4 years ago my husband cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend. I forgave him (sort of) and we tried to move on. He still sees this woman all the time because they have a 7 year old child together. Recently I accidentally ran into some text messages on his phone to her telling her he would call her after he got off work and she could come see him. They have been writing text messages to each other frequently while he is at work, even though he has told me that he's not allowed to be on his phone at work and he won't ever reply to any text messages I send him. They were also talking on the phone once or twice every day while he was at work. So, I started asking questions. The neighbors told me that they see her car at our house almost every time I go to work (he works days, I work swings), sometimes for 2 or 3 hours. They also said that she hardly ever has their child with her. When I confronted him about it, he exploded and insisted I was wrong and they were just friends. But, when I asked him to choose between being friends with her and being married to me, he couldn't choose. After a couple of hours of fighting he finally gave up and said he would stay away from her unless it involved their kid. But, he started erasing his phone everyday and three days later she was at our house again, but only for about 30 minutes. I keep catching him in little lies about it, but somehow he always manages to make me believe that I'm just being crazy. Today I was looking for something under the bed and I found a ton of porno magazines and a male sex toy. Inside one of the pornos I found a naked picture of his ex. He had the picture from when they were together but he told me he had gotten rid of it years ago after I found it the first time.

I don't know what to believe. Every time we get in a fight he tells me nothing is going on and that I'm crazy but I can't get over the feeling that he is cheating on me again. I also made the mistake of telling him what the neighbors had told me so I'm sure he'll be more careful now and I will have a harder time catching him. What do you think? Is he lying or am I freaking out over nothing? What should I do?

Sounds alot like my X

I vote for yes, but I am not there, or in the situation. Where there is smoke, there is usually fire. I see this is your first post, maybe you should venture into the just found out forum.

Personally, I got one f those small tape recorders and taped it under the seat in his car and got all the evidence I needed. You could do the same in his car or in your house. I was scared to death, and shaking when I installed it, and when I retrieved it, but it was worth it to me to find out the truth.

I always caught my X in little lies, that he always tried to cover up and blatently told me I was mistaken. Once I had the evidence, he even denied whole conversations with OW that I would relate to him, and I would relate word for word, he still continued to deny even while I told him what I had taped and had recorder in my hand in front of him. He denied even until I pressed the play button. Unbeleivable, then he got angry and violent, how dare I investigate him!!!!

Every time he lied to me I knew, and every time I would bcome ill. I am so glad I am out of that. I'll pray for you to get the answers and peace you need.

Have you purchased/read "Surviving an Affair" by Steve Harley?, start there

I would say " Yes". His actions and words are typical WS material. Secret text messages, email, secret visits alone, say you are crazy and going off the deep end, porn,etc...Yeap, another WS in action, welcome to the club.

Even if he had no OW. The porn is an issue all by itself. A man can't be faithful to his wife and to his porn. He will cling to one and despise the other, but usually the cling is to his(Porn). It's a way to be sexually stimulated without having any responsibilty or accountability to the one you have the strong visualization towards. Men are moved by site more than touch.

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Catching my exww

I remember when my exww was doing strange stuff. One night she was on her cell @2:00am on a weeknight. I awoke and said who are you talking to? She said her boss that took a flight overseas to Italy, and its cheaper to talk at night. I said oh' ok and went back to bed. I didn't know what an affair was at the time, duh?

Then as time went by, I felt her getting distant with me and cold, it was weird. She started going to work earlier, coming home later, taking excersing classes, got her a private cell phone, private bank accounts, etc. She said since we were married 17 years and always had everything joint, she said " hey how about I get a little independence" I said oh sure why not you desire it".

Then oneday with my head in my hands saying something is going on in this house, but what? I was lost and puzzled. I then approached her and said, something is going on. I noticed you on the phone at night more often. I see you on the Internet more often late at night. I said it's almost as if you were in conversation with somebody I don't know, but I'm not trying to accuse you..

Boy, she roared back " (HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF SUCH A THING!!) I said oh no!, what have I done? I have just accused the woman of my dreams of messing around. So I went and apologized, repented, flowers, etc....I felt bad for weeks..I felt like I was losing it and going crazy.

So her same activity stayed the same and I now left it alone. I would go near the PC and she would close the screen when I came near and I say who are you talking to?, she said, so and so, and by the way she said hi. I said ok tell her hello also.

Then oneday, I was in my bedroom back to the same point of scratching my head, saying what is going on in this house? Then as I was sitting in my bedroom staring at the wall, I looked down to floor and saw a bag my exww carried every day. And sticking out the top was a paper, so being curious what it was, I looked at it and it was a chat room conversation of her and OM!

When I read that thing I bout passed out on the floor, it was so painful to me. Then after 4 days I exposed her, but she kept going, until there was 5 OM I had to deal with total.

So I would say more than anything read the information on this MB site and get the facts regarding what's really happening in your marriage. Don't make decisions based on assumptions.

Get the facts and truth, it will keep you from getting thrown a curb that a lying WS does that keeps you in denial of what you're really seeing. It also keeps you from making any false accusations or making things worse if you're trying to save your marriage.

Now that he knows you're on to him, he will be more careful, but at the sametime they do slip up and get sloppy.

With WS's, in time it becomes too much work to sneak with OP and too much to hide from the spouse. It's just like a thief that leaves his drivers license at the crime scene. They forget they are a thief, just like a WS forgets they're married.

Thank you for your advice. It is so good to hear that other people find this behavior suspicious too. He makes me feel like I really am going crazy and I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but the feeling just keeps coming back. I need some advice on what I can do to find out the truth. We have two kids together and I'm afraid this tension is affecting them too. My daughter told me the other day that she likes it when her sister comes to our house, but she doesn't like it when her sister's mom comes over all the time. When I told him about that he said I must be feeding our little girl's head full of garbage and I better knock it off so she doesn't get hurt, but I've never said anything about it to my daughter. I just don't feel it's right to query my children about this. She came up with it all on her own. I guess since she's only 4 he thinks she's blind and can't see what's going on.

I will definately try the book. I'm up for anything that can help me at this point. I'm sick and tired of feeling helpless and clueless about this. I've thought about trying to record him or even put a video camera in the bedroom to see what I can see, but I'm afraid. Can anyone tell me what else I can do? Should I be posting this to the Just Found Out forum? Thank you so much for listening.

dont be afraid. Dont give him that power. You deserve to know the truth and if he wont give it to you, or you feel uncomfortable with his explanations, then find out on your own. The tape recorder was really very easy, the first time I put it in his car gave me all the info I needed.

Take care,
Dawn