|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 4,138
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 4,138 |
sweetie, have you read my posts? we are both in thjis crap up to our knees but you have just taken your first step. keep walking.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 295
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 295 |
why am I the one to feel like crap. i didn't have the affair, and he is the one making me out to be insane.
Praying for a miracle!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 3,179
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 3,179 |
I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW, I REALLY AM. What are you angry about? You are just taking the covers off the charade you have been living with for this whole time. Please don't displace your anger at anyone here. You have a right to be angry, but certainly not at any one here. You are just being told what you do NOT want to here. There are people here who essentially make "marriage building" their lives and they live, breath this stuff every day....I would take their advice...thwey have seen it a hundred times over. Read the web site forums here, go back a year or two and follow the stories of people here...it is all a big f-ing script, and you are living it...the good thing is that you know the answers and outcomes of your actions already...go do some reading.
Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.
I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 295
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 295 |
No I am angry with my husband. I am so fricken pissed off I just wanted to be able to have my marriage back, like it used to be. We had a life, we planned all of these kids, we have a nice home, he had a good job. I kept trying to believe everything he said was true. I wanted to beleive him because I really love him. He had me for a fool, and he promised me that I would never be lied to. He promised me that there was nothing going on, I sat and cried and cried and had a breakdown when he went on his trip, and he kept telling me that it was a getaway. That they never had sex, they are just friends. I believed him
Praying for a miracle!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 295
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 295 |
So, will he ever calm down? How long is he going to take his anger out on me? I do not want a divorce, I know that I can forgive him, but there needs to be true repentance on his part and I think that will take a long time. Especially if he is still refuses to tell me anything. The trust is gone and I feel like I want to throw up. His reaction was so horrible, and I am the one hurting and he cannot even apologize, or see what he is going to me. How can he rationalize it all???
Praying for a miracle!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 295
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 295 |
what would his response have been if it wasn't true???
Praying for a miracle!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Member
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069 |
Fred'swife - You did a good job. Please don't feel bad because you were a loving wife who trusted your husband. There is nothing wrong with that.
It is miserable going through all of this. I thought things would never get better for me. But they did.
The chances are very good that your husband will come back to the marriage. Most do. In the meantime please take care of YOU and your children. Things can only go up from here.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,517
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,517 |
Hi, fredswife.
Your reactions and his are perfectly normal for the situation.
It is normal for you to vacillate between, anger, fear, doubt, guilt, elation and disgust.
You haven't done anything wrong, and he is guilty of abandoning his family in order to be with another woman. It is an all too common tale.
Don't expect conciliation from him. He can't care about you in that way right now. His mind is focused totally on his needs to support his fantasy relationship with the other woman. Do expect him to continue to lie to you.
The first rule of affairs is that all cheaters are liars. You simply can't be one without being the other.
You can lean hard on the folks here for support. I may not be a great coddler, but there are folks here with a true gentleness of spirit that can help you walk through the jungle.
