Hi, new to this so I am not sure where to start; I just know that I am in need of some advice. I posted this in emotional needs section prior to coming across this topic.

I am going to throw alot out there that may be very confusing because it is to me.

My husband & I are planning to separate. We have been together for 10 years, have a 4 year old son and he has 2 childrend 14 & 10 from a previous marriage that live with us.
He is the one asking for the separation. I do NOT want this at all but I do love him and for the sake of our marriage am willing to give him this time in hopes that our marriage can be saved.

I will give only a brief description of what is going on. He had an affair about 4 years ago with a co-worker. When I learned of the affair there were alot of tears from both of us. He ended the affair and explained to me the best he could as to why it happened. Basically, he was clouded by his judment and looked in the wrong places for emotional support and companionship. He recently came to the realization that he is an alcohlic and has been going to AA religiously for about 1 1/2 years.

I forgave the affair because of his alcoholism, his willingness to get help and for my own sanity. I even befriened the other woman (whom I was friendly with prior to). Hatred is a very strong emotion and I was slowly destroying myself. I was friends w/ the Other woman and find it very difficult to hate her even though I probably should. I can see why my husband turned to her. Maybe I need my head examined. But I am not so closed-minded to only see my side of things.

I recently learned that they have become close once again..apparently he says he loves her and she the same. But, yet he loves me too. I dont know if he really loves her or is confusing their close relationship for love.

To make a very long story short he has asked that we separate because he needs time to find himself, to learn who he is as a "sober" person...he is 35 and has drank since he was 13...He says he doesnt want a divorce but needs time to himself. I am very confused over this whole situation.


We get along great, enjoy each others company, have alot of the same interests, have a great sex life, ... but it seems that he is very confused right now. I very much want my marriage to work. We have both made the comment to one another that it is so bizarre that two people who care so much for one another are parting but yet there are so many couples that live miserably together.

Has anyone been in a situation remotely similar to mine that can give me some insight as to how I am supposed to feel or what to expect? Should I give up and just go on with my own life?

I dont know what we are supposed to tell our families, friends, children, etc. No one knows of our situation yet, everyone sees us getting along, being affectionate toward one another, etc. We dont fight alot..we have our moments like everyone but we really get along well..This is confusing to us so I know how horrible this will be for our families not to mention our children.

Please anyone..any advise for me?

And THIS is why a NC letter should be sent and enforced!

He should have never continued to work where the OW worked...contact never was broken between the two of them, and so it all started over again.

I really don't have any great advice for you at this point, but hopefully some of the pros will come on here and give you some good suggestions.

Jaded, Sadly, I have been in your shoes. H and I separated a while back because we weren't getting along. I was under the impression it was a trial separation and we were to be working things out w/o the constant fighting that was happening while living together. He continued to visit, make sexual advances and go to MC for a while. A couple of months after leaving H befriended another person in his 12-step program. An A ensued and he now has a child with her. The A lasted about 2 months until just before news of the pregnancy. We have since reconciled, taken responsibilty for our problems in the marriage and are doing great!

What I would say to you is there are very few men out there who leave a family/woman w/o one waiting in the wings. My guess is he's going to have a relationship with someone else and see if he can figure it out. My suggesstion would be for you to be prepared. You can't force him out of his fog. Assume there is someone else and proceed as such. Even after H ended his A with OW he still wasn't sure he wanted to come back home (he wasn't invited either), he only started taking responsibilty for his stuff when I proceeded with D. I guess it woke him up. I think your H thinks he wants a D, but just doesn't know how to tell you, doesn't want to hurt you. Separations don't work in my eyes and I don't think Dr. Harley recommends them either. All it did for us was make us see that we could make iton our own, it released the tension of the argueing and we thought "huh, that must have been it". In your case, you're not argueing and your H STILL doesn't know what he wants. My suggestion would be to hire a PI if you have the money. At least you'll know and can proceed with the full knowledge of what your situation is. Good luck to you!!

It sounds like your marriage was never given a chance because the affair has been ongoing at some level for all these years. It has now become cemented. I am curious why contact was never ended so you could work on your marriage? Did you not want to save your marriage?

Dear jaded,

We all like to think we are different, that we are individuals, precious in our own special idosynchic way. And we are. BUT we each have a heart, lungs, digestive system, brain,...the same vital organs that keep us alive.

Unlike people, affairs are not special. They do have the same vital organs though. Those vital organs are secrecy, deception, lies, escape fantasy, and denial.

Although both you and your husband are special individual people, his A is not special, nor are the circumstances that lead to it. It's the same trash over and over again. Read up here.

I admire your compassion and symapathy, but save that for your H, don't shed it on your WH. They are not one and the same person.

seperation? Forget it! If he needs space send him to the basement to meditate. Separation = time to pursue his trashy A and escape the joint responsibilities you share. He's going to ditch you not just with your own child, but with the children of a previous relationship? Get real, woman! You may love those children dearly, but come on, you're not his janitor!

What should you tell your children, your families, your friends? The TRUTH, of course! Does he happen to work with this OW as well? If so, you should inform Wh's boss as well.

