It is difficult to understand this whole mess no matter what side of the fence you may sit be it either BS or WS, but I have always wondered if there is a shred of sanity on the other side of the fence. If you are Dorry, your husband chased the Shangri-La that he thought you had found. What was the ultimate discovery? He is back with you but what is the damage if any? To sum it up, what was lost and what was gained. Even more important, is he a better man for his new found knowledge? Did he gain stature?

hi Mr GS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sprint now understands how easy it is to rewrite history and to justify actions...but he still doesn't understand why I had my A, as his reasons were very different...as my reasons are very different from his, I have trouble grasping how he could possibly want to abandon us all and leave...and his reasons. We made a decision to stop trying to understand eachother's justifications and reasons and start working on the NOW and future...as that is really what matters the most. Laying new communications, etc.

There was alot of damage done to me, but I have chosen to handle it - perhaps a little different than most people on here - or perhaps not.

I have put no boundaries or expectations on Sprint, except that if he or I do this again, no ands if or buts - the marriage will have to come to an end.

I am now almost 3 months post Sprint's d-day and thoughts of Sprints A only hit me once a day...somedays really bad, lasting for hours, other days only for minutes. No it's not because I can rationalize it away as I had an A, in fact, rationalizing only makes me more confused and makes me hurt worse as I get angry as he KNEW what this did to us - how could he think that what he did next would hurt any less?

There still seems to be an occasional awkwardness between us - maybe it's just me sensing that - afraid maybe to bring certain things up - neither of us talk to eachother about the affairs at all. He spent 6 months bringing mine up to me 10 times a day or more, LB me with it - saying cruel things about it...I spent about 1 week asking for all the details...but never threw them at him. I did once by accident and it blew up on me, as it then reminded him of my A and we ended up in a nasty you did, I did cycle...and I never wanted to go back there again. He doesn't want to go back to that time...he did suggest though to make sure I go back to MB, and talk to the few select people I discuss this with as a vent, to talk and work through everything which I thought was positive - as he was saying, I can't be your confident as it triggers me to a place I dont want to be, but I want you to get through this, so by all means, talk to people who can help you through this.

Since then - we do let eachother know when we are hurting, but never bring up why - and sometimes mention a trigger without LB...for example in a movie a girl reminded me of his OW, and I said - in the beginning the movie was hard to watch, but I didn't want to ruin the good time we were having, so I put the thought out so we could enjoy it together. He smiled and said thank you and that he knows what I mean, and reminded me of a time we watched a TV show where the character reminded him of the OM...it was a quick discussion where we let eachother know how we felt.

I know Sprint is remorseful...but it took a big LB fight (the one I mentioned above) for him to admit his justifications were wrong, and he has accepted it was an A...he however has only apologized for the way he treated me pre-A, and not yet apologized for the affair in the words I"m sorry. However his love he gives me everyday shows me that he is remorsful and very happy to be here now, which I am happy too.

What was lost though, on my end, was a respect and a high regard I had for Sprint throught out my recovery - that he was somehow better than me morally, and I strived to be more like him - the disappointment that he was as human as me was hard...

If Sprint had told me he was leaving as he couldn't get over my affair, divorced then started dating I could have accepted it as concequeces to my actions, but because Sprint left after he started an EA, after dabling in singles forums advertising as "seperated" for months before the seperation, and then leaving me with the excuse - I don't want to be the bad guy, I had a hard time understanding how he could abandon us. He left for 4 weeks and only talked to the kids (3 years and 5 years) 3 times during this time...yet had time for OW...all the time in the world - even spent a whole weekend at her place, having to DRIVE through the city I was in to get there, but only stopping by for an hour on his way back through...not a man who really wanted to put his kids first.

What was gained - an understanding that we both are capable of hurting eachother deeper than we ever expected and that we never want to do eachother harm like that again, knowing what we are capable of.

