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Have you talked with a lawyer about all this? What advice have you received?

I, personally, wouldn't do anything without having all the options laid plainly in front of me. Is her work schedule and current life style choices in the best interest of the kids? Will she be around? I also think that separation of this nature will lead in a different direction than reconciliation. Thus I ask, by doing this are you and the kids getting a better or worse deal than you'd get if you went to court for divorce?

The other thing I ask you to consider since this is all so new and fresh is this. A lot of what you've said is based on a feeling, moreover a feeling that you perceive her to have or lack. Feelings change by the month, week, day, hour and second. Any type of separation or setting up a second household is going to require substantial assets. Further, once set in motion, changes will occur to you, your wife, and your children that may not be reversable. Have you considered investing that money in some serious marriage counselling before taking this step?

This is definately a life changing decision and with so many peoples lives hanging in the balance, it deserves your best study with a wise decision not simply based on a feeling....

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Bump

Anyone else have any help to offer

Why have not exposed this affair to the OM's girlfriend?
Exposing the affair is absolutely essential. What you have done by not exposing the affair is enable the affair to continue. You have sent a message to the OM that there are no consequences to his actions and therefore no reason not to continue the affair. The fact that she admitted sleeping with him 4 times and then claiming she said it out of angry does not wash. I think she told you the truth and she did sleep with him. Expose the affair to the OM's girfriend. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want someone to tell you?

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Well, I think OM is lying to your W about the threats. Did you expose at their workplace as well?

Please cut the LBs out and don't expect your WW to show you anything but confusion right now. NC is necessary for the WS to go through withdrawl and return to being just a spouse again. She is going to bounce back and forth like a yo-yo with her emotions while in the midst of her A.

She's not truly committing to you because any affair (but ESPECIALLY EA's) are very addictive. She may want to be with you, but she continues waffling back and forth between you and OM.

What needs to happen is some kind of DRASTIC measure to end contact between her and OM. Have you considered exposing this to their superiors at work? If she's slept with him (regardless if SF has occurred) that is a clear breach of conduct. Regardless, I think you're right on the money about her needing to find a new job or take a leave of absence for a while.

My wife went through an online EA...I know how hard they can be to deal with my friend. But hang in there...it CAN get better.

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Bump.... need some help here please.

I think you are making a huge mistake in seperating from your W and entering into a dissolution. You cannot work on your marriage if you are not there. You are making decisions that will have permanent damage to resolve a temporary problem. By moving out of your house, you pretty much ensure that she will be able to carry on her affair unimpeded. Do you realize that? Bringing this problem into the legal arena has only unneccessarily elevated it to a new and threatening level that increases your chances of divorce.

Luz, if I were you, I would back off completely. Give your marriage a chance. Tell your W that you are not going to discuss seperation of any kind, you will only discuss ways to fix your marriage. She may not agree right now, but with alot of work, she will come around.

Instead of wasting all this time and energy on lawyers, why not give Steve Harley a call and have him assess your situation and give you a plan?

p.s. DO NOT agree to tell your W that you are snooping on her. That is ridiculous and would defeat the entire purpose.

If you decide to stay and not throw away your marriage, you have some EXCELLENT exposure opportunities surrounding this doctor. You have the man by the balls as he knows you can ruin his reputation by exposing him to the hospital board. You OWN him.

Keep in mind that there is nothing wrong in snooping on someone who is actively engaged in wrongdoing. She is not entitled to the privacy to destroy you behind your back. You have a right to protect yourself from her.

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Luz, the greatest threat to your marriage is the AFFAIR, not exposure. You say that she cannot forgive you for exposing her, but that won't matter when you get divorced over an affair that was not busted up when you had the chance.

The truth is that seperation only increases your chance of divorce and makes it much harder to ever salvage your marriage. You are ADDING new problems to existing ones by moving out of your house. Not to mention the fact that you are essentially FACILITAING their affair by moving out. As the father, you should be at home doing everything in your power to SAVE your marriage and keep your family INTACT. You are doing none of that.

I do understand your dilemma and see you making a HUGE mistake that does nothing to resolve the problems in your marriage. You are adding fuel to the fire with this path. That is a big dilemma, my friend.

p.s. have you ever considered putting your emotions aside and giving Marriage Builder's principles a try? It is a pretty successful program that has saved numerous marriages. Why not give it a try before you throw everything away?

Okay Luz...I'm going to throw in my 2 cents here, and see if I can provide you with any clarity. First, I'd like to start off by telling you that I am a FWW(former wayward wife). I tell you this so that you can understand the perspective that I am approaching your situation from. Additionally, I have talked to my H about your turmoil so that I might get a better grasp of your views. So it is from both of those vantage points that I now post to you...