All the best, Gimble
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 295
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 295 |
I could hardly sleep last night. I think it is because I am so mad. I do believe that this started out as friendship, I do believe that in the begining it was innocent. And I don't think my husband planned this, I think he just let himself get carried away and got in too deep. I do remember telling him that when he received the first email, I asked him NOT to respond or to just say thank you for getting in touch I am glad your life is great, take care, goodbye. But he didn't listen. He went to visit his mother a couple of months after the email, and while he was there met up with her. Then began the phone calls, the emails, etc. All done secretly. He told me that he couldn't tell me because he said I would try and take away his friend and he didn't really have any other friends. We did talk about it. I had found a phone card and was able to get the phone numbers that were called on it. My daughter caught him on the phone a few times late at night in the basement. I told him that IF she is only a friend, then why not have her call you at home, and keep things in the open. She actually did call once, but I was told I did not make it "safe" because of my attitude about it. He has since made several visits to see her, some under the guise of visiting his mother, the rest were planned. Again, his excuse, "I needed a friend" because you make life so unbearable for me. Since his D announcement in December, my H has not been intimate with me at all. He made his announcement a couple of weeks before his secret trip to spend a week with her. I was told it was for a job interview, then I found out it was a business trip, and then found out it really was a business trip but he extended the stay by 4 days. There have been so many lies told to me, and he has always sounded so convincing. I have tried to reationalize everything in my head, I mean after 20 years, faithfulness has NEVER been an issue. My marriage was not perfect, but I knew it was forever. I don't want a divorce. But from what I understand until he has a reality check, that will probably be the only option for me. I am not in a place for demands right now. he has made it clear that he does not want to be married to me and has not changed his mind. Before he left for CA I saw some positive changes in him, he and I began to spend alot of time together, and really began to enjoy one anothers company again. He actually spent the last week here in my bed and would hold me each night. When I asked him about that, he said it was to pacify me and to keep the peace. That really hurt my feeelings. I feel like I have been duped, I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach and it was by the person I love more then anyone in the whole world. I love him so much and thought we could get through anything. Our children are anxiously awaiting for daddy to come home and help us to move to CA. Now I don't know if that will happen. I don't know anything right now, except that I wish he would stop denying it, and come clean. I still don't understand why he refuses to admit it. Can you help me with that one.
Praying for a miracle!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107 |
what would his response have been if it wasn't true??? What would YOUR reponse have been if accused of an affair when it wasn;t true ? Mine would probably be indignation then transparency to prove I have nothing to hide.
MB Alumni
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837 |
IMHO, for a WS to admit anything to a BS w/b tantamount to defeat. Once he admits it, the thrill of the A is blown. Not completely gone but definitely can't hold the same sick thrill of deception. That is why exposure is critical.
BTW, all the 'I have no friends' and other babble crap is just that crap. The WS put themselves into the predicament that led to the A. Maybe not 100% planned but some of it was. Don't be fooled. Mine blurted similar and I had a hard time figuring out how we went from lots of friends to him having only the OW as a friend. My H cut off all his friends to have the A. Planned it to the T. More than he realized because as the WS was taking over his soul, he lost track of his identity.
Right now you can't get the answers you seek. You will get them in time. Maybe not all but enough. It is critical now you concentrate on improving you and giving him less ammo to throw at you. Learn to reverse babble and catch him in his cunning ways.
The Ow is your enemy not your ally. She will use her deceptive ways to paint you into a corner and both will try to force you to take the blame for their A. Learn to give them back their guilt.
What I w/d is not ask if he is having an A but tell him he is not making you and your famlly feel safe, then ask why. Let him answer. If he doesn't leave it be. He needs to wonder what you are up to. That in itself starts to destroy the A. All that wondering and never really knowing. Hard to have an R with an OP while wondering what your W is doing, ya know!!!?!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> L.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107 |
Squid never adnmitted it to me even after OM confrmed it. Admitting it means game over, fantasy busted, reality bites.
Further to sge Gimbles awords, I would say that cheaters use lying as a default even fter teh affair si bust and about ALL KINDS of topics because they have gotten into the habit of lying and keeping facts about their activities to themselves.
With NC in place for while it feels silly to lie about stuff and the habit breaks, slowly.
Its hard FW, but possible to get through this.
I'm just a bloke but I did it.
MB Alumni
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 295
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 295 |
I don't know what to do with myself. He doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. He is so angry!!!!!!! I have just fueled his anger. I think I have made things worse. I have validated all of the things he has said to me about myself. I know I am not crazy!!! He said I was an insane jealous ****** spreading lies about him and ruining his reputation. That I am a hateful miserable woman and I don't even love my children. He told me I was uncivilized and said I need help for my mental problems because I am delusional!!!
Praying for a miracle!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,454
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,454 |
Fredswife ~ they all say that.
My husband and his OW called me a sociopath.
I know it doesn't make it hurt less, but try to remember that just because HE says its true doesn't make it so.
