Okay, that is not bad. He is a steady worker. I'm just trying to figure out what your next move should be. Try to stay calm, and realize that the chances are excellent that he will return to the family.

I am praying for that very same thing, thank you!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You and your family are in my prayers. Try to relax the best you can. These things take time. I know it is miserable in the meantime though. Try to take good care of YOU and those children.

HE SENT YET ANOTHER EMAIL WHICH I POSTED COMPLETELY DENYING EVERYTHING.I FIND IT SO IRONIC THAT HE WOULD DO THAT.
HE KEEPS INSISTING HE IS INNOCENT. HE DOES NOT KNOW WHAT I KNOW AND I WILL NOT TELL HIM MY SOURCES.

YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, HE DOES SOUND SINCERE.

Fredswife ~

It just doesn't matter. This is a battle you don't want to fight, it will cost you more pain and anguish than its worth.

Just assume, that if his fingers are typing or his lips are moving that its a lie. Whew, now you have alot more free time! And then get on with your plan to care for yourself and the children.

YES, I KNOW, I KNOW.
IT IS JUST SO HARD TO WATCH THE ONE YOU LOVE SELF DESTRUCT.
I AM PRAYING FOR A MIRACLE.

Don't watch it then.

And don't forget that he is a grown man, who is choosing this. It's not like he has tripped and fallen.

If you just assume he is lying unless you can verfiy 150% without a doubt, then you are relieved of the stress of trying to figure it out.

Make your decisions and live your life with the knowledge that he is lying no matter what his lips say or fingers type.

Life with the certainity of his lies is better than feeling nuts because his words and reality don't match, right?

Hi, fredswife.

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just for the record, I am not mental.
Developed anxiety disorder when ths first happened, and started meds for it in January when I had a breakdown and lost about 30 pounds.
I do have major PMS which I have learned to chart and everyone in the house looks for the big red xx'x on the calendar. I decided about a year ago to make myself accountable for those days when I was really nuts, so that the family would know this was a bad day to ask mom for anything.
I am a reactionary person, talk before I think and am working on that.
Have learned how to apologize, and am making great strides in my self control, but it is hard when constantly baited into a fight.
===============================

I didn't think you were 'mental'. The anxiety disorder was easy to pick up, and he is not helping it. I suspect that once you are on the other side of this, you will find that your life is not so anxious anymore.

Even with his baiting you, which he very obviously is doing, and that is a major portion of his manipulation, you still will have to quickly learn how to disconnect yourself from it. It's a matter of survival to do so.

As for the lawyer, my wife and I have had a read of some of your state's statutes regarding divorce. You may want to get a second opinion as to your options. The thing is, he is going to spend you broke unless you legally protect yourself and the children. You can do that now, and then drag out any actual divorce, or even re-file in a different venue (California) if you end up pursuing a divorce. Please talk to another lawyer and tell them about your situation - in detail, and the 401k, all of it. Ask them how to protect what is left of your finances and your kids.

You have made remarkable strides out of your denial and into the light of day. That is a very hard thing to do. You are quite the soldier in dealing with your situation now. Keep it up.

Do lean on the ladies here for your emotional support. You wouldn't believe or rather you probably would now, what some of the folks posting to you have been through. It's pretty amazing. You are in good company here.

God bless,
Gimble

I know this is going to sound redundant, but even though I have the proof, and have told him calmly that "I know the truth, I don't need any explations or details, but your secret is out, and I know you are involved in an affair" he still is trying to make me out to be mentally impaired.
In some ways my history of over reacting, and how I have handled this situation, has probably given him credence to think so.
I have posted the letter I wrote to him, I think it was a good letter, but again his response was total denial.
I just don't understand why.
I have read many posts here, and I know many people deny it.
I just find it totally amazing that he is so scared to admit the truth.
Wouldn't it help his conscience?
It is hard to keep up the pretence when I know I have lied about something, maybe it is because I understand what integrity means.
I do need to know something, do you really believe that this affair will one day end?
I know you are not a fortune teller, but how long can they keep this up, and ignore the truth around them?
I made myself a promise yesterday, tht I will fight the good fight.
I do want my marriage saved but I also know that I have to handle this the right way.
No more emotional stuff, business like conversations, etc.
No calls to him, or asking questions.
Being matter of fact, and no more being baited into fights.
There is one thing, IF he was the one who asked for the divorce back in December, then what leverage do I even have?
I guess I am glad no papers have been filed, that is a good thing.
BUT if he is dead set on having this relationship with OW what chance in ****** do I have of winning back my husband??

Fredswife ~ again, take the focus off the question of why he is denying. It just doesn't matter.

Just assume everything out of his mouth is a lie - don't you think that's at least a much more reliable reality to cope with?

Did you read what Gimble posted about your financial and legal situation?

He's right you know.

Find out what you can do TODAY to protect yourself, forget about California right now.

You can not trust your husband to protect you.

You can not trust your husband to protect his children.

You must protect yourself and them.


No this is not really a good thing. I'll tell you why.

It is very typical on your husband's side of things - every WS wants a divorce immediately, but they ALL want their BS to file and do the paper work. Very funny haha isn't it?

The problem is, if you don't file, he gets to bleed the family assests dry to support his affair.

Do you see why he doesnt file? Its not in his benefit to file. As long as you sit at home wringing your hands in a power struggle over who is telling the truth, hoping that he'll just suddenly admit you are brilliant and come home, and not taking steps to protect yourself, your husband's affair is ENABLED.

Taking steps to file for divorce NOW where you are currently, means that you are in charge of the divorce.

Now, suddenly, you've just driven up the cost of his affair.

