I'm new here, and found this site probably like many of you did, out of desperation and hopes of not losing my sanity altogether. We've been married 6.5 years. We were married young, maybe for the "wrong reasons" and have had our fair share of struggle along the way. I come from a messed up childhood - mom should have left my dad when me & bro were very young but to this day, has not. Instead she takes crap. First LTR ultimately resulted in my daughter, which is great, though I was cheated on and lied to and laughed at and treated horribly. That's why my H was such a God-send...only father my daughter has known, showed me what real love is, was my friend before trying to be my lover, and married me & gave me my son. His childhood was not easy either, and as a result neither of us is sure how to function in a marriage. We've separated a few times and come really close to divorce, but have always resolved to work it out. H has many really good friends, I've got a few OK friends. We both have insecurities but it's been mine that have caused distance between us. I'm insecure, I'm jealous, I've always expected I'd never be good enough and as a result I've pulled away even though I really didn't want to. I've always been a very successul sales person, the bread winner of the household. At times when my career was soaring, and he was laid off he'd get scared and worry I'd cheat. I never did. Now the tables are turned - I started my own business in Jan. & it's not taking off, so I'm bringing in minimal money, and he's out there socializing, working, carrying on while I sit home and fail...and worry he may cheat.

THE ISSUE: He works some nights p/t at a delivery place. There's a girl there who is/was married but apparently going thru some hard times. According to H, she approached him knowing he & I were having issues and wanted to ask him how he dealt with it - seeking advice. They talked. He'd mention to me after work that somebody hit her car, or she had a really rude customer, etc. and I thought nothing of it. One day though I just had a feeling, and I checked his phone. Her number was on there, just once, from the night prior (he had the night off, but went out w/friends). So I talked to him about it, asked him what's going on. He said she is important to him, that she's everything he thinks a wife should be - she cooks, cleans, packs her husband's lunches, etc. - things I don't regularly keep up with, I suppose. But he said there was no affair or anything that resembled an affair, that she was important to him as a friend but nothing else. He did say "she likes me" though, which bothered me. Since that talk, about a month and a half ago, he distanced himself from her, focused on me/us at home and work at work, trying to break the emotional bond. Things were good at home and I really wasn't worried anymore - he felt guilty and took some measures to "fix" what he'd done. Last night I was in the basement and wandered into his "area". I found a poem that I'm assuming she wrote, it was saying that she knows it'll never be but she still hopes and she knows he loves me but she loves him and she dreams one day they'll be together and she can't take it anymore. I freaked. He wasn't home, and I decided I needed to confront him. I consulted another forum and decided there were more issues than just the note - so I put it back. We talked last night, again about my insecurities and how I need reassurance from him and how he still works with this girl. He again said he rarely talks to her anymore as he tries to distance himself. I didn't bring up the poem - maybe she's just whacko - and I'm pretty sure he got it recently. (Yes, I do snoop, it's part of being insecure I guess) This morning I checked and the note is gone. Is it gone because of our talk and he felt guilty & threw it away? Or does he take it with him to work during the day (different job) because it's flattering? Did he move it? (I won't tear the house apart trying to answer that one) I don't know what to do. Since it's moved, now I feel I should bring it up. I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is infidelity. I don't know if I should call her, go see her, leave him, kick him out, seek counseling, believe him, or what. Thoughts, anybody?

JulieW-

I think you need to get very proactive soon. First things first:

--How he treats you isn't necessarily an indication of whether or not he's emotionally involved with the OW.

--He's flattered, of course, that another woman thinks so highly of him.

--The fact that she's going through a breakup makes her a prime candidate to start up with another man (i.e., your husband).

--WS always minimize their relationship with the other person. Don't fall for it.

--If he had no interest at all in the OW, he would have told you about the note and destroyed it immediately. My wife had secret stuff from her A like that (notes, song lyrics, etc.).

It is never appropriate for a married person to have a "secret" relationship with anyone, especially someone of the opposite sex.

Try to get your husband into MC with you right away, it sounds like you could use it regardless. All of the old issues in your background will keep coming up until you deal with them.

Please don't wait, I did and my wife ended up having sex with her OM. I could have prevented it had I taken action earlier.

Good luck.