I hurt though. Very, very badly hurt.

It's hard to know what to say about this one. I don't know exactly how you feel, and I can't make it better, but I feel for you, and wish it was different.

When I refered to God bringing you happiness -

Psalms 30:5
For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

and this one:

John 14: 27
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

I think if he gives you that kind of peace, you will be happy. I also believe that if you follow the course you are on now, and do the best you can, it will be given to you.

Use your time tonight to rest, not worry.
Pray, let his peace fill your heart.

Praying for you.

SS

((((((FF)))))))

sorry for your pain.

Thanks, SS. I really needed those verses. My WH is moping around and it just makes my heart ache more. Smur, thanks for the hugs.

FF -

The saddest thing is that he is making such a HUGE mistake, and there is nothing you can do about it. My WH gave up a nice life to be with the OW. He does not seem happy at all. I think it is just a matter of time before everything comes crashing down. All of our money is gone. What should have been our best years are gone.

It hurts to see them make such awful mistakes.

FF, has your H ever considered going to IC??? he really needs it, kwim?

I know B and he knows but he can't seem to stop self destructing and I have to get out of the way.

FL, he won't. Did it for a while with a really lousy and expensive C plus all the MC we did together. Yes he needs it but vows never again.

Yep - that is exactly how my WH is. He seems to be powerless against his self-destruction, and doesn't really seem to care.

I had to remove myself from the situation. Three years of this cr*p was enough for me. It is one thing to sit around waiting if your partner is making an effort, but it is hopeless to sit and watch everything that you have worked for go down the drain, with the spouse just watching the destruction.

My WH used to be a good man, but there is nothing left of that man.

We had a long, nearly all night poignantly honest talk last night. We both cried. The D is my choice to remove myself from his triangle. He cannot find it within himself to remove OW from his life. We talked long and honestly about the mistakes we both made along the way of the past 16 years together. My A, his pulling away, my need for control, his resentment of my trying to control, his lying spinning out of control. His wanting the best of both worlds by desperately trying to hang on to both of us. His sadness about our DS and the hope he has because of his new son. He need to protect our DD and his fear I will move on which he admits I need to. He will move in with his brother. Our original D agreement will stand with no fight from him. He wants to see the kids daily initially and eventually as life changes rework the visitation. I have a promise from him (no I did not ask for it)to do everything in his power to give our DD all the love and protection she needs from her dad. He has failed her thus far and hurts for it. He does not want her to turn to other things to fill that emptiness his absence will cause so he has promised himself that he will be the one to fill that whole from now own. I got many apologies for all that has happened and I apologiezed as well. We will co parent our kids and I will no longer be filling his ENs. He will have to look to himself or OW for that.

My heart aches but I finally am not full of fear.

An aside to BR and Pep (susan too). What I have learned from you ladies the past few weeks all came to me last night. I finally, finally grieved the "loss" of my mother as a child to OM. I finally understand why I try to control my H. It is my attempt to control what HAPPENS TO ME. It is an attempt to control how others hurt me. I do believe (and I ordered two books about co-dependancy and letting go)this is truly the beginning of a new life for me. I should have continued my IC last year but dropped it for MC. I now know my IC and I were on the brink of discovery for me. My STBX understands now what I have been doing here for hours. Everything is out there and it is time for me to begin healing.

My IC is going to meet with my DD for some counseling. DD is very anxious to do so. She needs someone safe.

I am tired not much sleep last night.

Lots of hugs to you, dear. I'm short on wisdom today but long on compassion.

Dobie

FF - what a wonderful realisation that you truly feel this is the beginning of a new life for you. It's going to be tough; especially if your H intends to see DD every day. There will still be so much contact. I just wish you every blessing for a peaceful outcome to this long saga. TT

Hi TT, yes I do know it will be hard with so much contact. I will need to learn to detach which is why I ordered the books that I did. I will continue to work on me and when my Dd is grown I hope to have a healthy relationship/M to a good Christian man.

