I need some help with Plan B. We have been married for a long time and have some beautiful kids. WH had an EA which began in April 2004, or earlier, and turned into a PA over the summer of 2004. D-day came in Sept, and over the course of a few days I found out about the EA, but didn't "know" about the PA until May of this year. OW works at the same company but not where WH and OW would need to meet on anything. There is accidentally bumping into, maybe once a week. We separated for a month , during which time he didn't date OW and came home for SF 2 times. WH told OW (in person) that he needs to come back and see where things are with us. She assured him that she would be there when he was done. Since coming back, actually the whole time, I have been plan A'ing but this is getting absolutely nowhere. WH wishes that I would meet someone else (probably to ease his guilt). He claims he has had one one contact with OW on August 18, which lasted about 2 minutes. WH just can't find any want to stay, besides the kids and financial security. He says he has absolutely no feelings for me. He can tell everyone else he wants a D, but can't tell me that. As hard as I have been trying to make things work, I feel like Plan A is not working and now I need to start moving on to the next step. WH thinks we need to either have a real separation (before he stayed with his parents) or a D. Obviously I would choose a real separation over D.

So, how do I get started on coming up with a Plan B? I have read this site and SAA but it sounds so overwhelming. I want this to have the least amount of impact on my kids (5,2). Does WH have to be physically out of the house to accomplish this? Do you set up rules like no dating (OW), etc or do you act like this is a D in all senses?

If this story sounds familiar, I have posted here for a month under a different userid since WH knows of this site.

What has been the nature of your PLAN A? What ENs were you addressing? How long have you being doing this?

What about exposure? Is she married? Are there folks at the job that need to know about this?

Your WH is using the standard WS script. Sounds like to me that your PLAN A was actually being effective. It did not bring about an end to the A. However, he has not made his own decision to leave you either. Standard WS, he is trying to get you to throw him out, ask him to leave, etc... For now, I would continue to tell him that you want to work on your marriage. Don't hand him to her on a silver platter...

For plan A I have been doing things for me, like working out (which he does all the time anyway), trying to eliminate love busters and have done a good job overall. We listed our needs according to HNHN, and his top 4 were Honesty, Physical appearance, recreational companionship, and SF. As I said, I joined the gym and workout often (great stress relief), I have tried to set up dates such as tennis, mini golf, dinner but he goes into them dreading spending time with me (without the kids), and he will agree that SF have done a complete turnaround for the better. As soon as I found out of D-day, I evaluated our relationship (before reading HNHN) and identified areas that needed improving, which happen to be what he identified as his EN. So it has been almost 11 months of this.

As far as exposure, my siblings know, his parents, his sister, and 2 friends. I know I need to expose OWH but WH and OW have said they are so far gone already. She is almost D, and her new place should be ready in October or so. I asked WH about his HR dept and it consists of him and a lady under him. Don't think exposure there would be too effective.

So, do I keep this up? It is so draining on me and I honestly don't know how much more I can do. Right now I am ultimately doing it for my kids because of the hurtful things he has said to me. That's what I get for asking for honesty.

Definitely need to expose to OWH ASAP. The OP in my case wasn't married so I don't know much about that.

I do know that they are probably lying to you about her situation with her H. Give the OWH the option of working on his marriage. He will be a valuable ally to you..


Maybe change your topic to EXPOSURE QUESTIONS. I see that as a next important step....

Mimi suggest I change my topic to exposure questions, and so I have... What happens if what WH and OW say are true, there is no hope for their marriage? What then?

I think you need to have a PRIVATE MEETING with the OWH and lay it all out to him without her knowing about the meeting...

After talking to WH on the phone, it really seems that all he wants is a D or separation. I haven't exposed to OWH's yet, but not sure if that would do any good. He just doesn't "want" to be in the relationship anymore. What do I do? Go ahead with it? This has been going on for 11 months. I just feel so lost right now.

Your WH isn't any different than any other WS...As long as he is having an A, he will not "want" to be with you....

EXPOSE to the OWH ASAP....

Time is not an issue.

My FWH's A lasted longer than two years....

Mimi - What do I do if he says that this isn't going anywhere and we need to do something? Do we do "something" like separate, or do I try to hold on longer and see where that takes us?

Do not listen to him. Develop your own plan. Do not assist him in leaving you. He must leave on his own! Don't leave him the "out" of justifying this by saying that you agreed to this. At this point, at least until full exposure to OWH, I would tell him; "I want us to continue to work on our marriage. We cannot work on our marriage living apart".

If he chooses to leave, do I keep doing plan A or go to plan B?

And what do I do to work on my marriage if he doesn't lift a finger in return?

crazyfool,

Don't take the easy road and NOT expose to the OWH. Despite what you have heard, the fact that his wife is in an active A with your husband may play out in their divorce if you live in a fault state. If it won't harm anyone by exposing, you have nothing to lose and a LOT to gain.

Quote:What do I do if he says that this isn't going anywhere and we need to do something

Don't base ANYTHING on what your WH "says" but on what he does. If your attitude or position change on every piece of garbage coming out of his mouth, it will drive you crazy. Remember, the average WS is based on the emotional level of a 6 year old child.

Crazy (I hate calling you that) you said:



You were kidding right? He won't work on the marriage until he is rid of the OW, goes through withdrawal, etc.

He hasn't left yet.

This is a process that involves time and patience...

I'll check back with you later on this evening.

Can anyone tell me how much detail I should go into? Should I ask to meet in person or lay it all out there on the phone? Should we keep in touch?

Read Gramn's thread. You might find helpful suggestions there. He did such exposure...

crazy, I would write out talking points of areas you know you need to cover with the OWH so that in case you get frazzled you can look at your notes. Tell him as much as possible and ask him to meet with you. Make sure he has your phone # and invite him to stay in contact with you. Tell him about MB and about your plan to bust up the affair and save your marriage.

I would then plan on exposing the affair at work tommorrow to your H's boss and the HR director. Whatever you do, DO NOT forewarn your H.

I called OWH last night. OW answered the phone and I asked for him. I told him that his wife was having an affair, gave details and told him I thought he should know. He said thanks, but we are just about divorced and hung up. That was the end of that.

Did you disguise your caller ID?

ok, are you ready to expose them at work? Any other good exposure targets, such as his parents, close friends? If so, I would plan on doing it all in one fell swoop. Just make up a list of key targets and start calling all in one day.