osxgirl, are you there?

I have been reading Love Lost, the book you recommended. It's a great book osxgirl. Thank you so much for your advice. The funny thing is that initially it was very hard for me to keep reading, as I started to cry. I was always looking for some stories where couples got separated but some miracles happened and they got back together or some sort. But this book is not about miracles, it is about how separation/divorce affects you and even the one who decided to leave deeply, and the natural emotional reactions, and how to cope with such pains. So I was just crying at the beginning as I felt the book is telling me OVER and OVER that there is no hope for my marriage and I just need to accept it.

After going through very emotional week last week and this past weekend, however, I have a little more capacity to accept the reality (not easy though), and when I was reading yesterday and this morning on the train, I managed not only to not cry, but also to really digest what is being said.

I just spoke with H this morning. He called me on my cell so I returned his call at work.

H said he contacted the mediator. I told him I don't think it's fair for me to pay half, and also cannot simply afford it b/c I have so many bills. H remained calm and said would transfer some of the items still billed to our mutual credit card, which I have been paying, and also said
"Milk, I will make it simple with this mediator and make it what I think fair".

I don't know what that means, and am scared of what he is going to say to the mediator. Also I know now it is REALLY happening. We are divorcing. The man who vowed to love me the rest of his life and said would not know what to do with his life without me, is moving on with his life without me. H made the decision and there is nothing I can do to change that.

I knew this is going to be a hard week, but guess when it comes to your own marriage, no matter how much you pray and think of the worst to prepare yourself, you can never be ready for it.

If you are still around I would love to hear from you osxgirl.

MS -

Glad it is helping. I didn't really see it as one to either give you hope or tell you it was over. Just to help you deal with the emotions you are going through, and how to cope with the pain.

I wish I could help more, but I probably won't be around the boards much for a while now. I just found out last week I have a health problem I have to deal with - called pseudotumor cerebri. Basically, there's excess spinal fluid that ends up compressing the optic nerves in the back of the eyes. You can lose vision really fast with this, though fortunately I haven't had any vision loss yet. Massive migraines though - I've had migraines for a number of years, but they've been a lot worse the past few months, evidently because of this problem.

Anyway, I have a lot of tests and stuff to go through, and probably won't be online as much. I only found out Thursday, already had an MRI on Friday, am just about to head out to a neurologist appointment, and I have to get a spinal tap sometime in the near future.

I hope for the best for you though. And keep coming here - I know there are plenty of other people that can help with advice and support too.... And I'll try to pop in when I can.

Hi osxgirl -

I am so sorry to hear about what you just discovered. You sound very calm, and again I am amazed at your strength. You have a special gift, and you need to continue to see things in your life b/c your strengh gives hope to others. And I am so glad to hear that you haven't had any vision loss. Now that you know what you have, I am sure they can help remove the excess fluid that is causing the problem.

I remember you said your family lives very far - is there anyone who can come to help you out? Maybe you have a lot of friends through church.

Thanks for your support osxgirl. Please know that you have helped me tremendously much, even though I am still acting very whiney. I hope one day I can be as strong as you.

And please take care of yourself. I know I am replying to you as I say this, but try to limit your computer viewing.

It may sound strange b/c I am not a Christian yet, but I am praying for your recovery.

Thanks again.