Exposure in one clear, scorcing swoop. Then get yourself some IC and work on building some self esteem, maybe visit an Al-Anon group. You might be enabling some unhealthy behavior.

well since he said we should separate there have been alot of tears from both of us..I am a very emotional person and when I love someone I give all that I am and have..he very much knows this...I have told him that he has lied to me enough, and he agrees and takes all responsability for his actions. I told him that no matter what..the lies need to stop and he needs to be straight forward w/ me, I told him that he cant possibly hurt me more than he already has and I need and want the truth and dont want anything sugar-coated for the sake of my feelings. I asked him if the separation was just a polite way of saying he wants a divorce and he insists not. I am not going into this blindly and am preparing myself for the worst but of course hoping for the best, which would be for us to work all this out. I have asked him if he plans on moving in w/ OW and he insists that he does not want to live w/ anyone else, that he needs time to find himself. He admits to drinking since he was 13 and now that he is sober (on a daily basis) he needs to find out who he is. I want very much to believe him. We are able to talk very openly about our upcoming separation w/ out yelling, name calling, accusations, etc. ALOT of tears..but it all needs to come out regardless of how it feels.

Of course I very much want and still want to save my marriage...they are both police officers and work for the same police department..so they always have some sort of contact w/ one another.

jaded, I would prepare myself for the worst if I were you. He is moving out so he can carry on his affair unimpeded. If he wanted "space" he could go into the bathroom and shut the door. Please understand that you are dealing with an alcoholic here, a professional liar. When a WS says he needs "space" to "find himself" it always means: moving out to carry on an affair.

Now, if you want to save your marriage, we can probably help you take a stab at it. But I have to say that this has gone for a very long time unimpeded, so it will be a long shot.

Yes, as long as you allow it.

I am sure most of you know how deeply I am hurting right now and how very difficult this is. Hearing you all confirming my worst fears is not what I wanted to hear but I want honesty that is why I am here.

I know that I need to get IC, just havent taken the steps to do so yet. The problem is I cant talk about anything w/out crying and looking like an idiot.

I know that I should demand that he find another job no matter where it is and how it effects our finaces, etc. I should tell him that he isnt going to be the one to make the decisions as to wether or not this marriage is worth saving. I should be the one to say it is either her or me..but I am not strong enough to go through w/ it..I am an emotional wreck and looking at every small bit of hope I get as hopes to keep my marriage and family together.

jh, do you want us to help you save your marriage? There are no guarantees and it will not be easy, but if it can be saved, we can probably help you save it. However, you are going to have to be strong and focus on a plan. Can you do that?

Yes, I will have to do that if I want to save my marriage and keep what little self respect I have. I feel very weak right now and I cannot believe I am allowing him, the one who got us to this point, to make all the decisions.

jh, you can't tell him to get another job at this point, because he wants to seperate. But your situation shows exactly what happens when a BS does not set the boundary of ABSOLUTE NO CONTACT when an affair ends. Your situation is exactly why Harley is adamant that there be no contact FOR LIFE, even if it means moving to another state and changing jobs.

That is because most people are not strong enough to endure an on-again, off-affair affair that goes on for years.

Please keep this important lesson in mind for future use.

jh, what decision are you allowing him to make? Can you clarify for me?

Well he is the one deciding that we should separate because he needs to have time to figure out what he wants. I should have been the one to make that decision a long time ago but I didnt I chose to stay and try to work on our marriage. Maybe I'm not making any sense, it seems sometimes I just talk in circles.

My H has stated several times that he wishes that we could just pick up, he could find another job somewhere and move but we have a daughter (my step) going into 10th grade, one going into 5th and he doesnt want to up root thier lives..Oh, My God!!!Light bulb just came on as I was writing this...he doesnt want to up-root their lives by moving but he would be doing the same thing by us separating and possible divorcing...hmmm, which would be worse for them? Not a very hard question to figure out.

jh, I don't think it would have been a good decision for you to seperate, but would have been a good decision to insist on no contact with the OW. There is nothing open minded about staying in touch or befriending her. That is why we are here today. He has never withdrawn from the OW in all this time because contact has never ended. When you do reconcile, that will be absolutely necessary, lest you will be dealing with this for another 5 years.

ok, the first thing you must do, if you want to save your marriage is embark on Plan A. Part of Plan A is meeting his needs, but I suspect you have already been doing this for years.

The biggest part of Plan A that would benefit you is EXPOSURE. See, an affair cannot survive in the light of day for long. That is because an affair is a fantasy and exposing ruins the fantasy aspect by forcing the infidels to see themselves through the eyes of others. It takes all the fun out the affair and hastens it end.

Next question: when was his last drink date and do you know his sponsor?

he has been sober since 12/27/03..dont believe he has a sponsor.

we still live in the same house together, sleep in the same bed, everything goes on as "the Norm" but we have decided that we would sell our home, havent signed w/ a realtor or anything yet but we have tidied up, painted, etc. No one in our families knows of anything, havent spoken to our children yet.

jh, there are lots of things you can do to destroy the affair and hopefully prevent him from moving out. The first thing you can do is stop agreeing to go along with this. Tell him that you don't do "seperation" and won't discuss it. You will only discuss marriage and ways to save yours. Got it? You DO NOT facilitate him in destroying your family. You do not agree to sell the house, nothing. He has lost his mind and, as the only sane adult here, you should not take orders from an insane man.

Secondly, make up a list of all key people in your lives who have influence over your H and expose to them. Tell them that your H is in a years long affair with XYZ from work and ask for their moral support and influence in your effort to save your family.

Exposure should be done to Human Resources, your H's boss, the OW's boss, her spouse, if any, his parents, his family, your family and HER parents. Do not warn your H and do this all in one fell swoop so they can feel the full force of the effect and so they cannot pre-empt you.

This will all cause great conflict in the affair and will make your H FURIOUS. When he comes to you enraged, smile sweetly and tell him you will do what it takes to save your marriage. Then come here and let us guide you through it.

I will be back on 1st thing in the a.m. leaving for the day...thank you thank you thank you so much for your support...look forward to chatting w/ you tomorrow