CA is a community property state and I believe, you will have to establish residency 1st. If you have checked out your legal options, then that is good.

U posted you were in a crisis, we are trying to help you deal with the emotional part so your mental part can make clear headed decisions.

While it is smart t/d the D walk so you know your options, the EN side of you is still in turmoil. Now here is where you have just been handed some leeway.

Your posted the WS said he is confused. That's a good sign. You want the WS t/b confused. It is a good thing if the WS is confused. But don't be surprised if that doesn't last for long and he waffles back to the OW and pushing U to get the D.

Here's is where you gotta play it smart. Most WS want the BS t/d the D dirty work. While that maybe where you end up (or not), don't let the WS push you t/d the D work until U R ready t/d it. There's a difference between doing it the WS way or when the WS says t/d it vs when the BS is ready t/d it. See the diff?

L.

In March we met with a mediator.
Nothing came of it.
I asked H a couple of months ago why we even bothered to go, he said because he wanted me to know he was serious.
I told him that if this is what he wants to go ahead, it is not what I want, but I will not be the one to file for anything.
Mediator recommended reconcilliation, H said No, his mind was made up.
H has not met with an attorney, right now he says his focus is on getting a job.
Once he has income, he will decide what he wants to do.Meanwhile I am working on me, trying to be strong, finding out my rights, etc.
I am no longer baited into fights with H, I will not validate any of his reasons to D me.
He actually apologized yesterday because he started a fight and I told him I am not going there.
he said he was sorry and admitted he was just picking a fight.
He has become paranoid about everything.
Wanted to know why he can not trust anyone, as people are treating him differently, wanted to know if I have said anything to anyone.
Told him, NO, perhaps it is that people are starting to see that what you are doing is wrong,a nd the only person who seems to have an agenda is your "friend".
He responded, I know, I know.
Then he said I want you to know I respect you.
I said nothing.

You got him heading in the right direction. But do you see how much babble he put forth before he gave you some real info?

Ws: Then he said I want you to know I respect you.

BS: (I said nothing.)

You did good.

L.

Sometimes he will call and it is like he is a little boy.He wants my approval and my help.
He is scared he won't find a good job and he already feels like a failure.
He misses me and the kids.
He says he is trying to save the family, and he thanked me for keeping us afloat as I am the strength behind the family, and at the end of this I will be the one to thank.
My point is this, my H is going through something, depression, MLC, I am not sure, but this is not him.
He will be 40 next month and feels he has nothing to show for his life.
His dad passed away suddenly 3 years ago,he was only 65 and he has been dealing with that loss. His dad was his hero, he is angry with God for taking his dad.

My H has only had female friends, he has always been intimidated by manly men, he is a writer, very creative type, and related better to women.Sometimes wonder if maybe he is gay. Yes, my H has handled this very badly, but because of his history, it is somewhat plausable that he is not having a PA, i do believe it is emotional, but he does not understand what that means. Believe me, I have tried for 2 years to explain that to him.
Now I have given up trying.
I can not help but feel sorry for him, because he doesn't seem to have a clue as to what he is doing.
Right now I have given him the space he wants.
I do not call him, but he calls several times a day, I do not answer all of the calls.

Hi, fredswife.

Quote:
====================================
The plan was for him to go to CA and look for a job, then we would relocate and be with him.
====================================

I must have missed something in one of your posts. As I recall, he went to CA in May for 6 days for a "mental health vacation", after reconnecting with his former girlfriend in CA, and that this was not his first visit with this former girlfriend in CA. He then returned home briefly before the plan to move back to CA was hatched.

One other thing you might want to consider, your anger toward the people that are trying to help you here, is displaced.

I have another question. Didn't the 'plan to move back to CA' occur after contact with the old girlfriend?

Also, my understanding is that he would 'date' female coworkers or friends at times in a period before May, and that you had a friend that was questioning his faithfulness previous to the CA decision.

Maybe you can post a more complete picture of your situation for the folks here so that they can help you better.

