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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 3
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 3 |
Hi I'm brand new here. Just got separated from my wife of 20 years, 3 great kids. I'm devastated that we are separated & will do anything to get back together! I cheated on her twice (okay sounds awful, but the details are that I received oral from 2 prostitutes). It meant nothing to me - just a stupid thing when I was feeling lonely and like she did not care or love me. I was so stupid! We went to counseling for the first time today but she says she may never take me back - I'm so heartbroken I am devastated. Can anyone give me any ideas of how to soften her hardened heart. I think I had my midlife crisis and she is having hers now - she works out and looks at least 10 years younger than her age of 42. She seems to have lost interest in me. Please help with ideas. Thanks!
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 180
Member
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Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 180 |
1. Read this site
2. Do the things on this site
3. Figure out exactly what needs weren't being met and why that drove you to hire a couple of prostitutes. When the time is right and she calms down and decides to really work on the marriage share those with her in the least hurtful way possible.
4. Be very nice to your wife and keep with the marriage counseling. Apologise profusely and let her know you want this marriage more than anything in the world.
5. Be patient.
The opposite of love isn't hate...it's indifference
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Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 40
Member
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Member
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 40 |
I believe your heart is now in the right place. Your wife needs to believe it too. How do you demonstrate your remorse and help her recover from the broken trust?
1. Do not justify or minimize your actions. When you say it was "only" oral sex or "only" a prostitute, you are sending the message that it was only a little trust violation. Don't defend the action or compare yourself to those who've "REALLY" cheated ie. LTR, multple affairs, etc. Cheating is cheating and there are no acceptable variations to betrayal.
2. Be consistent. Reveal EVERYTHING about your day-to-day activities and leave nothing to doubt. Be where you say you are. Better yet, be with her whenever you can.
3. Be patient. You have shattered her trust. She has to learn to trust you all over again. It will take time.
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 948
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Member
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 948 |
Excellent advice from Tibolt and onpaperonly. Believe me, I filed for divorce in February and my heart was incredibly hardened to my H. Just follow the advice here, and be patient. Be an open book. Don't minimize. Sounds like she's taking good care of herself. You take care of yourself too. There is an incredible opportunity here for you to learn about brokenness, surrender and what God has in store for you. My FWH wrote me some letters expressing how much he wanted to save the M and I wrote him back. It allowed us to move through some stages.
BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
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