation. I have learn to "Let Go!" If my husband wants to sneak around.............it is up to him. I have told him that he has to live with this and if he needs this kind of thing..........well great, then he should take a good look in the mirrow and feel prowd about himself!!!!!

But he can choose a different direction and he will find peace and harmony "together with me" if he chooses this path because it the path I want to go.

My husband seems to understand and he's learning everyday, without me telling him what to do.
I've stuck to my words and our life has become peacefull and full of harmony again.

Sometimes I just have to think: Gosh our life is so peacefull, is this all that he really wanted???? It's so simple to have a loving relationship..........why was it so complicated???
I believe that "honesty" makes love easy-going...........nothing more and nothing less.........it was the lies that made this whole situation so terrible and confusing and so painfull!!!

Stay Strong and stay on track and you'll be surprised and thankfull someday for the outcome!!!!!!!
Don't let the weakness of your WS confuse you!!!!!! You're going the right direction!!!!!!

take care
bb

did I say something wrong???

bb

Hi bb.....

NO!!!! You didn't say ANYTHING wrong!!!!!

I've been busy, and haven't really had the time to look on here.

I'm totally in agreement with you about the honesty issue.....it is the most important issue to me.

I think people who lie and sneak around while they are married are making independent decisions for their BS that immensly affect and impact the BS's life, and the BS is having no imput in this decision.

I feel soooooo much better with WH not being here......no more suspicions, no more pain in wondering about the unknown.

I think life is GOOD.

I remember the MC telling WH that he needed to make things to look forward to. I agree, we should all have a vacation, an event, or a special thing to look forward to.

WH also said that he needed to do something just for himself......I could have stood up and screamed that "Wasn't that what you've been doing for the past 4 years?"

But I truly believe that on a daily basis, I look forward to waking up each morning. I look forward to the sun coming up and going down each day. All these things are blessings.

So many things to look forward to, and to NOT take for granted.

But I digress.......I am doing well, and right now, I think WH is trying to play his old game.....trying to get me to pursue him.

Not gonna happen. I know that he liked that game before.....having me and OW both pursuing him. Cake eater!!!! Fence sitter!!!!!

Let OW pursue him! She can have him! I personally don't want a dishonest cheater for my H.

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

So he actually moved out!?!?

You sound good K...like the dark cloud has been removed and a weight has been lifted.

Keep up the good work! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi confused....

Yes, he moved out........my best guess is that he is going to try to come back.....like nothing happened.

On Monday, I told him to leave. I went to work, and my boss said "I'll just bet that he is home when you get off work, and he acts like nothing has happened."

He was right! I asked WH what he was doing, and he said "I don't want to leave. We need to work this out."

So we started having the same old discussion we have always had, with him blaming me for everything, but I kept bringing it back to him still being in contact with OW (you know...the elephant in the room), then I finally said "We just keep going over the same things. It is not going to work."

THAT LITTLE SCENARIO IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN!!!!

He slept on the couch that night. Got up and got in the bed when I left for work.

THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN EITHER!!!!!

People came to look at and buy our boat that day.

When I got home, he had left me a long letter about how much he loved me, blah, blah, blah..... He put the money in HIS savings account to "wait for the check to clear". But half that money is mine (how can that be when it's been put somewhere that I have no access to? I wonder....) and then some more blah, blah, blah...... He was going to drive down the coast to be alone.....blah,blah.....

Never the less, he is gone. It's still a game to him....I told him to leave, he acted like nothing happened, didn't want to leave, wanted to work it out, then left the next day.

So, either now he can say that he left me - that I didn't kick his a$$ out, or he is trying to get me to pursue him.

WHATEVER!?!?!?

I am sure he just thinks he is going to come back home like nothing ever happened.

NOT!!!!!

His mind must look like a tornado........or a big dust devil!

My mind is clear......and I have been enjoying my peace and quiet.

I'm going to be very extravagant today, and drive to town (about 45 miles away), and have my nails done, and do some shopping. With the price of gas, I'll have to keep it close to home as much as possible.

See, there's another good reason for WH to move out.....the price of gas (his commute is 65 miles one way). Think of all the money he will save!!!!!

