That is what they all do. Don't worry about invasion of privacy. A WH deserves no privacy.

You are doing the right thing, and standing up for your family. It is awful at first. When I first came here, people told me I would one day be happy again, and I didn't believe it. I thought it wouldn't happen for me.

But I am doing just fine, even though my WH is still with the OW. I no longer want him, or even think about him.

No, I invaded hers. don't even ask, it wasn't that hard, and now i feel like ******, because I snooped.
guess my defence could be that i had temporary insanity

i have already received 3 nasty emails from him today all saying i am crazy and manipulative and insane.
meanwhile he is spending the weekend with OW.

Fredswife,

All though I can really offer not much advice to you. I have been reading your thread and I just want to say. You have done nothing wrong but try and break up this affair..

I know the pain you are feeling and its very hard to comprehend whats happening to your family.. but believe me you have done the right thing and it will make you stronger in the end.

I myself am still very early in all this but the advice you are getting is so good. Please try and follow it because it will help you make better descions and feel better about yourself...

Good luck to you and keep the faith....

I need to be nice for now to H as I need him to sign the papers for me to sell my house.
I will cash out the 401K for living expenses until the house is sold.
As soon as that is done, I will put the house on the market.
His family is going to help me and the kids to move.
I will enroll in school and finish up my degree, so I can finally do somrthing for myself.
Once H has a job I will get his wages garnished to cover my [censored].
I do not want a divorce, but I can not stop him from filing for one.
I will not be nasty, but I will be firm.
No more needy clingy emotional stuff.
Now, please don't think I am crazy......
I do love my husband, I do want my marriage saved.
Right now I am angry but I can learn to forgive IF he stops the affair.I don;t think he is living in reality right now.
That I know is later down the line.
I will not give him any more justification to think i am a psycho ******.
I need to stay calm and give him nothing more to complain about.
I am cracking up, but I will do this for my kids.
I will do this for me.

have I missed anything here>> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Did you cut and paste this or retype it? Did you say hubby was a copy editor?

In any case, I don't know where to start. In almost every sentence, he blames all of his trouble on you, and basically falsely accuses you of being the destabilizing element in the relationship.

-"You are not thinking or seeing clearly."

-"I know I am wasting my tim ewriting this t oyou becase you nevre listen to what I say."

-"When I was hurting you made fun of me and told me to toughen up. You acuse me of not appreciating your feelings when all I have done is try to accommodate your feelings even when you are angry and abusive."

-"I just don't want to be dragged into the drama of your circus. I cannot handle the hysteria. I want to talk to you but you have gone over the deep end."

-"I am sorry if you wnt to blame me for your loss of control. I ahve been tryig nto reach out to you but you act without thinking."

-" I have a HUGE presentation on Tuesday and I will not let you ****** up another opporunity for me. I need to be calm and confident and stress-free. Your timing could not be worse"

And this one really made me angry. Here he wants you to medicate yourself because he has abandoned his family and is staying with another woman.

-"You make me regret ever telling you anything aout my life because you turn it into a weapon against me. I think you ar pre-menstrual and you need sommedication."

Please do make sure that from this point forward, in all your conversations with him, you simply state the truth without defending yourself when he reacts. No anger from you toward him. No accusations, just state facts.

"Hubby, I know you are having relations with other woman. I need you to stop immediately and return home to support your children and work with me to restore our marriage." Make that your mantra. If he gets mad and throws a bunch of bull like he did in the quotes above, you just tell him; "I don't know about all that, but I do know that we can start working on a new marriage, just as soon as you leave the other woman and return home to your family".

Don't waiver on your knowledge that he is deeply involved in an affair. Don't tell him what you have discovered from your investigations.

It's time for you to be dead calm and watch him sweat, and sweat he will. Expect him to try every trick in the book to find out how much you know and how you know. Expect him to blame you for the craters on the moon. Refer back to your mantra and be calm.

You have taken back some of your power in the marriage. He will not like losing his control over you.

God bless,
Gimble

Hi, fredswife.

Quote:
=======================
I need to be nice for now to H as I need him to sign the papers for me to sell my house.
I will cash out the 401K for living expenses until the house is sold.
As soon as that is done, I will put the house on the market.
His family is going to help me and the kids to move.
I will enroll in school and finish up my degree, so I can finally do somrthing for myself.
Once H has a job I will get his wages garnished to cover my [censored].
I do not want a divorce, but I can not stop him from filing for one.
I will not be nasty, but I will be firm.
No more needy clingy emotional stuff.
Now, please don't think I am crazy......
I do love my husband, I do want my marriage saved.
Right now I am angry but I can learn to forgive IF he stops the affair.I don;t think he is living in reality right now.
That I know is later down the line.
I will not give him any more justification to think i am a psycho ******.
I need to stay calm and give him nothing more to complain about.
I am cracking up, but I will do this for my kids.
I will do this for me.
have I missed anything here?
=======================

That is a most excellent plan.

