Hi can anyone help me, my partner is now living with OW, I found out about affair 4 months ago and have been to ****** and back since then. He did all the usual things lied about the reason why he wanted to end our relationship, then I eventually found out that he had an affair whilst I was overseas visiting my family in NZ. He phoned me when I was away to say he wasn't happy with our relationship and wanted to end it, I should state here that our daughter had just turned 1 year old at this stage. Just 8 weeks earlier he said it was the worst day of this life when we left him in Adelaide in to go to New Zealand to visit my family and he flew back to London for work. What do I do now, we have been living in separate places since June and now he is living with the OW which he lied about, I am still emotionally attached to him after all he has done, and have only ever wanted to worked through the issues with our relationship in order to see if we could sort things out. Do you think there is any hope, or should I just give up?

Can you let me know where I can find info on plan A? I feel that I have made the situation worse, I have argued with him, called him some not very nice names, given him space by himself and then found out he was seeing OW still. It really has been a mess. He seems to have moved on with OW and I am left with our daughter who is 1.5 years old, who he adores but not enough to put some effort into our relationship. Things I did that drove him into anothers arms - too controlling maybe, just wanted to be with him, he said he needed more space than he was getting! Expecting honesty and openess in our relationship. Having a child it consumed a lot of my time and energy which I guess means our relationship got neglected. We are back in the same town (London, UK) but not living together, I gave him space and stayed with friends, and now he is living with OW in a new flat. I really just wanted the chance to look at our problems and work on them to see if we could resolve things!

So you are not married?

Read the book, "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Willard Harley (available in the UK).
Read the links below.

No we are not married, have been together 4.5 years.

Also, thanks for the links I will read them.

Please can you help me...I'm not sure if it is too late to save things now or not...what are your thoughts

Yes, it may be possible to save your relationship.
If you read the book & links, this will be a good start.

Hi Chris-CA123

Thanks for your reply. I have just ordered the book you mention above 'Surviving an Affair'. Looking forward to reading it.

I have read about Plan A and to summarise it, the idea is to be supportive to my wayward partner, stop any love busting behaviour that I have been doing. This in theory should stop me pushing him away and make me more of an attractive option than I have been during this. This then hopefully leads to better communication which he will then see the light and end his affair/living with OW and then we will be in a position to talk about things without outside distractions and focus on us and see where that leads us. There is no point in discussing us if he is still with the OW? Did I get it right? Is there anything important I am missing? Thanks again

Hey NZgirl,

i read your story. it is almost mirrors my own. my h and i seperated for a while. he was finsihing a contract in london. i returned to oz when my uk visa ran out. he was supposed to come back and get married. instead he started sleeping with his flatmate and eventually got her pregnant.
we are both in the uk now (actually in london). married and rebuilding our relationship. He lived with the ow for 6 months before waking up from his fog. i think her announcing she was pregnant burnt it off pretty quick, lol.

at any rate, i wanted to let you know that yes, it possible to save your relationship. i know you are in seven kinds of ****** right now. i just wanted you to know that you are not alone. i know how hard it is to b in a foreign country, without the support of family and friends and be facing this kind of challenge. it can be overwhelming and daunting and very very lonely.

big love

carolyn

That's a very good synopsis of Plan A!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Carolyn

thanks for your posting, sounds encouraging, my partner doesn't want to work at anything. When we are discussing things that nothing will change and he doesn't want to go over old ground again. I made him unhappy and he isn't interested in me anymore. We are currently having some time out, which means sadly he doesn't get to see his daughter, but I have had enough of him right now he is very destructive and don't think I am getting through to him. Not sure if the time out thing is a good thing though but when I try plan A it doesn't seem to do anything. Maybe I am trying to reason with him too much instead of just being there for him, althought I am not sure what I can do to support him right now. He is so sure that he has moved on for the best and the OW is the right thing for him. Not sure I have the energy for this

Hi Again

Since my partner is now living with OW, do you think I should go straight to Plan B? He has no remorse and I find him very destructive on my life. The problem of going to Plan B is that we have a daughter and I don't see how Plan B will work when he has the right to see her?

I intend to return to NZ in about 3-6 months time, should I do Plan A until this time and then go into Plan B mode once in NZ?

It is very hard to know what is the right approach, esp since he appears to have moved on and doesn't give a sh*t about me. Although at times he has been kind of caring and asking me to help him with a business plan, is this him in confusion or trying to have his cake and eat it too? Am I reading too much into this?

NZ,

Please read the concepts section about plans A & B.

NOTE: These plans while they are designed to help a willing Xws find their way back, these plans are primarily designed to help the BS improve his/herself and make them permanent changes (plan A). Then plan B is to identify your personal boundaries and implement them. This includes distancing yourself from the WS in order to protect what love you have left.

