Yes he has.

ok back to the Exposure thing to his family...should I call my mother-in-law?

we are supposed to go to his dad's camp this weekend (as a family) I asked him if he wanted to go alone w/ the kids and he said no that he wants very much for me to go w/ him but if I needed time to myself then he would go alone, it was up to me.

jh, if you want to save your marriage, you should expose the affair and then refuse to sign anything to do with any dissolution of property. He can't sell the house without your signature, so tell him you aren't interested. An affair cannot survive without secrecy and exposing it will hasten its death. It is imperative that you expose them at work this time. I think missing this step, and allowing continued contact all these years, is why you are here today. Don't make this same mistake again.

Make a list of all key people to whom you can expose and start calling them TODAY. Tell them that your H is having an affair with XYZ and wants to seperate. Tell them you would like their support and ask them to do anything they can to help.

The most important exposures that I can see in your situation will be your MIL and FIL and most especially, your H and OW's bosses. Expose to any pastors, close friends and to your family. I would also expose to the OW's parents.

ML...have you used these steps? how long have you been in recovery?

Start exposing him today. There is no way that your marriage will recover with your husband and the OW working together.

You should remain in Plan A for the time being. Keep reading and posting here until you get a little bit stronger.

My husband & I are planning to separate.
Because of his affair. A separation almost never works to save a marriage, especially when there is nothing else being done (counseling) along wioht the separation and there are no rules set aou twhat the separation means.
Is it clear that the end result of separation is to reconcile?
Is it clear that you are still be married and expect the other to not date/see others?

He is the one asking for the separation. I do NOT want this at all but I do love him and for the sake of our marriage am willing to give him this time in hopes that our marriage can be saved.
He wants to separate so he can have some type of justification for the affair.

To make a very long story short he has asked that we separate because he needs time to find himself, to learn who he is as a "sober" person...he is 35 and has drank since he was 13...He says he doesnt want a divorce but needs time to himself.
He may even actually believe this but the reason he wants to separate is to be “free” to se eth eother woman.

Have you read, “Surviving An Affair” by Dr Willard Harley?

No I have not read that book, everything you are saying I have said to myself and I believe that he wants the separation so that he can be "free" to see her.

He once told me "it may seem odd but she is the female version of himself" how bizarre is that..

why would he still want me to go camping this weekend but yet still plan to separate...so we are supposed to go camping and play house like everything is ok?

well thank fully they no longer work the same shift..he no longer works at night (unless DWI patrol) and when he is off she is on..vice versa..but there is still Over time shifts.

My WH has said the same thing. I think our situations are very similar.

and I am so baffled by his attraction to her..she is NOTHING like me..I am not perfect but.. she is not a very feminine woman (not anything wrong w/ that at all, just explaining), her mannerisms are very different from mine..she doesnt think twice about dropping and F'bomb or belching in public..she is very plain..doesnt spend time on her appearance..no makeup, hair up in a pony tail or just down (like after you get out of the shower)..He is more like myself, and actually has more hygiene products than I do..

Just dont get it.

jh, I have been in recovery for almost 5 years now and did use some of these principles. The steps I am giving you are Marriage Builders principles and they are extremely successful. We have many people on this board who have saved their marriages using them.

I dont deny the fact that they work I am just scared and dont think I have the strentgh to right now...I know you are probably pulling your hair out right now because you feel I dont want this but I do..I do..I wish I were a more assertive and angry person because I probably would have the strength

Jaded -

Then post here until you DO get the strength. We were all afraid when we first came here. Go enjoy the weekend with him, and think about these things. Whatever you do, don't let him know that you are considering exposure.

I will do that..we do have a great time when we are together and if we do separate I want the kids to have as many good memories as possible.

I wont let him know of my plans and who knows what will happen this weekend.

Well, I have to go for now...I will definately be back on 1st thing in the a.m. (when I get to work)..thank you for being there everyone..

I am soo addicted to this site right now.

I have taken some time this a.m. to read over some posts / responses.

I have to say that you are wonderfully and brutally honest..something I definately need. Only being a member on this site since Monday, I have learned ALOT; I hope to put some of what I have learned into action. Although, I do have some questions.

1. I read the article about being a LightHouse to my WH. I dont know how to balance being sweet and understanding and also being firm and strong w/out looking like a B****. Demanding NC w/ the OW & Exposure. I guess it probably makes it easier being we are in the same house and neither one of us will go anywhere.