Nothing wrong with wanting to save your marriage. That is what this site is all about, but it is your choice. He has broken his vows. You have taken back some control of the situation. That is outstanding.

Gimble

Gimble, as usual is spot on. Listen to him.

I would only add that my fist was itching when I read WHs email to you, as I suspct Gimbles was too.

You have found sand. Add faith and thats all you need right now. Well done !

I am really scared right now.
I know I have to be strong, but I am a wreck.
My friend came over to pray with me today, that helped a little.
I know you have heard this 1000 times before, but I still can not believe how my husband of 20 years could do this to me and our children.
I have been left with so much to deal with and he is off have a jolly old time.
I need to know, and you probably can't tell me, but do men ever realize what they have done and stop it?
He is running full blast down a path of destruction and he can not se it.
I am scared for him.
Part of me wants to rescue him, but I must be still, keep my distance and give him his space.
part of me wants to punch him in the face part of me want him to be here and hold me and tell me that everything is going to be OK.
So many feelings running through my head.
I feel like I am caught in a tunnel.
I can barely catch my breath.
I wish I could turn back time.

What is the reason you need to sell the house?

I can not afford to keep it anymore, H unemployed.

ANOTHER EMAIL FROM H.



I am sorry you are overwrought. I am sorry you got yourself into such a state that you went to the hospital. I am sorry.

Here's the problem.

Your timing.

When I see you, I see someone who is irrational. That scares me. I don't know if you will harm yourself or the kids or others. The ER visit is the result of this drama. This was avoidable and you were the one who could have made this avoidable.

It is not unreasonable for me to ask about your meds or your menstrual state. They can help me at least understand why you lack so much self-control. Don't be mad. You have acted like this over and over and over again. I have unfortunately treated this as normal behavior over the years. It is not. It is terrible behavior that needs to be addressed. You are not approachable as a rational person.

I am sorry, truly I am, that you are ill. Your feelings are important. But you have to understand they put a very unfair burden on me. If I am hurting you I am sorry. Really I am. I do not intend to hurt you. But, you drive me away with your antics. I a looking for a sane corner of the universe to try and get my bearings and succeed in life. This is for your benefit, too...and the kids.

You have put me under very unfair pressure over the years. You told me to just suck it up because life is unfair and terrible. I have discovered that life is not fair and terrible And I invited you to change, but you continue to reach for the most outrageous behavior in order to try and get what you want.

I appreciate your last emails. They seem to be calmer. They seem to be reasonable. Is it a trap? The best way to communicate with you for now is in writing.

Believe it or not, I still want to work with you. I want you to find mental health. (Honestly, XXXXXX, you are not well.) I still want to be your friend, but you have been no friend to me. I have offered chance after chance after chance and you still continue to try and take a bite of me.

One last time...I am not running away with another woman...I am not trying to steal from you... I love my kids very much and I want them to live in California with me... I want you to find happiness.

No more games, XXXXX.The lies, the manipulations, the threats, the name calling, the slander... these have got to stop.

I want to be up front with you, but every stroke of my patience and kindness was later used against me. You did this. My phone is off because I don't want to be harassed. You created this.

Again, I am sorry you feel I hurt you. I was not intending to hurt you. You create a hostile environment and I need a place where I can work undisturbed and in peace.



********HE MENTIONS THAT HE WANTS THE KIDS TO BE WITH HIM IN CALIFORNIA, NOTHING ABOUT ME*******
I THINK HE IS TRYING TO MAKE ME OUT TO BE INSANE

