|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 78
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 78 |
Someone contacted the OWH yesterday and exposed WH's affair. WH is furious and I'm feeling bad about this. Is it normal reaction? Should I feel guilty? OW & H are in fact close to final stages of D. NC was broken twice today. WH said that OW will talk to her H tonight and will be thinking about that conversation, probably until Thursday when he will be back at work (he is off of work on Wed's). Not sure what to do here ... WH told me that had it been me who contacted OWH, his decision would have been made. (I'm guessing a D) He has been deciding if a separation or D is needed because going the way we are now isn't doing it for him. He just doesn't have the want to be in the marriage is is here out of duty and the kids.
BW - me - 35
WH - 35
together 18 yrs, married 10yrs
2 DD - ages 5, 2
d-day 1 - 9/25/04 (EA)
d-day 2 - 6/2/05 (PA same OW)
NC (in person) - 7/14/05 - but accidently bumps into at work
NC broken 8/30 after exposure
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 1,892
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 1,892 |
Quote: WH is furious and I'm feeling bad about this.
Why???
Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle
You believe easily what you hope for ernestly
Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,380
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,380 |
Should you feel guilty about exposure? Absolutely not.
Let's not forget who made the decison to cheat and ruin two families.Adultery is a foul/selfish act and it deserves every bit of exposure and death there is.
Your WH's suggestions of leaving had it been you that exposed is also common and just fog talk.Also being in the marriage out of duty or for the kids.It stings but it's all huff and bluff now that all parties are aware of the A.
You have every right to tell your WH how much you are willing to work on the marriage and that you want to keep your family intact and make it better than ever but you will not support continued contact.Be firm about your boundaries and your plan of action.
IMO,there should be a job change considered so WH won't "accidentally" bump into homewrecking OW and maybe a Plan B if contact continues.
O
BW(me)40
DDay 10/11/03
Divorcing
'The Reformer'- enneagram type 1
~Let Higher Minds Prevail~
---------------
~Life isn't complicated,we make it that way~
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 78
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 78 |
I don't know why. Maybe because I hate to see him angry and I know that this may take a toll on the one thread that is still holding our M together. I am just an emotional person as it is, so seeing anyone hurting, for whatever reason, makes me hurt.
BW - me - 35
WH - 35
together 18 yrs, married 10yrs
2 DD - ages 5, 2
d-day 1 - 9/25/04 (EA)
d-day 2 - 6/2/05 (PA same OW)
NC (in person) - 7/14/05 - but accidently bumps into at work
NC broken 8/30 after exposure
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 87
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 87 |
Your H is not "hurting", he is upset becaue the A is out in the open. He is mad because he can't have his cake and eat it too, he is mad because now he will have to face up to what he did.
There is nothing you should feel guilty about. HE is the one who should be feeling guilty, feeling bad, feeling remorse for the hurt he is causing YOU.
BW-43
WH-48
DDay-6/17/05
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,380
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,380 |
dogmom,
You are the one who should be angry,if anyone.I can appreciate the feelings you have for your WH but don't let that get in the way of being firm about what he is DOING.
Exposure is always a must.It's just not possible to have a complete chance at a recovery if only certain people know about the A.IMO.This way now the OW doesn't have a safe place to hide in her own marriage.It has the threat of ending too just like what was placed upon your own marriage.Lots to consider on all fronts for everyone.
O
BW(me)40
DDay 10/11/03
Divorcing
'The Reformer'- enneagram type 1
~Let Higher Minds Prevail~
---------------
~Life isn't complicated,we make it that way~
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 78
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 78 |
The hardest part of this is it is driving WH to communicate with her more. 2x today, and on Thursday to find out how it went with OW and her H. WH will not back down from communicating with her on this. I don't know if he will uphold NC after he hears from her on Thursday.
BW - me - 35
WH - 35
together 18 yrs, married 10yrs
2 DD - ages 5, 2
d-day 1 - 9/25/04 (EA)
d-day 2 - 6/2/05 (PA same OW)
NC (in person) - 7/14/05 - but accidently bumps into at work
NC broken 8/30 after exposure
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,903
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,903 |
It sounds like he is trying to manipulate you into not wanting to expose on your end too. He also sounds like he is threatening you and using your wekness (wanting to save the M) to negotiate a way he can keep in contact with OW.
There will ALWAYS be excuses to stay in contact with the OW.
You have been doing this along time. Have you considered that you sticking around and giving him "another" chance may just be allowing the A to continue? Have you considered Plan B?
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I don't know why. Maybe because I hate to see him angry and I know that this may take a toll on the one thread that is still holding our M together. I am just an emotional person as it is, so seeing anyone hurting, for whatever reason, makes me hurt. The affair is taking a toll on your marriage and there is no thread holding your marriage together. Your marriage is crumbling because of the affair. I cannot understand for the life of me why you won't try to save your marriage. Your H said that if you interfered with his affair that he would divorce you. Well, guess what? That is where you are headed NOW because of this affair. Your marriage does not have a CHANCE as long as the affair is active. I will also point out that every WS threatens to end the marriage if the affair is exposed. It is fogbabble designed to shut you up. The greatest threat to your marriage is not exposure, but the AFFAIR. You are afraid of the wrong thing. When you decide to lift a finger to do something to save your marriage, let us know.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
The hardest part of this is it is driving WH to communicate with her more. 2x today, and on Thursday to find out how it went with OW and her H. WH will not back down from communicating with her on this. I don't know if he will uphold NC after he hears from her on Thursday. He has no reason to end contact with her. Only a fool would give up such a nice set up with 2 women meeting his needs. The problem with exposure is that it ruins his affair and makes it harder for them to destroy your marriage. He doesn't want you to mess up a good thing..
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033 |
2dog,
You had better get a spine and start thinking about YOURSELF!!
You need to get angry at your H, the loss of your marriage, and THE TOTAL CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE!!
Or you can hang your head and cry in your beer, but you must understand that what happens in the next 3 months will shape the rest of your life!
You can either fight for it or surrender.
k
CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 748
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 748 |
When you decide to lift a finger to do something to save your marriage, let us know. Do some more reading here, my friend. There are some good hearted, experienced people (like Melody Lane) that are handing out free and effective advice onhow to save your marriage. Don't waste their time. Or yours. Don't sacrifice precious innocent years of your childrens' childhood for some cheap floosy. Be a woman. Be a mensch.
Me BS 44
XH 45
M 20 years
D19
D12
DDay 11.29.04
Separated 12.29.04
Plan A 24.02.05
Plan B 10.9.05
Plan D 2.2.06
Divorce 13.6.06
OW - former friend and D12's x-godmother (Skunkypoo)
OWH - philander, XH's former best friend (still shares skunkypoo with XH)
Anger = drinking a rat poison and waiting/wishing the rat would notice you drink it and the rat die from it.
Redhat
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1 |
2dogmom - I have a question: why would you have a 3rd party contact OW's H? If you wanted to expose the A then why not do the deed yourself and show WH that you mean business? Seems rather cowardly to have another person involved in your marital business. And you already said that OW and H were at the final stages of their own D - so why make contact now? I feel that your attempts at retribution using a 3rd party may ultimately be what cuts that final thread you claim to cling to. Maybe instead of playing games and getting 'revenge' w/o dirtying your hands you should get some self esteem and hire a divorce atty? You obviously don't trust WH - why waste anymore time on the matter?
suzanna
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
615
guests, and
39
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,623
Posts2,323,511
Members72,008
| |
Most Online3,224
May 9th, 2025
|
|
|
|
