H is having EA with his so called best friend.
I think it has now become PA, although he denies it adamantly and swears they are just friends.
Why is he so scared to tell me the truth??
(I have noticed a definate change in his attitude towards me over the past month).
That I am just jealous of their friendship and can not understand why I am making such a big deal of their friendship.
She understands him!
Why can't he see that she has replaced me!!!
I am his wife of 20 years, and now i am nothing, just a weight around his neck.
He spends countless hours with her and is actually staying with her right now as he is working on a presentation and needed to use her office equipt.
This has been goingon now for almost 2 years, and last December he asked me for a divorce.
He also has every symptom of MLC.
He lost his job in April and 7 weeks ago moved out to CA to look for a job, yes she lives 20 minutes from where he is staying.

The plan was for me and the kids to move out to CA and join him there. Even though he still wants a divorce he wants the kids close by.
I do not mind moving back to CA as this is where I have family and friends.
It is just the lies, I do not want a divorce, I want my marriage back.
But maybe it is too late, he has become a different person, he says horrible cruel things to me, and tries to bait me into fights with him.
This is part of the MLC stuff.
My heart is broken adn I can barely function.
My situation is hopeless and I am scared.

I wish I had some great advice for you, but I'm a rookie at this myself. Make sure you're taking care of yourself during all of this. Have you talked to a counselor (marriage or individual)? They can help you sort through this.

What is "MLC"

Hang in there.

Fredswife,
Unfortunately I have to welcomeyou to this club, but there are wonderful people here who will help you.

Please read the first three posts on the Just Found out Forum.
I'm sure they will help you understand a lot of things.

Have you exposed the affair?

Keep posting more details.

cc

I sounds like he wants you BOTH. He wants a D to alleviate his guilt (then he can "date" her without guilt) but he wants you to stay close by. He gets his EN met by both of you.

What has been happening since he said he wanted a D...has he moved in any direction? Seen a lawyer? Divided property?

My guess is that he will keep this D going as long as possible.

Have you read much about EN's and Plan A?

Sounds like he is getting some of his needs met by her...what are some of his ENs you can fulfill now? But Plan B might be right around the corner.

Hi, Fredswife.

I think I have posted to you before.

I have read all your posts. Your husband is in a full blown affair, and is behaving exactly according to script.

Since he has chosen to effectively abandon you and the kids, you need to get yourself sorted out legally, immediately, then do a very short Plan A and off to Plan B you go.

You need to get your parents or friends to loan you enough money to get you and the kids legally protected from his actions immediately. There is likely some kind of low cost or free legal aid available to you. You need to make sure that he is supporting his kids just as soon as he is working again. I think he will be surprised at just how much of his check goes toward 8 kids and a wife, and how little is left for him to pursue his fantasy.

Keep working on your issues in the marriage in the mean time.

Please consider who you might expose his affair to since other woman's husband already knows. His parents, her work place is a possibility. It's time to blow a hole in his fantasy that he is entertaining at your expense.

Your situation is not hopeless at all. Your husband is wayward and behaving like most other wayward husbands. I am sorry that you are hurting so. The fastest way through this is to stop being the victim, and take an active role in busting up his little fantasy, and making your marriage an attractive place for him to return to.

That means that you stop asking "how could he do such a thing", and start asking "what can I do to change my situation".

God bless,
Gimble

So, tell me this, why does he deny it????
Why is he admamant that they are just very good friends?
I thought that after me coming to him with all of the evidence, etc, he would admit it, especially when he freely tells me he doesn't love me anymore.
And, what good will it do to make him angrier with me by telling everyone?
The woman is divorced from her husband.

fredswife, you don't need his admission about what you both already know is true. Don't ASK if its true, tell him you KNOW its true.

And secondly, if you don't tell everyone about the affair you are HELPING THEM HIDE THEIR AFFAIR. The affair can only survive under the veil of secrecy. If you tell people, you will cause great conflict in the affair and hasten it's end. Expose the affair to his family, your family, close friends, the OW's boss.

How do you know the OW is divorced?

Hi, fredswife.

Did you ever read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass?

Why does a criminal deny everything until the evidence is overwhelming, and even then some continue to deny.

I denied everything to my wife to be 31 years ago, right up to the point that she physically smelled the scent of another woman in our bed, and decided to leave me.

If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck and SMELLS like a duck, then a duck, it is.

Please read the book I referenced. It will help you understand.

Don't expect him to admit he is a duck, however.

Gimble

He's not 'scared'. He's lying because it suits him to lie right now.

You are mislabeling many things. Quit soft-soaping his motives.

"scared" ... my [censored] !

I'm so sorry for your pain. I know you will get some excellent advice, and there is great comfort and support here among friends.

Sincerely,

K.D's Heartbreak

mid life crisis

I spoke to her husband several months ago.
It got to the point of that my H was calling her every evening after her husband left for work.
My H went out to visit her and actually stayed with HER and the H.
I finally found out where her husband worked and he said that they were in the middle of a divorce.
He also told me that as far as he knew they were just good friends also.
He said he didn't care though because his wife was the one who filed for divorce.