Is he a better man? I don't know - never asked him. he has made some small very significant changes. Like making more efforts for things that are important to me...and showing me he loves me. he still hasn't changed the way he talks to me, and is still his blunt self, but that's where MY changes come in. I have learned to communicate with him alot better, knowing how to talk to keep his defensive wall down...I figure I have to love him for who he is - even if he never changes, but I personally can change and adapt to him and be happy.

I still wish he hadn't had his, as much as I wish I hadn't had mine. This afternoon was one of those afternoons where some of the thoughts lasted awhile, and it was more along the lines of how he reorganized the kitchen - he did things that kinda took the "me" outta everything I had built...

But see, as I type, he leaned over and kissed my neck and said I love you....not even knowing what I am typing - things like that have made recovery possible for me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Dorry, Thank you so much for your post. It is deeply moving.



He likely sees some justification in his actions. Justified or not, your hurt is as real as his. I also suspect that he did not achieve he subconscious goal of leveling the playing field. He may feel that you got something from your affair that he did not attain in his own. Perhaps, “getting even” is a utopia that is unachievable.



Never be disappointed in this aspect of your husband! We are all human. I have never met a man without flaw and I have rubbed shoulderss with the best of the best. There are none out there. You know who sprint is to you, you know that he can become weak and you know that you rely on each other for strength. That is a key, to rely on each other. That is where your each of your strengths will originate and where they will end.



Dorry, I suspect that he is not capable of understanding how much he hurt you as you are not capable of understanding how much you hurt him. The hurt of being betrayed is personal and unique. You both committed an act against each other but they were different, not quite the same. At the end of the story, there is only pain, remorse and then healing. I hope everyday that you both strive to see one another as lovers for the rest of your days. Remember this, it was your love for each other that permitted the hurt to enter.



I think I understand, I almost cry when I read those words, they are sad, distance and so difficult for me to understand.



Yes, you are both trying so hard. He doesn’t always need to see what you’re typing to know what you feel. He knows as you know. Like you, not many hours, or even minutes, go by without a thought of each other.

Your post is absolutely beautiful, perhaps there is hope for us all....

Thank you so much for your heartfelt response.

Mr. G

everyday more and more <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I don't think I would be in as good as a place as I am if it wasn't for the love we share everyday towards eachother. And of course - the 6 months I had previous of MB experience and learning from Sprint and his recovery from mine, on what would hinder us and what would help us. i learned alot from his mistakes in the first recovery.

And in being a WS first - I also knew what it was like when you felt remorse, to be battered and LB'd and the affair always coming up in every fight and being thrown at you - you take it because you feel you deserve it - but you know what a mistake you made and are doing everything to make up for it, and having it thrown at you hurts. I would NEVER want to make Sprint feel that way, so i choose to give my thoughts to God, even if they take a bit to give to him, I continue to give them to God until the moment passes.

Also with the 6 months of recovery I had from my own A, I learned alot about "needing to be with someone" and "wanting to be with someone" - my co-dependency made me desperately need to be with Sprint and control outcomes, etc. But after 6 months of learning new ways to cope and that I have no control over nothing, it made recovery for me a lot easier, as I knew as hurt as I was, I had no control over him, and i wasn't staying or forgiving him because I NEEDED him, but because I WANTED to be with him in this marriage. it took the desperatness and alot of the hurt away when I looked at it that way.

I would hate to see any BS here follow what Sprint did. Especially when they have a very remorseful FWS at home trying to make up for everything they did wrong. And for the FWS it's a long journey to make those changes and learn about their flaws, and learn new coping skills, learn new ways to protect weaknesses...I still am learning and changing and probably always will...

Sometimes I hope that Sprint will have a journey like mine, but then I push that thought out as he is not me, and the journey he will take will be his own. maybe he won't ever feel as remorseful as me, or make the deep down soul changes as I have made, but that's okay with me now. I don't expect him too - if he does - its just a perk. He is who he is, and he will change if he wants to...

bump for mr gs <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />