***This is cross-posted (sorry, long), I'm looking for all the advice I can get***

I'm new here, and found this site probably like many of you did, out of desperation and hopes of not losing my sanity altogether. We've been married 6.5 years. We were married young, maybe for the "wrong reasons" and have had our fair share of struggle along the way. I come from a messed up childhood - mom should have left my dad when me & bro were very young but to this day, has not. Instead she takes crap. First LTR ultimately resulted in my daughter, which is great, though I was cheated on and lied to and laughed at and treated horribly. That's why my H was such a God-send...only father my daughter has known, showed me what real love is, was my friend before trying to be my lover, and married me & gave me my son. His childhood was not easy either, and as a result neither of us is sure how to function in a marriage. We've separated a few times and come really close to divorce, but have always resolved to work it out. H has many really good friends, I've got a few OK friends. We both have insecurities but it's been mine that have caused distance between us. I'm insecure, I'm jealous, I've always expected I'd never be good enough and as a result I've pulled away even though I really didn't want to. I've always been a very successul sales person, the bread winner of the household. At times when my career was soaring, and he was laid off he'd get scared and worry I'd cheat. I never did. Now the tables are turned - I started my own business in Jan. & it's not taking off, so I'm bringing in minimal money, and he's out there socializing, working, carrying on while I sit home and fail...and worry he may cheat.

THE ISSUE: He works some nights p/t at a delivery place. There's a girl there who is/was married but apparently going thru some hard times. According to H, she approached him knowing he & I were having issues and wanted to ask him how he dealt with it - seeking advice. They talked. He'd mention to me after work that somebody hit her car, or she had a really rude customer, etc. and I thought nothing of it. One day though I just had a feeling, and I checked his phone. Her number was on there, just once, from the night prior (he had the night off, but went out w/friends). So I talked to him about it, asked him what's going on. He said she is important to him, that she's everything he thinks a wife should be - she cooks, cleans, packs her husband's lunches, etc. - things I don't regularly keep up with, I suppose. But he said there was no affair or anything that resembled an affair, that she was important to him as a friend but nothing else. He did say "she likes me" though, which bothered me. Since that talk, about a month and a half ago, he distanced himself from her, focused on me/us at home and work at work, trying to break the emotional bond. Things were good at home and I really wasn't worried anymore - he felt guilty and took some measures to "fix" what he'd done. Last night I was in the basement and wandered into his "area". I found a poem that I'm assuming she wrote, it was saying that she knows it'll never be but she still hopes and she knows he loves me but she loves him and she dreams one day they'll be together and she can't take it anymore. I freaked. He wasn't home, and I decided I needed to confront him. I consulted another forum and decided there were more issues than just the note - so I put it back. We talked last night, again about my insecurities and how I need reassurance from him and how he still works with this girl. He again said he rarely talks to her anymore as he tries to distance himself. I didn't bring up the poem - maybe she's just whacko - and I'm pretty sure he got it recently. (Yes, I do snoop, it's part of being insecure I guess) This morning I checked and the note is gone. Is it gone because of our talk and he felt guilty & threw it away? Or does he take it with him to work during the day (different job) because it's flattering? Did he move it? (I won't tear the house apart trying to answer that one) I don't know what to do. Since it's moved, now I feel I should bring it up. I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is infidelity. I don't know if I should call her, go see her, leave him, kick him out, seek counseling, believe him, or what. Thoughts, anybody?

He's having an affair.

Snooping is perfectly fine. You have the right to find out when someone is destroying you and your family my dear.

Can you call the Harley's for counseling? If you can do that right now, it would be the best.

Otherwise, start reading here, and posting - get the books - especially Surviving an Affair. Read, and post. Start Plan A once you have an idea of the concepts involving Plan A.

Do your homework. Do more snooping. Get proof of his affair and prepare to expose it.

You are in for a rollercoaster ride from ******. See your doc and get on Anti depressants.

You can survive this. Your marriage might to. But you need to get your plan together, and we can help you with that.

If you walked into your house, and you smelled something funny ... perhaps a gas leak. Would you ignore your own senses .... because you might be seen as 'insecure' ?

When something threatens your safety/security/sanity .... CHECK IT OUT. That's what sane/smart/self-assured people do.

Something smells bad in your husband's behavior? Smells like a secret relationship?

Check it out. Bring it up. Behave like a sane/smart/self-assured woman .... not like a frightened needy insecure girl.

It doesn't have to be an arguement or nagging. It is a fact-finding mission.

Good luck.

I cannot afford the phone call, unfortunately. Yes, he's having an emotional affair. I do think I believe it's not physical, but then again that's what I want to believe too. After talking last night and him admitting he's not sure if he wants to keep trying to fix our marriage (this chick not being part of conversation - we surely have issues within our relationship with or without her) I honestly do not know how to approach or start up another discussion. I agree another one needs to take place, and that we need to get back into counseling, but today, when he gets home, I don't know what to do/say/try.

Go to the library .... take out all the marriage recovery books you can get your hands on. That is FREE.

Go to your church (whatever that may be) and ask for some pastoral care .... and then bring up your marriage issues. That is FREE too.

Open your phone directory to the pages where public services are listed. Usually city or county listing pages. Look up family/social services. Sometimes these can be FREE or sliding scale low cost.

The pages on this web site are FREE to download.

The emotional needs questionnaire .... get yours FREE today.

Plan A is outlined .... download and READ for FREE .... memorize what consitutes lovebusters. Go over your own habits and behaviors with a fine tooth comb and pull out and eliminate all of your lovebusting habits.

Thank you, all are good suggestions and I've dropped everything today to work on this.

I need clarification, so feel free to label me an idiot...do I not mention or bring up the poem, to him, for now? It sounds like I'm being encouraged to work on ME for now, is this correct? Will start looking for the PDFs you mentioned now.

Get all your ducks lined up first ....

that is

snoop some more

but make your home VERY pleasant and safe for your H

You say... "What can I do for you today?" .... say that every day.

Getting your ducks lined up also means ..... learning how to control your end of a conversation so it does not deteriorate into an arguement because you refuse to argue.

Read and study about LBs (love busters) and learn what your favorites have been and make sure you squeeze them out of yourself before you confront about anything you find.

make it safe for your H to tell you the truth .... even if the truth hurts

Should I share these things/documents/ideas with him?

Isn't it pretty to think so? (stolen from Hemingway)

I bet she's not. Not in the Fatal Attraction way at least. And not any more than your H.

GC