MY RESPONSE TO HUSBAND:
I WAS TRYING TO BE MATTER OF FACT NO APOLOGIES, NO NEEDINESS

Freddie,
Let me start off by saying that yes, I have many issues, and I am working on them.
I have issues that I am striving to control, and I will conquer them.
BUT in my defense you have contributed greatly by your dishonesty.
Let me also say that the demise to my mental health happened when you began your relationship with Barbra.
I was suspicious, as nothing was handled correctly, by either of us.
The lies and the deceit ate me up alive and now I know I can no longer live this way.
I knew the truth, always did, but wanted to hear it from your lips.
You kept denying it.
I have spent much time with Dr.xxxxxxx over the past 2 days.
Yes, I did become obsessed, I wanted my marriage saved and I went about it the wrong way.
I made many foolish mistakes and made an [censored] out of myself instead of handling things with dignity and self respect, and self control.
I should have been strong when I was weak, I should have been the woman that I know I am capable of being, instead I allowed my insecurities to control my life.
I drove you away instead of drawing you in.
My fear of losing you was the only thing on my mind, I panicked!!!
I didn't even realize how needy I had become, and was so afraid of doing the wrong thing that I forgot who I was, and am now begining the search to find "me:" again.
So, now you are dealing with "me".
This is "me" being unafraid to tell you what I think, or how I feel, and i don't even care if you get mad!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
Now you have chosen another woman over me, I have been replaced.
It hurts like ******, I am in pain, and I really need a hug.
I want you to tell me I am going to be OK.
But you are not the person I can go to for that stuff anymore.
I do not believe you are running away with another woman.
I believe you started out as friends and then it turned into something more.
I do not believe you planned for this to happen.
I believe that you are still not quite sure as to how this all happened.
I already know the truth about you and Barbra.
I already know how she feels about you, and how you feel about her.
I only wish you could have been more honest with me about the situation because it would have helped me to move on with my life.
Your actions confused me, again my issue.
But I guess you are right, as my reactions have always been so unpredicable you probably were too scared and felt too unsafe to let me know you had fallen in love with another woman.
You did not want to hurt me by telling me that you are now intimate with her, which explains your defensivness.
I know in your way you love me, and I know you do not want to hurt me any more.
BUT can you and I please start fresh, now without any more lies, drama, or manipulation?
We have 8 kids that need us to work together.
We need to put aside the past now, and get our act together for them.
You have made your intentions very clear to me, I told you I accepted your decision.
You agreed to let us be settled in California and then we would work together with a mediator.
Do I still have your word on that?
That we would not be nasty, and you would help me as much as possible so that I could return to school, and begin a life also.
Are you sure you want me and the kids to move to California?
Would you prefer your space and have us move later on in the year?
This is the stuff we need to talk about.
I also have the option of moving to Colorado to be with my sister.
Maybe at this time of your life it might be better for you to not have your family so close by, as you are doing some sort of self discovery.
I am being very frank with you, I do not want to be pacified anymore.
NO MORE LIES, you are not a good liar Diego!!
Truth and honesty only, OK.
Do we have a deal?????
By the way, I need you to send me a quick email telling me that I can send off the 401K stuff.
Thanks for listening,

******BY THE WAY SHE CALLS HIM DIEGO*******

Okay.

fredswife. You are NOT nuts. If you were nuts, and your husband ran off for months at a time to another state, while staying with another woman at least part time, and with you left to care for his mother and 8 kids, what kind of man would that make him?

I take it that you are having major anxiety problems. That doesn't make you nuts, and it is understandable given the circumstances.

He is blaming you for his choices.

Please stop engaging in such conversations with him. I outlined some verbiage for you in a previous post. Please study it.

Even if you do suffer from schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, there is no excuse for what he is doing. If you are suffering from an ailment, his actions are certainly contributing to the condition.

I warned you that he would spew bull at you. There it is. Ignore it as best you can, or block his email address.

Do stop engaging him in any conversations other than what we have outlined. You might as well be talking to a tree. He can't hear you right now.

Do take care of you and the kids. If that means you take the phone off the hook and block email so that you can all catch your breath, then do it.

Are you following me on this?

God bless,
Gimble

Hi, fredswife.

Quote:
=================================
MY RESPONSE TO HUSBAND:
I WAS TRYING TO BE MATTER OF FACT NO APOLOGIES, NO NEEDINESS
=================================

The letter is well done. Here is the deal though, he is not going to be reasonable with you. He will not be instructed by you. He will lie in response to you and tell you anything you want to hear.

You can NOT trust him for anything, period. That especially means matters of the heart and matters of finance. He has and will continue to spend you broke, all of it so that he can be with her.

Please consider a legal separation so that you can protect your children, finances and enforce his support of the family. Don't warn him that you are considering it, just contact your attorney Tuesday morning and handle it. He will find out when he gets served. Do tell your attorney about the abandonment and the recent shenanigans with the unemployment check.

From this point, tell him nothing of your plans about anything. Document what he has done and give it to your attorney. This is to protect you in case he claims you are unstable.

God bless,
Gimble

Unfortunately I have contacted attorneys in my state and was advised NOT to do anything from here but to wait until I get to California.

For the last time...read my words.

I am not intimate with anyone.

I have not left you for another woman.

I am not having a physical or emotional affair.

I am trying to find sanity.

I see and understand what you are saying.

These are old issues.

I have the biggest presentation of my life tomorrow. I am not going to have your drama ruin it for me.

I am glad you have finally calmed down. It makes me feel I can communicate with you. After my presentation I will call you. In the mean time you will have to be patient.

Thank you for the photos.

Does your husband have a long employment history, and does he usually keep his jobs for a long time?

Why do you ask?
He does not keep his jobs for more then an average of 5 years, and there were bouts of unemplyment lasting up to 6 months each.

just for the record, I am not mental.
Developed anxiety disorder when ths first happened, and started meds for it in January when I had a breakdown and lost about 30 pounds.
I do have major PMS which I have learned to chart and everyone in the house looks for the big red xx'x on the calendar. I decided about a year ago to make myself accountable for those days when I was really nuts, so that the family would know this was a bad day to ask mom for anything.
I am a reactionary person, talk before I think and am working on that.
Have learned how to apologize, and am making great strides in my self control, but it is hard when constantly baited into a fight.