FW,
Your situation is hopeless, and will continue to be so until you do SOMETHING. ANYTHING.

We've all experienced where you are RIGHT NOW, he's having an affair.

Child support, is always a good reason to stay married. More money for them to enjoy life with. Since you're obviously content with his behavior.

Stop enabling him, or just roll over and accept this is your life.

Why don't you and your children deserve more than this ?

I told my H that I knew.
I told her that I knew.
They both denied it and said I was an insecure, jealous woman who just couldn't accept the fact that my H has a friend who is a woman.
I have told his family about it.
She actually told her family that I was harassing her because I couldn't handle their friendship.
I contacted mutual friends of theirs, but nothing happened.
I ended up being the psycho woman with a vivid imagination.

But why lie?
I am not fighting him for a divorce, he is 3000 miles away, how is he benefitting from not telling me the truth?
I am sorry but I just don't get it.

Hi, fredswife.

Why would he NOT lie?

Let's just look at the facts.

He is 3,000 miles away.
He is staying with another woman.
She is 'helping' him.
You are at home with 8 kids and HIS mother to care for.
You have extremely limited income.
He has no job.

Most people would call that abandonment. Most people would call his actions with another woman, 3,000 miles away, 'questionable' at best, and some down right rude things at worst.

Regardless of what he is doing, are you happy with this situation? Do you want to see it changed? If so, then you need to stop trying to figure out why or if he is lying, and decide what you want to do about it.

If you want help for your situation from folks here, or just supportive words, you need to let us know which.

Gimble

Let the WS know he is a WS. If his 'friendship' is soo important that he is willing to lose his friendship, it is not YOUR sanity in question but HIS! Tell him so.

Mine babble the same nonesense at the beginning. In fact on d/d is when he told me, she was his friend, then good friend, then best friend. YIKES!!! I didn't even know her name! So told him if she is such a great friend, how come I don't know her and why must you hide your friend? Where did you meet such a sneaky character?!?!? He stuttered and babble something stupid. That was my d/d.

Let your WS know he is risking his family for a stranger. Maybe not strange to him but she is strange to you. Don't elaborate, just note she is strange to you.

BTW, when you refer to her, call her Mrs. ________, no 1st names or name calling. Hearing her married name will thrust stabs in the A and it's not your fault.

I called the OW im my case by her married and maiden name. Her maiden name is Chew so I called her Mz Chewed. LOL!!!

L.

He is not living with her he is living with his brother, she lives 20 minutes away from him.
I have already told him that I do not like the situation, I have told him I feel he has chosen her over me.
I have been accused of being a jealous freak, that there is nothing going on except in my head.
My husband only has female friends, doesn't have any male ones.
I think I knew that there was more going on when he refused to be intimate with me anymore.
He keeps denying that they are more then friends.
She denies it too.
I have been told that she is dating again.
Yes, I know, but there is nothing I can do about it.
He has already asked for a divorce, he has already made his intentions clear to me that he just wants us to be friends.
He loves his kids, and I am trying to be a grown up and keep the peace for their sake.
There is nothing "legal" I can do right now, and why waste money on things that are not going to change anything.
I do not condone his relationship with her, I have done all I can to let him nd her know I am fully aware of what is going on.
His family knows, they say nothing.
Her family thinks I am some mental woman.
So they too have been fed a bunch of crap.
We have to work together for the sake of the children right now, they are hurting they miss their dad, I miss my husband.
I think that there is no point in threatening or being nasty anymore.
I am hoping that this too will end and he will have a huge reality check.

Oh my goodness F,

I can soooo relate to your situation except for the fact that at this point (Thank you God!!!!) I don't see any evidence of contact with OW. (I can see some signs of withdrawl)

I might have been lucky, time will tell, but I took a one month Hiatus from my H out of state with DD and her family.
During that time I told a mutual friend in confidence what I suspected and she proceeded to expose FOR me! My H was FURIOUS!!!!!!! "I invaded his privacy" (told me this more than once!!) I was a "crazy, jealous, irrational b----."
"What was wrong with my thinking that I could not accept the fact that he was a good friend with someone who happened to be a woman!" "How narrow minded and paranoid could I be?!" "And what gave me the right to tell someone who would broadcast it to the world?!!" THAT SEEMED TO BE AT LEAST SOMEWHAT OF A TURNING POINT FOR US HOWEVER. YOU NEED TO EXPOSE HIM!!!!! I KNOW how broken you are right now. We have ALL been there!!! (BTW, mine I am sure is going thru MLC at this point also--no doubt about it--has not done the typical with buying a corvette but lots of other crazy things!) EVERYONE IS RIGHT ON WHEN THEY TELL YOU TO EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE!!!!! And focus on yourself and your sanity. Would be a good idea to go to the Dr. for some AD meds.

Let me tell you, my H has agreed to take the MC courses (we are doing this now) but STILL will not admit that he was anything but friends with OW. I myself wonder if he will ever!!!! I have just ordered the book by Shirley Glass "Not Just Friends" and am really looking forward to it.

Praying for you!!!

Blessings, Tarehurts