In March (2005) I found out my husband had been keeping a secret email account. He had left it open one morning when he left for work. I didn't read it, but I wish I had. When he called later that day I told him "I tell you everything." and he replies "I know". I then proceed to ask him about this other email account, he says that he will be home in a minute and I just hung up the phone. (OK so I didn't hang up the phone I threw it) Well he didn't come home early but came home his regular time. Not once that night did he say anything to me about it. I had knots in my stomach and couldn't eat or sleep. That night I had enough and woke him up at 3am. When I woke him up I told him alright tell me. And he says "About Christy?". (My heart stopped beating) At no time did I think this envolved someone else. I just thought that this email was something that him and his mom had going to keep me out of the loop. (As you can guess me and my mother-in-law don't get along, main reason is because I tell her how it is and she can't stand that) He says that it only lasted a couple of weeks (this happened when he was at school in GA 2004). I asked him if she knew he was married and he said no and I asked him why, did he take off his wedding ring, and he said yes. I asked him if it was sexual and he said no. I asked if he told her he loved he and he said no. I asked him when was the last time that he talked to her and he said it was Aug. 2004. I had had enough for that night and I had to calm down a bit. The next night after spending a whole day THINKING (which I hate) I asked more questions that night, because I had to know. I asked him if he was planning on leaving me and he said no and I asked him why and he said he didn't know. I asked him if his mom knew and he said she did. I have gone through all of the feelings (anger, jealousy, hate) I have cried so much that my head hurts. He says that he is sorry and that he realizes what he could have lost. I told him that I wanted the email account closed and I wanted him to tell his mom that I found out and know everything. As far as I know the email was closed and he did tell his mom which she now claims she knew nothing about it. I didn't want her thinking she had something over us. I told him that I forgive him and I think I do. It is just so hard to forget, I find myself questioning EVERYTHING that has happened in the past year. I hate this person that I have become. I think about our 10th Anniversary which was in April, he didn't even tell me Happy Anniversary until 10 that night and it was only after I said something. I think about all of the time that he has been away on field problems. school, assigned overseas. I have always been faithful, never thought about doing anything. I was happy to stay at home and take care of our daughter.
Even now almost 5 months after the fact I can be doing something and it just hits me. I had a really bad night this past weekend, I guess my biggest problem is the whole fact that he knowingly took off his wedding ring. Maybe if it was a one night stand I could handle it better. I just feel as if my soul and heart has been ripped out. Whenever I look at our wedding rings I just think of the lies, and the pain washes over me again.
I just want it all to stop. I want to be able to trust him and believe in him again and in our marriage.