~ Pain is a given, misery is optional ~
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 295
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 295 |
I have been working so hard at trying to become the wife he wanted me to be. I have really tried hard, been in therapy, been encouraging, and trying to win back my husband. Taking meds for the anxiety and working my [censored] off to become a better person. I feel like i just got punched in the stomach.
Praying for a miracle!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,454
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,454 |
Fredswife ~ I was the oldest of 10 children, so I have some idea of the incredible burden on your shoulders.
Right now, this is who your husband is.
He is not the man you want him to be.
You don't have to like this fact. Just accept it.
Nothing you can control can change his choices and his decisions. You are not powerful enough to cause his affair, and you are not powerful enough to stop it.
You don't have to like this fact either. Just accept it.
Once you are able to focus on the things you can control, you will have more time to work on you, and to take care of those 8 precious children ~ all of whom have to got be suffering and afraid right now also.
What can you do today, to take care of you and the kids?
~ Pain is a given, misery is optional ~
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107 |
How have you made it worse ? Were you happy to love as a maid while he banged his concubine ?
Buy and read "love must be tough" by Dobson. FW you can DO this, and your H is just conforming to the same script that EVERY ws when exposed does. Study and you will see how true this is.
I know you are enjoying panicking right now, but you are today far better off that you were yesterday. The affair has just become harder to sustain.
MB Alumni
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 295
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 295 |
Fred, I have believed every word you have told me because I wanted to think the best of you. I had my suspicions but chose to take you at your word, because I loved you. I ended friendships with people because they told me to open up my eyes, and I was defending you because you were so convincing. I didn't want to hear it, I wanted to believe you were an honest man. You played me for a fool. Your friendship is not a friendship but an affair. I have noticed over the past few months how angry and defensive you have become, probably the guilt you feel inside, maybe some shame too. I believe you are in turmoil, because what you are doing is wrong and you know it, but you have convinced yourself that it is OK. You told me you do not sleep well anymore. You blame everyone for what you are feeling, but never yourself. It is Gods fault, it is XXXXX's fault, it is your brothers fault, it is SDE's fault, your mother, CCC, you name it, we have all been blamed for it. None of this is Freds fault. You have gotten yourself into a real mess and I don't think you know how to get out of it. So, you blame me for everything, accuse me of things, get paranoid about who I am talking to, ask me if I am talking about you. But you will still deny it, and tell me I am imagining things. I know you will be angry when you receive this email, and you will think that it gives you even more validation to prove that you are doing the right thing, or that I am really mentally insane. I am not imagining things, and your fantasy world needs to be exposed. I do believe curiosity got the best of you and you were flattered when she emailed you. You and I were having problems, and out of the blue you get an email from an old girlfriend. What an ego booster!!! You even asked 2 different people their opinion as to whether you should see her again, and they both told you NOT to do it. BUT you didn't listen. I do not think you wanted it to be this way, but I think that the more involved you became with her, the deeper you got. I remember asking you if I could see the email she sent you, and you wouldn't let me, that was the first red flag. You told me that she asked you not to show me. When I confronted you about the phone cards, and even then you denied more then a friendship. I asked you to please go to marriage councelling with me, but you insisted you had no problems, I was the one with all of the issues. You sent her an email about a job you were interested in at Brookstone, and signed it I love you. I saw it, and you said it was just a term of endearment. Now you deny it. Your password was her maiden name. The fact that her husband worked at nights and you would sneak off to make phone calls. The time difference was convenient. Telling me that she was happily married, but all the while she was going through a divorce. Even when I spoke to her she had the same story as you. Her husband told me things, but you said he was lieing to get back at her. I continued to believe you. The secrets and the lies, the visits, the emails, the phone cards, the cell phone bills, it all adds up. When you were supposed to visiting your Mother in California, you would be with her. When you were supposed to be on a business trip, you invited her to join you. I found this out by accident, her husband told me where I could find you both. When I called you at the hotel, you admitted she was there with you and had indeed spent the night and would be again that