All the best,
Gimble

I live in California and can tell you that it is very easy to get a job in my area - Oceanside, which is between LA and San Diego. However the problem is getting a place to live. The homes in my town average in the $500,000 to $600,000 range. You can get a cheaper one for around $400,000. if you want to live in an area where there are gangs, and drive-by shootings. And that would be a two-bedroom home. I lived in the Bay Area for years, and it is the same there.

I hope you will really think hard before you sell your home and move here. While it is a nice state to live in, the housing is very expensive, and many people don't make enough to make ends meet.

People are not going to waste their time trying to help you if you continue being nasty, fredswife. They are going out of their way to help you and they sure as heck don't have to. There are lots of other people here who need help who aren't nasty. Just think about that.

I am not being nasty.
I will no longer post here, it only fuels my anxiety and you are no help.
Dealing with bitter women who cann ot fogive is not the road i want to travel on.

No Gimble,' you have your facts a little mixed up.
Both H and I agreed to move back to CA, but first he would have to find a job.
As you are the affair detective your first instinct is to sniff out a rat.
This is not a matter of denial.
I am not in denial.
Yes, you have made your points very clearly, and I can see why you believe what you believe.
I am not going to post here any more.
This is not a positive place for me, all you have done is to add to my own insecurities and make me feel like ******.
You have no room to think anything else other then the worst.
I can not control what my H is doing, you all know that.'threatening, exposing, is going to gain what???
More and anger???
Then my kids suffer.
I am not a fool, and timing is the key to my problems.
I will work on myself, as I cannot work on my relationship.

Hi, fredswife.

Which facts do I have mixed up?

There are many "affair detectives" on this forum, and many more people than that, suffering from affairs.

I am sorry that you have found this to be a negative place for you. There have been a lot of positive outcomes from the efforts of this forum.

I can understand that you think we may all look for the worst, but that is a misperception. We don't look for the worst, we are presented with it from others, on a routine basis. Your situation is no different.

Exposing your husbands despicable behavior will do two things. Burst the bubble of his fantasy and set in motion a greater likelihood of an end to his affair, and empower you in the process.

Your children are already suffering from what you are going through.

Timing in your situation is important, but it is NOT the key to resolving your problems.

I wish you all the best and a quick resolution to your difficulties.

Gimble

fredswife,

Exposure sounds like it will cause more anger and it will cause some but it also lessens the impact of the A on you. Right now you are not only angry but not even able to work with the help that is being given to you. You have bottled up hostility which is understandable for what you are going through. All of us as BS' have come here with those very feelings.

What to do? Well if it is too much for you to post right now, please read the book Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs by Dr Harley. At the very least it will give you similar info without you feeling so invaded.

I do recommend you find a good MC to speak with. If left unchecked your feelings may spill over to others around you who care very much for you and that would not be good for you or your family.

You are correct that you can't control the WS but you can work on controlling yourself. That is what we all here have to learn and it is a hard point to get at first.

Please pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. If you have all your ducks in a row and feel you don't need anymore help, then the choice to leave is yours.

There have been a few MBers who felt as you do who have left hte board. I'd safely say that in my 5 years here, probably 70% of them have come back regretting their initial exit. They thought they could handle it on their own but it was tooo hard. It really is hard. I for one am glad I found MB back in 2001. It took me a looong time to realize I needed to work on me and that I could not fix the WS. MB was my support and sometimes they had to shake me to my senses. I will always be grateful for the 'tough love' support I received here.

Just sharing my thoughts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Wishing you well,
L.

I had a lovely chat with H about his affair.I told him that I can no longer accept his lies and the deceit. I can not handle the fact that I hae been replaced by another woman and I need for him to stop the games and be honest with me. I have already agreed to a divorce, so now for the sake of our children, it is time to work together and at least have no more lies .
I set my boundaries, I discussed wage garnishment,and that he has abandoned us.Gave him a deadline of October 1st that if no job, he needs to return to the home and at least help out with the kids and help me to sell the house, help us to relocate and then he could be free to do whatever he wants to do.
I was called a psycho ******, that I have a vivid imagination, I live in a fantasy world, and I have now destroyed any hope of us ever working together, and I have validated all of his reasons for divorcing me, and he has blocked me from his email address.
I have also received a nasty voicemail, and the list goes on........
Yes, i can see why exposing this could be so helpful.

