I had an entire hour's appointment with my frog prince's boss yesterday. He will make an appointment to talk with WH on Thursday or Friday and he is going to offer to transfer Skunkypoo to a similar position in another bank branch.

Meanwhile WH and I have an "appointment" to talk about his last week's session with Steve Harley this Wednesday evening. I will hear out what he has to say. Then I will tell him that I have talked to his boss and that he is going to offer to transfer Skunkypoo. I expect him to either accept that offer and establish NC once and for all or for him to make a new start for me and our daughters possible. I have gone far beyond the limits of suffering that I can endure. If he wants to continue living next door at his mother's I will expect him to sell our house and buy a new house or appartment that is large enough for me and our daughters in the city where they go to school. In this way I will no longer have to see him or interact with him while he continues a relationship with Skunkypoo.

WH's boss is going to let me know how his talk with WH goes. Since WH is the boss of the branch where he works all his boss needs is his o.k. and he will see to it that a transfer occurs within the next couple of weeks. Skunkypoo will be faced with the choice of accepting the transfer or leaving the bank alltogether.

If WH does not give his approval, he will get a plan B letter and the ball in his court to sell our house.

Strangely, I am no longer as frightened of the prospect of making a new start without WH. It sounds peaceful.

Good. I like your stance. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Who is this masked poster who had traveled so very far from her first post...

the one riddled with stagnation, anxiety, insomnia, etc..

what HAPPENED to HER>???!!...

Not that I miss her...cause I like this new poster who sounds much stronger...

hold off for a few days after his answer...don't do Plan B in direct retaliation for his decision/indecisions..

but my my..
you do sound well...

ARK <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Orchid, I appreciate your support! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Actually WH's boss said himself that I need to be tough and make WH choose to either go along with the transfer or loose me, daily contact with his children, the beautiful house we built.

Time to be tough. I am ready. No more walking on egg shells. He either goes NC with Skunkypoo or I go NC with him.

Since he always goes the route of least resistance and his boss is going to take care of the dirty work, I'd be suprised if he didn't go that route, but I am expecting a temper tantrum... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Even then, I still have some negotiating to do before he moves back in with me and the kids from his mother's. I think it is time for me to cut off SF until he follows up with a NC letter, and agrees to instill the POJA in our marriage. I would also like him to put up a foto of me and the children in his office and for him to not only ask me to wear my wedding ring, but for him to wear his also (he's never worn his).

Is cutting of SF a good idea at this point? I am thinking in terms of withdrawal.

Oh, Ark!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

My it is thanks to you all, my friends here (and the wonderful world of pyscho-pharma) that I am doing better and have my life back in control.

I still have the occasional panic attack, but I've learned to deal with them. Thanks to meds I sleep like a babe and am gaining my creativity at work back. I am also back up to a whopping 108 lbs and fill out my A cup bras! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> snort!

I have realized that I am NOT powerless and that I do not have the makings of a permanent feel-sorry-for-herself victim.

You're sounding good LT!

Your WH couldn't have a clearer option - "He either goes NC with Skunkypoo or I go NC with him".

Good luck...but, either way, you will be fine.

Tonight is our scheduled "R" talk and I am nervous as all get out. I think I'll take a half of one of the pills my doc gave me for panic attacks about an hour before WH gets home.

He's supposed to do his assignment from Steve Harley and I'm supposed to act like I don't know what he is supposed to do. Step 1a and 1b towards reconciliation. That means (1a) owning his affair and no longer placing ANY blame on me or anyone or anything else than HIMSELF. (1b) Revealing all the details that I need to know about the affair. I am supposed to let WH lead me through steps 1-3.

WH has already failed once with Step 1a... but he did take partial responsibility for his affair for the first time. Meanwhile he has reverted back to saying that the affair happened because I wasn't fulfilling his needs...strangley he can't remember what needs it was that I was not meeting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

My expectations are not real high. WH is WAY to comfortable on that fence gorging himself. who knows, maybe he'll suprise me.

I KNOW that I am going to suprise him and that is what I am so nervous about it. Tonight I will tell him that he must make a choice. Either write a NC letter, transfer OW, and go to extraordinary measures to ensure that there is absolutely NC with OW ever again, or I go NC with him. He'll say that a transfer is not possible and then I will tell him that his boss will be calling him to make an appointment with him for tomorrow or Friday to offer his support in tranferring OW to a different bank branch asap. I expect him to either accept this offer or to make a new start for me without him in my life possible.

