if only my BS felt like you, then we could get on with making our marriage the way it should be...i really like the idea about remarrying with new vows.
Spyglass, I'm going to be graphic here but most bs would agree with this...Your wife has been GUTTED, her heart RIPPED OUT, DOUBLY betrayed (cheating and gambling). And you expect her to COMMIT to YOU and MARRIAGE with you right now??? I just don't see how that would be a smart move, do you? The best I could give my husband was that I would not make any decisions about the staying in the marriage for SIX MONTHS. She's in the WORST pain of her life. I recommend you read "After the Affair" by Janis Spring or Dave Carder's book, "Torn Asunder" so that you can learn a little about what she is experiencing.
It basically said that the past is the past and it can’t be changed. We can learn form it but it is how we act in the present that counts. Don’t live and grieve in the past. Enjoy and experience the present.
As a WS, you can't wait to put this all behind you. Sorry, it just doesn't work that way. You can't jump over to recovery or skirt around it. You have to work your way THROUGH it. Right now your wife doesn't need any demands from you. She has experienced a terrible trauma. And YOU, her life partner, caused it. She needs you to help her heal. You've been given good advice above. Take care of her. Your needs have to be put aside for now. Ask what you can do to help her. Have you written a no-contact letter? Have you written a letter to her to show her you understand the GRAVITY of what you've done and how TERRIBLY SORRY you are? Tell her how you painfully regret every time you looked at another woman, every word you betrayed her with, every touch, every step you took down that path...do you regret it?
One of the main points that I remember is that she thinks I am acting.
SG, haven't you been acting/lying for the entire length of your affair? Again, giving her time and consistency with your actions will help to reassure her of your true intentions. It's a sad but true fact that in her eyes you are a LIAR right now. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. I just want to help you understand how she may be feeling.
(one of her normal replies to dismiss things that I have been reading, especially in relation to sexual desires
Can you see how she might view this as a DEMAND? Again, right now, she probably rightly feels you are in no position to demand anything.
However I do want her to face up that she is not perfect and can improve herself in relation to our marriage.
She knows this already and probably feels that she may have been responsible for your affair. She would be WRONG, of course. YOU made that choice. She helped to make the marriage vulnerable to an affair, as did you. Give her a little time to catch her breath after this devastating blow. Give her a little time to see that you are changing. That you are sorry, so very sorry. Tell her and show her that you will never betray her again.
It’s a long walk….but I hope it will be well worth it.
Average recovery time is two years, SG. And yes, it is TOTALLY worth it when you get there. Good luck!
Nat