He has to pay child support, and divide up assets with you, and provide accounting to a judge.

No more fun fun fun freely spending as he wants. This does add enormous pressure to the affair. Don't worry about his current employment status at the moment.

No judge in his right mind is going to look at your husbands abandonment of 8 children as anything but what it is.

I know you don't want a divorce, you want to save your marriage.

But hoping to appease him will only ensure that you end up divorced. Seriously.

Going along with whatever a WS wants does NOT end up in a saved marriage.

Allowing a WS to experience consequences for their lies and betrayal actually increases the chance the WS will come home.

Hi, fredswife.

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I do need to know something, do you really believe that this affair will one day end
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I do honestly believe that it will.

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I just find it totally amazing that he is so scared to admit the truth.
================================

It is amazing, but true. You read of Believer's plight with her husband. Caught him 'in the act', and he still denied an affair.

For a wayward spouse to admit the truth, they have to face the reality (as best as they can through a foggy brain) of what they are doing. Then comes the justification phase. You are seeing part of that in his making everything that is wrong with the world, your fault. Wait until he admits the affair, then the real babble starts to flow.

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I just don't understand why.
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It doesn't matter right now. What you do about it, DOES matter right now.

Quote:
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I know you are not a fortune teller, but how long can they keep this up, and ignore the truth around them?
================================

Possibly for years. Since it has already been going on so long, probably not much longer. Statistically, affairs that are not interfered with, last about 18 - 24 months. Few go on to marriage, of those few, less than 25% make it past 3 years. Affairs are puppy love based fantasies. It takes a lot of work for two infidels to turn an affair into a real marriage. That is pretty rare.

Affairs that get busted usually crumble shortly thereafter, but not always. It depends on the level of entanglement, and your hubby is pretty entangled with his illicit partner.

So, your chances that he will come home now that he is busted are fairly good, but I wouldn't expect immediate results. That does NOT mean that your troubles are over when he does.

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I guess I am glad no papers have been filed, that is a good thing.
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Nope, that is a bad thing. Please see my other posts on filing, and read what BrambleRose had to say.

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BUT if he is dead set on having this relationship with OW what chance in ****** do I have of winning back my husband??
===============================

There is a good chance of winning him back. Believe it or not, the question for you, in your mind, not from us, will become one of "Do I want him back?".

God bless,
Gimble

I read your words, I understand them.
I know you would never admit to anything right now because it would mean facing something that could ruin your new found happiness.
I also know you are afraid right now.
I would be scared too!!
Like I told you before my reactions to things have made you feel unsafe to be honest with me.
I know you care about me, I know you love me and you do not want to hurt me any more then you already have.
I know that by saying the words out loud you would think I would freak out completely and do something really foolish.
My past actions have dictated so.
To say the words out loud would bring you shame and right now you do not want to even deal with things other then getting a job, and focusing on getting your life together.
I know you are scared of what I may do.
I know that my past actions have caused you to believe all of those things, and I am not denying it.
I had reached a point of no control, and I am sorry to say this but you helped to get me to the brink of insanity.
I have admitted to my fears of losing you, and not handling the problems correctly. I have been ashamed of many of my actions, my unkind words and I have apologized for them.
I now know my part of the problem.
You had needs that were not met by me.
You asked me for things that you needed and emotionally I was unable to give them to you at the time.
I didn't even understand myself so how was I to understand you?
You had them met by someone else.
So, yes this is partly my fault too.
But I do know the truth, and I will not pretend anymore.
You shouldn't either, Diego.
I hope one day you will be able to trust me enough to come clean with me.
You do owe me that much.
As I continue to work on myself perhaps you and I will regain the trust that has been lost between us.
I also do not wish to fight about it anymore.
It isn't worth it.
I actually feel better knowing that I was not imagining anything, and that I am not crazy or insane.
For me knowing the truth has helped me to move on, even though I would have prefered to have heard it from you.
Our focus is now on the kids and getting to a place where we can have a good friendship, and put all of this behind us.
That is all I want from you.

P.S. Good luck today, Iam excited to hear how it went!!

Got written confirmation to cash out 401K.
I made sure I had this in writing from him so that I couldn't be accused of fraud or theft.
I am keeping the money for me and the kids to live on, I will send him $3000 of it so that he has something.
The bulk of it I can live off of for the next 6 months, pay my bills and my mortgage payments.

Good lord......please be aware that whatever you take out of your 401K is taxable income for 2005.
Not to mention the 10% penalty for early withdrawal.

You better set aside enough of that money to pay the taxes. Depending on the amount, you may have put yourself into a higher tax bracket, not to mention the phase-outs of credits and deductions that you may depend on.

either that or lose my house...which one sounds better

You are going to send him $3,000. to continue his affair?? And he is not working to support his 8 kids and you???????
YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just didn't want you to get a big surprise come April.

Yeah -- why exactly does he get money?

Whose account is this? yours? If so, you get the tax burden and support his continuing affair?

Why would you do this?

Hi, fredswife.

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Got written confirmation to cash out 401K.
I made sure I had this in writing from him so that I couldn't be accused of fraud or theft.
I am keeping the money for me and the kids to live on, I will send him $3000 of it so that he has something.
The bulk of it I can live off of for the next 6 months, pay my bills and my mortgage payments.
=================================

Outstanding!

Instead of sending him any money, consider sending brother in law $500 for his trouble since hubby is supposed to be staying with him.

Make sure the money goes into an account that he can not access.

God bless,
Gimble

Hi, fredswife.

I forgot to mention, and it goes without saying, but he is going to be very angry.

Water on a duck's back for you.

God bless,
Gimble