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k,

get your nails done, get a new pepped up hair style, some new freaky outfits, sexy satin underwear (hang them all over the house, just in case he comes over when you're NOT home)
new perfume...............well if you are in Plan B............you'll have to change the locks or make sure he has NO access to the house...........

fill your house with scented candles...........play your favorite songs whenever possible...............

Oh, and don't forget to change your answering machine!!! Remember, you did that once already......and you did get him thinking! :-)


Keep yourself as busy as possible............You have to learn to "Let GO" ................
You have NO controll over your WS..........you never did and you never will..........whether he is with you or not. It is up to him what he does and if he truely wants this to work, he has to be at it "With his heart"!!!!

You have set your boundaries and he knows very well what has to be done..............

Stay on track K!!!!!!!!!

He has to "miss you" and he has to "Long for you" and he has to see that you are "serious" and that he can no longer play his little games with you!!!!

But he must also realize that you will not "hold on to him" and that he can "go"!!!

Are you now in Plan B????

If so, he has to realize that his behaviour is having NO affect on you because he has NO way to contact you!!!!
He has get the feeling of reality and what his life will be like when you are completely out of his life!!!!!

This is now up to you!!!!!

hugs
bb

Hi bb.....

Went to town, got my nails done, and ran into one of my good friends there. We went to lunch, then went to the GoodWill store on a "treasure hunt".

We laughed and laughed and laughed til our sides hurt. And I ended up only spending $5.00! I had so much fun!!!!!!!

As for my plan, I don't know what you'd call it. My messed up Plan B's before taught my husband that he can manipulate me in so many ways, and that he could still lie to me, and I wouldn't say anything. I taught him to treat me that way. I realize that now.

This time it's different. I don't really think I want to put much energy into trying to work things out again. I've tried everything I know to do, but nothing has worked.

My plan this time is to stick to my guns. He cannot come back here. I do not want to listen to any of his blaming, "poor me", or anything else he has to say.

I'm perfectly fine on my own. I don't even know that if at some point in the future he cleans up his act, and starts flying right that I even want to try to work things out then.

I feel like he broke my heart, and then has been kicking it around like an old can ever since. It's all squashed and dented, and it would really take a miracle to fix it.

But on the other hand, I really had a great day, and now I'm going to dig in and do some real house cleaning and organizing. I'm even kind of excited about it!!!!!

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Well, it is my honest opinion that when you stop hoping for the "miracle" (and I know that deep down inside you are still "hoping") that he fix it you will begin to make lasting changes and heal. YOU are the only ONE who can TRULY fix your heart, so in reality, you are the rate limiting step, not the Wayward... I am purposefully not posting to you on your threads because I know that I can NOT help you with this.

A very BIG part of me thinks this is all "business" as usual for you and that "this time" won't be different than the last 20 times. I can surely dredge up old posts of yours and reproduce exactly what you said this time. Your WH undoubtedly thinks the same thing (and why shouldn't he) , and he is probably just waiting out the storm for a few days before setting sail again.

Now, before you (or others) have a cow in thinking I am being way harsh here or lest the newbies think I am not being "supportive" enough I should emphasize that I want to be dead wrong about you, and I want you to come back here and someday make a post stating "Lemonman, shove it, you were wrong about me!!!!!)......PROVE ME WRONG K..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> JUST DO IT !!!! and DON'T SAY IT !!!!

LM

Haven't had a cow in..........well, never have had a cow!! Don't think I'll start trying to have one now. I honestly GET what you are saying, LM!!!!

And, just to set the record straight, I'm not waiting for WH to fix my heart......I am doing that myself. I'm not waiting around for someone else to do that for me. No one else can.

Like I said, I know deep down that I "taught" WH to treat me that way. And when I finally learned that if I didn't treat myself better, then no one else would. I reached my limit, I tripped over my boundaries, and finally noticed that I actually had some!

My head and heart were so clouded up with ideals and "romantic" ideas of how this should go, that I didn't even know what to do with myself. All talk, no show.

These things I figured out in the last couple of weeks. I asked myself "Just exactly how long are you going to put up with this, K? Just exactly what do you want? Exactly what do you want your future to look like? Am I the one playing the game?"