He will be furious that I talked to his boss. He will feel so ashamed when he talks to his boss.

I am frightened, but determined. I know, and you all know here, I'm not going to back down. Either option is better than the current situation.

I guess I just need re-enforcement, good vibes, and prayers from my friends here!

Bravo, losttranslation!!! We are all pulling for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This is an update on last night's conversation.

What did WH get out of his second appointment with SH? I got the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech. He said I shouldn't take it as a blame because I didn't do anything wrong. I asked if there was anything else that he got out of his appointment or anything he would like to share. He said no.

I told him that he must know how his continued contact with Skunypoo causes me to suffer. He has been promising for a year now to cut off contact with her, but has done nothing about keeping that promise. I can not take this permanent state of humiliation and psycho-terror. He has to either cut off contact with Skunkypoo now or I will cut off contact with him now. He said that that wasn't possible for him to organize at this moment. I said I realize that and that is why I have organized this for you. Your boss is going to approach you before the end of the week with an offer to transfer Skunkypoo to a similar or better position in another bank branch that is even closer to her home. I expect you to either accept this offer or to make a new start for me without you in it possible.

Boy, was he angry.
Frog Prince: You are just manipulating me.
Me: Yes, honey I am using openess and honesty to keep you from further manipulating me.

Frog Prince: You have no right to interfere in my work!
Me: Wait a minute, I'm confused. Let me see if I understand this right. You think it is not ok for your wife to interfere in your work, but it is ok for your employee to interfere in our marriage, manipulate our children, and tear our family apart?

Frog Prince: If we split up I expect you to allow me enough to live on to have fun.
Me: Yes, honey, I realize that all you want me to do is let you have fun.

Frog Prince: I'm going to consult a lawyer about my rights.

Then he gets up to leave and I say: " Well honey, see what your boss has to say and think hard about it. The best solution for you, us, and our children is for us to fall in love again, but that is not going to happen as long as you continue to have contact with Skunkypoo and keep this triangle going."

Comments?

You can imagine how I feel. I was hoping that he would accept his boss's offer. Now I am not so sure he will...

Hi, LT.

I love it whenever a betrayed spouse knocks the fence out from under a wayward spouse with a sledge hammer. The shock of the fall is so much more exciting that way.

I think you did good.

Gimble

If I did good, why do I feel so crummy? Why am I holding the toilet seat like a steering wheel today? Why does the betrayed spouse always feel guilty about exposing the affair?

It doesn't always feel right, but I am relying on the experience here and seeking hope and guidance by the success stories.

If WH accepts the offer to transfer OW, I am going to have a grudging, resentful spouse on my hands and probably a long drawn out withdrawal. I don't have a way to control his email at work and he sure as heck is not going to give me access to his cell phone...

If WH doesn't accept the offer, I'll implement Plan B. I won't be a wimp about it either... none of this wishy-washy stuff. ABSOLUTELY NC with WH. It will be tough since I live right in the middle of the in-laws and i don't want to lose my rights to this house by leaving it, but I can do it. I'll have to get the kids to understand that Mom can not have ANY contact Papa until he has terminated his relationship completely and forever with Skunkypoo. They are 10 and 17 and each have their own cell phones. I will change the lock to the house. I'll encourage him to move out of his mother's to the apartment on the other side of the village.

Maybe Plan B is better....
Do WS generally come back with a smidgen of remorse and willingness to work on the M?

Orchid: Because the WS was still there at the end of the convo and you thought your H w/b back. Toilet seat vs steering wheel. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

BS don't like to make trouble and that is what exposure does. Cause trouble for the A. What the BS has to realize is that making trouble for the A is the normal thing t/d. A's are backwards.


Orchid: Reality can and does bite. Truth hurts but stupidity removes all doubt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> As for the guidance here, well there's a lot of experience. Can't say all works for all but you need t/b selective. That's why it is important for you to know yourself (plan A), ID your boundaries and implement them. That way when anyone tries to rock your world, you will land on your feet.


Orchid: Don't play the 'what if' game. It is hard not to play the game but the price is high.


Orchid: Again get out of the 'what if' game. ID your boundaries 1st. Then when you are faced with what really happens, then you w/b in a better position to react. You may surprise yourself.


Orchid: Plan B generally brings relief. Less WS contact.


Orchid: No guarantees. That is why plan B s/b executed for the right reasons instead of what we want.

Right Reason: To protect the BS' love for their spouse (not the WS). Increase the distance and reduce the contact with the WS.

