Thanks again, you are very supportive which is much appreciatedl.
What do you think about the fact when I do see or talk to him after I have found out about more lies and confronted him (which maybe I shouldn't if in plan A?), he acts like nothing has happened?

re what I just posted, I guess this is him in his taker mode, and in this mode he can what he bleed'n likes and has no remorse! As he says it is his life and he can do what he likes...very taker mode isn't it...now I think about it.

Another question

He has been so very quick to want to end our relationship and is now living with OW. What do you think this means? He hasn't thought things through, just going with what feels good?

I have had to get on with my own life, reluctantly, and have made it clear to him that I wanted to work on the relationship and am disappointed that he hasn't wanted to. A lot of the time I have been very angry with him and haven't hidden it. So I guess I am wondering if I start on a proper Plan A now, will it still be effective given that it is now nearly 6 months since he told me he wanted to end relationship and I have done a lot of love busting activities during this time? I just don't want to appear needy and waste time on this. What do you think?

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Hi Again
I have read the book and see the wisdom of plan A. I am however a bit concerned about the timing of implementing my Plan A, nearly 6 months since the announcement of ending our relationship and 5 months since finding out about the affair and now he is living the OW. My other concern is that I have been doing a lot of love busting activities during this time, and see now why these aren't good in helping the relationship to a point where things can be discussed and hopefully improved to the point of reconciliation. I guess better late than never! Any thoughts about this?

I am currently having time out from wayward partner, and am planning on continuing this for another week, just to get my head sorted out, I know he isn't happy about this and stopped paying his half of child care costs initially because he wasn't seeing his daughter, but then paid eventually after I said I needed the time out, as it has been a difficult time for me.

I have given him the impression that I am moving on with my life and am at the point of accepting his decision (friends, family and counsellor recommend I get on with my life as he has obviously moved on with his!) Any thoughts on how I managed this situation? Do I just implement plan A and see what happens, or do I need to let him know that I want to be able to work things out?

Your help would be appreciated <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hey NZ girl, sorry i didnt respond to your post before. i must have missed it.

my h decided on his own that the ow was not for him. i didnt even know about the affair then. i was oblivious, living in sydney, organising our wedding and getting ready to move back to the uk. his affair was with a woman he worked with and ended up moving in with. he told me they were just flatmates. stupid me never thought to question him.

i think he was afraid of committment. i think that is why he had the affair in the first place. i think he fraaked at the idea of getting married and being a grown up. the irony is that in being so irresponsible, sleeping with the ow, he got himself into an even more responsible position by getting her pregnant.

i am guessing that you think the reason your partner has done this is becuase he is rejecting responsibility and committment. i understand your need to get your head together and not see him for a while. sometimes it just all gets too overwhelming. i dont know if your past behavior will ruin your chances with Plan A. i am not very experienced with it. personally i wouldnt think so. i would think that if you just tell him that you havent given up hope on working things out with him and then go into plan a mode, you have made it clear to him that the door is open to a return.

one thing i really think you need to do is talk to the CSA and find out your options in regard to child support. just in case.

hugs

carolyn

Hi Carolyn

Thanks for your reply. I guess my situation is a little different from yours at the moment. My partner is living with OW, they got a new flat together, a choice they have done as a couple, it is early days at the moment in this new flat, but it is still upsetting. Mainly because we have an agreement that OW doesn't have anything to do with our daughter and now that they are living together this means that his home is out of bounds. Our daughter will never go there and will never stay overnight and because I don't trust him about this agreement (daughter has no contact with OW) I end up supervising his time with our daughter. I find this quite sad, he has chosen the OW over his daughter so soon, and he seems to be content with having separate lives. The OW and then coming to visit his daughter.

In saying that, he has very separate lives, when he is with OW and I ring he doesn't take my calls they go to voicemail and then later on or the next day when OW is not around he will ring me back. Or if he answers calls he says he can't talk right now! Not sure what the OW has demanded of him as far as contact with me goes!

Thanks for advice about how to deal with him at the moment regarding stating 'that I hope to work things out with him' and then go into Plan A mode.