Did you expect the exposure to make him give you a hug? Of course he w/b mad and call you names. Wasn't he already doing that?

Now you get to sit back and watch the rest of it play out. Exposure takes some of the steam out of the A. It will make their lives miserable. You realize you are a hot topic of conversation with the WS and OP. They have to invent stuff to throw at you. So don't give them any more ammo.

Stay calm and keep yourself busy. You must be patient. This exposure stuff takes time to show results.

L.

Fredswife.

You have the right to do whatever you choose, as long as its legal. What you should not do, for your won mental health is delude yourself that you are doing one thing when in truth you are doing another.

Your behaviour is not forgiving IMO, it is that of a fearful doorman. I recognise it becaise I was a fearful doormat for a short while when I first discovered my dear Squid;s affair. She had a streak of entitlement a mile wide in her too, like yoru H seems to have. She swore up and down OM and her were just friends, and that I was paranoid.

I busted them by her mobile phone amd research found the rest of the poof.

If you H is not having an affair, then why would he disrespect you so enormously by maintaining a 'riendhsip' with this woman when you were so admantly against it? If my wife took enormous offense at on eof my friendships, i would try total transparency and chaperoning first but if that still did not placate her I would cease contact with that friend. At teh VERY LEAST your WH values this woman's friendship more that respecting his wife. You are at liberty to live in acceptance of his disrespect as you are now, but please do not kid yourself you are forgiving, or that it is your confronting his behaviours that is causing teh problems.

If you read SAA, private lies by Frank pittman, and if you are Christian, Torn asunder by Dave Carder and study here ( don't just read), you will see that virtually every behaviour of youe H is a red flag for him having a PA with this woman.

If this is true, so you think you will get him to stop by being meek and supporting his family while he boinks OW in CA ?

You have already lost him FW. Grieve it and do teh RIGHT thing withour fear of losing him. H'es gone. No wod from you can push him away if he want sto stay and none can make him stay if he wants to leave.

You can only take action sthat support you self respect.

Expose their affair and soak up WHs spite. I did so, endured teh spite and we have a wonderfully recovering marriage now. Mel, whom you cite as being an unforgiving woman , did the same with HER FWH and NOW has a wonderfully recovered marriage. I can't think of a recovered mariage where there was no exposure if approrpiate.

I wish you all blessings FW.

Hi, fredswife.

You did good.

All the threats are standard script, especially the "it's all your fault, if you hadn't done this, there was hope for our future, but now you have destroyed that".

I and others here have read similar statements, hundreds of times.

He is mad because you ferreted him out. Infidels hate that.

I like the deadline, except you might want to make it September 5th instead. It is time for him to get home, get a job, even if it is McD's and start contributing to his family.

You made an excellent start, FW. A real step in the right direction.

Now get yourself all calmed down, and let us know when you think you can handle the next step.

Gimble

I SENT THIS TO BOTH OF THEM. MY H HAS TOLD OW THAT HE IS TAKING CARE OF OUR FAMILY, ETC.

