I am posting under D/D but I thought I venture here since there are more poeple here and I do need some support.

My H left 4 months ago (no affair), one month before our 2nd anniversary. We saw a MC at first, but now H said he does want to do that anymore. I thought as long as we saw the MC there was some hope, even though the whole time H kept insisting that he did not want to get back toghether. This week he wrote to me and said he wants only friendship with me, nothing more. I believe he still loves me but he cannot invision his life with me being a happy one.

How can this be? How can he love me and still leave? I don't know what to do sometimes. I feel strong one day and completely weak the next. I have no hope and feel like I am moving on with my life one day and then I want to hold on to hope the next day. How do you stop the pain????

H is visiting family in CA. I talked to him on Monday before the email where he said he just wated separate lives and friendship alone. He was not interested in anything I had to say really although we talked for 1/2 hour.

What is worse is that I cannot get over all the things I did since he left that I now thing have contributed to him finally saying that is it. Yes, I was needy and cried a lot and discussed the R too much. I did not see any other choice then, and now I re-live it all and think if only this and if only that, he might still be interested to work on it.

I have no one to talk to here. I am in a new town and I have no family support. My family basically blames me for being too nice to him and always doing everything for him. Their attitute is that he had it too easy, I showed his how much I loved him, so he did not repect me and that is why he left. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I cannot even talk to them anymore. Now, the only thing that gives me some pleasure are my cats and the last time I spoke to them they told me they will not listen to me speak about my cats, for my own good - so that I don't turn into a "cat lady".

I feel so alone. I go out and hang with some people but there are 24 hours in a day, and the days just keep on going and I don't know anymore how to keep myself busy and not think about it. I am fine some days and feel stronger but then like today it hits me and it is so overwellming that I am a complete mess. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for reading.....

Daisy

Daisy,

I can see you have been posting a whlie but welcome to GQII. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I am sorry for your pain. Your H is highly selfish. Don't be surprised if an A had been brewing. WS babble the same crap.

What have you read to help you?

L.

Dear Daisy

I'm so sorry for your pain. You have actually been at this longer than me. My husband gave me the I don't love you and haven't love you for 10 years speech in June. Just found out a week and half ago that he was actually having an ea. I know how heartbreaking it is when your spouse wants a divorce. Have you seen a dr. for anti-depressents yet? I was shaking so much and had so much anxiety that I told my family dr. who prescribed an anti-depressent. I am feeling a little bit better, a little more in control, but still have the shakes. I don't know when it gets better. Do you suspect your husband is having an affair? Was the seperation and request for a divorce a shock, or were you expecting it? I feel like, after all I have been through with the lying, denying, cheating and lack of respect for me, I no longer have the horrible pain that I once had. I am actually looking at my marriage for what it was, and have taken off the rose colored glasses. There are days where I hate what he has done to me, taking the trusting person that I was, and leaving in place a person that suspects every motive and now look at the woman my husband is nice to, and I feel the knife stab my heart deeper.
Has his behavior changed any in the past few months?? How about his habits? Do you have your radar going off?

I never had reason to suspect an A. About 3 weeks ago I did suspect he slept with someone cause he was acting really strange that day (I did find a hairclip in his bedroom), but even if that was the case, he is gone now and I guess he can sleep with whom ever he wants to now that we are separated. I don't believe there was an PA or a EA when he left. I have no proof.

I know what you mean about taking of the "rose colored glasses". I know we did not have a happy marriage. I mean there were nice times but there was also a lot of pain and hurt and we did really lack communication skills. It was the first R for me and I really did not have the experience that I know now I should have had to make the M last. I know now what changes I need to make to make an R loving and intimate but H does not want to hear about it.

He is not going to give us another chance. I don't really know why I want one since he has hurt me a lot. H has cronical depression. He never told me what he needed always kept it all in and I tried to reach him. I was scared that he would leave me and that was a big mistake. As a result I tried to be there for him but I did not share my pain and I would just keep it all in and resant him for not being there for me and he knew it. I think he feels we cannot be happy together as much as we love each other and so we need to live separate lives. I don't know how to convince him. Fact is, that H is not willing (never was) to work on the M and so I really don't know if we could even fix it. I was not completely surprised that he left. I mean he did talk about separating 2x before (in the 2 months before he left) but we talked it over and found some new hope but H did not want to do anything differently. He does not believe in reading any help books or MC or even working on a R in general. He feels if it needs work then it is not the right R, because if we were compatable it would be smooth as silk.

I made mistakes, so many it breaks my heart to even think about them. I know I hurt him. I guess I was selfish. I know that now. I was not supportive of some of his choices. It was wrong and I would move heaven and earth to take it all back. Why can't he see how much I regret it all???

We hurt each other, but we had some good times and I just want it back...