I also wish I had found this site a lot sooner

Is it ever too late to start plan A? Read above to see what I mean
Appreciate your thoughts - thanks

you might be better to start a new thread on this. i wish i had some advice for you on plan a.

carolyn

Hi Again

I am currently on a break from seeing my wayward partner, and will be calling him next week to arrange for him to visit our daughter. So I need to get mentally prepared for this and start on Plan A.

Because I don't trust him to not bring our daughter into contact with OW, I supervise his visits and outings, which means we spend time together. So during this time when in Plan A mode do I mention the OW at all? Do I talk about other things except A and OW? Do I only talk to him if he talks to me? Do I act friendly? I am unclear as to what approach plan A really requires when interacting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

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come on people, there must be some words of wisdom for NZgirl.

it seems to me that the idea of plan a is to turn the "marital relationship" into a comfortable place for the WS. you are dealing with someone who has been internally justifying his behavior on the basis that you dont meet his needs. whether that is true or not is irrelevant to fog addled WS brain. i think your task might be extra difficult given that he is not living with you at the moment but i am sure i have seen other treads in this forum where a BS has managed to pull it off.

I think it will work in your interests to have him continue to see your daughter in your home and not in his. This will at least give you some time alone with him. I am not sure whether you should mention the Ow or not. i dont think i would deliberately bring it up, but i guess if it comes up in conversation, i dont think it would be taboo. i think your main task is to remind him of why he spent the last 4 years with you and show him that rebuilding is an option opne to him. Hopefully he will realise what a gift you are offering him.

There are far greater minds on this board who can advise you better than i, but that is my 2 pennys worth.

lots of love

Carolyn

Carolyn

Thanks for your reply - it is greatly appreciated. I am ringing him on Wednesday to arrange a time this weekend for him to see his daughter, although I think he might be going away with OW this weekend (part of my snooping in which I discovered he was living with OW).

I feel stronger now emotionally about dealing with him, although it still hurts like cr*p, I think I now finally realise what I need to do, and I had given him so much power for the last 6 months without realising that I needed to take control of my life in a positive way and deal with this situation in a mature caring way which protects me as well.

I have however told him that my home is out of bounds for now, not too keen on him coming into my home anymore given I relented last time and let him in our home and he still choose to lie and mislead me, so think that we will meet in Hyde Park for a while until/if I am comfortable for him to come to our home again. I realise this means he won't get to bath his daughter, but also realise that I need to protect myself as well and is it wrong that he feels a consequence of his continued lying, or is this wrong of me?

For the last 6 months I didn't realise that I didn't express my anger in a good way, thought I had the right to show how angry I was with what he had done and the impact it had on me with angry outbursts. But since I have found this website it has taken my only 2 weeks to realise this is not effective and works in the opposite way that you would like. I think I am growing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks again and look fwd to receiving any comments or advice.

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This is just my opinion so please don't get upset. Considering your ex does not seem to care how often he sees his daughter I would not want to be involved with someone like that. My husband would have me in court if I tried to control the visitation like you do(not a slam to you-I would not want my kids around OW either). He would be calling to arrange visits every chance he could. I could not imagine wanting to be with someone who does not take hardly any interest in his own child. Let the OW have him.

in fairness to NZgirl's partner, an unmarried father has almost no legal rights in the UK. He has to apply to the court just be recognised as her daughters legal father with the ability to make emergency decision about the child and with that recognition comes no automatic right to access or visitiation.

[quote]
This is just my opinion so please don't get upset.
Not upset with you voicing your opinion at all.

I believe my partner to be in fogland at the moment. Initially he wasn't interested in daughter at all, he was quite happy for us to stay in New Zealand while he was babbling on about not being happy with relationship and wanting to end it, hindsight now shows that he was happy for us to be out of the way so he could continue is A with OW without us around.

However, slowly his daughter has become more important to him, he does seem to really want to see her, although this is only 1 night during the week and a day at the weekend, he is annoyed when this doesn't happen. At the moment I think he is respecting my request for time out. I do however agree that in the past if he hasn't seen his daughter it didn't really matter to him, but slowly this is changing, although I don't see that this changing our relationship at all since he is living with OW, atleast his daughter is something that he has some value for when everything else doesn't except OW!

[quote]

in fairness to NZgirl's partner, an unmarried father has almost no legal rights in the UK.

What Carolyn states is true, he pretty much has no rights when it comes to his daughter. I am the sole carer and her Mother so I get legal custody of her.