night. You even lied to me that there was a king sized bed in the room, and then you admitted that too. Then your need to move to Northern California, and be 20 minutes away from her. You still see her all of the time, you spend the night there and tell me you stay in separate bedrooms. More lies. When I asked you about it, you tell me that I couldn't handle the truth. You become defensive and call me names. I can handle the truth more then the lies. She became the person you could go to for your emotional needs, and eventually now your physical ones also. You found another woman to replace me. You began to find more and more things wrong with your life, your marriage, your job, even your children. Especially with me. You told me that I have made you miserable for the past 20 years, and that I have ruined your life. Both you and I know that is not true. You told me that I am insane and controlling and have never made you happy. You told me you married me for all of the wrong reasons. You have even stooped so low as to tell me you married me because I was pregnant. I have not been the perfect wife, I have not handled every situation correctly, but I have asked for forgivess, I have apologized and I have gone to therapy to work on me. You tell me my changes are insincere, you only say that because then it would take away your excuses to divorce me. Everything to validate your reasons to be with her. Your actions, your privacy issues, your lies, all point to that. There is no need for me to carry on with all of the things you have done. Your behavior is disgusting and completely selfish. All the while telling me that I was insane, or jealous, calling me a freak and a psycho. Bringing up my childhood, my parents, my past, finding a way to blame me for your issues and your own unhappiness. You keep telling me you are a nice guy, is this also to ease your conscience? Actually underneath you are a nice guy, you are the man I fell in love with and the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But right now you are not a nice guy, I don't know who your are anymore. You made me feel like I was imagining things. You told your friends things about me that were not true. Deciding you wanted a divorce days after you planned a trip with her. Was it to ease your conscience? The head games and the deceit are totally unfair. So now this is the situation at hand.... We are waiting for you to get a job, so that the children and I can relocate to California and start a new life. I was hoping that you and I could at least start with honesty and rebuilding trust. You have many options, it doesn't have to be this way. They do not know that you have planned to divorce me, they think that we will be a happy family. They do not know that you are involved with another woman, they do not know anything. Ultimately this is your life, and your choice. I hope that eventually you will really look at yourself in the mirror and see the choices you have made, and see that things do not have to be this way. You do not get to have your cake and eat it too. I hope that you will one day be able to face reality and realize that you have a family that loves you and want you to be a part of them. I am praying for you, everyone is praying for you. You do have people in your life that really and honestly care about you and your family, and will help you if you need it.
Praying for a miracle!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,549
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,549 |
Wow! That's really impressive! You seem to lay it out better than OJ's lawyers could have! Sending positive thoughts your way...
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,517
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 1,517 |
Hi, fredswife.
Quote: ==================================== I still don't understand why he refuses to admit it. Can you help me with that one. ====================================
There have been stories of wayward spouses here, that refused to admit an affair, even after they were photographed, naked, in the bed, in a hotel, with the other person.
Human nature. You wanted not to believe the worst of your husband for a long time, so you denied the possibility to yourself. Perfectly normal. He wants to preserve his fantasy by denying to everyone that he is having an affair, even though he knows he is. He will deny and accuse others of "just not understanding" or "being out to get him" or "denying him his only happiness". It is high school level puppy love and the players caught in the affair are just as stupid.
What you are seeing is the effect of a change in brain chemistry, FW. This is all well documented. It is also why the behavior is so predictable. You can spot an infidel a mile away.
Hang in there. It is a bumpy painful ride, but you are at least getting through it now. Before you were running from it. You are NOT CRAZY, and most of the things your hubby has said to you and accused you of and that you have tried to fix, are bull. One day soon, that realization is REALLY going to make you, justifiably, angry as ******. Just make sure that you don't do something you will regret on that day.
All the best, Gimble
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
|
|
|
0 members (),
412
guests, and
95
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,035
|
Most Online6,102 Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|