H and I spent a lot of time together this weekend. Friday evening on my way home from work I stopped by his place. He has often complained that I don't acknowledge the progress (albeit small most of the time) that he does. So I thanked him for being patient with me when I 'freak out'. I acknowledged his 'trying'.

I tried to let go of the 'terms' while we spent a little time together. 1) To remind him how much fun we always have together and 2) To give it all a chance to sink in so he can be comfortable with it all. Saturday night we went to a concert and Sunday night we sat on the sofa and watched TV. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Like old times.

Last night we went to a movie and when we got back to his place we watched a little TV and then I asked the question. It has been a week since I emailed them the list of terms. I wanted to know what he has decided/thought about it all.

His thoughts:

- He doesn't think that the NC letter is necessary at this point. It has been some time since there has been any real communication between him and OW. I have seen the occassional (missed) call from her on his phone but I'm getting a good feeling about this actually being over.

- He is not refusing MC but he is not agreeing to MC. He still doesn't see how it will help.

- Why exchange passwords? He doesn't want to read my email and he's not hiding anything. I explained that it is about opening our lives to each other. I also told him that I have no intention of being with somebody if I think I have to waste the rest of my life snooping and following them around.


I decided that I would not initiate contact between us and let him 'pursue'. He just sent me a text message asking me if I'd like to go camping with him this weekend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, comments? advice?

Bluntly, it sounds like he still has no desire to meet any of your requirements. He's come up with reasons not to do any of them...what does that tell you?

Thanks Owl.

I know and I’m not trying to make excuses, but the only thing he is refusing is the NC letter. Is that really necessary when time has passed and I feel pretty confident as far as that is concerned?

I’m adhering to my boundaries but is it okay for us to be friendly for the time being? If he hasn’t agreed and things aren’t in motion by next Monday (2 weeks after terms sent) then I am going dark again.

I’m just cautious because I don’t want him to think that I’m ignoring his efforts. I’m really starting to see my H and not my WH again.

H went out to his favorite hangout last night...did some thinking and drinking, sent me text messages. I ended up at his place to talk pretty late last night.

He told me that he wants me to bring the questionnaires over today and that he is willing to try counseling. He wants to fix things.

He received a text message around 12:30 a.m. I don't know what came over me but I had to know who would be sending him texts at that hour. He got mad at me and really worked up and told me that if I look at his phone then I should just forget about it and get out...he was tired of my snooping.

I asked him if he really meant that and he said no.

Then he said, "I don't care, do whatever you want. But if you leave don't ever come back."

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Okay...so I stuck around and stayed up thinking while I let him sleep. I also looked at his phone...it was a friend responding to a greeting he had sent earlier in the night.

He was gone when I woke up this morning. He sent me more texts addressing what happened last night. He's still into taking steps to figure 'us' out.

Everything is progressing nicely. H has agreed to all terms except for the NC letter. He flat out refuses. He says he is not in contact...that he is done with that. It has been some time since contact...a couple of months. I know OW has attempted contact with him once or twice via phone and he with her once or twice...but not in the last two weeks. I feel pretty confident on this issue.

Is the NC letter an absolote necessity? Is this worth my making an issue about if I have a good feeling about his not being in contact with her?

Newlywed,
I am no expert but be cautious. Refusing the NC letter is an indicator he is not ready to commit to M. My WH has yet to do his NC letter "Its silly". That response sends the message to me that he is not ready to close that door yet and he is more concerned about OW feelings then my feelings.
Be cautious...I don't think you are in recovery yet, it sounds like he is throwing crumbs to keep you on the string while he sits on the fence. Thats my .02 worth because I see similar behaviors from my WH

Confused - Yes, he thinks it's silly and unnecessary.

We've made a lot of progress...spending time together making deposits... He's opening up and talking to me. He's willing to do the other things. How do I convince him that this is important?

You're asking the wrong question. The question you need to ask is how do you convince yourself that this is important. Until you are convinced that you need the NC letter before you even consider taking this faithless man back into your life, he will know he can make excuses and make you doubt yourself. The NC letter is not going to be more important to him than it is to you. If you convince yourself that the NC letter is important, it will be easy for you to say, honey I love you and want to restore our marriage-when you are ready to send a NC letter, give me a call and we'll get started.

Make it clear to him that while he may feel that the letter is 'silly and unnecassary' to him, it's not to you. That it is a step he can take to reassure YOU that he's doing all the right things to fix your marriage. Even if he feels it's a waste of time, it won't be in your eyes. It will be a big deposit in your LB if he does so. But NOT doing so still makes you feel like he might be holding that door open for in the future...what you want to see him do is take some DEFINITIVE ACTION in burning the bridge between him and OW. You need to see that part of your lives ENDED once and for all, and that it will help YOU to move forward in recovery...even if he thinks that it wouldn't matter since NC is already in place.

And make it clear to him what you're looking for in the NC letter, and clear that you want to be copied on it and see it before it is sent to make sure that it says what you BOTH want to see in it.

Newlywed55,

Just as their can be no progress from MC when an active A is in force, there can be no R if a balking WS refuses the NC letter.

It is not the "silly" letter's refusal that should have you worried , it is the obvious subterfuge that you "see" from your lying husband during this time.

If it was truly " silly", he then should have absolutely NO reason to refuse.

Assume the best, prepare for the worst.

Good luck, you are in my prayers

Thank you all for your responses. It sounds like I need to stick to my guns and expect that he write a NC letter. I will continue to let him know this.

It’s tough though because I don’t want to sound like a nag. I wish I could just say, “Call me when you’ve written it.” However, I’ve been staying at his place the last week or so (Our old place…I moved out.) because I can no longer stay where I was. I’m not really in a position to be able to afford an apartment of my own and since things between us have become much better the last few weeks, I’ve kinda ended up back there. I was considering staying at one of those weekly-stay hotels but I don’t want to make things worse by going back, leaving again, going back, leaving again….like I did after D-day and before I discovered MB.