I share your dream. TT

Sweet one

ask me to break his knee caps no problem... ask me about how he reasons ..I'm lost as anyone else. He really does need IC work but if that brought him closer to you or further away? who knows!

I want to hear that you are doing good for yourself & family and that you have a good man next to you. I'll be hoping for that.

Many many hugs to you my dear friend. [[[[[[faithful]]]]]]

I am soooooo sorry. You're in my prayers.

{{{{{{FF}}}}}}}}

FF... it's good to hear DD wants to talk to someone. Lots of kids when presented with this possibility protest because they think seeing an IC means there's something wrong with them. She already knows there's nothing wrong with her, which is awesome.

{{FF}}

GC

The D is my choice to remove myself from his triangle. He cannot find it within himself to remove OW from his life.

This is your 'hill to die on' .... not being one of 2 wives.


His wanting the best of both worlds by desperately trying to hang on to both of us.

He wants 'the best of both worlds' at the expense of everyone around him. 100% selfishness. This is not how a MAN behaves. Understand? This is immaturity speaking ---. "I want it all. To he!! with what you want or what is good for you."

He will move in with his brother.

When?

He wants to see the kids daily initially and eventually as life changes rework the visitation.

Does he see them daily now?

Yes, he sees them daily now. Yes, it is selfish and immature and he admits to it. But he won't try to change and won't go to IC. He needs IC badly but I am removing myself from his chaos. I need to heal and become the best example for my kids I can be. I want my DD to know what a wife is, not this screwed up mess around her. OW can have the mess, he will never committ to her like he never fully committed to me. He admits to being a lousy H and father. At least he WANTS to become a better father.

When is he moving? Soon is all I get right now. He has to tell his brother what is going on. Then he has to tell brother that the rental prop we co-own with him will have to be sold as part of our settlement agreement. As my H is a CA I expect it will take some effort for him to do this.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I found out my mother was a WW when I showed up at her apartment for my 16th birthday. She was married to the OM - mere days after her divorce from my father was finalized. Surprise! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Guess what? I *JUST* found out (I'm 41) that she was a WW at least once before that. Nice.
I'm now suspicious that my little brother may be a half brother. I don't think I'll ever find out. I don't want to find out. I could never talk about this with my father or brother.

I had only recently made amends with my mother over her betrayal and abandonment of us for the OM, and then this new information came out. My mother is now institutionalized, and I won't be able to ever discuss this with her. I hate her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

{{{{FF}}}}

I have been following, but not posting. I don't have much to say, since I cannot seem to get inside your WH's head.

My only comment to you would be to *ensure* that the OC is actually his before introducing your kids to OC as thier half brother. DNA proof. Not WW or OM's word.

I am glad I had the pleasure of meeting you and your wonderful kids, and I know that you are making the very best out of a bad situation.

I had my wonderful father - your kids have wonderful you!

WST

Hey WST! I have been thinking about and wondering how you were. At this point since my H signed the BC I have to accept that legally that child is his. My H told me he looks just like our DS looked at that age. Yeah, like I needed to hear that! I am sorry about your mom. My mom is still m'd to OM and has been for over 25 years. She made her bed cuz he is one weird dude and I think has pretty much ruined her life except financially. Since my F did not provide financial security very well I guess this must have been her top EN. I don't hate my mother any more. I don't think I ever did but I was angry and deeply hurt. Every one of the 4 of us are still wounded from it. Imagine how horrified I am at myself that I started down the same path. Only by the grace of God did I not leave my family for OM.

I am glad you had a wonderful father. I do too, though at the time of their D he was emotionally absent and dealing with his own pain. I had no real parents when I was a teenager.

hi FF, for your sanity, get your H to give you a DATE. As in a month (this month?) and a day and even an hour if you can!!!

don't let him drag his feet FF, for your sake.

thanks for asking me how i was on my thread. i'm going to post there next.