I believe that my husband and I have both been unhappy for a long, long time. I know I have. I ask him if he's happy or if we have a good relationship in his eyes and he says "yes". Well I just found out that he has put a personal ad for sex. He denied it at first, but finally came clean. He says he has not cheated on me. I think this is. I've tried to talk about this whole mess. Has he cheated or am I over reacting?

I can't say whether or not he's actually cheated. What's clear is that he was intending to do so. He may have possibly already done it. Have you two considered marriage counseling?? There is a underlying issue here not being discussed. I'd get to a counselor asap.

There is a reason he is doing this. Find it and fix it.

There could be a ton of underlying causes. However, how do we get to them? He does not like talking about anything...especially uncomfortable or embarrassing. We've had problems our entire time together. We've been together 12 years. It was rocky from the start...he has lied about so many things in the past. Stupid things. We slowly drifted apart sexually, emotionally. We do not share our thoughts, dreams, joys and fears with each other...at least not on any kind of serious level. Sex is non existant; has been for about 4 years. I cannot get close to him if I don't feel close to him.

I have asked him many times questions of what would make things better. He insists all is fine. I asked what would bring it from fine to fantastic, but I get "I dont know".

In the past he has lied about online porn, phone sex and who knows what I may not know about. He lied about this online ad until I presented him with the facts. He has a very hard time being up front. Now he says he woulnd't have actually followed through...he did it for fun. I do not believe that he would use a pay site for fun if he wasn't planning on following through. Besides, if he thought it was fun to write the ad...of course it would be exciting to get a response. Of course he would follow through. He says that since he did not follow through on anything, that he has not been unfaithful.

My problem is I can't talk about the emotional part of our relationship. I need the feeling of being loved, number one in his life, passion, commitment, loyalty, support. He understands these only as words. How do I get him to understand the feelings and actions that go along with these words?

I suggested marriage counsling. I don't think this is something we can do on our own. Apparently we've not done a good job at it so far. He was initially reluctant.Now he says "if you want to then fine". But it wasn't heart felt. So I told him that if he is serious about saving our marriage, he needs to find a couple counselors and find out what is involved on getting started. I told him he can take this week to do that and we can go over them this weekend. He has yet to do it as far as I know. He hasn't said anything.

If it was just sex, I could do it. But it isn't just about sex. There is a mountain of distrust, lies, and hurt under us.