bumping again - please <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

anybody out there?

Here is the update after a 3 week break from seeing Partner to get my mind set right after finding out he is living with OW now.

Wayward partner came over on Sunday to see daughter. I had initially decided to not let him in our home again, due to him lying about living with OW, but have decided to not to do this. We spent from 10am until 4.30pm together, taking daughter to movies, walking around parks and along the canal. A reasonably pleasant day considering.

He mentioned that he would be going to Ireland for 2-3 weeks for work this coming week. I said that that wouldn't be very functional for seeing daughter, and mentioned that maybe we could come over for a weekend so he could see daughter, but he said he would be working 7 days a week. I will be checking on OWs work voice mail to make sure she isnt away at the same time, this is how I find out if they are on holiday together! Just got to be sure he isnt lying again!

Only tense moment was when he told me he would be leaving at 4.30pm because he has something else he needed to do. I told him that he needs to decide what he wants to do in regard to how much time he wants to spend with daughter. The reason I said this, was that the last time he came to see daughter, he left at 3.30pm because he had something else on with OW, which I thought wasnt fair to daughter. and he had spent the week telling me how much she meant to him and he wanted to spend every Sunday with her. He needs to commit to spending all day with her or not. He cant cherry pick what he does depending on what other social activities come up with OW. Do you think this is fair?

I have thought that maybe he should spend as much time as he wants with daughter on Sunday, that way he isnt with OW I guess! I got a little emotional with discussing this, it is quite hard to discuss this when I am thinking, bleed'n heck how did it come to this, here we are in a café discussing that you need to commit to seeing daughter or not, when all I really want is for us to be a proper family unit. He did try to comfort me, but I didnt want that, is this his way so saying he is sorry for the pain I am in?!

One other thing, he wants to talk to me about his business and opportunities that he has coming up for his business, and wants to know what I think about them. Do I take this as an emotional need that he needs me to fill? If it is, it is the only one that I can fill, or is it him using me and my knowledge to help him out? Very confusing!

The other thing, is I asked him to baby sit daughter on Wednesday night at my home, so I can go out. He agreed, which is good, I think him taking on some Fathering responsibilities would be a good thing I have been looking after daughter and haven't been out for ages. It also reinforces to OW that he has a daughter and that their time together will be impacted and that she is excluded from this. Is this a good thing?

bumping

bump again... come on, give me some feedback

He is acting like the typical WS. It is hard to believe how the OP can take them away from their own kids, but it happens all of the time.

It is hard to believe that the OW is more important than his own daughter

What are your thoughts about the chit chat about his business - is this an EN? Or just general chit chat? I have been thinking about what EN I could try to fill and am having problems with finding one, I kind of assume that most BS have this problem when in Plan A and BS is still seeing OW.

Having a plan is so much better than doing things adhoc as I was doing before and pretty much LB all the time.

Talking about work is probably meeting an EN for him. I would continue doing it.

Start realizing that a WS is just like a heroin addict. They leave their families and children all of the time. They are only thinking about themselves and their next fix.

Thanks Believer - I appreciate your direct advice

Mid week update

After a reasonably ok day on Sunday when WBF came to visit daughter, it went a bit wrong on Tuesday.

Daughter got a bad cold on Monday, and Monday night had a terrible night, she woke up on Tuesday very unwell and sounded a bit wheezy. I phone WBF to see if he could look after her that day, my work is in a really busy important period at the moment with testing on a new system. He said no, he was busy at work couldnt look after her. I ended up taking Daughter to hospital at 7am to be checked out, and she had a very bad chest infection, a bit of a temperature, and laboured breathing. They ended up giving her lots of ventalin, and steroids to ease her air passage.

I texted WBF to let him know that we were at the hospital they were medicating her every 20 minutes, she was getting better slowly. He texts back thanking me for letting him know and assumed it was nothing serious. I texted back letting him know what was wrong, and also asking if he could look after daughter in the afternoon because I had heaps of work to do. He left message saying he couldnt and that maybe I could drop her into his work with some toys and bring her car seat with me so he could drop her home after work. I phoned him back when we got home which was 12.30pm after spending 5 hours in hospital, saying that I needed him to be more supportive and if he didnt think he could then he needed to let me know, because I needed to make other arrangements. I was pretty stressed out, it is not easy to see your daughter being forced to take lots of medication which she is obviously not happy about taking and fighting it all the way.

I LB a lot, told him taking daughter to his work wasnt a solution, she needed rest and even if it was an option, catching public transport (tube) to his work wasnt practical. Told him that being a Dad isnt only about doing the good stuff. Reminded him that he promised to be supportive but none of his decisions that he has made in the last 6 months have been supportive (not living close by and living with OW) Also asked why is my job less important than his? He said he wasnt getting much work at the moment so wasnt get much money (does a profit share thing with another company). He said he was sick of me digging at him, and that I should just get it over with and let it all out. I hung up. I know I shouldnt have said this stuff if in Plan A.

Got a phone call this morning from WBF to see how Daughter was doing, which is the first time he has ever phoned to see how she is when she has been sick. Maybe he is feeling guilty about yesterday?!

The only good thing that I can see in this is that maybe lovers paradise might be getting a reality hit with the realisation of the financial impact on him of his decision to leave and live with OW (child maintenance, child care costs and his living costs). Maybe not a big thing, but something at least!

Hi

In the last day or 2 I am finding myself loosing respect for my WBF and am no longer as concerned with what he might be up to? Is this a bad sign? Am I becoming emotionally detached from him now?