These are the realities of my mind and heart that I've been dealing with for the past few weeks.

I woke up on Monday. REALLY WOKE UP!!!! It took a lot of self examination to come to this conclusion.

I need to put up, or shut up. I need to either make my life better for MYSELF, or just continue to live in this pathetic existence I had made for myself, and keep my mouth shut about it.

To tell the truth, I had even thought about just carrying on, and let things stay the way they were, and never say another word about it. I have to say, that I can't even believe that I just put that in writing. And it looks even more pathetic on "paper" than it does in my thoughts.

Something "real" woke up in me. I just can't do this to myself anymore. If I lived my life like that, I would end up being one of those people who, when they die, no one hardly even notices that they are gone.

And I have to say to everyone here, that the teaching, support and care from ALL of you has not gone over my head. It finally sunk in.

The three paragraphs I have just written are without a doubt the most profound truths I have ever known about myself. And they are the most important things I have ever told anyone about myself.

My goal now, Lemonman, is to prove you wrong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

My REAL goal now is to prove to myself that I CAN DO IT!!!!

'NUF SAID!

"My REAL goal now is to prove to myself that I CAN DO IT!!!!"


I like that sentence K!!!!! I really do!!!!!
It's amazing to "find out" what we are capable of doing............

I always tell myself that when I leave this earth, I want to be remembered...........I want to think that I did everything in "my" power to say that I lived a life that made "me" happy............I don't want to look back and say: I lived the life that "others" put on to me!!!!

Being "loyal" to yourself is a gift........and if you do it "with love and pride" it will be seen with "love & pride"...... (might take awhile until others see it but it will be seen...........no doubt about that)
Hope that made sence!!!!!

Stay on track, k!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hugs
bb

Bleah, why is it that that we never get to be wrong LM?

Luv' your new attitude. This will certainly do wonders for your personal recovery. Leave the Xws in the dust and don't wait for the cows to come home. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Keep moving forward but make sure you get a good footing 1st. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


L.

I kick around the very same thing. Pathetic maybe but you are not alone. Keep up the journey -- you will give inspiration to people like me.

Tdr

Hi bb, BR, and Orchid.....

Yes, I do have a new attitude, and it has not been an easy one to acquire.

I look back now, and I know that I was thinking the whole time that "I'll do this stuff, and WH will see the light. He will come back to me."

I never did the soul searching about MYSELF in this whole process. I never looked at and improved myself for MYSELF!

I REALLY WAS PLAYING A GAME!!!!!!

And I didn't win.

Now, I KNOW I am going to win.......and it has NOTHING to do with getting my H back. It has to do with ME!!!!

I hope you all understand what I am trying to say here.

I think most of the people who end up coming here think they have found a way to get their WS, and start playing a "game". They do all the work on the surface, and never really look at themselves, figure out what they want, who they really are.

Yes, I was really hurt by what my WH did to me. And all the while, I was trying to change him.....mold him, and figure out what he was doing, what he was thinking, and what he was feeling. My whole process was wrapped up in HIM!!

I WAS DOING THIS FOR HIM!

I wasted a whole year in my own fog. Trying to manipulate a WS into doing what you want them to do is useless. THIS IS WHAT I WAS DOING.

Luckily for me, I FINALLY see the light!!! I DO GET IT!!!

(Clouds fade as light finally dawns in K's heart and mind)

Yes, I am sure Lemonman can dredge up all of my old posts, and they would look similar to this one.

BUT I DIDN'T SEE THEN WHAT I SEE NOW......

I feel ashamed of the game I was playing. But I didn't look at it like that then. I thought MB was a tried and true plan to get the WS to change and see the light, and go back to their BS.

I SEE NOW THAT MB IS A TRIED AND TRUE PLAN TO CHANGE YOURSELF.

If you never see your WS again, if they go and marry the OP and have a wonderful life, so be it. You cannot bend another person to do your will. You cannot change them.

GET REAL!!!! DO A 180 ON YOURSELF!!!! CHANGE YOURSELF!!!!! FIND YOURSELF!!!!!

But do it for YOU!!!!!

Hope I've explained myself well enough so that you understand me......

K