I have been willing to support your decision to move to CA and look for a job.
I helped to accomodate the trip for you if you remember.
Part of the deal was that your mother would move out so I could rent the apartment out for extra income, that didn't happen either.
I have had to compromise so that you could stay at your brother's house.
I have been taking care of everything while your focus has been to look for a job.
The deal was once you found a job you would help me to sell the house, and we would relocate so you would be able to have a relationship with your children.
We agreed to work together so that there would not be any further hostility between us.
We agreed to do this together for the sake of our children.
You have been able to come and go as you please without any responsibilities, you make your occasional phone calls to the kids, send a few emails here and there.
You check in with me and then you do your own thing.
You have no accountability to anyone, and therefore you have your desire to be your own person.
Everything you ever wanted.
I feel duped by you because you and I agreed to certain boundaries, one of which you PROMISED no more hanging out or visits to Barbra until we were divorced.
You do not understand or wish to acknowledge how you have made me feel.
I find it ironic that you were there to comfort your "friend" in her time of need while her husband supposedly had an affair, but you can not see how your actions are affecting my life.
In your head you feel you are innocent, that you are just "friends".
Both you and I know that is a lie.
Backed by the fact that your "friend" can not show any respect for our marriage, and has not done so for the past 2 years.There is obviously no moral compass.
More bad habits you have picked up along the way.
In fact she has helped tremendously to the demise of our marriage by her simple lack of consideration that your wife may be upset by it, therefore making things worse.
Not once has there been an apology for your visit to Napa, when you and your friend planned your little get together in a king sized bed.
Remember I was told she was happily married.
All planned behind my back and your other little trip in May, when you took money from the family to be with your "friend" and sip on bobo juice.
Both of these incidents very inconsiderate and selfish, but I guess your friend has taught you how to stop being the honorable man you once were.
Yes, I did try to mend fences with your friend, but she was insincere, and only proved her true character. My words were turned around and I felt very used by someone who told me trust was a huge issue with her.
Neither of you know the meaning of the word.
You have completely shut off from your responsibilities at home and tell me I have nothing to be concerned about.
This could be why you do not care that we have bills piled up, your wife and children are receiving food stamps and can not pay our mortgage this month.
Considering your past history of lies and deceipt which are rationalized by the fact that your wife is a psycho ****** and pushed you into the arms of another woman, you feel you are justified by your actions.
Your actions are unkind, cruel and inconsiderate.
Your children are waiting patiently for the day when you will finally get a job and they can be with you.
It may be time to start being a grown up which means facing up to the truth about this situation.
If your intent is to stay in California to be with your "friend" who is your only support and will be there for you until she finds another man to be her emotional crutch, then fess up.
If you do not want the children and I to move to California then this would also be a good time to speak up so that we can get on with our lives.
Right now we are in limbo until you get a job.
You are planning on coming to visit in October, my suggestion is that unless you have a job by that time, you should stay here in NH and at least help me to pack up and sell the house and help me to move somewhere more affordable, if not in California.
On a side note, your 'friend" should be made aware that your cell phone will be off and that this time will be for your children not for her problems, I am sure she can manage without you for a week or so.
I am being frank "your friend likes frankness", rational and considerate.
There is no bitchiness, or any threat of any kind.
I just want to know what I am to expect.
An apology from you and your "friend" would be nice, but I will not hold my breath.
Some consideration would be wonderful.
Encouragement, maybe I am pushing my luck.
How about just some type of plan of action.
Thank you for your time,

SO NOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN??
HE TELLS ME I AM CRAZY, THAT I IMAGINE THINGS AND IT IS ALL IN MY HEAD.
SOMETIMES HE MAKES ME WONDER IF I REALLY AM!!

HE IS WORKING ON A FEELANCE JOB AND HAS A PRESENTATION ON TUESDAY.
I HAVE TOLD HIS BROTHER AND SISTER INLAW AND MOTHER THE DEADLINE AND WHY.
I FEEL LIKE I AM IN HUGE TROUBLE.
WHY DO I FEEL SO GUILTY???
HE WAS SO SO ANGRY, HIS EMAILS CALLED ME DISGUSTING THINGS, AND THEN I TOLD HIM THAT I HASD THE EMAIL ADDRESS TOO THE COMPANY THAT HE IS APPLYING TO, THAT IT SURE WOULDN'T LOOK GOOD TO STAET A NEW JOB WITH A WAGE GARNISHMENT.
HE SAID I HAVE NEVER LOVED HIM, I AM GOING TO DESTROY THE CHILDREN BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN FULL OF HATRED AND BITTERNESS. AND OF COURSE, I HAVE NOW RUINED HIS LIFE AND THIS IS WHY HE WANTED A DIVORCE IN THE FIRST PLACE.....HE THOUGHT WE COULD WORK TOGETHER, BUT HE KNEW I COULD NOT KEEP MY WORD, AND DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HOW I COULD NOT TRUST HIM.
OH BROTHER, I FEEL LIKE I OPENED UP A CAN OF WORMS.

Well, let me be the 1st one here to give you a big ole "THATTAGIRL"....You have finally done SOMETHING towards ending this affair and earning back some respect and dignity, and God-willing (if you still desire) your marriage. By his response alone, you know what the nature of this realtionship was......Today was a start for you.

BRAVO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW, I REALLY AM.