WBF is in Ireland for 2-3 weeks for work. I have checked up and OW is in London still so no holiday together, so at least WBF has told the truth about this.

Our daughter has been a bit sick lately (in hospital Tuesday last week), turns out she had a bad chest infection and ended up having nebuliser at hospital and an inhaler for the next week. (By the way, WBF didn't turn up to hospital when I told him we were there) WBF wanted me to keep him up to date with how daughter was doing whilst he is away. I have decided to let him do the contacting to see how she is, and after 4 days of being away I received a text message from him asking how she is. I waited overnight before replying (part of my plan of not being too available, not sure if this is right or not?). Well that afternoon I got a phone call from him asking if I had received his text messages, I said yes got one yesterday and replied this morning, he said he had sent some others from his new Ireland mobile number (prepay SIM) which I didn't get, so can only assume he got the international number wrong when sending from Ireland.

He asked me to keep him informed on how daughter was doing, I agreed with this, but I have decided to wait for him to contact me again. My question is this a good approach to have or not?

I am feeling more in control of me this last week or so, I feel stronger, less emotionally attached to him.

Here is my update

I have not posted for a while, things have been ok, WBF has been in Ireland for 2.5 weeks for work so have had a nice break from him. On the 1st week away, he texted 3 times to check on DD who was quite ill the week before. He phoned twice as well, this is most contact ever. The next week not so good, a phone call and that was it.

Now my issue, I have been very clear from the start the OW has nothing to do with DD at all and WBF comes to our flat to see her. On phone yesterday I asked WBF to babysit each week on alternative Friday and Saturday nights so I can get out. On the phone it was ok, but this morning I got these text messages from him.

I have thought about your demand of looking after DD for 1 night every weekend and the only way it will happen is if she stays with me

He lives with OW!

My reply to him was
Firstly it is not a demand. 2nd you know why she can not stay with you, you hv made decisions that rule that out, I hv been clear about that from the start

His reply
These are my conditions if you want me to look after DD on either night of any weekend

My reply
Your terms are not acceptable it would not be in DDs best interest, if you will not agree then I will need extra money from you to pay for a babysitter each week.

So far no response. Am I right in doing this? I really can not stand the thought of OW being around, touching and talking to my DD, and them playing happy families! Also, my IC said it wouldn't be good for DD, it would be confusing for her to be around OW and she is only 1.5 years old. Do any of you have any suggestions?

NZG,

Check out your options:

1. do a background check on the OW. See if you can claim she is not safe from a legal POV for yourchild t/b around.

2. Let him and the authorities know he does not want t/b around his child unless he can do so in the presence of his home with the OW (who you do not consider t/b a safe person - call a person of 'questionable character').

3. Legally secure more child support since he is refusing to take on his father obligations. Seems being a good parent is 'too demanding' for him. Let the authorities know this also.

Who are the authorities? Your laywer, child services, court, his parents, babysitter, etc. Anyone who has interaction with your child or c/b legally considered advisors.

Check out your family court system and see if there is a women's support group to help with cases like this.

take care,
L.

Orchid thank you for your reply -
Not sure how to go about doing a background check on OW. I only have her name, nothing else, I meet her the one and only time about 2 years ago, she seemed ok although you got to question someone's morals who gets involved with a person who has a partner and young child!

We have not involved authorities, in UK when not married the father doesn't have many rights, and so far have made private agreements about child support and day care costs. I am wondering if I should speak to a lawyer, to see what I can do about this situation.

A bit about my situation, I am originally from New Zealand and living in the UK at the moment. All of my family are in New Zealand where DD and myself will probably head back to eventually. His parents live in Australia.

As far as my advisors go I have my IC who is a psychotherapist and have been running past her DD involvement with OW and she is of the opinion that it would not be good for DD to around OW, too confusing for DD.

bump <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

An update - exchange of text messages following this mornings announcement for WBF

From WBF
'I have agreed to look after DD, simply not at your house. My living arrangements are not going to change to suit you. I will not pay more as you are refusing a safe and secure option for DD to stay with her Father'

My Reply
'You miss the point about what is best for Emma!'

His reply
'You miss the point that she has 2 parents and that she needs to be a part of both of those'

My reply
'You still miss it, she needs stability'

No other text messages.
By the way I have never seen his new flat with OW, don't know where it is, he hasn't even given me his home phone number. So how do I know it is a safe and secure environment.

What should I do? Am I being unreasonable? My IC says it is an important time for DD mental health development.

I am really mad - he has choosen to be with OW that is his choice, the effort he put into trying to sort out our relationship was minimal, I didn't choose OW to be part of my life, and I don't want my DD having her in her life. The long term plan is that I will be returning to NZ and she won't be seeing WBF anyway, so him being part of her life in the future will be minimal. GRRRR

Thought I had better clarify the babysitting request I made is on top of the one night a week he comes to see daughter for 2 hours and on Sunday's when he spends about 6 hours with her.

Am I asking too much for one night during the weekend for him to babysit at my home?

bumping....

Sounds reasonable to normal folk. But you know how WS' aren't normal. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So let's see..... instead of forcing him to watch your child at your home, ask him other than near the OW, whose home can you drop your chlid off for his visitation? Let him know that the authorities recommned a safe 3rd party (if they did make a recommendation like that or something simliar). Ws' like to think they have choices. BS don't like the WS to choose. So a compromise with limited choices, fools the WS into thinking they have options.

JMHo,
L.