I do have to confess that I am relatively new to this board, but have used it in the past and now have nowhere else to turn. For about the past 6 months, I have had
suspicions about my W and her co-worker having an affair. In spite of her confirming with me that she was happy, and had no intentions of leaving or was dissatisfied in
our marriage, something was amiss. Alas, I had logged into her email account, and found a message about them being together forever, how he can't wait to end
his current marriage, etc.

I started to cry, and decided to confront her with the issue. At which point, she decided to tell me that she's in love with two men, me, and the OP. I am not fulfilling
all of her needs, and she has been feeling 'incomplete,' for 6 months. She swears adamantly, which I mostly believe, that the affair has not turned physical. I asked if
she wanted to end our marriage, and she wasn't sure. I started to press the issue during the day, which was a poor choice. Now she is angry that I invaded her privacy
and betrayed her trust. Without really knowing what to do, I apologized for it, but she still seems like she already has her mind made up. She says that
I have been smothering her, and check up on her too much...she is a big girl and needs her independence, etc.

In this small town of ours, given her position as someone who is relatively well known, she has asked me not to say anything, but what am I supposed to do? I need
to unload this on someone, as I will explode if I end up keeping this in. I need to do something to save our marriage!

The other half of this is the fact that, in our first year of marriage, I had lied to her about numerous things, and hurt her deeply. I had gone to counseling and moved on.
We have had, or so I thought, a great second year of marriage. I have been one hundred percent honest with her, and now feel like she is going to leave
me just to retaliate, though she claims that is not the case.

I love this woman, and our marriage, and DO NOT want it to end. I would be devastated, and shattered. Please Help!

Bro I am sorry for your pain.

It sucks worse than anything found short of war.

Now, time to help-

The first thing you can do is read:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...p;vc=1&nt=9

Thanks for the link. I had read it before I posted, and, it really does sum up what is going on in my head. It is hard for me to get over the fact that I did cause pain so early on in our marriage. My wife is convinced that we can never be the same as 'before'. (It is hard for me to think about, and adhere to rule 4 in this situation).

She is really using rule 3 to her advantage, and it has tipped the scales towards her leaving and filing for D.

I'm half tempted to contact the OM, but am unsure as to what I would say; same thing if I were to talk to the OM's W. All three of them, W/OM/OM's W work together.

I just want to talk to her to try and see if we can work it out, work out a plan A without ending our marriage, but she is just not receptive to the idea. For the first time in our marriage, we slept in separate rooms.

I am at the end of my rope, and think that if I were out of the picture, things would be brighter.

It is absolutely essential to expose the affair to the OM's wife. By not doing this you are enabling the affair to continue and the OM has no reason to stop. Most of the time when you expose the affair the OM goes running home to the wife. The message you are sending is by not exposing is that it is all right for the OM to continue the affair now and in the future. You are making a huge mistake by not exposing the affair. Open your eyes and stop being afraid.

mlsrar

ok mate first of all you dont work exactly 'work with' your ww to do plan A - you just go ahead & do it.
Now do you fully understand what plan A is?
DO YOU NOW HOW LONG YOU MAY NEED TO DO THIS?

A good point to start is reading the post on this page called ... WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses ,,,excellent advice I've used it.... by worthatry.

Now you DO NOT agreed to not expose the affair under ANY circumstances..please say this now!!!
If her adultery is 'so right' why does she want it secret?
She is using emotional blackmail to keep you quiet while she cheats. DO NOT ACCEPT THIS.

Now also it is NOT invading her privacy by finding out she is cheating .... she has no right to privacy while attacking you and the M by cheating and committing adultery.
This is pure fog talk.

These comments of hers about I love 2 men, or I love you but not THAT way, or its all your fault ...CRAP this is pure by the book WS fog talk or babble.
It simply means leave me alone so I can have my affair without feeling guilty about you!!
This is what her comments are about.

Also I suspect its already gone PA mate, her attitude sounds far to defensive & agressive - you know the old saying - the best defense is a good offense? thats what she is doing here.