But then there are times when I wonder why I do. I never insulted him. He did all the time. English is not my native language and he would criticize me all the time. I should have know, seen the red flags, because he did that right from the beginning.
Last year at christmas he told me that the best sex he ever had was with a girl in high school when they did it in his car. It was my fault, I should not have asked him. We were having such a nice time that I just asked without thinking and it hurt so much to hear him say that. It still makes me cry to think that the man I loved would say that. Why do I want this man back?

He is a good man. He will help anyone and everyone when they are in a bad situation. He will help people on the street without reservation. I will miss him....

I just don't want to feel that guilt anymore. I don't want to relive the last 4 months and wonder what if?

Daisy

Orchid,
I must say I started the reading too late. We went to MC one month after he left and the MC recomended reading "7 princiles to make a marriage work". I like the book but H did not. He was angry with me for not thinking he wanted to work on the M but not read the book.

Now I guess like everyone I had hope and started reading divorce busting and some other book about stopping divorce. But I am too late. They say to not argue, not to discuss the R, but I did all that and drove him further away. I hate that I really believe now that had I done what they said 4 months ago we might be working it out. Now there is no hope.

I also read "Naked Intimacy" and that is such a nice book. I think everyone should read it. It is exactly what I want in my life. It talks about being open. I am trying to use it even with my family, but these people are so on a different planet then me that it does not seem to work. Sometimes I think if I could I would just like to go of and live my life without them, never talk to them again and I would be a happy person. I know it sounds horrible, but their presence in my life makes it impossible for me to be a better person as they continuosly try to drag me down to where they are. They are good peopel but the way they choose to live their lives contradicts my way and they can never leave me alone. Anyway, that is a different issue.

I am looking for a book on moving on now. I saw one "rebuilding after your relationship ends". It looked good, but I wanted to keep looking just in case.

Do you have any suggestions on what to read?

Thank you.
Daisy

Good to see you want to improve yourself. Remember there are 2 types of recovery: Personal and marital. Marital requires the effort of both the H & W.

I recommend His Needs/Her Needs by Dr Harley. At the very least it teaches us other ways of communicating with the opposite gender. We may find we are not using the right tools and sending the wrong message.

BTW, guys tend to take longer to digest all this emotional stuff. So be patient. Ws' have come back from worse situations. Each case is different.

take care,
L.

Orchid,
You are right. I have to say that one possitive thing coming from all of this is that I am doing some personal dicovery. It is amazing how a difficult time in your life can open a window that you never wanted to look through and now you are ready to look and take it all in. I have so much growth to do. I am seeing an IC and it has been very helpful. I realize I have not been living the life I wanted and I am ready to fight the confort zone!!!

Daisy

Hi Daisy, thanks for posting to my thread on both GQII and D/D.

My H left four months ago too, and when he left he did not have anyone, so from that stand point we are in the similar situation. Also you said English is not your mother tongue? So I reasonably assume you have moved from another country and your family is not in this country? That is the same for me too.

I wonder if you have done the same thing I did in the past - becoming too dependent on your husband emotionally, b/c this is not your home country. And I wonder if your husband felt it was getting too heavy. That is what H said. Although, then a few weeks after he made the comment about me relying on him too much b/c I did not have family and friends here, H said I have a lot more friends than he does (I do) and H always had to spend weekends with my friends instead of his friends, which he did not enjoy too much.... so maybe he had no idea what the heck he was talking about.

Whatever it is, it does not seem your husband has given you good enough reason(s) to leave you. Maybe b/c he does not really know them? Maybe he is just unhappy b/c he is having mid-life crisis and he is blaming you for this??

Take care Daisy.

H is in school and it is not going as well as he hoped. He found me not suportive and I guess I was not. I guess I found it difficult because he had a different plan every week and that ment that our plans for children where changing every week as well, and it was important to me. Now I may never have children anyway, so all that confrantation seems for nothing... Along with that he was dealing with depression and I was dealing with a lot of stress at work (I wanted to change jobs) and there was just a lot going on. I feel that H basically was getting overwellmed by it all and wanted space... Leaving me was the best way to get space and everything he wanted. I guess he did not want me enough. He has been telling me that he did not want to sacrifice his happiness, and it hurts a lot to hear that, but I don't really want to be with someone who seems me as a sacrifice to his happiness, do I.

I am more than willing to take my share of the blame and work on myself. I am willing to do what I can to make our R strong and loving and happy but he will not let me. My eyes have been open but it is too late for this R.

Daisy

H is coming back from CA on Thursday. I am in conflict. I keep telling myself not to call him but I am worried I will. Yesterday I was in such an awful state that had he been here I would have called his place, even at 3 in the morning.

We do not have children so there really is no reason for contact. It is so sad. I want to work on this M but he does not. I read these posts and it seems like with an A people have some strategies and ways to go. There is no A here and I feel that there is no strategy I can take for H to consider working on the M.

Do I just stop talking to him? Is that the solution? If I contact him will that just be a way for him to see that I am still holding on and push him further away? He said he wanted "friendship alone", should I just move on?
I am haunted by all these questions.

Daisy