My wife (Undo) has been in NC since the beginning of July. The A lasted about 3 months (once a week) which evolved to a PA toward the end. According to her she does not miss him but does wonder how he is doing (he had emergency bypass surgery at the end of A and almost died). She has a friend that knows the OM that usually sees him once a week. Undo recently talked to her friend (first time in about a month) and felt it was a trigger. Undo is concerned as to whether she should talk to her friend anymore because she feels that she will use her as a source for information on the OM as to how he is doing, if he’s moved out of state yet, etc.

It’s obvious that she is still in WD (and she agrees), but I think some things need to be straightened out. She mentioned that she thinks she is still in WDs because she has triggers and the urge to find out how he is doing. I disagree about the “triggers” part. I think triggers are pretty much going to last for a VERY long time, but it does not mean that she is still in WD. I still have triggers about some of my old girlfriends, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to call them.

So the questions are…

Do you think triggers are a sign of WD? Should Undo continue to talk to her friend or should she wait? If she waits, how long till she should be able to talk to her friend? What are signs of the WD phase being over?

I don’t think she should give up her friendship, but by admitting that talking to her creates urges I think it should be put on hold. Undo tried to tell her friend never to mention the OM in anyway, but that failed a few seconds later when her friend said, “I won’t mention who, but someone has been asking about you.” Yeah, what part of “don’t mention anything about the OM” was confusing? I have my own issues with this friendship, but that’s another story.

{{ BUMP}}

My wife's first WD's took about 3 months. We knew she was over the WD when she came across a trigger that did not affect her like it used too. She came across the trigger (a group photo) and just had a "whatever" attitude and didn't skip a beat. Now that we found out that the OM died it has created a different kind of WD for her and she is grieving for the loss.

Your wife will need to let you know when she has triggers that create urges so that you can both look at them and see how often they are occuring and how to avoid them if possible. Over time urges will become less frequent and eventually they will go away - but never the triggers. There will always be reminders.

The friendship should be put on hold till the urges are gone. Could take up to 6 months or longer before that happens. If the friend can't respect your wife's wishes about not talking about OM then she has to have NC with friend. The triggers and urges will never go away if she stays in the picture and constantly reminds her of OM, especially if she talks about "you know who". Healing just won't happen if you keep picking at the wound.

Our MC told my wife to avoid certain friends that created urges to contact or inquire about OM. One friend in particular hasn't been spoken to for nearly 6 months. She says that it's too strong of a reminder and doesn't want to risk going through the WD again.

The 'triggers' will continue on long past the end of withdrawl. But, they DO fade in frequency and strength over time, as long as NC stays in effect.

Withdrawl itself is of course variable, depending on a number of factors. Personally Undo, if you're truly ready to work on your marriage, then don't worry about labeling what you're going through at the moment. Just recognize that the hard times WILL get better, and that as long as both of you are working on re-building your relationship that the OM will fade more and more over time.

As far as your friend...well, if she's making comments like "someone you know was asking for you" it sounds to me as though she was enabling the affair. If so, then I would seriously suggest that you either 'lay down the law' about talking about ANYTHING to do with OM, or break off that friendship while you heal. And then worry about it once you've moved further down your own healing.

Stick to the friendships that are uplifting and help to BUILD your marriage, not the ones that take away from it. Just my thoughts.

Owl,



I could create a whole new thread on that comment.

Hopeful,

I totally agree with Owl, as usual.

""“I won’t mention who, but someone has been asking about you.” Yeah, what part of “don’t mention anything about the OM” was confusing? I have my own issues with this friendship, but that’s another story.""

I too have issues with this "friend"!! Sounds like she is just out of junior high school!! She is in her own little world of drama and intrigue and cannot see the seriouseness of the sitch. A FRIEND SHE IS NOT!!!

Fill your life with mature dedicated friends. No need for this one in your life.

k

LittleBob & Owl, thanks again for your suggestions and support.

I am committed to rebuilding our marriage, and was actually a little apprehensive to talk to my for fear that she would talk about the OM... which she did in a round about way. I almost felt a sense of breaking NC... and I hated that. I had already made up my mind before hanging up with her that this is not a good idea and that I should not call her for a while. She was my "lady friend" in her 60's who called me her friend... I hate loosing that since I do not have many friends. Maybe by going to IC I can see if that friendship was a healthy one for me or not, I suspect not. Since as much as I hate to admit it Owl... she was enabling the A.

I will not let ANYTHING or ANYONE come between me and Hopeful4Future relationship ever again. I hate that this even happened since I love him so much it is so hard to comprehend what I've done to him. The guilt that washes over me like sewer scum that hangs around, no matter how many times you try and wash it off is so unbearable at times.

I just can't wait for us to get through this... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Undo

I can totally understand your feeling of "can't wait for us to get through this...", Undo, but I really feel a need to caution you.

My wife too felt/feels that need in a big way. She's been SOOOO ready for us to be 'over it' for months and months. But it's not always that easy for the BS...it really isn't. I like to think that I'm an intelligent, sensitive, reasonably decent looking guy. I am thoughtful and caring and loving. But after what I've gone through, the self-doubt is overwhelming at times. My wife is 'through with it'...she's over the affair, and feels totally recovered from it. I'm still dealing with it. Not nearly as bad as it was, but it's still there. And on the rare occasion when it comes up that I'm still dealing with it, it hurts my wife to know that.

So take your time in re-building things...it's going to take hard work and a LOT of love, and of course patience. It's not going to be completely 'over with' tomorrow, or the day after. Honestly, it won't be all 'over with' next month, or the month after. Pace yourself, and set your expectations that it WILL get better pretty quickly...but the last parts of it are going to take time to heal, just like a broken bone.