DO NOT BOTHER TALKING TO OM, waste of time mate. THis bloke has seduced a married woman...what do think he will do... my guess is laugh in your face.
but DO contact his wife and let her know whats going on ...its good odds that he's playing the field and has no intention of leaving his wife no matter what he has said to your ww.
AND DO NOT tell your ww you are going to do this, she & her OM will concoct a story about a jealous abusive H THATS YOU - etc etc etc and the OM's wife will think you are crazy.
get a copy of his email if possible and give it to her.

Frankly if after 2 years of M this is what you find then you may need to seriously sit back & consider if you have m the right person. But maybe not right now. Not good to make a decison like that in a emotional state.

Your ww has no right to privacy or secrets in regards to her adultery and cheating. Exposure slowly but surely shows the affair for what it is..if it didnt why would she want you to keep quiet?
First you start off with the OM's wife, then go to her family, her work - this can be most powerful as many workplaces have moral clauses in the employment contracts these days.
The ring of exposure goes out as her contact with the OM continues.
From work to church & so on & so on.

YES she will be very angry with you - so what - when you expose. SHE WILL THREATEN, say the M is now over & you did it, blah blah blah blah..... again babble mostly.
Now there are consequences to her actions..she may get fired, people will know whats shes done, the OM may get fired etc etc. THAT is not YOUR problem right now.
You problem is saving your M NOT HER JOB and certainly not hiding her affair.

IF she takes off then frankly I'd have to say if after 2 years of M this is whats she is about then maybe you let her go. I know this hurts, it sucks big time.

I will tell you this ..NOTHING you did previously 'caused' her to have an affair...that will be her next move, its all your fault she cheated - this was entirely her decison and she must face the consequences.
You share teh responsibility for allowing to get your M into aplace wher she could choose an afair...but SHE CHOSE IT!!

Quick summary
Now your first moves are to meet her EN's, dont worry if she wont cooperate, just do it, dont expect thanks you want get much, plug away.
At the same time begin exposure - yes its hard but it is SO important...bet you OM's wife has no inkling
Let her rant & rave and reply you are fighting & protecting your M if an ans has to be given.
Expect to be treated as crap
Dont give up
Vent in General Questions 11 and ask questions.

YOU can do this mate ..but its bloody hard. Dont think its not.

I know I need to man-up and start the revealing process. I also know that she'll definitely use what I did in the past
(certainly no affairs, or infidelities of any sort) and my lack of honesty as a weapon against me. The OM is married and
she has been engaged in affairs previously, or so I have been told.

The most frustrating part about this is even last Thursday, I asked her, are you happy, are we in this for the long-haul etc.etc.?
All answers were yes.

I'll have to read up on Plan A and begin to enact it.

I am sorry my friend but she is a classic cakewoman. She gets to stay married with a loving husband and have a lover on the side. Having her cake and eat it too. You cannot have recovery without no contact. If you do not expose then you will make it so much worse for you in the long run. What you are saying to the OM that apparently it is acceptable for him to continue having an affair with your wife because you do not wish to expose the affair. You are doing the worst thing possible. It is clear right now you wife has very little respect for you and her wedding vows.

It is sad that you have so little respect for yourself. What wife would respect a husband who allows her to have an affair and is fearful of exposing the affair to the OM's wife. Your wife must view you as very weak and afraid and willing to put up with all sorts of disrespect and humiliation. Don't you see how wrong you actions are?

For the love of Pete do something now! Expose! Expose!

If she really want to stay with you she will come around (you have to make yourself worth staying for- Plan A). If she doesn't feel glad you have no kids.

My WW told me she only had EA until about 5 weeks after NC and MC started...of course I knew all along they had slept together. But it took her that long to admit it.

Your wife is full of CRAP- trust nothing she says. Everyone that knows my WW was shocked, and many cried, to hear about her uncharacteristic behavior.

Get tough now or it will be too late. The damage worsens by the hour.

Good luck.

The key will be getting to the OMW, and her/my family before she does, and tries to rationalize her behavior. Unfortunately, her family would believe anything she told them, and the OM, and OMW are her colleagues.

The OM and OMW have a rocky relationship at best, so the OMW may not care.

Regardless, I'll start the circle of exposure and see where it goes.

Wish me luck.