I am going to try and give you direct and concise instruction here, because it is my belief that when things are falling apart around you, absolute and definitive direction can help to provide some feeling of stability. MB principles regarding infidelity give you back some control of your own life in a world steeped with so much uncertainty. The principles do, however, require a full commitment on your end in order to be used in the most effective way. So, Luz, what you now must decide is whether or not you are 100% on board with trying to recover your marriage...no more waffling, either you are in or out, what's it gonna be? Your marriage is quite possibly very savable, but your W is not the dependable one right now and can't make responsible choices, so unfortunately, it is up to you to step up to the plate for both of you and your boys. If you can accept this responsibility, then no matter what the outcome, you will be able to keep your integrity and know without a doubt that you did everything possible to hold your family together. Assuming that you choose this path, here are the necessary steps that you must take...

1. Get and read Surviving An Affair if you haven't already done so.

2. Read all that you can on this site about Plan A and begin immediate implementation. Understand that Plan A is about three things...


A. Meeting the emotional needs of your W, no matter what she does...this is about being the H that YOU want to be...ACT, DON'T REACT...right now, ANYTHING that comes out of her mouth must be regarded as "fog talk" and should be ignored and not affect what you do or say at all! Be the man that you WANT to be...do it for your boys if nothing else. Btw, meeting the EN's of your W is too difficult if you are separated, so you have to abandon the idea of separation altogether...you DO NOT leave the family home nor let your boys leave under ANY circumstance...what your wife chooses is not up to you, so if she chooses to leave, then you make sure that you keep your children in your home so as to not further threaten and upset their sense of security. You must be the responsible parent here, and do the right thing! If she brings up separation/ dissolution/divorce, you say, "Honey, I love you, and I and commited to making our marriage work and keeping our family together." If she continues to bring it up, you say, "I'm sorry honey,but I don't talk separation/dissolution/divorce, that job belongs to lawyers I only talk marriage and would be glad to talk with you about that whenever you'd like." You must always stay on message here, Luz..."I DO MARRIAGE AND COMMITMENT ONLY!"...repeat it to yourself over and over...

B. At all costs, BUST UP THAT AFFAIR!!! You must EXPOSE! EXPOSE! EXPOSE! This is critical...no matter how mad your W will be or what consequences may befall her (she chose to have an affair, and she must deal with the consequences associated with that choice). Here is what you absolutely MUST understand, your marriage can survive anger, but it CANNOT and WILL NOT survive an ongoing affair. So keep snooping, it is your right to be a part choices that will impact your life and the lives of your children. Get the proof that you need, and then use it. Also, since you have already exposed to her friends and family, and you believe them to be on her side, now is the time to call or write letters to them about your intentions. Let them know how very much you love your W, and how commited you are to saving your marriage and keeping your family intact. Ask them for any help that they can offer you in accomplishing this goal. Tell them you realize that you weren't the H that you should have been and you are working daily toward becoming the H that your W always needed. Tell them how important this is to your children. Make sure to tell her family that no matter what happens you will always want them to be a crucial part of the lives of your boys. Now, get in contact with the OM's GF, you can bet that your W hasn't be completely truthful about how she fits into all of this...the GF can be a very important ally. Now, write letters and send them by registered mail to both places of employment...the letters should state what's going on (even if you think that some already know), what your intentions are in regards to saving your marriage and family, and enlist any help that they may offer you. ALL the letters/phone calls should go out on same day/time, so that your W or the OM are not tipped off and can go and make excuses, etc.

C. Work on you...join a gym, buy new clothes, take up a hobby, go get a real or spray on tan...anything that you can do to make you a better you...your W will notice and even if she doesn't, this is about making you okay no matter what happens in your life...

Luz, this is a very narrow path, and it has been proven to
work over and over. But, like any effective plan, it takes hard work and commitment for successful implentation. There of course are no guarantees that you will definitely recover your marriage, but this is the best way to proceed in a situation like your own for a few reasons.

-if your marriage does end, you can walk away with no regrets, knowing that you did everything possible.

-it allows you to keep your integrity, as stated before.

-it gives you back some control over your life

-you will have no guilt regarding your children, as you will know that you did everything possible to prevent them from having a broken home

-you will be a better more confident you which, no matter the outcome, is in your best interest.

So Luz, make your choice...choose wisely...and keep posting here for support and advice. You may want to see your doctor and start taking some antidepressants. If there is any way that you can afford it, make an appointment with Steve Harley to help you with a plan specific to you, it is my understanding that this is the best money that you will ever spend...you can find details about doing this by clicking on "Counseling Center" at the top of the Marriage Builders home page. My thoughts and prayers are with you, I'm so sorry that you are going through this...

Mrs. Wondering

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Man, you're being walked over. She's having everything her way. A few tenants for you to live by:

--It is not your fault.
--Exposing and snooping are not wrong, she is.
--Stay in your house, put the lawyers on the shelf.
--Don't make any threats, just tell her like it is.

Her behavior is inappropriate and must stop immediately if she wishes to remain married to you. Waiting for it to end by itself will not work. If her job and her affair are more important to her than your family, I'm sorry to tell you that you married the wrong woman.

Don't let her get away with anything. If anyone leaves it should be her. Be the best, nicest husband you can be in all regards except for the A: place your boundaries.

You can get out of this and break her out of fantasyland but you must be tough and call the shots yourself.