Remember the WS does not care about anyone but him/herself and the A. Not even the OP. Mostly it is about them and satisfying the selfish A.

So don't try to get the WS back. You don't want a WS in your home. Bad for the family. Nope, instead you want your BF and your child's father back....not some selfish WS.

As for helping him, do so in a limited manner. If he is acting like a WS, imho, don't help him. If he asks nicely and treats you well, then think about it.

If you are too appealing or too available, the WS will see it as a weakness and enjoy hurting your feelings. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Sad but true.

take care,
L.

Ok got the book Surviving and Affair which I will read cover to cover.

Carolyn73 - how did you react to your partner, was he adamant that this OW was the right person for him? Was your Partner scared of committment? Since we have similar instances, just wondering how you got on.

Orchid - thanks for your posting. So basically Plan A is about me and getting me to a place where I don't get angry etc? It is almost like pretending that nothing he has done is wrong and it is ok to do it? Very hard to control feelings of hurt and anger.

I have asked for some time out from him coming to see his daughter because I find it difficult, thought I needed the space to get my head sorted, thinking it will be about 3 weeks - is this a good idea? Or should I control myself better like Plan A suggests and let him come? Really hard to know what the right thing is to do. I mean, he has set up a new flat with this other women, is this a sign that he has moved on for good, given that he wanted to end our relationship within 6 weeks of getting together with this OW? And when confronted about it, was going to stop all contact but didn't. I gave him some space by staying with friends and he ended up in deeper with OW and then moved out and went on holiday with OW and now they are living together in a new flat.

I think he didn't marry you after 4.5 years and a child. I think that, unless you never wanted marriage, your man is a dog. I have no time for a man who leaves his child.

You sound like a nice, faithful, person. Don't waste too much time on your erstwhile "partner".

So basically Plan A is about me and getting me to a place where I don't get angry etc?
No. Plan A is getting you to a place where you do not LoveBust, which will take "love units" out of your partners lovebank.

It is almost like pretending that nothing he has done is wrong and it is ok to do it?
Oohh, no. It is wrong and you do let him know that it hurts you very much.

Very hard to control feelings of hurt and anger.
You are not trying to control having these feelings. You are learning to control how you express these feeling towards your partner.

Would you be interested in staying with someone who screams & shouts & yells & cries at you, especially because of something you did?
Not likely.
But more importantly, you are learning to control yourself so when you are in a healthy relationship (which you are trying to get back into), you can express this stuff in a way which will enhance the relationship, not tear it down.

MB does not say you cannot have disagreements. That would be totally unrealistic. How you deal with those disagreements is the gist of it all.
I don't believe in "healthy fighting" as some people call it. That people need to argue. When you argue, usually you end up saying something for the sole purpose of hurting the other person.
This is waht you are learning.

Thanks for your patience Chris-CA123, as you can tell I am confused and am about to start reading the book 'surviving an affair'

What do you think about the time out and partner not seeing daughter for a few weeks? A good idea or not? My counsellor thinks I need the time to let go and detach!

You could keep a low profile for a week or two.
But at this point you are not in Plan B.

If he calls or stops by, keep it short & to the point. Very polite and nice. Let him see you or hear you at your absolute best.
Simply don't initiate contact except at a minimal level.
I don't think you should necessarily keep him from your daughter, although you do need to make sure he does nto bring her around ow at ANY time.

NZ,

I think Chris answered your questions way better than me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> How are you doing?

L.

Hi Orchid and Chris

Thanks for your postings. I think I need to point out that wayward partner really only turns up to see his daughter, and rings me mainly to talk about visit to see daughter. He hasn't been too pleased with me since I found out that he is living with OW, which he lied about. And things between us have been very strained, hence the time out right now.

So am not sure if Plan A will have the desired effect, since he doesn't seem to have much interest in me and is geting on with his own life, and it has been nearly 6 months now that he has been involved with OW, and 5 months since he told me he wanted to end relationship without the real reason (affair), 4 months since I found out about affair, and promised to cease all contact and didn't. The rest is a blur of an emotional roller coaster ride in which we separated and now he is living with other women. I feel that has really moved on - what do you think?

I feel that has really moved on - what do you think?
Not even close to it.
Doing a stellar Plan A (which is difficult at best), will throw him for a loop.

Don't do or say anything to let him think you are "moving on" or "just getting over it". You are simply NOT allowing it to show by lovebusting.

He hasn't been too pleased with me since I found out that he is living with OW
And he won't be pleased if you continue to be nice to him. But it is what you will have to do.
You are to be a safe haven for him so when the affair ends (it will), he can be assured you are not going to simply lay all the crapola into his lap and start the blame game.