2. The problem is, this A was exposed a while back to a few co-workers, boss, etc. (not family). Since they are co-workers there was stil contact and slowly found there way back together, and I guess I am partially to blame because I am the one who befriended this woman out of my own insecurity (i have realized this), saying that if I can forgive my H I should be able to forgive her too. I felt bad for her because she had cancer and perhaps needed someone to turn to and he was there and he was dealing w/ his own issues of being an alcoholic and she was there...blah, blah, blah...

I can go on forever w/ all this nonsense...but anyway..some guidance, please...I know you are going to say Expose, Expose, Expose..but I dont know how to balance everything that comes along w/ exposure.

Believer & Melody Lane you are brutally and wonderfully honest and straight-forward..I dont like all that you say but I need to hear it and I know that you wouldnt lead me down a road that wasnt helpful .. so I am listening..

It is good to forgive the OW, but not if the affair is still on going. Whatever her problems are, she is a threat to your family and marriage.

The lighthouse post is wonderful and has helped many betrayed spouses here. It helps to let you know how to show him the way home.

But the first thing that needs to be done is exposure. I would expose to his parents first. Then I would expose at work. What is the policy of the department on affairs between a married sgt. and another officer? This is going to be tricky.

I dont believe that they have any such policy.. I work for the same municipality and have access to all dept. contracts...I dont see anything addressing that.

I wish I could get another job..I work for the same municipality, in the same building..therefore, I see her whenever she is working, whenever she "stops" by the station, etc. I get chills and my heart drops whenever I see her vehicle in the parking lot..I cant get another job at this time..I have to protect myself if we were to part..I have great benefits..I pay nothing toward my, or families, health insurance..which I am sure you know is a HUGE benefit.

I agree that the first exposure should be to his family and I think I will start w/ his mother whom I am very close with.

Just to clarify..I forgave the OW when I "thought" the A was over but in June of this year I learned that it wasnt and I have NOT forgiven her a 2nd time..although she has made several attempts to communicate w/ me..bringing me by treats to my office, texting me, etc..I was really liked this W, I should hate her but I dont..I wish I could just get outraged at them both for doing this to me and my family...I am dying inside but cant get the emotion (the angry emotion) to come to surface..I only show my pain by crying, etc.

Jaded, I know how you feel, I thought of myself as an objective, level-headed, undertsanding woman and thought this was part of what attracted my H to me. Probably about the time H started seeing OW I asked"Are you seeing someone else?" "If you are, I understand, but I want you to tell me" What an idiot. Granted I didn't know if our marriege could work or I wanted to be married either, but to just give him permission! I doubt he even remembers this conversation, but I do and I just want to smack myself in the face and say "wake up".

As soon as the A was exposed to me, I had enough. I wasn't a total B%^$@, but I did put my foot down, and it wasn't until then that I think my H regained respect for me and saw how much I had been hurt, how much he was going to lose and how good of a woman I had been to him. It's easy to cast blame on your spouse wheninvolved with someone else. You don't have to go crazy, but he does need to be exposed. Your not going out of your way to hurt him, (he is doing the hurting), you are simply telling people how things are, how you're REALLY doing. His parents can't be expected to take sides, but YOU need support too. Let them know what's going on, what YOUR intentions are and let it go from there. People here are right, as long as it stays secret, there's no chnace of recovery. Good luck!

He has told no one of this A...as a matter of fact after he told me that he thinks we should separate..I asked him if he told her of our conversation and he said, Yes and then asked if I said anything to anyone..of course I had confided in a good friend of mine, but told him he had no right to tell her anything..that this was between him and I and he got defensive (which he hadnt done in a very long time) and said well she is my friend and I needed someone to talk to..I told him she isnt your friend, if you are sleeping w/ her and then he made the comment "you are making this really easy for me" , Meaning his decision to end our marriage..but that cruel behavior was over by the time I had gotten home from work and everything went on as normal...am I making sense..seems like I am rambling...

Anyway, I would very much love the support of his family, we are close & I know they would not approve of this behavior from him..and they would not want us to part. I just dont know how to go about it .. ??????

I agree...I havent read anything yet that I havent agreed w/ but I dont know how to implement this whole thing..I dont think I am strong enough