I commend you on your attitude. It's nice to see someone take responsibility for her actions and want to work to set things right. You ARE a good person...don't forget that.

I'm also impressed that you could admit that your friend did enable your affair...and while it may hurt to lose that person as a friend, it's really going to be an important step in healing your marriage. It will be a measurable act that your husband can SEE where you are making the effort to make things right now. He needs that now more than you know.

Hang in there...you two WILL make it.

Undo - I went through the same thing early in recovery - many friends who didn't really know what was happening, but didn't tell me to run, Greg made me give up.

At first I was resentful as I hardly had any friends...but then I realized that keeping these people in my life wouldn't be good - that they never helped me make the right choices...they never helped me pick my husband.

Undo - are you Christian? I think you said you were - one of the first things I did was join a small group for women through my church. I haven't yet became close friends with any of them - but being surrounded by women who all have problems, who all are mothers, etc is so refreshing and warm. And the nice thing is - their focuses are on marriages, the bible, home...the right things.

I also started to get more involved with my children's activities - try to meet more moms there and I look for morals and characteristics that I want in friends.

Sometimes I feel snotty but it's part of my own protection - i want to be full of morals, stregth, itegrity and all that - and so I need to surround myself with people that are like that.

My H once told me - if you have around druggies, more than likely one day you will be one...I believe that saying...it doesn't mean I don't befriend people that aren't exactly what I am looking for, but for those whose character isn't what I was looking for (I am not looking for perfect friends - I want friends who make mistakes and learn from them, and encourage the right things) for those who aren't like that - I do try to help them, but am very careful in what I reveal and share about myself...

Get out - meet new friends - friends that will help guide you in life, support you and help you do the right things. Those friends are keepers, and ones that will help your marriage flourish.

Dorry,

Undo is faithful (catholic) and I... well, I don't know what I am. I was baptized when I was 11 and now consider myself agnostic (definitely not atheist).

Right now I have my own inner battles with God. I ask how he could let this [email]b@stard[/email], who knew she was married, approach my wife. This [email]b@stard[/email] assisted her in drifting from her morals and beliefs and now she hates herself and feels disgusted at times. If I die today, God and I are gonna have words. I do want to make peace with God, but right now I just can't. Still too pissed off about too many things. My anger is very misdirected right now.

I would completely support my wife if she wanted to attend church, and eventually I would, but like I said... still too pissed off.

Well, it's interesting how things make you look at your fait sometimes. I've been a 'born again' Christian for about 10 years now. But, my wife and I have had a hard time finding a church home here. When my wife was in the throes of her affair, she waffled between being convinced that God had put OM in her life, and in losing her faith completely feeling that God had left her.

When d-day hit...I started praying hard. And that week I saw a LOT of answered prayers. He had His hand in the whole recovery of our marriage, I have no doubts.

But, He also LETS us make our own choices, remember? He didn't make the situation happen...and I'm willing to bet that if you look back now, you'll see little miracles all through it...points where something COULD have been worse, but for some reason wasn't.

Perhaps He also provided this to the both of you as a 'wake up call' on the danger your marriage was in? I believe that's what happened in my case. And He allowed things to proceed just as they did for a reason...I think that if I had found out earlier, my wife would have blown off my fears and the affair would have gone on MUCH longer. It HAD to get as bad as it did, for BOTH of us to realize the danger.

Don't lose faith. He really is with both of you...trust me, I KNOW He is. Right now.

Hopeful,

Dude,

Don't blame God for "letting" the guy appoach her. I think the other Side sent him to her and ""Undo is faithful (catholic)"" she was not as strong in her faith as she should have been.

God is not the problem here!!

""My anger is very misdirected right now.""

You got that right!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

Ya know Krusht, you’re right, my fate was NOT that strong at that time. Matter of fact, I was mad as he** at him. My mom was in the middle of chemo and radiation treatments for cancer. And I, being the dutiful daughter and oldest helped her through this horrible time. I had to see all the wonderful things god had done to someone who had done nothing to deserve this. So yeah… my faith was shaky at that time. That’s one of the reason’s why I felt I had no where to turn when the A was going on. You could say I was “easy pick’ins” for the dark side.
As far as blame, I know where the blame falls… and I HATE IT! God, I hate it. I want to find my way back to him, I really do. But I just don’t know if I can right now.

Undo

Let me share a thought my wife came to realize on the subject of her 'walking away from God'...

Even when you turn away from Him, He never turns away from you...you don't have to find your way back to Him...He's already right there beside you. All you have to do is to reach for Him... The path back to Him is NEVER as far as the one you traveled away from Him!

Thanks Owl... you made me all teary eyed, but in a good way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I do feel like he here, but sometimes I feel he just doesn't hear me.

Undo

undo- pray for strength for you- pray that god grabs her heart and turn her away from him and back to you.
My dauighter said- life and death is with the power of the tongue- shes right- I was so angry that I said to God - please let him feel and suffer for how he made me feel when he moved in with OW. - my daughter said be careful what you ask for it may not work the way you think.
I have to keep my heart right and he is granting me little by little relief- and I know my WH is not living how he wants or thought it was going to be.
If he doescome back- how do i know its really to work on marraige- faith, because things arent going right with OW- faith, etc.
The only thing guaranteed in life is life and death- but we still have hope.

WinterKisses,

I’m so sorry to hear about your WH living with OW. That has to be so hard on you and your family. I can’t even imagine being in your shoes. You’re strong lady by keeping your heart right. And you seem to have some faith in your WH… I hope for your sake he’ll find his way back home. Keep that positive outlook.

Undo