I told myself I would wait until the middle of October before making a final decision, and I may still do that. However, I don't think there is anyway that I can get through this. I admire every one of the BS's out here that have been able to overcome their resentment, loss of trust, anger, etc. issues. I just wish there was a way for me to do that. My resentment does not seem to be fading, only getting worse. My wife has done just about everything I would want(still some untruths) but it isn't making me feel any better. Now I feel like the heel that did all of the plan A and talked about how I wanted a better M and R, instead I am ready to move on. I do still love my wife and want more than anything to preserve our family and M, but I can't get the OM out of my mind. The triggers are seemingly endless. I truly appreciate all of you out there that have given me advice and this message board has been a godsend for me. I just wish there was a magic wand that would make all my doubts and resentment go away. I wish all of you the best!!!

Me-BH-33
Her WW-34
Married 11 years
1 son 1 daughter
1st D-Day 10/04
2nd and real D-Day 03/05
3rd and hopefully final D-Day 7/05

You're tougher than me. If my wife does it again I don't know if I'd be able to take it. Since you've hung in this long, why not wait until your mid-October deadline. Would your kids want you to wait until then? I bet they would.

What if I told you that there was such a "magic wand" would you be interested in hearing more? Sure you would. What if I told you that all you had to do to get that magic wand was walk 5 miles through rough terrain and swim across a lake to get it, would you be interested? Sure you would, what's a little physical sacrifise anyway....? I think we all would and live happily ever after...

Well, KSU, that wand is out there but rather than physical commitment and work it requires emotional commitment and work. At one point in my life, resentments ruled me and my decisions, but I chose to get in there and do the work and get over, through, and past all of them. I ain't going to kid you, it was hard work but my reward in the end was a better life......

There are tons of "self-help" books that deal with these issues, sites like this that then help your marriage, and so on. But you can't get any of that if you don't do the work to get it.

It's too early for OM thoughts to be gone completely.

Average is 2 years ~after~ real recovery begins .... and it's not *snap* all over .... it's more like a slow walk in a direction that eventually changes the topography .... and the change in surroundings is only noticable in small increments at first.

PS ...

that 6-8 month stage of recovery is harder than anything !!!

This is a HUMP not a dead end ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the responses. LH-I have done more reading on these subjects than I ever could have imagined, but so far, it's not making much of a difference. The bottom line, IMO, is that it comes down to can you find it in your heart to heal and move on? At this point, I can't seem to do that. I am very disappointed in myself for this. Pepper-I have also read that the average length for full recovery is two years, and I thought that I could stick it out for the long haul, but I'm just starting to believe that I can't do it. This isn't the way things were supposed to turn out, and maybe it will be better with somebody else. If there is a silver lining, it's that I know I will apply MB principles in my next R and, hopefully, it won't face the kind of devastation that this one has. Mflake-it was just one affair with one OM, the 3 dates signify finding out more significant truths about the A. I am 99% sure that there are still major gaps that need to be filled in about the A, so I had been bracing for what I was considering to be d-day 4. Now, I'm not so sure that we will be together long enough for the whole truth to come out. Thanks again to everybody and good luck to you all!

Me-BH-33
Her WW-34
Married 11 years
1 son 1 daughter
1st D-Day 10/04
2nd and real D-Day 03/05
3rd and hopefully final D-Day 7/05

ksu- there isn't someone new in your life is there?

I could be WAY off base and if I am, feel free to flame me 'cause I'd deserve it. Just wondering though.

I am still waiting for the doubts to go away, the hurt to die down some, the visuals of them together to fade.

BUT, I love my husband and I want our marriage to work. We/I am stronger than this affair, our years of marriage are stronger than this affair. IF for some reason he stops at some point and throws in the towel atleast I know I did whatever I could to save our relationship.

You said your wife is doing just about everything you want her to. The one thing she can't do is erase what she did, all she can do is try to make up for it. What IF the roles were reversed and you were doing everything you could to make it up to your wife and it just was not good enough for her?

The feelings we are left with are painful and I am guessing this pain will be with us for a very long time. This is just my opinion, but this A made me realise how fragile our marriages can be if one does not feel loved by the other. This A made me wake up and take care of what is really important to me because in the end when we are old and gray it is NOT going to be the ow by my H's side, it will be me, the one who has always been there. As each day goes by he see's that-it is ME who is here, it is me who forgave, it is me who is fighting for our marriage.

It is a lot of work, but I trust it will be well worth it...when those days come that we are old and gray.

Once again thanks for the responses. STWP, no, there isn't anyone new in my life. At this point I can't even imagine being in another R. I am sure that my feelings on this will change over time, but not now. MaggieG- I admire you for the love that you have for your H and your ability to get over this. I must caution you with such a recent dday that your feelings may change, I know mine did. Back in March and April of this year I thought that I was ready to go through anything to save my M, and now I feel a lot different, and I can't really explain why. I also know that she can't erase what she did, and the last thing that I want to do is hold this A over her and us for the rest of our lives. Right now, I feel like it will always be an issue, and that's not fair to her, me or the kids. A good buddy of mine was in town this weekend and he's going through some R problems as well as a couple other of our friends. We both talked about how we just can't believe how complicated our lives have become, it wasn't suppose to be this way. Or was it?

Me-BH-33
Her WW-34
Married 11 years
1 son 1 daughter
1st D-Day 10/04
2nd and real D-Day 03/05
3rd and hopefully final D-Day 7/05