What we want: Have our the WS return to the home, family and marriage.

What is wrong with what we think we want:

1. You did not marry a WS, you married your spouse. 2 totally different speicies.

2. You really don't want the WS back. You want and should want your spouse to want to come back.


JMHO,
L.

Good advice and well heeded. I need to stop obsessing about what ifs. Just don't go there.

Somehow I find myself thinking through the different scenarios so I don't get take by surprise. Not good. I end up obsessing and even get a panic attack.

I'll concentrate on my boundaries. I know them, I've stated them very clearly to WH. If he doesn't respect them its Plan B.


You are so right Orchid! I don't want an unwilling WS back home. I want my husband and I want him to want to come home.

Orchid: It is ok to be prepared but not when it makes you sick.


Orchid: Whoa..... your boundaries are set for you. Whether he respects them or not, you set and implement those boundaries. Do not make your decisions dependent solely on a Ws. If you do, you w/b setting yourself up to fail.


Orchid: Good. Remember that and remember to watch his eyes and actions, more than his words.

L.

With b0b pure's prodding for more creative ways to expose, I now have an appointment with our village priest in half an hour.

My boundaries and implementations:

I will not powerstruggle.

I will not commit love busters.

I will not let WH move back into our house until I have proof that he has established NC with Skunkypoo.

I will avoid triggers for panic attacks and when I do feel one coming I will combat it with breathing exercises, yoga, and/or medication, not a couple glasses of wine.

I will not feel sorry for myself.

I will protect my children from being exposed to OW.

I will provide my children with a safe, stable, and cheerful environment.

I will no longer have sex with WH until he is moved back home, established NC, and committed to working on our marriage.

I will exercise daily.

If WS declines his boss's offer to transfer Skunkypoo, I will implement Plan B within 2 weeks.

It is also logical that he assumes more care for his parents...

which is not abandoning...

it is a natural consequance of his choice to have a girlfriend...

infact suggest his girlfriend care them....

you gave up your country for this man...
and he abandons you

ARK^^

Ark^^,

I made it clear to WH last night that a new start would not be possible with me still embedded in his family and I would want to sell the house and buy a house or appartment in the city the children visit school. Then he can continue living with MIL rent free and take over my part of caring for her.

My MIL may suffer from dementia, but she still has enough wits about her that she would not let OW come near her. She adores me and my children and has always treated me like a favorite daughter. She would be devastated if the children and I were to move away and WH certainly knows this.

I wonder if it has ever occured to WH who is going to cook for all the HUGE family celebrations we have? What about the dinner parties for business associates? Skunkypoo can't even do a small dinner party without her meddling mother's help. And believe me, no man on earth would want Skunkypoo's mother meddling in their lives, just ask OWH. Has WH even thought about what life would truly be like with Skunkypoo? She has two children --- one severely impaired, but physically fairly healthy except for the occasional seizure. Skunkypoo's family is dreadful --- loud, crude, and always hanging out watching TV at OW's place (this is btw the Frog Prince's own description of them --- before the A). If it comes to a D, the Frog Prince will not have much to offer Skunkypoo financially (my lawyer says standard would be pretty much everything we own plus 2/3 of his income) and since we are talking infidelity and someone who gave up their continent and family, I could probably get more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Does he want to spend his live on the couch watching TV with his new ILs and changing diapers for an ever growing impaired child? How does he think our daughters would react? He adores them; he must realize he will no longer be a part of their daily lives.

And he just wants me to move on so he can have fun?

WHERE DO THE BRAINS OF WS GO?

I spoke with WH's boss after his talk with WH and offer to transfer OW. WH needs time to think about it and plans to talk to me about it soon. Soon for WG could mean years... Our village priest visited him today.

I think I will be real busy until the 14th and do the 180 trick... no more sex, no more inviting him for the evening family dinners, make sure I have friends over often and be out on the terrace enjoying a glass of wine with them around the time he gets home from work and not invite him to join us. Look like I'm having fun and moving on. I'll call SH again during this time and get his ok for Plan B. Then I'll give him the Plan B letter, talk to the kids about my need for absolutely NC with WH, and then I'll go deep dark.

Wasnt the whole purpose of the Boss' talk was so there wasn't anything for the WS to think about? Thought the decision to move the OW was out of his hands? Hm.... sounds more like he needs to think of another miserable A plan to dump on you.

Get ready for more crap t/b thrown your way. Get those golashes out.

take care,
L.